#seeing them all be so good andnher and Fen be so loving to them and hearing so many people tell me

[cascadianights]

As someone who has never known if I would/could have a child, it is so incredibly significant to me how much love the puppies I've raised will spread in the world

I grew up with dogs, one a year older than me and one a decade younger - more since. I always had a dozen animals around me, but I am also chronically ill and disabled. So I waited over a decade into my adult life to get a dog.

I knew I needed a service dog, and that I'd have to put my years of work with animals into it because I'd never afford one (or the crystal clear diagnoses to get granted one). I didn't even begin to consider it until after I'd spent months taking care of a roommate's wolf-dog, and even then...

I wasn't considering puppies. He was, to replace the dog he'd lost, but I hadn't even batted an eye at any of the many he'd shown me. Then I saw Alice - one of over half a dozen mutts produced from a husky breeder mating with a family Pitt. Something clicked. Suddenly I was going, just to see, and was pulling money out of the bank on the way. When I got there, it was past dark and I sat in a dimly lit hut outside while a brindle puppy climbed into my lap and refused to leave.

There were others, with one blue and one brown eye each, with husky golden coats that could've passed for purebred. Who were friendlier, more enthusiastic. But she planted herself in my lap, and there she stayed the hours drive home.

She was so easy to work with. Quick to learn, eager to please and devastated to disappoint. She was always in tune with my body & mind, more than I'm able to be, and even heavily pregnant would tell me just when to turn around before the pain in my ankle began, or when I needed to sit before the world spun in front of me. Nevermind the panic attacks, the leading me out of stores while I'm dissociating out of my mind. The way she checks in as soon as the intrusive thoughts - "you can't see them, so something horrible must've happened" - take over. The way she sleeps touching me (or my partner) at nearly all times.

But for all the ways she helped me, helped us, it's been even more amazing to watch her move through the world. Greeting people at parties with a contained enthusiasm, trotting up to strangers without fear the second she hears the go-ahead. People see her and beam, they pet her and smile as she shoves her toy back into their hand in offering. Little children clap and point, the youngest babies reach out and laugh in delight as she gently licks their face or outstretched palm. My sister's toddler follows obediently after her with a hand at her waist, resting on Alice's back. Workers smile through weary masks and babies beam and adults giggle and croon.

She brings the best to everyone. She brings joy and smiles and laughter, calm and peace and safety. She's everything I hoped for in a dog and more, and she's one of my companions and partners through this terrifying world.

And she had babies. She had puppies to nurse and raise and care for, and she did so every minute diligently and gently and lovingly. And now they're spread throughout the world, through friends and family and friends that are like family, to bring the world more of the joy and peace and calm that she brings. I see pictures and videos and hear stories from friends and friends of friends, and get to run into the very puppies born into my hand barely a few pounds on this earth now spreading so much love and joy and hope. Every puppy went to a loving home I trust, and every one of them is spreading that same love and hope and joy through the world and that is! Incredible!!!