theartistisme43

[ughthatimagineblog]

Pretend For Me (Part Eight)

(a/n); I was thinking about doing this later but we watched a boring movie in my third period so I decided to get it done. :))   warnings; LOTS OF FUCKIN ANGST LMAO like good fuckin luck yall. also language? its wade. that’s implied,

 Beginning the task was hard. It was difficult trying to get Loki to "like" you in the way you needed him to. Eventually, the solution was to allow him to put a hallucination spell upon you. You would then look and seem as if you were the girl of his dreams. When you needed him to.

 It worked. Nothing changed you, however, just the way he looked at you. You couldn't help but think it pretty odd. You even got a bit squeamish.  Once everything was set, you waited. Not to be ready to leave and find Wade, but for Wade to come to you. Peter must have told him, he had to have by the evening of the day Peter came to your apartment. So, you waited.  Nearly two months after everything was set when a knock came at your door.  "Coming." You yelled out, getting up from your couch and crossing your flat floor.  It was a cold Saturday afternoon, the middle of January. You were off, Loki was out and you didn't expect visitors.  You opened the door but only to have it pushed in. "Hey!" You shouted, trying to stop the intruder only to realize who they were.  "Wade?" You asked, furious. "Yeah, its me." He turned around and flipped his hoodie down. Marks began to show, only a little, and his hair was thinning.  You crossed your arms, understanding why he finally showed up.  "How shallow of you." You sneered before he could get more words out. His eyes pierced yours, angry and confused.  "Im sorry, what? Shallow of me?" He asked incredulously. "Yeah! You leave me, at my mom's funeral, I might add, for Vanessa after I heal you and then you show up here because your "ugly" starts to show? Yeah, I don't think so." You ranted, doing air quotes where it was necessary.  "What?" He very well shrieked. You cringed, but kept your position. "You think, I went back to Vanessa, to get back with her?" He yelled.  "Oh cut the shit like I didnt know. My family told me everything after you left." Wade was about to say something else when the door creaked open. You and Wade had moved your argument to the living room, yourself forgetting all about your alien "boyfriend".  You turned slowly to walk back in the kitchen. "Who the fuck is that?" Wade asked and you shushed him.  You walked into the kitchen, Wade walking, oddly, quietly behind you.  "Loki! Did you buy the notebook I needed?" You asked, plastering a fake smile on your face as his bright eyes turned to look at you.  It took a moment for the code word to sink in, and soon his gaze passed you and landed on Wade.  "Of course." He said, voice velvet and thick in the accent of which you had come to know. "And who might you be?" He asked kindly, coming to take your hand. "Wade fucking Wilson. And who the hell are you?" Wade asked with a snarky tone, obviously noting your connection.  “Loki. Loki Laufeyson.” He said, aware many knew his name by heart. Wade flinched. “The battle of New York Loki?” He asked, voice almost shaking. He nodded. “Why arent you in jail?” Wade yelled. “I’m on probation.” He shrugged and winked, smirking as he turned his head to look at you. “I bailed him out.” You explained quickly. Wade glared.  “Can I talk with you in the hall?” Wade asked nearly livid. He couldn’t believe what had happened in the time he was gone. The truth was, he left to go explain to Vanessa he was never coming back, despite being able to fix himself. When Wade found Vanessa to tell her, it was like by losing his old self, he found his new self.  “Wade?” She asked, voice hoarse. “Yeah, it’s me.” Wade stared back into her deep brown eyes and a tinge of regret seared through him. It was washed away almost immediately as Y/N’s face flashed in his mind.  “Youre healed.” Vanessa said, breathless. “How did you do it?” She continued, stepping out to cup his face. A look of disappointment fell on her face when Wade took a step back, avoiding her touch.  His stern expression didn’t falter as the raindrops beat down on his sweatshirt and dripped over his eyes, or when his brown ones met hers. “No.” He stated and her expression turned from confused to angry.  “What?” She asked narcissistically. “Ness, you don't care about me. The moment I came home looking like this you pretended like you didn’t care. I could tell. You shied away from me more and you flinched a little every time you looked at the real me. I don’t deserve the shit on a stick you serve me almost every damn day.”  “You only are willing to touch me because I look recognizable and not like a goddamn prune. So I’m just here to tell you that I’m never coming back for you. I used to think I would always come back for you, but I’m done dealing with your bullshit. I have a real home now. With someone who never flinched, who never backed away and never hesitated. So, goodbye. Have a nice life.” By the end of his rant he was out of breath. Despite this, he wasn’t going to waste any time to give her a chance to respond, so he turned and got in the taxi that had been waiting outside her home and drove away.  By the time he had gotten back to his place that he shared with you and you were gone. He had spent a week alone looking for you. Your family wouldn’t fess up not because you asked them to, but because they truly didn’t know. They didn’t bother.  He hired Peter to help and when he returned with the news, Wade wouldn’t come out of his room for nearly three weeks. When he finally came out, you had moved again. Well now he had found you. Not that it was an improvement.  He had found you, hurt, broken and with someone else. Someone dangerous on a universal scale.

 It broke his heart to see you with someone else, his usual sarcastic and arrogant persona extinguished at the very sight, he couldn't help but feel his stomach drop.

 Outside of his thoughts, you had agreed to go into the hall with him with some reluctance. You were shaking. You promised yourself over and over the next time you saw him you would yell and scream and throw things at him you were so upset. But standing with him now. . .

 A lump had formed in your throat and you were assessing the months of decisions you had made. The most dangerous criminal in the entire universe was sitting in your living room pretending to be your lover.

 You thought all the way back to your time with Wade. High school. He was your best friend. The man you had come to love, come to hate, come to love again and you had done three sixty. You hated him all over again.

 In the hallway, his shaking hands ran through his hair. A symphony of rushed emotions flooded through your ears as you questioned why you went back to him in the beginning.

 “I went to Vanessa to tell her goodbye.” He quietly said. You dared to look at him. “And? You still left me. You left when I needed you most, Wade.” You stated angrily.

 “I fucked up. I know that. Okay? But that maniac in there doesnt give two shit about you like I do.” He pointed to the doorway.

 “And how do you know that? You haven't been around, Wade.” You criticized every sentence that came out of his mouth.

 “I know that because you're hurting and I can tell. And he doesn't do anything about it.” Wade said, his face falling, knowing it was the truth.

 “How do you know I'm hurting?” You asked, voice cold. He didn't know you. Did he?

 “You usually wear nice clothes but when you're truly upset you lose sleep which makes you less inclined to have the strength to go through your usual morning routine so you wear more comfortable clothes when you're upset.

 “Youre wearing tights and a sweater now but you wouldn't be if you weren't upset. You cross your legs more when you're anxious and you look down more. Y/N/N I know you like the veins on my dick okay, I know when you're upset.” He joked and you barely scoffed.

You laughed a little and he smiled, though yours faded as soon as it came. You hated this because he was right. Down to a point.

 “He doesn't care because he's fake. He isn't here for you. You got my story all wrong. I love you. I haven't had sex with you but I know I’m in love with you. And when I see you with anyone else, it makes me want to wrap my hands around the other guys neck.”

 Wade was fuming but stressed at the same time.

“No.” You managed to sniff out. His eyes snapped to you.

“Wade you fucking ran away and left me. God, you did it years ago and I forgave you. I forgave you for the shit you put me through and I loved you. I was willing to marry you. . .” You trailed off, watching the breath catch in his throat as you uttered your words.  

 “But now I see how naïve I was.” You wiped your nose.

 “I'll break up with Loki because that part is true. And I’ll heal you, but only because I know how you need me, but I need you to leave.” You finished, sniffing. Mustering up all the strength you could, you kissed his cheek, allowing your powers to flow through to him.

 His hair regenerated as the hand you had placed on his cheek slowly dragged away.

“Goodbye.”

btw guys im gonna start tagging all this series with the tag #pretend for me, and #pfm8 or the number will vary depending on the part

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here