#seriously: don't read if you are a Gabit newbie and want to avoid any chance of spoiling your first event

[ramblings-of-a-fangirl-blog]

This tweet makes me sad. It makes me feel lots of love towards Amanda, and still, it makes me sad.

(Warning: GABIT-critical text ahead. Don't read if you haven't attended a GABIT event and want to form your own opinion first.)

It makes me sad...

...because these events mean so much to her, and she's missing them, but actually, she's missing the idealized version of the event, the version that everyone gushes about. ...because she doesn't know about the issues behind the scenes, and it makes me happy that she doesn't know because I don't want her to be sad about it. Yet, it also saddens me that what she believes these events to be is not what they actually are—I truly wish they were. ...because she's so profoundly grateful towards the directors of GABIT and the team members and stewards and some revered attendees, believing that they are the kindest and most caring people. However, she doesn’t see how some of them (not all, by any means, but enough in key positions to influence the entire event negatively) can behave nicely and caring when she's around, only to switch the moment she looks away. She doesn’t know about the rudeness and spitefulness happening on social media and in email correspondence. ...because she thinks GABIT is this place where everyone gets included into one big loving family. She believes GABIT is a friendship factory, a place of love and kindness. She doesn’t know about the attendees who don't have that experience. She doesn’t see how friendships formed at each event are primarily between the newbies, while many who consider themselves part of the GABIT family rarely reach out to include others. She doesn’t know how cliquey the event is, with groups of people who in part dislike and gossip about each other. She’s unaware of the bullying that some people have experienced at these cons.

I wish that GABIT would stop claiming that they are the best, most welcoming, most inclusive, most kind, most fan-friendly con (“No one does it better than GABIT.” “Gabit Events are the best [...] others might try to be better, but they will fail.”) but instead set it as a goal they strive towards, being aware that it's pretty much impossible to offer to 300 people with all kinds of different backgrounds and all kinds of different life experiences the perfect, inclusive experience they are priding themselves of this con being. I wish that GABIT wouldn't see itself as already perfect but acknowledge that they aren't and that they can and do make mistakes, thereby leaving an opportunity for growth. 

I wish that GABITeers would be self-aware enough not to generalize from their subjective experiences when they talk about GABIT being one open, welcoming, big family. “There are conventions, and then there are family reunions.” I wish that when hearing from people who aren’t getting that experience, it wouldn’t just result in an, ‘I'm sad you feel that way’, but would lead to actual changes to increase the chances that other attendees don't feel lonely and that it would serve as a reminder to stay humble and not state something as a fact that isn't. I wish that those who see themselves as part of the family would actively engage in including others. I wish that the newbies meeting at the beginning of the con wasn't primarily about newbies seeing other newbies and getting information about how the convention is organised – information that hardly contributes to getting to know the newbies and including them into ‘the family’ – but that it was used by those attendees who see themselves as part of the GABIT family to actively get to know the newbies. I wish the opening ceremony and the convention booklet would emphasize how to make the con inclusive (e.g., what to do when you don't feel included, or how to help others feel included) rather than just claiming the con is already inclusive while ignoring those who feel excluded. I wish it didn’t take nine conventions for someone from ‘the family’ to take on the role of a fully active newbie greeter, making a real difference.

I wish that GABIT didn't feel the need to put other conventions down in order to elevate themselves. I wish that questions about rules wouldn't get answered in an ‘other conventions don't allow this, but we do’ kind of way but just a simple ‘yes, allowed’ or ‘no, not allowed.’ I wish that announcing Amanda for a convention that doesn't take place on the same weekend nor in the same month, not even in the same continent as a GABIT event and that offers a fully different experience to the one-guest GABIT experience, wouldn't result in a rant about those convention organizers, making it look like they're “making Amanda's fans choose” between their event and GABIT. I wish that reactions like “mean spirited”, “super petty”, “reeks of desperation”, “underhandedly clutching at straws” weren't endorsed. 

I wish that GABITeers would have enough self-reflection to be aware and acknowledge that they can be unkind and rude too, and not just react with further rudeness when someone dares to point that out. It's only human to get angry and rude when your views and opinions are getting challenged or when someone else behaves disrespectfully towards you. I do believe that the ultimate sign of a person being kind is the ability to remain respectful even in such challenging situations. However, I'm not expecting that level of self-control from anyone. When, however, GABITeers insist that they are kind even while saying spiteful things or encouraging others to do so, it makes me feel unsafe around them and disconnected from them. The ‘masquerade ball’ poem written by Julia that Amanda read at AT9? A poem about how open and warm the GABIT community is and how you can let your mask fall there and be vulnerable? That's a hard thing to do around people you don't feel safe with. I also wish that when someone missteps and does or says something that actually is or can be interpreted as unkind, fandom's and in particular GABITeers' reaction wouldn't be to unleash all wrath on this person and make all kinds of spiteful comments. I wish that no GABIT director or team member or steward would endorse this reaction.

I wish that people weren't afraid to publicly voice criticism towards GABIT out of fear of getting banned, having seen people getting banned, and out of fear of getting spiteful reactions. The fact that people, including long-time attendees and stewards, are afraid to speak out shows the kind of atmosphere GABIT has created: One where some people in key positions and vocal GABITeers aren’t open to criticism, reacting instead with an ‘if you don't like it, don't come’ stance. I wish criticism towards GABIT wasn’t often automatically classified as unkind and mean, something done only by people who “get some kind of wicked pleasure in tearing others down to make themselves feel better.”

I wish that when directors and team members and stewards decide to stick to an official GABIT rule and offer zero leeway under the pretence of fairness, no matter the individual circumstances of a particular request and how non-compassionate that decision is, they'd do so in a respectful way instead of getting rude. I wish they’d still stand by their decision and not suddenly switch to a concerned, compassionate stance that allows for leeway, acting as if they weren’t aware of the circumstances before, the moment Amanda sees them. At photo or autograph sessions, they shouldn’t switch from an annoyed ‘you’re taking too long, hurry up!’ expression to a compassionate one within seconds, just because Amanda looks at them. Such sudden changes in Amanda’s presence make it hard to believe in the genuineness of anything they say or do. How can I believe the authenticity of anything said on stage or elsewhere where Amanda can see or read it? How can I trust that anything said isn’t just to look good in front of Amanda after such displays of two-facedness? This diminishes the enjoyment of the convention, especially given the amount of self-praise on stage.

I wish GABIT would actually fully reflect the kindness, humility and integrity Amanda shows.

And none of this critique takes away from acknowledging the passion and commitment and incredible amount of hard work the GABIT directors and team members and stewards are putting into these events. None of this takes away from the fact that GABIT offered Amanda Tapping fans a truly unique way to experience her intensively throughout one weekend, which is an absolutely fabulous way to get to know her. (And by intensively, I mean the amount of on-stage time she gets. You might have more time to talk to her at autograph sessions at other conventions.) None of this takes away from acknowledging all the small, thoughtful details that make this con different from other cons: The personal charm for the cocktail party. How a steward checks in with you while you wait in the queue. How you get introduced to Amanda by team members and stewards if you are a newbie. How GABIT directors and team members and stewards support you when you're nervous about meeting Amanda and support you through breakdowns. The funny ideas to get Amanda from the stage at the end of the panel. The lovely and unique ideas for Amanda like the Quilt of Many Hugs at AT3. None of this takes away from the fact that part of the directors, most team members and most stewards are genuinely caring and kind and friendly and supportive and willing to help you! Heartfelt thanks for that! None of this takes away from acknowledging the beautiful acts of kindness and generosity that happen between attendees at the con and outside of it. None of this detracts from the con high that often happens while attending GABIT events as it happens with other conventions: The joy and the energy and the strength that meeting Amanda and friends – in my case, none of whom see themselves as GABITeer – can give. None of this takes away from the fact that these events have helped many people and made a positive difference in their lives. None of this takes away from the fact that most GABIT-disappointed people are nevertheless hugely grateful to GABIT for all these reasons.

All of this is invaluable, and still, it's the people in key positions, the people who define themselves as the GABIT family and are vocal about it and about the con, who ultimately define what GABIT is; it's them who set the tone.

A lot of good things happen at and around GABIT. I wish the nasty things didn't overshadow them.

And

That tweet makes me sad... ...because given GABIT's seeming lack of openness to changes, Amanda's probably the only person actually in a position to be able to change GABIT and set new rules. Yet, in order to do that, she'd have to know what actually goes on behind her back. ...or maybe she suspects, but then everyone who talks to her says only positive things about GABIT, so she isn't sure whether she just is imagining things... ...or she knows some of it but chooses to look away, not wanting to spoil the experience for the fans who are enjoying themselves, believing the vast majority is getting the GABIT experience that's being talked about on stage... There's no way to know without talking to her about this topic, yet none of the GABIT-disappointed people I know, me included, would want to do that, and it therefore follows that nothing will change. We see how very much these events mean to her, and we are happy for her. Showing her that these events that are so close to her heart don't reflect her love, kindness, humility and integrity the way that she believes they do might burst the bubble and make her sad and hurt her, and none of us wants to hurt her. And we certainly don't want for her to think that criticizing an event that means so much to her is in any way a critique of her or an attack on her as a person because she herself is wonderful. We love her and are immensely grateful to her for doing these events and for all she gives to the fans at these events and at any convention. 

On a related note: It seems that attendance numbers at GABIT events have been declining. I truly hope Amanda doesn't think that this is in any way a reflection of people's interest in an event that has her as the only guest. It isn't, it has to do with the costs, and for several fans, it has to do with the conscious decision of not wanting to attend and support a convention where key persons display and/or endorse such a lack of integrity, kindness and humility. We prefer to see her at other conventions.

Note: Everything in double quotation marks is quoted from social media or speeches on stage. Besides that, it's hard to give examples as they're so specific that it would be immediately apparent to the GABIT directors and/or some team members and/or stewards, which persons have made those experiences, and chances are, these persons would face the wrath of GABITeers. Anyone who wants to can add their personal experiences here, however. Please, stay respectful.