#seeing my work uniform is like oof i actually be missing my work buddies

[hellishgoat]

Happy trans day of (online!) visibility!!!💖💙💖

And a older pic! Lol my arms are pure fat! But they have potential!!

[quarterette]

Utawarerumono: The False Faces ep 13-25 Liveblog

Gonna just straight up do individual episode comments, since the second half is gonna be denser in content. As with the first half, this is a rewatch and will have spoilers for the games.

Opening Comments: Man there’s not much movement in the animation but its beautiful all the same.

Ep 13:

- *spit take* why are they sending Rulu? IDK if it was because the directors weren’t informed about the whole “baby of the family” detail because I can’t imagine Shis letting this happen

- Interesting how instead being of a secret force that Oshtoru sent, Haku and gang are now the accompanying force to Rulu and Atuy.

- I’ll be pleasantly surprised if Entua makes more sense in the anime than in the games

- oh wow Dekopompo is even worse in the anime, straight-up running off on his own.

Ep 14:

- I like how instead of Atuy catching the arrow the twins have a force field. Granted, it make Atuy even more of a non-entity

- the extreme long shots of the CGI soldiers are really nice. I don’t feel like we see the loss of formations as they come into contact with each other often in war anime

- why are the twins running like that - imo that way too much movement for dainty girls (maybe I’ve watched too much anime)

- wow they totally recontextualized retrieving Shinonon and cut down a lot of potential runtime.

- did they seriously remove Atuy’s bloodlust

- you know open-eyed Ougi is growing on me, him and Nosuri have such lovely eye color

- poor Maroro

Ep 15:

- I’m relieved that the adaptation art makes Raiko look less like Lelouch. Always seemed like lazy design to me, him and Mikazuchi look nothing alike.

- did they introduce the telepaths in MoD? I can’t remember.

- that triple-take of Zeguni dying was just silly. If it were one slice x3 it would have been fine but this... Oshtoru be flexing with that mountain.

- I never really felt calling Witsu an Eva was quite right but with the Akuruturuka.... yeah I see it.

- truly we are in the war arc proper now.

- Heh wouldn’t it have been interesting to have the proxies’ subservience kick in instead of having the twins shield Haku. Oh well missed opportunities. IMO it would have worked well with the accelerated timeline the anime needed to achieve.

- what is with the triple takes this episode

- ah haku wasn’t even able to save them gg

- post episode revisiting the VN comments:

they hint at the telepaths, and as I thought the Vurai razing the city wasn’t in the VN. It was a good showpiece and works with Vurai’s characterization, but messes with Haku’s as a cost - the VN suggests that Haku inherently can be ruthless (he suggests scapegoating Moznu for Anju’s kidnapping, which the anime totally skips over), while it looks like the anime is gonna use this mass destruction as the reason for steeling his heart. I can’t say I hate that the writers chose to have the main characters in the fray, but it definitely requires more suspension of disbelief that everyone got out okay compared to the VN.

- Interestingly we don’t see Oshtoru’s mech form at all. I do like the increased bro scenes between Mikazuchi and Oshtoru

Ep 16:

- Yeah we immediately feel the ripples of that last episode changing Haku’s trajectory... its a logical trajectory but... ugh. I’m not sure how I feel about such a contrary Haku. It wasn’t really a thing in the VN? So frustrating augh. Utawarerumono was never a story big on moralizing about war... and the anime writers aren’t doing a great job adding it in.

- I’m 99% sure they pulled some of Ukon’s lines for comforting Haku here from a conversation they had in the VN waaaayyy back around the gigiri fight, making the scene all the more frustrating. The concepts of powerlessness and loss of life is something that Haku had been introduced to the moment he woke up and had already been working on dealing with. I can’t say its an invalid take that he’d be shook over mass destruction (I mean, most people would) but it’s a sharp deviation from the VN.

- Oh wow they’re totally gonna retool the banquet to deal with haku’s trauma instead of him dealing with his memories of being the LAST OF HIS KIND aren’t they.

- yeah they did

- oh god don’t say the word seduce haku, rulu’s gonna die from blood loss

- lol i don’t remember the twins being tied up

- rulu is dead

- and now haku is dead too. I think only Ougi and Yakutowaruto escaped unscathed.

- this did give me the bro bonding that I had been missing in the show thus far. Not enough drinking scenes! like literally the VN is literally just baths and booze between the action lol

Ep 17:

- ah finally the flashback episode. lol all the crunchyroll comments are like “watch the first season”.

- haku calling his new buddies family... oof mito’s knowing gaze makes it all the much sadder

- Haku:”did you need to go that far” Mito: “lemme do it again with Tuskuru”

- hah “reposition your camera” nice, easy way to not show his face

- heh stares at your sister-in-law’s butt, that’s actually a pretty subtle hint without adapting any of the monologue from the VN that he kinda had feelings for her

- damn this is probably the most complete vision of the future we get in any medium

- hey to be fair the ameterasu blast was mutsumi and not exactly a product of mankind fighting each other - but it does go to show just how little Mito knew about what was actually going down

- to continue with my frustration, we see that haku is called out by his bro that he has a habit of “conceal don’t feel” so it makes his emo bit last episode even more jarring - though in hindsight I guess his depression comes less out of the blue for his friends now - its just that the reason is misattributed

- oof “make up for lost time”

- ooh I like the final scene with Woshis as the delegate to Tuskuru. The VN did fine without it but man what a cliffie for those watching the first time.

Ep 18:

- oof we’re not going to have any shinonon/kiwru antics are we

- man I can’t wait to see Benawi - he was my favorite chara in Uta1 after Touka

- wow they really did just ignore the fact that Kiwru is the prince of Ennakamuy and cut him out of the party

- dugh never mind I don’t like ougi’s open eyes here

- speaking of ougi they totally glossed over his role as reconnaissance

- and have they even mentioned that nosuri is trying to retake their clan’s name?

- cocopo still best bird

Ep 19:

- of course you’ll be sweaty haku, boro boro only wears that brown undershirt in tuskur smh

- i love how all of the dads we see dote on their daughters so much

- of course only now do they mention the fact that atuy and haku are drinking buddies and we just have to take it at face value

- actually seeing those sailor uniforms in action make atuy’s regret that much funnier, the stills don’t quite do it justice (though really, it’s the sound effects carrying the team)

- lol the background soyankekur antics are great

- cocopooooo noooo damn this romance with mukkur is great

Ep 20:

- huhu woshis was allowed down to the underground garden huh

- benawiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

- dang they didn’t use the hot air balloon ;-; so disappointing like if they do it this way they won’t even get to retake the supplies ;-;

- i guess its a good way to hint at kuon’s identity

- something is wrong with kurou’s face

- also where the fuck is nosuri - i know kiwru is a lost cause for this show but nosuri too? they really are trying to wipe out the tactics seen in the VN

- i do think the line about kurou’s line to kuon about “ripping the country in half” is nice - can’t remember if it was in the VN but at this point most of the good lines seem to be coming out of the VN

- ugh the twins are such a cop out, still think they should have went with the hot air balloon strategy

- we hardly knew ye mito

Ep 21:

- dang I’m pleasantly surprised by these CG soldiers

- bye bye munechika, still salty you can’t turn into a mech

- oof “I’m sure my mom was someone like you” this show lives and breathes on dramatic irony

- bye bye anju, what was the point of actually having oshtoru there when the tea was delivered? makes him seem more incompetent than he is, though entua was nowhere to be seen - imo for the best

- oshtoru, an honorable man through and through, giving up your mask, lowkey too honorable for your own good

- okay one of my favorite things is how regularly dekopompo is ignored during the generals’ council meetings; overlapping voices isn’t really a thing in the VNs due to its nature as a written medium first and foremost

- oh interesting Oshtoru’s men are coming to defend him that’s new

- oh no torture time ;-;

- post episode VN notes: ugh they also dropped the Woshis power grab of locking Dekopompo and Raiko outside of the gates

Ep 22:

- Yes go be a dad Yakuto and stop Nekone from doing stupid shit please oh please oh please

- Man they are seriously retooling oshtoru’s downfall aren’t they - wish it didn’t come off so crudely planned. Like, y’all know Oshtoru is loved by the people, did the generals not think some sort of rioting would happen if you let that info go public? Granted the original plot of having Entua sneak the info out is pretty contrived... but at least it better preserves the perceived competency of the generals by forcing a smaller timeframe in which everything goes down.

- man people watching this will be so confused next season when they realize Kiwru is a prince

- wut Kuon you should know you probably won’t be able to get info to the princesses once y’all leave. Good that Shinonon is going on ahead to Ennakamuy though.

- eh are they’re gonna try leaving by sea this time? even though Ennakamuy is in the mountains?

- secret tunnel ~ ♫

- aw no Evenkuruga reveal for Nosuri and Ougi. Though, I guess the anime never established that their base was in the Hakuorokaku basement...

- you know, since they just generalized the jamming barrier it’s kinda nice to see that the gang had to sneak in the hard way. IMO that’s one of the “game design justifies the plot” moments - the VN tries to keep everyone together so you can have all your unit options when fighting, but let’s be honest smaller strike teams work at times.

- oh hi Honoka, you’re not arrested here? guess not.

- oh god have they been translating Atuy’s “onii-san”s as “mister” this whole time? I can’t say that “love” was a better translation but that’s just tragic

- I wish we got more hints that haku actually has been doing some training (aka the SRPG parts of the game) rather than these random moments of competency and knocking out the guards.

- good god oshtoru your honorableness is gonna be the death of you. how can you trust Vurai. Seriously idk how it’s gonna turn out here, but Vurai literally wants to see Anju dead in the VN.

- ok i lie splitting the party was a terrible idea. they are taking way too long to convince oshtoru to take a stand. these men are way too stubborn. jk its fine

- whelp there goes the boat

- aw yeh Yakutowaruto lets go

Ep 23:

- Yakutowaruto continues to be a badass

- ugh and of course Oshtoru gets hurt, and he’s not gonna tell anyone

- ok I’m enjoying how acrobatic these twins are

- the plot change ripples continue to be seen; there’s no distractions at the gates since dekopompo is inside the gates. Raiko’s strategy stuff does make for good tension tho.

- ugh the fact that Soyankekuru is in the capital is gonna complicate things. The moment Atuy is seen to defect he’s screwed. That’s gonna change the timeframe of things second half.

- lol Kuon god powers time, hope there weren’t too many casualties. Poor Nosuri now has two sacks of people to deal with...

- ok I feel like I’m seeing more poor art quality this episode

- wow it seems that everyone’s on board for some arson today

- bruh don’t take him through the sewers Oshtoru’s wound’s gonna get infected

- oh god who thought it was a good idea to give Rulu a blade.

- Cocopo best bird. Period. MVP.

- Soyankekuru, what a guy.

Ep 24:

- ooh mech fight in the city? oh nvm its just a sword fight. a sword fight between two beasts. thank god vurai ain’t that dumb

- wait they said there was a barrier in the palace, but i don’t think there was a barrier for the outer walls? why the frick didn’t the twins just teleport out for the last bit? they were pretty close to the gates... unless they needed the gates open anyways?

- vurai? not dumb? scratch that, good god do y’all not care about the safety of the people? guess not cuz it’s MECH FIGHT TIME (ok, if we’re honest oshtoru’s the one who initiated so yes he’s equally dumb)

- water vs fire, groudon vs kyogre, this is what animation is all about YASSS

- the twins’ shield is too OP

- haku please stop indulging Nekone

- will the twins actually be able to seal Vurai? they were kind of trash at doing their job in the VN (though they did have the good excuse of being exhausted for this particular instance)

- ok that nekone running sequence is jank

- damn haku blocked that punch? oh no he’s on fire

- looking like nekone’s “it was my fault” is gonna be part of a cascade of setbacks rather than the final blow. I’m kinda glad - the VN’s take was probably the most exasperating part of the whole story - gutwrenching but also made me want to punch her. I’m up for arguing whether or not taking that away was a good thing

- oh no the salt. no. how could you put it at the post-credits scene.

- vurai’s confirmed dead? that could be a problem next season.

Ep 25:

- dang what an opener giving us no info just kuon looking sad. we had emo haku now get ready for emo kuon i guess

- nuedori is probably my favorite song after kimi ga tame, such a good song to overlay the time skip over

- man anime viewers must be so confused. like they saw Haku and Oshtoru get out of town but only Oshtoru show up. man this is so effed up.

- no not the fan noooo augh  brokoro in the kokoro

- sad nekone really sells it doesn’t it

- dang I knew Ennakamuy was surrounded by mountains but I guess the anime went and interpreted that as a CRATER

- at least kuon didn’t leave until later in the night?

-i know the twins did a spell in the VN as well but seeing the visual change between haku and oshtoru is a bit silly

- what’s with the flower field that’s so cheesy

- i can see why someone said laughed rather than cried during this particular use of kimi ga tame - the alternating shots to his saltification is just silly, there’s so many prettier shots for showing people dissolving - like the VN gave you a very serviceable “standing on a cliff as the sun rises and you fade into dust” why didn’t you take it

- side note in the VN i was imagining it something like this scene from CCS but different lighting (sorry I could only find the english dub on short notice, timestamp at 1:13:24):

- also how could you get everyone off model during such an important part

- you know what I’m just gonna pretend that there was some really bad production crunch so they had to do a rush job smh

- i do like this orchestration tho

- oh god the cheese never ends, now it’s raining

- that said it’s not terrible, but definitely missing something compared to the VN

- haha with some of your decisions next season you might just end up in Denebokshir Haku. jk we all know how it ends

- boro boro ;-; yes go hug your kid she needs all the comfort she can get

[critical-ramblings]

Mind’s Eye (9/9)

FINAL CHAPTER! (here on AO3!)

The first thing Beau made sure of was that they were all together. The Mighty Nein clustered around her, taking up the entirety of an arching stone hallway about ten feet wide and at least twenty feet tall. There was a chill in the air, nothing serious but definitely noticeable, mitigated by the elaborate tapestries on all of the walls. Fjord put his back to hers, the falchion already in his hand...but nothing tried to kill them. The last of the smoke cleared away, and Beau could see thin, arched windows at the end of the hall, along with a couple of intersections closer by. 

And three children huddled at the corner of one such intersection, all of them dressed in some kind of uniform and sporting the same terrible bowl cut. She elbowed Fjord, then pointed out the kids to the rest of the group. 

“Should we--” Jester started to say, but she was interrupted by the unmistakable sounds of someone around the other corner falling on their ass with a loud OOF. A burst of muffled laughter echoed off the stone ceiling--one of the kids doubled over with their hand over their mouth, while another peeked around to see the results of their prank. 

Beau couldn’t hear what they said to each other, but all of a sudden the three made a break for it--rushing, inevitably, straight for the Nein.

Somehow, it was easy to recognize Caleb at the front, though his hair was carrot-top red, rather than the deeper color (and dirt) adult-Caleb had. His face was a little rounder, a little softer. There was something about the wildness in his smile, maybe, or the familiar too-smart-for-his-own-good look in his eyes. He and his buddies were maybe twelve, here, younger than they had been at the house. Though she’d never seen them up close in the real world, Beau could put two and two together. Astrid was the short, slight girl with a snub nose, and Eodwulf was the tall one with a bit of pudge. Both of them followed half a step behind Caleb--Bren--and both of them skidded to a stop when he did right in front of the Nein.

“Hallo!” Caleb said, as bright and innocent as a lamb. 

“Cay-leb,” Jester said with delight, leaning down to look him in the eye, “Did you just pull a prank?”

“I don’t know who that is,” Ca--Bren said, still smiling. “But we--my friends and I--would be so very grateful if you could...help us out?” he held up both hands, a little shrug that said he didn’t mind one way or another. Beau could see the smear of butter or grease on his right palm, but stayed quiet. For the moment. 

From the hallway behind them, furious wizardly mutterings were punctuated by the squeak of leather on extremely slippery stone. Eodwulf nudged Bren’s shoulder, glancing anxiously behind them. Bren twitched but didn’t break, looking around each of the Mighty Nein with hopefully puppy-dog eyes that Beau instantly mistrusted. Nott was the first one to speak up, even as she reached up to pull her hood down lower. 

“Of course we’ll help,” she said, digging her other hand into Fjord’s leg hard enough that he winced away. “And maybe you can help us afterwards.” 

Bren made sure he exchanged looks with his two co-conspirators before holding out a hand for Nott to shake. “Deal.” 

Nott’s hesitation was covered up by the clatter of a tapestry being pulled to the ground as the baby wizards’ victim finally made his way free of the trap. Caleb and Co. darted back behind the rest of the group, Eodwulf managing to duck into Yasha’s shadow with a sheepish grin. 

Beau was expecting some paper-pusher or spindly professor-type--she was not expecting Trent fucking Ikithon to pull himself to his feet, his robes sticky with magical bacon grease and a scowl fit to spoil milk. The Archmage snapped his fingers, glaring around the hallway as his robes cleaned and straightened themselves. 

“You!” he said sharply, turning to march in their direction. “Who are you? What business do you have in the Soltryce Academy?” He eyed them closely, his lip curled in a familiar sneer. Beau felt Bren huddle closer behind her, and she half-instinctively squared her shoulders to take up more space. To draw more notice towards herself. 

“We’re, uh, we’re...”

“So sorry, my good sir,” Fjord said in his poshest accent, extending a hand that Ikithon, of course, refused to take. “Our group has only recently come under contract with one of your Archmages. Vess DeRogna?”

While Ikithon paused his sneering to think about that, Fjord looked around the group for support. Jester nodded vehemently, Nott took a swig of her flask, Caduceus frowned and nodded at the same time, and Beau looked at the wizened old bastard and thought really hard at him. After all, this was a dream? Wasn’t it?

“That seems reasonable,” Ikithon said, mostly to himself. He did give them another evil glare, and it was so similar to the look he'd given them before he ordered them dead like an hour ago that Beau leaned back with a grimace. But all the Archmage did was turn away with a dramatic sweep of his robes. Everyone, both Mighty Nein and wizardlings, sighed with relief as Ikithon rounded a corner. "The library?" Astrid asked, glancing between Eodwulf and Bren.

"The library," Bren agreed.

"It'll be safer to talk there," Eodwulf explained.

But as the other two set off down the hall, Astrid actually tugging on Caduceus' sleeve, Bren hesitated. Looked back in the direction Ikithon had gone.

"Hey," Beau said, quietly. "You okay?" 

"Ja, it's just...Did I miss something? I--maybe I should have... This isn't--"

"How it happened?" Beau finished. Her mouth was a little dry--the last time he'd said that to her he'd just fireballed the party in a country garden.

Bren shook himself out of a daze and smiled back at her, a sad kind of smile so familiar that it hurt. Beau found herself smiling back without thinking, and slung an arm around his shoulders. Caleb had jumped a foot in the air when she first tried this, but Bren only bumped closer to her for a moment before slipping away. He jogged up to join his baby wizard friends, grinned back at Beau, and led the way.

***

The library of the Soltryce Academy was, at least in Caleb's dream, kind of awesome. It wasn't nearly as big as the Archive their dreaming bodies were hiding in, but there were countless dark wood shelves, polished to a shine, all overflowing with books kept clean of dust. Busts of old Archmages and other important historical figures stood at the end of each shelf, and little tables with padded leather chairs had been placed in the alcoves. Right now they were the only people here, deep in the hush every library created so that even their breathing seemed loud.

The wizardlings headed right for a study nook about halfway down the hall, settling themselves around the table with all the familiarity of long use. There weren't nearly enough chairs for everyone to sit, but they were mostly hidden from the view of anyone not crossing directly in front of their shelf. 

"So," Bren said, looking utterly in control even as the Nein blockaded his only exit. "You're here working for Archmage DeRogna?"

"It was just the first name that popped into my head," Fjord admitted with a slight grimace. "We're here looking for...someone."

"Did you sneak into the Academy?" Astrid leaned forward, her eyes wide. She smiled up at them, so that Beau could see there was a gap in her front teeth that made her look even younger.

Beau exchanged looks with Jester, sharing but not showing her friend's heartbroken look. Yeah, it was sad what had happened to these kids. But it had already happened, and they had a job to do here. Not to mention that Caleb planned to kill himself at the end of this dream. Or he was going to make her do it.

"We're looking for Caleb," Nott said, even as she pulled her sleeves forward to hide her green hands. "Caleb Widogast. He's our friend."

Bren shuddered and stayed silent. Astrid and Eodwulf looked at each other before shrugging, unaffected. "Is he a student here?" Eodwulf asked.

"He was," Caduceus said with one of his gentle smiles. "He's very important, and not just to us. He's got things to do, back home."

Beau felt a cold breeze across her skin, heard crickets for a second. But when she looked around there was only the library, warm sunlight streaming through the window behind them. Bren was sitting with his head in his hands, even as Astrid and Eodwulf shook their heads.

"Can we talk about something else?" Bren asked, and when he looked up the circles under his eyes were all Caleb. "Please?"

"I'm so sorry, Bren." Jester took the last remaining chair, reaching out across the table to take his hand in both of hers. "I'm sorry that any of this happened to you. You pulled a pretty good prank, back there."

Bren's sideways smile was still lighter than Caleb's, less troubled. "We're not supposed to be casting spells that advanced, yet," he confided. "I copied it out of one of the old books in here."

Jester's grin was, as always, infectious.

The faint smell of smoke broke any peace they might have had, in that little nook. Fjord didn't, quite, summon his sword, but Beau could see seawater dripping from his fingers. "Sorry to break up the party, kids," he said, and Beau could hear the grind in his teeth. None of them wanted to be burned alive. Again. "But we don't have a lot of time."

"We can't help you," Astrid said. She put both her hands flat on the table and stood up, sudden anger in her cute blue eyes. She looked a lot more like the Astrid from the country house now, the Astrid with a crossbow bolt sticking out of her chest. "We don't know any Caleb Widogast. We don't."

"You do," Yasha crossed her arms, her pale eyes fixed on Bren. "I'm sorry, but you all know him. Terrible things have happened, and more of them are going to happen if we don't get him back."

"I just..." Bren shivered, even though he was sitting in the sun, and then the world flashed night-dark. The smell of old leather and paper vanished, replaced by smoke and dew and old hay.

Astrid and Eodwulf vanished as well, but Bren didn't. He stood on a dirt road, clutching at his arms and shivering. Beau turned around, taking in the little bit of moonlight on the wheat fields, the grass tall and green and silver. About a hundred feet away down the path, a one-story farmhouse was smoking. Thatch roof, gray slate walls. From here she could just make out some kind of design painted on the window shutters. She knew whose house it was, of course. They all did.

The explosion still took them by surprise. Half of the house was instantly engulfed in flame, outlining three figures standing at the edge of a walled garden. Beau looked back, but there was Bren, still twelve, tears shining like fire on his face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he kept saying, so quietly that Beau wasn't completely sure he was speaking out loud.

Up ahead, at the house, someone started screaming. All of them flinched. Nott bent her ears down to her head to cover them.

Jester started running forward, and then they were all moving in the direction of the fire. Beau outpaced them all, of course, just in time to see Caleb/Bren turn, grabbing on to Astrid like he was drowning. She could see his face, thin and hollow in the darkness, twisted into horror that would never go away, not completely. But he didn't fall--Astrid stumbled under his weight, but she held him. Beau glanced towards the house, saw the cart in front of the door, the roof burning, the paint flaking off the windows. The screaming that broke into moans, and then stopped.

Beau's fist took Astrid by surprise. The wizard girl actually flew backwards, several feet away from both Caleb and the fire. Beau grabbed the front of Caleb's red robes with both fists, pulled him up to her. "You fucking asshole," she said, as gently as she fucking could. Caleb/Bren stared at her, eyes wide, unrecognizing. "I figured it out," Beau continued furiously. Everything seemed to slow down--the fire, the other wizards, even the wind blowing smoke and the stink of charred meat into her face. "This isn't how it happened, right?" she shook him a little. Caleb/Bren put his hands up over hers, but didn't try to push her off. "This isn't how they wanted it to happen. You were going to change what happened here so that you could wake up. This is where you always go, why that room always looks like smoke."

"I didn't--I don't--" Caleb/Bren looked back towards the house, the roaring fire. Beau shook him again.

"You don't get to be that person," she told him. Behind her, she could hear the rest of the Mighty Nein finally catching up. Maybe Eodwulf or Astrid tried something--Beau felt a spell whisper in the back of her mind, but shook her head and shrugged it off. "You're not Bren. You're not a Scourger, or a Vollstrecker, or whatever. You're not like that woman in the cell under Rosohna."

"Rosohna," Caleb said, the vagueness beginning to leave. Under her hands, Beau could feel the soft robes changing to purple silk.

"Yeah, that's it." Beau let him down a little, to see if he could stand on his own two feet. "Remember? We're heroes of the fucking Dynasty."

Caleb wasn't short anymore, wasn't a kid. He looked at her outlined by fire, blood and dirt on his face but definitely their Caleb, now.

"Beauregard," he said, and looked over her shoulder. She couldn't quite track all of the emotions that went over his face, but she definitely saw shame, and grief, and some different kind of horror.

Jester, of course, nearly tackled him to the ground with her hug. "Caleb!" Beau had to keep hold of Caleb's jacket just to keep them both on their feet. Caleb stood frozen with his hands pinned to his sides, torn between more horror and breaking down in tears. Nott's arrival, while less likely to send them all tumbling, did more to break down Caleb's walls than anything else. Still pinned by Jester, he managed to bend down and scoop Nott up into his arms. The little goblin girl was probably the only person Beau had ever seen him hug, on his own.

"You made a promise," Nott said, into his shoulder.

"Is this what we're doing now?" Caduceus said, looming up behind them. He wrapped his long arms around all five of them, rested the side of his head on top of Caleb's with a sigh. "It's gonna be okay, Mister Caleb." He patted them gently. Beau was crushed together with the rest, but she didn't mind. It gave her an excuse to fold herself in closer, to drown out the crash of the roof behind them. Caleb was crying, she could feel his whole body shaking even if she couldn't hear him.

"Caleb," Yasha said, and her quiet voice shouldn't have been as clear as it was. "After everything you forgave me for, do you think I--that we would hold this against you? We are not the terrible things we have done. You told me that."

"Ah, but I did not mean it for myself," he only whispered it, but they all heard.

The noise of the fire was fading. Beau pulled back, a little, to see a black room unclouded by smoke. Caleb was here, still with them, still touchable. He tried to smile, though the expression was hollow, and put Nott gently back on the ground. She wouldn't let go, at first, until he sat down next to her so she could cling to his sleeve. He looked up at everyone else, unselfconscious, and leaned against his first best friend. "The Mighty Nein," he said, and his smile became a little more solid. A little more true. "I have tried to be better, because of you. For you. I...perhaps we should not have come to Rexxentrum. Certainly you never deserved to have my past dragged into your lives. I was selfish."

"Don't be stupid," Beau said. She kicked his knee, just a little, and scowled down at him. "We all know the Cerberus Assembly sucks. This isn't about you and your tragic past, or at least it isn't only about that."

"It's about the war, and everyone suffering, and people we know being hurt," Jester crouched down. "People we know also means you, Caleb. We came to get you out because you came to save us, before. Me and Fjord and Yasha. That's what we do, we save each other."

"You're already better than any of these assholes," Fjord held out his hand, scarred palm up. "We're gonna make sure they don't hurt anyone else. And we’re gonna need your help to do it."

Caleb took a deep breath. And then another. And then he reached up to grab Fjord's hand, to haul himself (and Nott) back to his feet. The black room began to fracture around them, under their feet. It cracked into geometric pieces, slowly at first, and then faster and faster. Beau caught glimpses of arcane symbols in the light they left, circles and diamonds and words she almost knew--but they overwhelmed themselves with light, until there was only blankness.

And then they woke up.

[wishingfornever]

11/22/17 – No Contact:  Net Neutrality

Seems like this is a thing.  Again.  Net neutrality.  See, I thought we were over this.  Nobody wants this but the ill-informed and capitalist business men.  This is why communism has been getting popular.  Because of lobbyists in the US.  Communists, be they legitimate or self-proclaimed, spawn from unchecked greed and corruption.

Whatever… Last night, I had a dream that I was president running for reelection.  Weird already, but here me out.  I received word that Esther and Dennis were going to have a baby.  This news was given to me by their doctor who was Robin Williams for some reason.  He handed me a file with ultrasounds and images of a newborn and I thumbed through, glossing over it.  I looked at him and said, “This is fake.”  They said it wasn’t because they already had the baby. I was angry.  I was in South Korea at the time and hired an assassin to KILL Dennis.  Of course, for some reason (dream logic) their hospital where they gave birth was also this base I happened to be in.  There were cameras everywhere and because I was running for reelection, I moved several of them out of the way before unlocking a trap door for the assassin to come in.  This set off an alarm and I casually walked away.  As I did this, I noticed a camera I had missed. I sat down with this South Korean general who was REALLY young for his position to discuss something.  As he talked, I watched the door expecting someone to come in and perhaps arrest me.  Of course, the base evacuated the civilians, meaning Esther and Dennis. Thing is, who walked through the door was the assassin dressed in a South Korean uniform.  He was angry with me because I let the targets escape.  His appearance confused the South Korean general but I told him what had happened.  Everything basically went to shit.

Dennis and Esther found out and my paranoid belief thought they had sent hitmen after me.  As I walked away, this civilian walked up to me wanting to just chat and I yelled at him.  The general was upset with my behavior.  I told him that he was the only person I could trust. Everyone had betrayed me thus far.

That trend continued. I looked away to look at something and he jumped on my back and stabbed me from behind.  I remember I just wanted this to be over before I woke up.

There was more but that’s what I recall.  The general and I had been buddies before Dennis and Esther showed up.  I can’t recall much else though.

If I try to interpret the dream… maybe the more they succeed the more angry I’ll get?  And the more angry I get the more I’ll fail?  I will destroy myself trying to destroy them? I don’t know, dreams are weird.  May mean nothing.

I was concerned because last night I had a hard time falling asleep. Didn’t think I’d wake up today.  Not at a reasonable time, at least.  I don’t know what happened last night, to be honest. Today, my Achilles tendons on my right leg hurts.  Like I bashed it on something.  It hurts really badly.

Weird. I ate an apple and I got hungry.  Maybe a lot of my weight loss is because I’m starving?  If you don’t eat long enough you’ll stop feeling hungry for a bit.  I doubt that’s the case, honestly, but it’s peculiar.  Didn’t feel hungry until I ate.

Since I added Ariel, I decided to review my apps.  I went on Snapchat just now and surely enough I found Ariel as a contact.  I also found Esther… she’s using a new name.  Seems she didn’t remove me from Snapchat, she just got an entirely new one.  No longer “BlossomingBuddha” but “Shadow” plus a long number.

She REALLY hates me if she resorted to finding a new name.

Well… I wonder how many snapchat profiles someone can have.  Seems to me it’s linked to a phone number but she has a business snapchat… idk.  I don’t know enough about Snapchat to actually do anything. I… may try to learn it.  The horror that is modern technology.

Shadow… edgy, isn’t it?  I bet she has a new email, too.  One that I won’t be able to guess the name of.  Or maybe I can guess, but I’d rather not.  Getting some broccoli right now.  Put some margarine on it and call it a night.  Quick but vegetarian.  As I prepared it, I couldn’t help but wonder how much of her has changed.

Then again, it’s probably an old profile.  I mean… everyone else on my contacts had this little avatar.  It was… weird.  I don’t think so, though. Idk.  Maybe she got a new phone and phone number to avoid me as well.  If she did… that’s a lot of damage. :/

What if… I’m not the reason.  What if her mother and her had a falling out.  Oof… life is complicated.  I hope she can still talk to Michael.

I think I’m dehydrated.  Might not be drinking enough water.  I say that because I’ve been going to the bathroom more frequently.  With the exception of the morning, I seldom have a steady stream.  It happened before, back when I basically locked myself in a room and didn’t leave for any reason.  However, I’m eating.  I just ate. Technically had breakfast, too.  I had a glass of water this morning.

My lips are kind of chapped.  Could be that I have cholera.

Kidding, kidding.  I’d be dead by now if I did.  Still, can’t help but wonder.  I’m going to get some chores done while listening to Ariel sing.  Then after that, I’ll finish my portion of Rosetta Stone.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to speak either English or Spanish well after I learn.  It’s hard to explain.  I guess in exchange of only speaking one language, I learned to be rather proficient in that one language.  Where would I be without my ability to write somewhat uplifting bullshit.  Would Ariel still love me?  Would Esther had ever loved me? Hard to say.  But for now, chores.  Then?  Spanish followed by Max.  All with Ariel’s lovely voice filling the house.  Esther may be going through a rough patch… but for me?  Things aren’t that bad.  I worry, but what else can I do? Hopefully it’ll work out.  For her and me, even if we can’t work out together.

Brb, dishes.

I’m back.  Dishes aren’t done.  Rather, I drank a couple glasses of water and a deluge happened.  I guess my digestion requires more water.  So, theory is confirmed.  I need to drink more in general. Anyways… I think I’ll finish my lesson and then do the dishes. Wrap up everything as it comes along.

Brb, Spanishes.

Just finished the final and longest of the first unit or whatever for Rosetta Stone.  It ended a bit harder than I’d like it to but I got the hang of it eventually.  At this rate, I should be done in… 48 days with all lessons, not including days where I’m too tired or too lazy.  I hope that rate is sufficient.

Finished just in enough time to walk max.  When I get back, I’ll probably get to the chores…

I’m back.  Thing is, I didn’t do chores.  I will in a bit.  But I decided to uninstall all my games.  Again.  I did it the first time to prove to Esther that’d I’d change.  Well, I have changed and I’ve basically stopped playing anyways.  I still have one, but… eh.  I won’t play it.  I just need it for my book that I’ll never finish.

I decided to follow her on Tumblr.  I DOUBT she’ll notice it’s me, but we’ll see.

Quick scroll.  “Help Pay my Rent” sale?  I see.  She won’t even be able to afford a down payment or a place.  And they don’t have a car, so they won’t be doing anything.  She’s just saving up now I’d wager.  Shame I missed it.

Maybe there is a chance we’ll talk again.  She isn’t desperate enough to ask me for help, but if I offer it… maybe.  Thing is, she hates me.  I’ll have my chance on the 30th.  It’ll be the only chance I have. I’ll ask her if I could get premium.  I guess if she blocks me, I could always message her on Snapchat and ask for it. Then again, whose to say what will follow? What I need is a job.  If I don’t have a job by the 30th, I might… lie to her.  Oof.  I don’t want that, but I also don’t want her to get stuck there.  And, of course, I need to think about Ariel. This is complicated.  I want to help her but she won’t let me. Honestly… something in me tells me she’s on the verge of killing herself. Then again, I’m dramatic.  I know this.  Part of my character.