#seriously a blessing in my burnout recovery

[5-htreuptakeinhibitor]

i love art, im very grateful for adderall for gifting me with the executive function, ease of prioritization, and clearness of thought <3

[findinglifepassion]

Did I Break Myself?

I burnt out six years ago. Burnout means different things to different people. People who have no understanding of what it means often judge harshly. I know I did before I got sick. They assume we are weak and cannot handle stress. They assume we are unreliable and can’t be trusted to work in their organizations or add value. I’m wondering if they are right. 

As part of my burnout I had a spiritual awakening, meaning that my beliefs changed. What now feels right for me is to align myself with my higher purpose in life and to do work that is authentic and allows me to express myself in an honest way. I no longer feel that I could work in a corporate organization. It all feels so fake and unnecessary. I know many people who are happy and stimulated in these posts but it’s just for me. I’ve changed so much that it no longer fits me. It feels to me that it never fit me but I just didn’t know it until I had such an intense experience that everything for me changed. 

I recognized that writing is part of my journey and a key activity that feeds my soul. I need to be writing. As part of my recovery, I wrote Avoiding Burnout, my story of how I got sick and how others can avoid the traps. It was written to purge my own personal experiences and to help others to see things more clearly than I did on my way into burnout. 

I wrote my second book Harnessing Stress from a much happier place. I started to appreciate the benefits of stress. I could see the gift in the burnout and how it had shaped me and my life in positive ways. I share much research and knowledge about this in talks and workshops. It felt like a pivot in that I no longer wanted to warn people about stress, but rather for them to embrace stress as a necessary and helpful part of life. 

All this work feels like part of the journey of evolution for me. I’ve grown an incredible amount. I’ve reshaped my life to include things, activities and people that now fit the new me. I’ve overcome huge challenges, I’ve learnt a lot and met so many interesting people and at times life feels so rich. I’m extremely blessed to be a mother and to have my children benefit from my experiences. I’m able to be more present and to support them in ways that the old me could never have done. I feel like I’m equipped as a mother to help them move forward on their own journeys. 

All this sounds great and don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for it all. But there’s one problem. I have not been able to earn money in this new endeavor. My books have made a little money but not enough to live off. My workshops, with great content have never attracted more than two people at a time. My online webinars and masterclasses are full when free but no-one wants to pay for the content that has taken me years to put together. I’ve created an online course but it’s in limbo - in the hands of my partner who’s not answering my emails and I’m not able to advertise it or to promote it in any way since I don’t know when it will be available. 

So if this is my path, why can’t I earn money? I’ve spent thousands (literally thousands and thousands) on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual  healing. I’ve tried every modality I’ve heard of. I’ve read so many books on growth, I’ve done training courses on sales and marketing. I’m consistent and clear in my marketing. I know that I struggle with my self worth and I tend to doubt my own abilities. Maybe my belief that I’m somehow broken and that I’ll never be able to create value again is holding me back. Or something else that is not yet known to me. 

I look around at everyone who earns money. I see doctors, beauty therapists and all sorts of people around me all earning money. I’m an A-type achiever who gave so much she broke. I used to be super capable and impressive to others who met me. Now, I’m just writing and it feels like I’m just pursuing a hobby. When is it my turn to earn money, to generate wealth for my family and to be independent enough so that I have the freedom to just buy things without guilt and worry? How can I continue to live this life of dependence on my spouse who tends to control everything? 

I’ve tried to get employment in my previous trade but it is so far removed now that I don’t think I can do the job and that’s echoed by the professionals who I have consulted with. I suck at sales. I can’t believe in myself and yet on paper I have some amazing things to offer. What’s going on and how to I break free of this terrible trap of being unable to earn a cent? 

I’m okay with doing other work and writing for fun. But what work? The pandemic has added an additional layer on top of an already difficult job market. It has made getting any job almost impossible. I don’t even know what job I could do. We have affirmative action counting against me and a job market that is broken by economic ruin. I know I seem negative but I have seriously given this a good go. I’ve tried my best and I really don’t know what else to do that doesn’t lead my family into financial ruin. Let me know if you have any ideas cos I’m out and I’m possibly too broken at 45 to ever work in any meaningful way again. Oh well, I guess I just have to write and see what unfolds. What else can I do?