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emily-jared-zoe-benjamin-blog · 7 years

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TW: Abuse, rape, toxic houses, abelism, additction. text heavy post below the cut. Please read. Do not comment with anything that is unsupportive. x x x x x x x x x x I ususally dont have the energy or am too ashamed to tell people whats actually going on with me. It has felt very isolating and put me in a bad mental place for a long time. This time I am speaking out. It's hard for me to put this in words without being emotional. I have reached out to some folks in my community. I have direct support from members of MBAC, TWAC, NLG, SURJ. Three or four years ago, I and others started a rad community house to center marganilized folks. I have been the primary person holding down this house (as in emotional labor, physical labor, and financial labor). Awesome friends have lived here. So have alot of shitty, abusive assholes. I've been fucked over beyond anything I feel like going into. Things have deteriorated. The people I currently live with have worn me down to nothing and have turned the house into a toxic environment. They were all friends before moving in and reinforce and enable each others problematic behaviors. They are abelist and abusive. They aren't paying bills or rent. We are getting shut off notices everyday. One of my roommmates raped someone in the house and the rest have enabled this behavior thru appoligism and denial. JARED HUNSAKER BENJAMIN DONOLON AKA JOHN SMITH EMILY KAYE WARNER ZOE SNIK OR ZOE JENKINS TOXIC ENVIRONMENT Since this summer, I have consistently been woken up by rowdy partying every night from the hours of 3-9 AM. They will sleep or drink through the day. There is a culture of drug and alchohol use on a nightly and daily basis. Personally, I dont care what drugs people do as long as it does not negativly affect others in the house. That is the case here. The drugs they are using makes them highly aggressive. Often what wakes me up is barking dogs and sketchy-and-drunk, agro-white-cis dudes getting into fights or raising their voices. People and their dogs have literally stayed at the house for upwards of two months. Typically this is without discussion. Most of them have been physically violent and aggressive and verbally abusive. Most of them have been kicked out after multiple incidents of violence and agression. Most of these incidents arent communicated with other housemates. I finally find out once it's really bad that, oh, they knew this person was agro all along and had expierenced it. Many times these are people my roommates later claim to 'barely know' or just met. All are white cis dudes. I realize a lot of this behavior is deeply imbedded in their community. I have been in a constant state of exhaustion due to lack of sleep. I have chronic pain and I get exhausted everyday just from living and have explained this to them many times. It's disorienting being woken up from a deep REM sleep consistently. And I cant function/think. The last fucking noise I want to be woken up by is either a barking dog or the sound of a white cis dude who probably has dred locks. This is not a punk house. When I reached my limit and asked that we not host folks for a few weeks (especially white cis dudes) they did so anyways and lied to my face that no one was there (even when I saw them). I've also asked for specific people who have been agro not to be back at the house. This has also been ignored. When neighbors began coming to me, they finally took the noise seriously. ANON ROOMMATE - RAPE/ABUSE It is in this toxic culture that one of my roommates raped someone in the house. The entire house apparently knew/or was involved and didnt tell me, nor did they hold this person acocuntable. Why? Because they are denialists, appologists, and enablers. They shamed the survivor to their face as well as blamed them for the abuse because they both had drank. In addition, Emily screamed and violently reacted to the survivor when the survivor went to them for support. The rapist literally said things such as, "she is only saying I raped her because her feelings are hurt." They shit talked the survivor and said they were out to ruin them and not to trust them. These conversations took place in a Facebook chat which I am no longer in and copied and pasted to email form. *some screenshots included.. I reached the limit of pictures that could be posted, however, there is much more* I learned about the rape when rent was due (one month after the abuse) when the abuser didnt have money because he had to pay for part of the abortion. I immediatly reached out to the survivor and offered support. The survivor told me they reached out to everyone in the house to try to hold the abuser accountable and asked that I be told. No one in the house did that. I then sent a Facebook message to the entire house calling out the abuser and the other people's appoligist, enabling behaviors. I asked for accountability. I set up ground rules for this conversation and said I would end the conversation if they were broken (for example, no gaslighting, no survivor blaming, shaming, no aggressive personal attacks, etc). These rules were broken repeaditly as were boundaries the survivor set. They seriously triggered the survivor. I was unable to continue speaking with them because of how disguisting their comments were. I then reached out to the community for support. I arranged for a neutral mediator to meet with us in an effort to hold the abuser and others accountable. At first they were receptive. Then they never responded when the mediator reached out to them. We made more attempts and waited longer. Then said they refused to engage in mediation. I've made many efforts to hold them accountable within the house. This has failed. JARED HUNSAKER white cis male. Jared got in my face while I was in my chair, yelling when I asked him to be quiet at 4 am. He then refused to move out of my way and blocked my path and continued yelling at me until I came back out of my room to talk to him. He says that any request I have is either overreacting or petty. Usually, after I make a request to Emily (as the noise is coming from her room and I dont want to enter a room of people partying at 4 am, especially not after being attacked) for the entire group to be quiet, I will get a nasty text at 4 or 6 am from Jared saying "the whole house thinks it's time I move out" or calling me "petty." This has happened multiple times. Only two of those times are included. It's at a point where I know asking for them to respect basic boundaries or to do things around the house wont happen. I dont feel comfertable talking to them in person, so I have been talking to them over Facebook. At this point, I dont feel talking to them in any form will change anything. BENJAMIN DONLON AKA JOHN SMITH Benjamin is a poc cis male who recently moved here from Denver, Colorado. He used to organize and live at R2D2 and was briefly active in dont shoot. I found out that Benjamin basically fled Coloroado to escape accountability there. He was kicked out of his last house. Benjamin did not inform people in the house any of this information. I found out thru someone else in passing. When I asked him about this and for the name of the facilitator in Denver, he told me he was involved in a mutually abusive, co-dependant relationship where he was being mentally abused and he was physically violent. I asked him for the phone number of the facilitator of the process he went through. I asked four times. He never gave it to me. I thought it was a huge red flag that he didnt tell anyone about his past. I found the number myself. I learned that he was kicked out of a community house in Colorado for being violent towards other people and his former partner. He went through a process and was staying in the house. However, after that process, he chased his former partner into a room and she had to lock the door and trap herself in. He had punched walls before this and this time punched other folks trying to hold him back from punching the door more. It was at that time that he left Colorado. He has exibited the same behavior with me (chasing me into my room, yelling and banging the door down and trying to open it, refusing to leave). When he found out I spoke with the person in Denver, he became aggressive with me. Towering over me in my chair, yelling, blocking my path, hitting walls and counters, he accused me of "talking shit about him to people out of state" and then gaslit me, saying I never asked him for the phone number. Another time he did this to me, he ripped down a bill (in close proximity to my face and body, as I was literally in the act of putting up a shut off notice under the heat control when he ripped it down in my face). I told him to stop touching the heat unless he intended to pay, because it was about to be shut off. He then told me he would continue turning the heat on and to try to stop him (he hasn't paid bills since he moved in or paid full rent - as Emily told him this was okay). He began yelling at me and accusing me of stealing mail (???) and I quickly went into my room and held the door shut (my doors are french doors tied by a rope knot). He continued yelling and tried to break open the door. He left only when I blasted music to drown him out. Every encounter I have had with him since has been super aggressive. I later saw him and Zoe emptying the trash bins outside in apparent attempts to look for mail (?) it was gross and aggressive intimidation. He has harassed me while I was in the bathroom by yelling and threatening me (through a curtain door). He has waited outside my room in the dark for me to come out and mess with me on several occasions. EMILY WARNER: Emily works at Sam's Billiards as a cook (NE Sandy/42ndish). She's friends with people who party alot. She works most nights and parties afterwards until 9 am. Emily recently moved here from Michigan. I dont know where she meets her friends and would often later find out that she "doesn't know them" or just met them. She will also say that she doesnt know who's in her room and she isn't home when they are there. Both her and Zoe will say things are missing from their rooms all the time. Recently, Zoe has accused me of stealing from them, which is a baseless accusation; it clearly is the people they are bringing into the house. Emily has a pattern of abelism and creating conflict when asked to follow thru on basic promised responsibilities. Emily's dogs are dogs that bark at everything and destroy everything unless there are people around. They have been completly neglected. They almost never stop barking. Emily has barely been home these past few months. They may be cared for once a day if that. When she first moved in, she (like many before her) assumed that I would provide free animal care because I am disabled and at the house more than her. I told her after it was becoming apparent that I was not able to do this. She then paid others in the house to do this. My labor is always a free and exploited thing, of course. Then she stopped paying others and the dogs for months have been locked away in her room. Deficating and urinating in there and making a huge mess. They are so unhappy. Most of our conversations are about the dogs or being woken up. I have tried so many times, begging Emily to do something. The non-stop barking and wining every hour on a nightly basis is a nusance. She will say she is sorry and has done nothing to remedy this. She continues to neglect them or have the dogs in the presence of rowdy people and new dogs who rile them up. Others in the house have expressed the same sentiments. Emily generally has not followed thru on the things she has promised to do, and the same goes for most people in the house. Thus, house meetings continued to cover the same things that werent getting done until I finally told them that I refused to participate in house meetings. It was another drain on my labor to facilitate and plan the same meeting without follow through. So I did all the "to dos" and projects myself. Most of this involved physical labor, such as removing large objects, forming a gate, and cleaning the yard of large pallets and their party trash, clearing matresses, and so on. They did nothing to help. Finally, two months ago, I passed on the responsibility for paying rent and bills to Emily because I was at my breaking point. Most of the time people dont pay rent or bills. It's fucking not okay. I'm not a fucking bank. I exist on disability income while they all work/can work and spend their money on alchohol and molly. I've been dealing with this ontop of organizing and ontop of having almost zero will to exist. So Emily was taking our money and didn't pay any bills the entire time. If they took it, if they didnt have enough to cover bills, if they didn't communicate to us they need more money. I dont know and I dont care. I am facing shut off notices everyday and sadled with over $800 past due bills because of this. She continues to lie about paying them and does nothing. The bills she has said she paid are actually not paid. I have actual copies of the bills reflecting that as well as all her texts claiming that she paid them. She enabled the abuser by covering his rent and survivor-shamed by hiding the abuse from others in the house (along with other housemates). Last month, when rent was due, the money I gave her was missing. For 24 hours she wouldnt give me a straight answer as to where it was or if she had it. She strings me along saying things are paid and then I call the utilitiy the next day and find out she hasn't. This pattern has been going on for awhile and is exhausting. She will then spin elaborate stories to create conflict and to confuse the issue (not just about this, but everything). This is something all the folks in the house have been doing. They have been banding together to defend and enable an abuser and their own abusive behaviors. Sometimes I doubt my own reality. Lately I have been refusing to engage in their webs of lies. I've cut off all contact with them. ZOE SNIK- Zoe is someone I know from mutual friends in twac and also from shows. I had the most hope for them and am truelly sorry they are not seeing things clearly. They seemed somewhat supportive initially, but since I have taken action to kick Benjamin out of the house, they have been spreading actual lies about me online. They are best friends with Emily. They told me about the rape. When they did they did so, however, it was in a denialist way of shaming, dismissing, and denying the survivor's story. They and others said, "they were there" and thats not what happened. Or that the survivor was drunk at the time. After one or two initial conversations, Zoe refused to engage in further discussion about the abuse. Zoe has brought over many agro white cis dudes who have stayed for months. They continue to bring over folks who I specifically asked them not to, due to their aggressive behaviors toward me. These folks are always drunk when they are here. It makes me very uncomferable. They continued to bring groups of people over when specifically asked not to on a temporary basis because of how rowdy the house had been. I am the only one in this house who cleans or constantly picks up after the entire house and their beer cans, clearing other people's huge mattresses and yard couches. We havent had any spoons in the kitchen for many months. The past weeks, I've stopped cleaning up after them and no one did anything. During one telling incident (with past people), after we got an eviction notice, I cleaned the entire house and mowed the whole yard by myself as they sat on the porch smoking cigarettes. That literally happened. I've had to post desprate CraigsList ads. I trade my houseless friend weed in exhange for labor now. Recently Zoe dumped a moldy matreess that I specifically asked them not to dump in our yard/freepile, because I knew I'd be the one dealing with it, along with the others, right next to an actual no dumping sign that I made. After asking several times, I of course had to be the one to get rid of it. I empty the trash and do dishes. They virtually never contribute. I've explained how recylcing works a million times and im still having to sort thru our trash constantly because they don't care. With them having so many people over, I've never seen so much trash in the house. In the end, it is me dealing with it all and cleaning up after them all while being told that I'm being 'petty'. I maintain all the basics - I'm the sole person for years getting tiolet paper, soap, staple foods, ect. I have paid rent and bills and been in the constant state of being owed money. At times, two thosand dollars. It has taken me months to get repaid, only to have someone else not pay rent and me have to cover. Why is the one disabled person cleaning up after abelist messes? The air quality got so bad in here that the day has finally come. I am empyting bob myself (aka carrying up huge buckets of water from the basement upstairs). Fuck every last abelist bone in their body. Folks who support me have offered to help with this but asking someone to come do that seems like more time than it would for me to do it. This alone caused me alot of anxiety, then during this Emily felt entitled to take the dehumifier to her room. After spending days of trying to get outside help just to empty the thing, she has made it impossible. I texted her over the span of two days letting her know nicely that it needs to be returned, that it belongs to the house and I am having a real bad pain flare up because of her actions. First she didn't respond, then finally was snippy, and eventually moved it after the point where I lost my calm with her. Community members served a Restraining Order (RO) on Benjamin and are trying to find Jared. We went to great lengths to keep this within the community and not involve the police. If we did involve the police this would have been over already. Emily and Zoe will be evicted thru a community eviction. After serving an RO on Benjamin, both Zoe and Emily made posts on housing forums targetting me and attacking me for supporting survivors and making up lies about the situation. They have refused any accountability for their actions as to why they are being asked to leave. I am extremely worried about the past due bills that Emily has not paid on behalf of the house for months and making rent by April 1. I was planning on giving Zoe a second chance, despite their behaviors, because I saw hope in them working on this stuff. However, due to their lack of accountability and smear campaign against my name, that will no longer be the case.

#tw abuse #call out #emily warner #jared hunsaker #zoe snik #benjamin donolon #aka john smith #portland abusers #abuse #assault #rape #portland #community house

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soovaryit · 7 years

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I have to put my hands up and say that in general I am terrible at self-care. I'm definitely getting better, but when you've been in a negative mind-set for a long time, it is very difficult to recognize your own needs and when you're being self-destructive. The way you take care of yourself is going to be completely individual to you but I wanted to share some of my struggles and triumphs that probably a lot of people can relate to.

At the point in my life where my nutrition came solely from supernoodles and wine, I would have rolled my eyes at the concept of self-care and dismissed as self-indulgent bullshit. For a long time I would read self-care posts and the positivity and simplicity of them would make me angry. I find a lot of them so reductive (i.e. the ‘just love yourself!’ ones) and some verging on abelist, with strict exercise routines and diets being at the forefront of you supposedly making yourself feel better. I am 100% not discounting exercise as a way to make you feel better – it does. But there are lots of different ways to love and take care of yourself and for me, I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as clicking my fingers and changing my attitude or getting on a treadmill.

So anyway, the past few months I have been thinking about the importance of keeping yourself happy or at least stable by thinking about what you need from yourself and others. I could do a hundred posts on this and probably will. Firstly I’ll start with something I’ve always been guilty of doing – numbing. I’m gonna mention Brene Brown here (because I can’t go a day without talking about her). One of her great quotes from her talk on shame is ‘If you numb the negative, you numb the positive too’. And she is bang on about that.

Everybody does something to numb reality, whether it's drinking, drugs, obsessing over exercise, excessive shopping... there are literally so many things that we do to push negative feelings to the back of our minds. I wish I was one of the people who would exercise to do that but nope. Mine has pretty much always been alcohol. And don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol, and in moderation it can be totally fine and it didn’t used to affect me in that much of a negative way, but it does now and that was something I needed to address. I used to question why I was miserable and never really looked at my own behaviour. I thought I drank to feel better like everyone else and what was wrong with that? When you're on a variety of pain meds and hormonal treatment there is so much wrong with that. Everybody knows alcohol is a depressant. So when you have underlying feelings of depression that you try and cover it up using a depressant, shit will hit the fan at some point. It’s hard to not have a crutch for when you feel like you need to escape reality, but sometimes working through the shit you’re ignoring will actually make you feel better (once you get through the hell of doing it). I still drink but I’m trying to do so in extreme moderation, and more importantly only when I actually want to and not just to socialise. When I feel like I just want get off my face drunk, I can now identify its usually because I’m stressed and/or miserable, and something I find super useful is to make a list of good, healthy things you can do when you feel really low. Even if they don't make you feel better at the time, they will contribute to making you healthier and happier in the long run and can be your go-to’s instead of something you know will be damaging. Some days I roll my eyes at my own list and decide I can't be that person today but generally it gets me through. I’m not gonna put the whole list here but it’s pretty simple things i.e. replacing bingeing on sweets to bingeing on fruit (sometimes this actually works and its pretty much a miracle on my part). Also, simply preparing to feel terrible is part of my self-care routine (that sounds more bleak than its supposed to). For example, I started my period yesterday and it's the worst pain I've had in a loooong time. The feeling that I could pass out at any minute is back (literally get black spots in my eyes and spin out if I move too quickly), my legs are almost too heavy to move and it feels like there are hot, sharp knives stabbing my abdomen. It was vaguely manageable with nefopam and a coffee (do not recommend but I didn’t sleep well) in my system but after a hazardous food shop that involved me leaning against a wall for a number of minutes trying not to black out, 2 hours later I am back in bed, hot water bottle in hand, gritting my teeth.

The difference today is that I feel prepared for this mentally. This is the first month that I have ever felt that way, EVER. I used my amazing period app to track my cycle so I knew when this was coming. I made sure I had lots of healthy food in the house, not many plans for a few days and had enough painkillers. I also try and get washing and cleaning done and make sure I have enough money to get cabs if I need to. It sounds trivial but these simple, seemingly unimportant things can really help when you feel horrific and the smallest task seems unachievable.

In general, paying more attention to your own behaviour and thoughts will tell you a lot about the ways you can make yourself happier. I liked to ignore mine because it was easier. Drinking heavily didn't make me happy, getting involved in pointless situationships (big fan of that word) didn't and working 3 jobs at once definitely didn't, but rather than take a step back and think about it, I carried on until I burned out and would look for external sources of blame. I felt like it was easier that way and to be honest it was, but ultimately, it left me in a state.

In terms of relationships, both platonic and otherwise, I was guilty of putting others needs before mine as well as worrying about the impressions I was giving off, rather than how I actually felt in myself. You can't give anything to anyone when you're running on empty and will often end up making both your situations worse and more negative, so concentrating on your wellbeing first is super important. When people had suggested I think about my own behaviours and needs in the past I would think literally HOW?! my mind is like a never ending vortex of negative thought patterns that I can’t control. That’s where therapy is your beeest friend. It can be so so difficult to access therapy for many reasons and I appreciate that, but it’s usually worth the wait so try your best to stick with it or start the process if you haven’t. Anyone with a long term condition should absolutely have it because trust me it would have affected you in ways you didn’t think possible. Contact IAPT or Mind for more info on it.

Today I had my last counselling session with a wonderful lady that I have been seeing for the past few months. I equally dreaded and looked forward to each session and every week thought about how much easier it would be to stay at home. We would talk about difficult, upsetting and super personal problems in these sessions but nothing made me emotional until the last one, where she told me she had learnt a lot from me and could see the amount of strength I had from holding on to negative feelings for so long, and now seeing them as empowering.

It really took me by surprise that I didn't cry until she complimented me and said something positive, not only because I am a crier (anti-depressants kind of put a stop to that tho..), but because that to me revealed just how much of a negative opinion I have of myself. I found it easier to talk about difficult experiences and times when I had failed or felt worthless but couldn’t receive one compliment from someone who knew all the ��bad’ things about me without struggling to believe it. That seems ridiculous and just convinces me further how important it is to keep yourself happy and acknowledge your achievements.

If I had read this a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and thought it was stupid, because I was stuck in a destructive rut that was easy to be in. I never in a million years thought challenging my own behaviour and working through situations that made me feel uncomfortable, rather than avoiding them, would make me feel positive and empowered. I don’t necessarily have any solid tips for self care, neither do I want to be preachy and pretend that I’ve figured it out and wake up everyday feeling myself (I don’t). But I have learned to wholeheartedly respect myself, just as much as I would anyone else. I’m comfortable in being alone and value my body and my mind where before I absolutely hated them. I don’t exercise a tonne and I watch too much TV but ultimately, I like myself, and recognise that all I can do is improve at a pace that feels right and accept the bad days.

‘Loving yourself’ is difficult. It takes time, work, strength and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But you can start with paying attention your own behaviour and needs, as well as the behaviour of those closest to you (sometimes self-care involves cutting toxic people out so bear that in mind). Do what you need to do to feel at peace with yourself, and never let anyone put you down or make you feel weak for doing that, because it is crazy hard. Next post I’m gonna write a list of the super simple things I did to start feeling better but right now I have to eat a lot of chocolate and roll around in agony.

#endometriosis endometriosisawareness chronicpain chronicillness selfcare feminism femaleempowerment

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