#seoulbrothers

[theother12hours]

My brother #rapharides #seoul #rapha_asia #rapha_korea #rcchkg #rccsel #rapha #cyclingunites #seoulbrothers #cyclingbrothers #cyclingfamily #brothers #languagebarriers #idontknowkorean 📷 @ahot_jay 👍🏻 (at Hong Kong)

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 9, 2009

Lucy's surgery was successful and she's resting. She now has a port on her stomach that you can blow into to play jug band music.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 87

It's not that I have to buy tampons. It's that I have to search for a specific level of flow control.   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 84

I remembered the milk and bread, but I completely forgot to do something with my life.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 83

I've spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82

Your dire warning of "Everything will change now that you're married" says far more about your relationship than it ever could about mine   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73

I'm starting a band that only plays polka songs about Nostradamus's predictions. We'll call ourselves Accordion to Prophecy.   @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 69

Sorry, but you wouldn't have slammed your face into the dashboard if you had studied physics, and if you weren't a cat.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

It's as if Americans have forgotten that today is 9/11.   @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 68

For the record, today is the anniversary of our first date, not of when we got married.  I don't know when that is.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

Depending on the situation, fanny packs are probably pretty useful DAMN YOU CARGO PANTS YOU ARE A GATEWAY DRUG.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66

I can't tell if this commercial is for the Army or deoderant.   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64

I wonder how much smaller Glenn Beck would get if someone rubbed him all over with Preparation H.   @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 62

I clutch the live grenade in my sweaty, shaky hand. The meeting ends 57 minutes early!   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 62

If there's a better way to commemorate the Berlin Wall falling than by letting my pants fall down on the bus, I'm all ears.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

-Honey, did you come? -Yeah, like ten times!  Sargasm   @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 56

Can't a guy read his favorite Nabokov novel out by the playground without getting a bunch of dirty looks? Sheesh.   @biorhythmist (matt) – 56

You know how I know you're gay? You watch The View with your pants on.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 55

"Grifting for Dummies" is expensive.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

Apparently, my super-power is holding onto the best woman in the world. Happy fourteen years, @damselesque!   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

This whole meme is silly. We all know that you don't say words after sex. You just sob, right guys? Guys?   @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 53

[splorp]

Tweet!

After a discussion over beverages with @moltz, @seoulbrother, and @mrwarren … our podcast will likely be named “Four Nerds With Newtons”. April 06, 2017 at 09:38AM

[murderofcro-ws]

Favorite tweets: The fat cats’ real concern shouldn’t be a lack of productivity but that without a commute, workers begin to love all the extra personal and family time they have.Time for kids, time for self-improvement, time to make guillotines, etc.— SeoulBrother (@SeoulBrother) March 17, 2020

http://twitter.com/SeoulBrother

[sproutfavorites]

Going back to March 2006 to trash the hard drives at twttr is the new killing baby Hitler. https://t.co/2OZPyacMW4

— SeoulBrother (@SeoulBrother) October 3, 2017

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 30, 2009

I joined the KKK for the homophobia but stayed for the anonymous gay sex.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132

Judging by your face, you are not an attractive person.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 107

What is productivity, really? I will ponder this question while sitting in my new manila folder igloo.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

Lost the baby Jesus for the miniature nativity scene, so I used a frozen Jimmy Dean sausage instead. Merry Sausagemas.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 89

My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88

A friend asked me how old I thought she was. I answered vaguely to be safe, saying "Young enough for acne but old enough for sagging boobs."   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 81

Best part about carrying a ukulele through an airport:   THEM: "So... you a musician?"  ME: "Yeah, I play a little guitar."   @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 74

The Boy came into my room with tears welling in his eyes, to ask if I had sold his pajamas. Which just goes to show: kids are fucking weird.   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 69

Well, that's the last time I offer myself up to be deep crawled.  With no computer.  At a bar.   @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 66

I'm not sure there would be such a stigma if instead of crabs, people could be infested with popcorn shrimp.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 63

Missing tweet #6190424272   @cravenheart (Unavailable) – 61

Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards.   @Moltz (Moltz) – 61

"I like only white lights on the tree." "I want colored lights." "Colored? That's racist." "You're the one who wants the white only tree."   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 60

"Satellite Radio" is a trademark. The generic term is "Radio! From! Spaaaaaaaace!"   @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 58

Tiger Woods deserves the benefit of the doubt no matter how many people he supposedly killed.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Sad to announce The LunaPod Project is now dead.  My mass-produced $7 rocket to the moon was undermined by suppliers, lawyers, and reality.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

I looked at my tweetcloud. I think I'm gay and pretty certain I have a poop fetish. My life makes so much sense now.   @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 56

A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky.  At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

In most states, Texas would be too retarded to execute.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 54

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 7, 2009

Two days of American television commercials lead me to believe American men have flaccid penises and would prefer erect penises.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 94

Sometimes I pick my cat up and use his paw to flip the light switch and wonder if he thinks he's magic and I'm drunk.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 75

Once upon a time, back when a 40-hour week could feed a whole family, unions created Labor Day. "Unions" were sort of like fairies or elves.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 65

Three days in America and I haven't seen a single moose crossing sign. Way to ignore basic road safety, AMERICA.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

I've realized I am really good at sex, repairing cars, cooking five course meals, and making up lies about myself.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 61

They say long distance relationships never last, but my couch and I are going to get through this thing together.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"   @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58

I gave a fish to a man in Reno just to watch him eat for a day.   @apelad (Adam Koford) – 52

APPARENTLY, having a lightsaber battle in just your tighty whities is yet ANOTHER activity that is only cute when the kids do it.   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

"My nips are lumb." I think she means "My lips are numb." Either way, we're cutting grandma off on the beer.   @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 47

To those who marched, fought and died so that rich douchebags would quit wearing white shoes, I buy this couch at 20% off in your honor.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47

Poppadom peach Red bean hoisin sweets. Poppadom peach. Raisin tuber beef. Never listen to Madonna hungry.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

Does this avatar make me look like I've been dead since 1962?   @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 45

If Obama names me Beer and Ice Cream Czar, I'll never quit no matter how many mean things Glenn Beck says about me. I'm no pussy.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45

It's like the whole office is late today. I should get a prize or something for being the first one here.   @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 44

I have been awake for 48 hours and have solved zero mysteries.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 41

If anyone in San Francisco is standing near AT&T's 3G service, could you drop a couple quarters in, then maybe smack the side like Fonzie?   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 41

Just a hunch. Faulkner would suck at Twitter.   @crustyjuggler72 (Unavailable) – 39

After bad sex, he said, "The pleasure was all mine." I said, "Indeed it was," This was an incorrect response. Apparently.   @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 37

I'm going to start wearing a NuvaRing on my wrist and then tell people I'm supporting the cause of Never Having Kids.   @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 37

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 3, 2009

Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 83 ceiling tiles in our meeting room. And 8 light fixtures, with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 127

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 121

Obama's birthday is Tuesday. Let's all chip in and get him a new vice president.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 104

Nothing kills the mood faster than the buzzer from the dryer. Except asking to be untied so you can start the next load of laundry.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 95

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 88

If I star her tweet about our relationship problems, thats the same as an apology right?   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 82

Sleepmasturbating is a rare but perfectly normal condition. I know you know that. This is more for the other passengers of Delta flight 881.   @sloganeerist (jtdobbs dur) – 78

The good thing about living in a state of constant fear? No hiccups.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 74

Wife dragged me to a cooking class last night. I'm beyond clueless. When chef pointed out the whips & beaters, I shouted my safe word.   @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 72

How in the world did people remember the Alamo before Post-It notes?   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

I've never made money on Twitter. But I've made real friends. And that's rare.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 70

I'm glad you stopped by my office to complain about your day. This reminds me of that time I didn't give a shit.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67

My IRC handle is sandwich69 because that's how I was conceived.  Think about it.   GROSS STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.   @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 64

1f u c4n r34d th1s.  1t'5 t1m3 f0r u 2 g3t l41d.  ...53r10u5ly.   @theduty (duty) – 64

I was about to speak in the Mens room but that would be rude and awkward. Besides, it's difficult with this giant cock in my mouth.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 61

I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.   @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 61

If your breaking news tastes purple, you may be suffering from cnnesthesia.   @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Too much Rage Against The Machine and I start to worry my wife is going to burn the motherfucking Suzuki Aerio to the ground.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

How do people end up worshipping Satan? That's like hating school so much you start your own secret, after-school detention club.   @Remiel (Remiel) – 55

Last night I worked up the nerve to tell the neighbors to turn down their music. Then I walked home as fast as my giant balls would let me.   @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 54

[thisdayinfavrd]

October 18, 2009

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."   @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 82

Don't change urinals midstream.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

TERRORIST 1: Let's commit atrocities! TERRORIST 2: What about America's "resolve?" T1: Lucid point. T2: Cancel everything? T1: Of course.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

One nice thing about not having kids is a house full of unbroken crap.   @navanax (50% More Slime) – 46

Facebook just recommended I add myself as a friend.  Waiting for Netflix to recommend I watch my own homemade porn.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

Dessert sounds nice, but I'm trying to watch my neighbor's girlish figure. Maybe later.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

Seasonal changes getting you down? THEN YOU MIGHT BE A LEAF.   @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 43

"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Please, officer. My family and I have been at a pumpkin farm. Of course I've been drinking."   @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 43

I almost hit a woman and her seeing-eye dog with my car. They were obviously in my blind spot.   @MODAT (Modat) – 41

Age 8: Cap'n Crunch right after pouring milk in. Age 40: Mini Pizza Bites right after microwaving.  The roof of my mouth never ages.   @biorhythmist (matt) – 39

If Kirk Cameron thinks that bananas fitting in a person's grip is proof that a god exists, then I think that god also loves handjobs.   @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 39

Being on Twitter makes someone a writer in the same way that being on Cops makes someone a TV star.   @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 39

At my age, hearing that I'm a natural at something I don't do professionally further confirms that I've wasted my life.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 38

Her: You used to say excuse me when you farted.  Him: You used to let me cum in your mouth.  Equity depends on perspective.   @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 37

My son is getting over the swine flu. After everything I'd read on Twitter, I'd really expected it to be funnier.   @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 36

I'm not saying I have an Internet porn addiction but the lady in front of me in line got some Bufferin and I started to take off my pants.   @biorhythmist (matt) – 36

I first learned to cook after remarking (in front of my mum), that men were chefs while women were cooks, and nearly starving to death.   @navanax (50% More Slime) – 35

I'm watching baseball, but I'm thinking about mastur-SEX! I'm thinking about sex. With a woman. I mean, my wife. Me having sex with my wife.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 35

Here's a brand I haven't heard from in a while: Selsun Blue. I hope everything's okay.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 35

The Beaver moon is waxing.   @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 34

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 28, 2009

We're holding Lucy for the first time in eleven days. I can barely see to write this.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 269

I hope Congress starts naming lots of roads, bridges and airports after Ted Kennedy, like they did when Reagan died.  OK, maybe not bridges.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 96

Dog is mans' best friend until you need a ride to the airport.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 94

I tried to break in new shoes today. These shoes will not be broken. They are mustang shoes. Run free, mustang shoes.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 92

I can't believe a 4+ app like the iPhone camera lets you photograph a neighbor lady sleeping in her underwear.   Shame, Apple. Shame.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 90

Proust, Pynchon and Foster Wallace walk into a bar.  Oh, who am I kidding. This joke will just end up sitting on my nightstand for months.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 83

I can tell my period is coming when I’m in tears trying to find the giant spoon I use to eat dinner directly from the ice cream container.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 80

It's satisfying to see someone on a magazine cover and have no idea who they are or why they've stopped having intercourse with someone.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 76

Ugh, I've still been writing "Leopard" on my checks all day.   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 67

Oh my god this is such a horrible picture of me, hold on while I post it on every social website with that as the caption.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 63

I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.   @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 63

It saddens me to see people use punctuation the way they do when there are children in China who don't have ANY commas or apostrophes.   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 60

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVENESS TIP: The proper response to "I hope no one ever treats you the way you treated me" is "Oh man, me too!"   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

Chinese restaurant menu misspelling, or delicious new delicacy? I'll let you know. Right after I eat this Crab Raccoon.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 56

My Friday: Ate a 20 oz. T-bone, watched 'Inglourious Basterds,' shot a .357 Magnum, drank vodka from a crystal skull. Pretty standard stuff.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Things I am no longer allowed to photocopy:  1) Me. 2) Photocopies of me.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

I'm guessing that seeing your post RT'd and edited using text shorthand is like seeing your son give a great speech at a NAMBLA convention.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 54

This lady was all, "STOP PUNCHING MY BABY!" so I was all, [eyeroll] "Um, this isn't yours."   Pfft. Like I would punch some stranger's baby.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

Current me hasn't done anything 14-yr-old me anticipated. Leonardo DiCaprio hasn't aged well, though. We'll call that one a bullet dodged.   @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 53

I overcooked my oatmeal. And I accidentally put paprika in it instead of cinnamon. You guys should try this, I'm calling it "Sadness Paste".   @katefeetie (one katie please) – 51

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 18, 2009

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  - loser   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72

I won't trust the news about Walter Cronkite's death until I hear it from Walter Cronkite.   @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 60

Friend asks Jim how he stays faithful when faced with temptation. "Oh, Stephanie has turned me off to the idea of women altogether."   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

My baby is truly advanced. Three months old and she just wrote her name. With poo. On my beard. At the grocery store.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 57

Me and my brother-in-law are going to get vasectomies together like totally super hetero dudes tend to do.   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

Once your dad walks in on you masturbating on his bed, it's probably too late to wake up your mom and ask her for some privacy.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 52

Who's got three thumbs and isn't saying anything more until he gets a lawyer?   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Like most men, I am curious how often women think about sex. I asked them and apparently it's not very often, at least not at this church.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 51

I have to watch eight youth soccer games this weekend. This will severely test my ability to fake enthusiasm.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

What's the cheat code on this ATM?   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

BREAKING: Amazon deleted Walter Cronkite.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

Studies show that the people who believe the moon landing was fake are the same people who believe professional wrestling is real.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 47

Those high school cheerleader car washes teach valuable lessons for young women, like community outreach, fundraising and working a corner.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47

I wanted to give her Spanish Fly, but mistakenly gave her Canadian Fly. She didn't get horny, just overwhelmingly polite.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46

I woke up disgusted at the state of this apartment. Just as I decide to give my roommate a piece of my mind, I remember I live alone.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43

Oddly, the oleophobic coating on my iPhone interacts chemically with my finger to produce a delightful hollandaise.   @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 43

Ebay still requires your nude reflection to be visible in photos of the item you're selling, right? Cool. Uploading.   @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42

I always wanted to go to Comic Con but I can fuck stuffed animals at home for free.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42

There's no "I" in "team" but there is an "I" in "penis". And if you play your cards right, there could be a "penis" in "U". Ladies.   @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 42

I'm across the river, in Virginia. Though it's the old Confederacy, talking like Foghorn Leghorn isn't helping me blend in with the locals.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41

[thisdayinfavrd]

September 10, 2009

A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 133

Me: "It's getting late, time for bed."  5-year-old: "YOU LIE!"  Me: "How dare you talk to me like that? Where did you learn-- Oh."   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 109

Listen: "For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health."  I never said you can eat pepperoni off my pizza.  NEVER.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 94

Obama's right. We should offer a "public option." So today I'm getting dressed with the curtains open.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 73

The lack of a Jumbotron in the U.S. House chamber is embarrassing.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 69

A friend told a good joke. Unable to star him, I gave him a hug. It was awkward.   Twitter is turning me into a weirdo.   @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 68

Drove through the rich neighborhood, rolled down my window and yelled "HE'S STILL PRESIDENT, MOTHERFUCKERS." I am nothing, if not effective.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 66

Members of Congress near Rep. Wilson are reported to have heard him say right before his outburst: "Hold my beer and watch this..."   @biorhythmist (matt) – 59

I don't see "Thou shalt pay for healthcare" in the Bible. It's mostly this Jesus guy healing people with pre-existing conditions for free.   @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 57

Dear Redbook, my kidnapper gave me the May issue to pass the time and Mary-Kate’s foreplay tips have been super effective! p.s. help me   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56

"You're on twitter? What do you tweet about?" "Pets, crafts, stuff about my kids." "Aww really? What's your name on there?" "@fireland."   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 55

Hi, you may know me from the craigslist missed connection you're going to write later.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."   @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 55

I guess you really can't teach a bird to use a circular saw.  Anyway, there's a half puffin in the break room if anyone wants it.   @davegorum (dave.exe) – 52

It's so cute how my wife assumes I packed pants.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

Wow. That guy really wanted Obama to start playing a classical Greek stringed instrument, not unlike a small harp.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

You know you ate too many Krispy Kreme donuts when you wake up knowing how to fly WWI biplanes.  And speak Dutch.  And you're in Malta.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

Missing tweet #3886904691   @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 49

This speech will be a failure, Wolf, if the President fails to use the words "bullshit," "fucktards," or at least "assjackets." Back to you   @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 47

I just ate so much cheese The Monkees reunited and asked me to crochet some hats. That would make sense to you if you ate this much cheese.   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 47

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 19, 2009

Stealing small office supplies isn't like you're really stealing because they have a lot of those things already. -Gandhi   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88

WHEN IT'S TIME TO PARTY WE WILL PARTY HARD.  AT THE MOMENT IT IS NOT TIME TO PARTY SO WE WILL DRINK OUR COFFEE QUIETLY.  QUIETER.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 85

I'm going to hit the hay. Because I hate hay.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

A little extra effort today means they won't find the body tomorrow. -Ben Franklin   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80

I was impressed with the 15yo team that humiliated my daughter's 12yo team, since it must be hard to play soccer pregnant.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74

I slept like The Rock. My wife could smell what I was cooking.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

Call something "lame" and the disabled cry foul. Call something "dumb" and you don't hear a peep.  Oh. Right.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 62

You had me at "Please stop talking and put your penis in my vagina".   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 60

Got up *really* early this morning and washed the dishes, did laundry, hung it out to dry, made breakfast and then I remembered I am lying.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 57

Apparently it's not cool to stop during sex to tweet something funny you just thought of. Sorta related: This couch is really comfortable.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 55

Having a huge cup of coffee in the backyard. A mosquito just bit me. I bet it's going to have a very productive day. Or lifespan.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

You know it's time to do dishes when you're eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a ladle.   @apelad (Adam Koford) – 51

Someone left two strawberries on my chair. Now I know how fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt feels. Pretty pissed off, apparently.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

iPhone just corrected "omg" to "IMF". Because like most iPhone owners, I'm always texting my friends about the international monetary fund.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

Drinking from a children's water fountain is one way to determine that your dress is too short.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 49

The boy is either sleeping in or he's dead. Either way, there'll be drama later, so I'm going to take some time to sit and enjoy my coffee.   @Moltz (Moltz) – 44

We're checking out constellations. The only one I can ever find is the bear riding a skateboard.   @srslainey (Unavailable) – 43

"Holy fuck I'm blind! What happ—who the hell bought the damn kleenex with lotion? If I want lotion in my kleenex I'll just ask a teenage boy   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 43

I imagine the best part of being a clown is terrorizing children with penis shaped balloons. Well, that and the drinking.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

I'm sorry sir but when you pronounce it "expresso", you automatically lose the right to comment on its quality.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 42

[thisdayinfavrd]

May 28, 2009

The only way I could be less interested in today is if Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker were in it.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 139

And behind every great woman is a great ninja.  Of course you can't see the ninja.  That's why he's *great*.  Try to keep up, people.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 128

I have sold four shirts at twitshirt.com, earning me $2. I regret making that deposit on a swimming pool.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 84

Killing a king is regicide. But killing Regis Philbin would just be homicide. That seems somehow unfair.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 73

Considering how much my wife swears while cooking, I'm now positive that our stove runs on profane gas.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70

If your idea of a good time is laying in bed with a box of Trix, it is time to look at your life.  And be thankful it is so fucking AWESOME.   @FanEffingTastic (Kara) – 67

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Some Skank & Maybe a Dude   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

I fell while running on the treadmill. I'm okay, but I can't say the same about the bag of Doritos and beer I was holding at the time.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 65

Did you know? The sound of shooting whipped cream into your mouth masks the sound of your wife coming downstairs.   @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 61

The Boy would like everyone to know that 7 years ago TODAY he wriggled into the world by doing unspeakable things to my wife's happy place.   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 58

Some days, Chuck Norris just wants to be cuddled.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Yeah, buddy, that's a tampon in my pocket. Stand down. You will not win this argument.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57

Awakened by a shrill sound coming from some kind of red-numbered-display box on my nightstand. This can't be good.   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 55

Missing tweet #1941196604   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 54

Today is day three with no caffeine. My only solace is knowing that we are all going to die.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54

Meant to tell my husband, "Good luck & I love you," but it somehow came out as, "You are ruining my life."   @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 54

If you're of a certain age, the worst thing about getting caught in the rain is being reminded of that fucking song with the piña coladas.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54

Life would be easier if I could just breathe coffee. Except for the astronaut helmet full of scalding hot liquid, I guess.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

I'd have been a great Viking. As long as I had hand cream. My hands get very dry. And who wants dry hands when you're raping and pillaging?   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Me: Sigh. I wish we had kids. Him: Uhh. That'll be $25.70. Me: For us to have a child?! Him: For the groceries, ma'am.   @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 52

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 16, 2009

Spent the entire evening wrestling with a new wireless printer. Probably should have spent that time trying to set it up.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 101

Does anyone know how to get Rohypno— I mean, cake bat— I mean clown blood out of a carp— fuck. Let me start over.  Does anyone have a loom?   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 92

When your wife's away, the world is your napkin.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91

Yeah, you BETTER walk away, ant.  Pussy.  Oh shit he's coming back!   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 81

I can't believe I'm late for work. If there's one person I shouldn't have trusted to set the alarm, it's your mom.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 77

The secret to drinking on the job is to not care about the consequences.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

My son has been a total bitch ever since the sex change HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA he's so distant these days :(   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70

"Isn't it your round?"  "It is not my round."  "Jeez. I guess it's my round."  Jedis never pay for drinks.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

Whenever you start to feel like you don't get the recognition you deserve.   Just think how Tom Cruise's boyfriend must feel right now.   @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 68

Bill Gates is working on a device to fight hurricanes by manipulating the sea. Glad he's staying busy after solving the spam problem.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

It's "crunch time" here at work. I'm eating granola and Doritos at my desk.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58

Excuse me, Miss, could I ask you to wear a longer skirt next time? I'm not your gynocologist.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58

Checking into a hotel w/my daughter.  Me: "Is the porn channel disabled?"    Him: "No, it's just regular porn, but I can get a DVD."   @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 56

Morning people, thank you for making our coffee. Now please stop smiling.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

There's a set of footprints in the bathroom and now I'm afraid Jesus was watching me pee.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54

My iPhone autocorrects "Jedis" to "Jesus".  I would discuss this further, but these lightsaber noises aren't going to make themselves.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

Dear cute guy on the train, I've already written the story of how we met for you to tell our five children.   @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 51

How often are you supposed to shave a baby?   Please say no more than twice a week.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Thank you to all that told me the plural of the made-up word "Jedi" is not the made-up word "Jedis" but is still the made-up word "Jedi".   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

Hey, dude in the Hummer with all the chrome, the lights, and the crazy rims...  Sorry about your penis.   @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 50

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 13, 2009

OMG! There's a milkshake in the yard across the street! GOTTA GO!   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 125

The U.S. deficit is now $1 trillion. If we can figure out how to send a man to the moon, we can figure out a way to ignore this problem.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 91

Two hours into this and nobody has flat-out asked her if she's a witch. What kind of shoddy inquisition is this?   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 87

No, YOUR mustache smells like an inexpensive stripper! Yeesh, I really need to work on my comebacks. Sorry, Nana, you deserve better.   @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 84

Scampering naked from branch to branch. Hoarding seeds and nuts. Yelling at ugly people.  If squirrels can do it, why can't I?  Officer?   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

The FedEx trucks seem to go way faster than the ambulances in this town. If anything happens to me, forget 911. Schedule a pickup.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 73

Text to my father: You're not an asshole. You're a whole ass.   Return text: Apple. Tree.   @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 71

I was sitting in a pile of money eating ice cream when the masseuse stood up after my happy ending and blocked the tv! Ugh! I hate Mondays.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 71

Employment brings the frustration of home projects undone.  Unemployment reveals that you never really wanted to do them.  <flute solo>   @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 66

Missing tweet #2609536329   @srslainey (Unavailable) – 66

I don't crave Mexican food anymore. Thank you, taco patch.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

"I ain't saying she's a gold digger/ But she ain't messing with no broke ... uh, noogies."  White liberals shouldn't sing along to hip-hop.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 64

Jessica Simpson gets dumped the day before her birthday and the stock market soars. Capitalism can be so cold.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

Atlanta. Secret CNN bunker.  "So we're agreed — if there is so little news that we may be forced to report on Iraq, WE KILL TONY DANZA."   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

Hmm, I guess necessity really is the mother of HONEY WHY IS MY ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND?   @biorhythmist (matt) – 59

The noxious perfume lets me know you're sitting in your cubicle. The jingly fucking bracelet warns me you're headed to mine.   @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

I'm fine with a wise Latina woman on the Supreme Court, but I also want a sassy Southern waitress with catch-phrase retorts.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Everybody please boycott Bank of America. They don't accept Twitter followers as mortgage collateral. "Blah blah actual income blah blah."   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

According to our Realtor, a detached office with internet access is referred to, in the official listing, as a "pornacatorium."   @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 54

Little brother is surfing on the Portuguese coast. I'm not jealous. I can see part of a tree from my cubicle. Sometimes. Through the tears.   @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 54