#shoutout to people who never overcome their trauma and just become worse people and never find happiness

[tomwambsganshater]

ok actually mai zenin post sorry this is not structured in any way im just rotating her in my mind. also i moved yesterday n im very tired so it doesnt help

the thing abt mai is she's addicted to pain and failure and was fated to never escape from the beginning. shes the bug in the system, the unneeded one who prevented maki from reaching her full potential and escaping. she's always known it'd end with her death, that any meaningful change had to involve her death, that every minute she lived was selfish and stolen from her sister bc in truth she shouldnt have been born. but well she's weak, only ever strong enough to realize just how weak she is, blessed with yorozu's incredibly strong CT but with so little cursed energy she can at best conjure one ridiculous bullet a day, as opposed to maki who was always strong enough to either break down or ignore any obstacle, who wasn't terrified of every cursed spirit they saw. and she doesn't want to confront her selfishness bc while maki wants a better life, dignity, freedom, respect etc all mai wants is to be with her. bc well when you're raised in the horror house with your cousin who constantly talks abt making you his wife and everyone who acts like your purpose in life is to marry someone in the clan to further the bloodline and sometimes your father looks at you like he wants you dead and you feel like he could do it on a bad day you're gonna look at your sister who's joining the men's trainings and organizations and is the only person who treats you decently and protects you and think well if there's someone I have to marry in this hellhole I want it to be her. and you grow up and you realize it's unrealistic and fucked up and that even the whole clan marriage thing is fucked up from the outside but your feelings don't change bc no matter how much you hate it you're a zenin and this house's print on you is indelible. and eventually your sister leaves you and it feels like a giant betrayal, that you weren't enough for her to be happy when she was enough for you. and you get out too and you make normal friends but you're still a zenin and it feels wrong to live without that constant weight on your back and you don't really know if you hate your sister or love her anymore and it's probably both. and then sister school event and there's nobara saying your upbringing doesn't matter, you're a bad person and a bitch and maki had the same childhood and yet turned out fine so its your fault youre that way. and you hate her and how close she seems to be to maki bc yet another way you're left behind and replaced for smth better, healthier, normal. and it's good for her but you're incapable of moving on or being any of these things. and it's like well is she right is it your fault? is it your fault that you're too weak and can't overcome the zenin? That you dont try to fight them? Is it your fault that you're not maki, that you're inferior to her in every way? Where does personal responsibility end and where does social conditioning begin? Is it your fault that you're unlikable fucked up selfish incapable of dealing with your feelings and and that it's inseparable from the zenin upbringing? You're a bad victim you don't fight back and you absorb everything toxic abt that house and spit it back onto unrelated people. and in the end you die miserably, predictably, inside the zenin house by your father's hand finally fulfilling your destiny of disappearing to allow your sister to make some change. and you might have never been happy or free but all your repressed anger and terror at everybody who lives inside your fucked up house has to go somewhere and you put it all into your last wish, a final curse to your sister who's gonna have to deal with your mass murder desire. selfish and powerless and a freak to the end but you got the last word