#since Draft is more spider like I think he has that spider trait where he can't get wet

[spiderlandry]

honest — lo'ak sully

Description: Lo'ak has been preparing a courting gift for you, but you find out before he can even practice what he'll say. So why have you kept quiet about it?

Pairing: Lo'ak te Suli Tsyeyk'itan x GN!Reader (Na'vi)

Warnings/tags: mostly fluff, jumps around between POVs, courting practices/traditions that i'm not sure is accurate, takes place in the future, au where the events of atwow never happened, small death mention? not edited or proofread sorry

Word Count: 2.1k

Author's note: first time writing for avatar, my obsession has been rekindled since i rewatched both movies so it's going to be everyone's problem. this has been in the drafts for a while and i wanted to edit it but i don't think i ever will

Jake Sully had realized early into his training with Neytiri that a prominent trait of the Na’vi is that they don’t lie. He chalked up her bluntness as a dislike for sky people, and though it was true to some extent, it was also because the concept of lying was almost foreign. Not in their nature. There are no reasons to lie in their books.

Until, of course, time passed.

A new generation emerged that learned to lie a human way. It likely began shortly after the arrival of the Sky People, the destruction of their home along with it. He couldn’t blame them.

Now, as the people have reclaimed the forest, Jake couldn’t help but notice that his children were liars. It started with his oldest lying to get out of training, and it trickled down slowly until he finally realized that Tuk began to feign sickness so she can be pampered.

It’s mostly harmless. Amusing, almost.

But not when it interferes with training, no. Because time and time again he has told his youngest son that it will cost him people’s lives. And just when he thinks Lo’ak is honing his focus, something pulls him away. A cocky attitude, a good idea horribly executed, anything of the sort.

But this time? The Olo’eyktan can’t figure it out.

This is the third time Lo’ak has gone off and ditched training an hour early. Neteyam always covers.

The next day, Jake approaches Lo’ak after dinnertime, before everyone has gone to sleep. The son sits on a log and the father takes the place beside him.

“You’re off your game.” Jake isn’t accusatory, not mad, but he states it as a fact.

Lo’ak can’t look into his father’s eyes. “Sorry, sir.”

The man sighs, breaking down the barrier he had built between him and his own. “Don’t call me sir when we’re not on the field.”

Lo’ak is quiet.

“Why are you off your game?”

“I’ll work on it.”

“Did I ask what you were gonna do about it?”

“You asked why.”

“And?”

Jake doesn’t expect it. Not so bluntly, at least. “I’m preparing a courting gift.”

A smile makes its way onto his face. “Is it for Y/N?”

The boy’s head snaps up at him, “No way,” he shakes his head. “Did Neteyam tell you? When I get my hands on—“

This pulls a laugh out of Jake. “Nobody had to tell me. Hell, your mother probably knew before me.”

“I just want to make sure it’s perfect, okay?”

-

Neytiri watches you interact with her children from afar—the way you let Tuk pull on your tail, how Kiri and Spider smile from atop a branch, Neteyam even going along with the game you invented. Lo’ak sits on the sidelines and watches with an adoration in his eyes she’d never seen until you were introduced to the Sully kids long ago.

It’s almost time for your training. But she lets you hold that time a bit more when she sees how closely you watch for her youngest son even when he sits this one out.

It’s not long until you’re pulled away by Mo’at to practice healing. You spend time with the other healers, shadowing them and watching them work.

Neytiri is showing you a more efficient way to mix paste when she remembers a conversation she had, days ago, with her Jake.

“Lo’ak is preparing to court Y/N.”

From the affections that have seemingly grown between you and her youngest son, she deduced a simple, irrefutable fact: Lo’ak has begun the process of courting you. That would also explain his comings and goings at odd times of day.

“You must be very happy, Y/N.” She cleans up the table, while she watches you recall the motions she performed earlier with the paste.

You hum in agreement.

“Are you excited?”

This doesn’t even remotely catch you off guard, too focused on the task. So you mutter, “for what?”

“That Lo’ak has decided to court you. You seem happy with him.”

You falter—this moment is not lost on Neytiri.

But she’s relieved when you say, almost breathless, “Yeah, yeah, I am.”

-

Neteyam is the witness to a trainweck about to happen.

Something has definitely shifted. Not just the past few days, but ever since Lo’ak first told him about the gifts he has prepared for you.

Weeks ago.

The first few days of comings and goings, Neteyam excused him. But it has been weeks since he’s finished his gifts, and the only thing holding Lo’ak back is himself. Neteyam has been hyping up his brother to give them to you, even making sure that you would get some time alone together despite how busy it is for hunting season, but Lo’ak never takes the plunge.

You and Neteyam are close, no one can deny that. He’s felt a sense of duty to protect you ever since you became part of the family, and more so now that you might actually be officially a Sully once you and Lo’ak become real. He’d be lying if he said he’s not excited at the thought of you being able to hang around and attend family gatherings without feeling like you’re intruding, something you opened up to him about.

Obviously, he knows about your affections for his brother. But it seems you are clueless to Lo’ak’s subtle advances, and he is sick of him moping around because of it.

At night, when the family is cleaning up after eating, they are all chatting around the fire and Neteyam calmly observes the scene, eating yovo fruit.

But their mother says something that puts this entire situation into a crescendo.

“They are quite smitten with you.” She says it as an offhanded comment, and his brother doesn’t respond at first, too focused on tidying up.

But Lo’ak hums. “Who?“

She almost laughs. Neteyam’s eyes widen as it dawns on him that something is about go go very, very wrong.

“Y/N, of course. Who else?”

Lo’ak’s head snaps up in surprise. “Really?” His tail swishes around, unable to contain his excitement.

Okay, maybe it won’t be so bad, Neteyam thinks.

“They are certainly happy that you’ve decided to court them.”

Oh.

Oh no.

Before Neteyam can stop this (and deep down, he knows it’s too late), Lo’ak’s eyes narrow, tail dropping to the ground with a thump, ears dropping.

“I haven’t even told them yet.”

At this, the entire family falls quiet. Spider and Kiri have stopped talking (even if only in hushed whispers), Neteyam stops chewing, hell—Tuk has stopped talking to their father, who is the last to notice the quiet.

Jake observes the situation.

“Dad,” Lo’ak catches his attention. “Did you tell them about the gift? Is it because I’m skipping on training? ‘Cause—“

“Woah, hey,” Jake holds his hand up to stop him. Neteyam can read his brother unraveling, his tail between his legs and ears flicking in panic. “Slow down.”

Lo’ak breathes.

“I didn’t tell anybody, okay?”

That’s when he turns around, facing Neteyam.

“Was it you? Did you say something?” Though Lo'ak is cautious to make accusations, the older brother can tell it’s at the tip of his tongue.

But their mother interrupts, thankfully.

“Lo’ak,” she says gently. “I did not realize they didn’t know. It’s my mistake.”

The youngest son slowly faces her. “What—what did they say?”

“That they are happy.“

“Nothing else?”

She shakes her head.

-

Lo’ak has been enamoured by your presence since he was little.

He remembers vividly how you showed up at his family’s tent with an offering of fruits you gathered yourself, as a thank you to the Olo’eyktan for saving your father from a brush with death during hunting. You were both just nine then, wide-eyed and less weathered by the world and its tragic circumstances.

And for years, he grew closer to you, though keeping a distance because that’s what he needed to accept any capacity you’ll grant, even if it was just close friendship.

But as the years passed, the both of you maturing alongside each other, attending the most important rites of passage and ceremonies (he can still hear how loud you cheered once he tamed his ikran), he has found himself almost unable to hold back how he feels. He realized that he didn’t have much time left to court you when all of a sudden you had different people—some of his friends, too—in the clan asking to court you after you’d completed Uniltaron.

He got to work immediately, skipping out on training and having his brother cover for him when he didn’t show to join the hunting party even when Jake insisted. He made himself unavailable just to dedicate his time into impressing you. He learned under one of the most skilled jewelry-makers in the clan to ensure it met the standards for a proper courting gift—he needed you to know he cared.

But as he stumbles out of his family’s kelku, eyes immediately scanning for yours, he thinks he must have fucked up somehow. You found out about his courting gift before he could even say a word to you about it. And you haven’t said anything to him since then, that means you don’t return his feelings…right?

If he were in your situation and found out you were preparing to court him, he would have ran to you right away, saying yes to your proposal. You’ve been quiet. Maybe you’re deciding how to turn him down gently. Eywa, must this really happen?

When you’re nowhere to find in your family’s kelku, your sister mentions that you haven’t been home since eclipse.

He finds you exactly where he expects you to be, just like every time you have needed space. You’re alone up on a branch, secluded by trees in the outskirts, but he can see your shadow just enough against the indigo sky.

He climbs.

As he reaches the thick branch, you’re already looking at him with a slight upturn of your lips.

A smile is good, right? At least you don’t hate him. You would have pushed him off by now if you did.

He perches himself close to the trunk, a few inches from you.

“Where have you been?” He asks when you don’t say anything upon his arrival.

You turn to him. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Fair,” He hauls himself up to sit next to you, returning the smile. “Are you going to answer, though?”

“No.”

No? No?!

Lo’ak’s smug demeanor falters, ears flat against his skull, and you could probably tell judging by the way you hold back a snicker.

“Is it…” He struggles to find the words when you’re looking at him like that. “Is it true that my mother told you?”

“Told me what?”

He fights the urge to make a remark, because he can tell you’re playing with him. You clearly know what he’s alluding to, yet you refuse.

“You know what.” He adds flatly.

“I do not.”

Eywa.

He chose you, after all. He needs to own it. Regardless of how you’ll turn him down.

“That I plan to court you. If—if you allow me to.”

He is certain his heart stops beating when you take his hand, smoothing your palm over his before clasping them together. The warmth travels throughout his body.

“On one condition.”

“Anything, I’ll do anything—” He doesn’t even care if it makes him sound desperate. “I will.”

“You should not care if your courting gifts are perfect,” You mutter, losing a little bit of confidence and Lo’ak realizes your eyes have a sheen to them. “I think you are already perfect. I see you, Lo’ak.”

This is the moment he realizes that, as much as you’ve held his heart in your hands, he has held yours.

“I see you, yawne.”

[purplesurveys]

302

Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? 32C. That’s 90F. I start bitching at 30C, and flat out refuse to walk outside by 32. In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? Oh man. First major change is that it is definitely gonna be different priority-wise. I would be a college junior applying for an internship at some company, which means by then I should already have an idea about what I want to do and where I want to be (because at this point, I still don’t). Second, I’d be extra busy with acads and by that time I would be swamped with only journalism majors. Lastly, I would most likely also be president of the internals affairs committee of my organization, meaning my work now would be doubled or tripled. 

You’ve got me scared, buddy. How often do you travel outside of the state/province you live in? I mean technically I live right on the edge of my region, and I drive everyday to the region/province next door.  What's a hobby you used to have, but don't anymore? Ice skating and roller-blading. What was the best part of your day yesterday? I guess just the fact that I was able to relax. I was finally able to watch Kitchen Nightmares yesterday which I never get to do, and also an episode of Black Mirror. I managed to read some of my readings as well so I’m glad I was able to do both the things I needed to do and wanted to do.

What has been your favorite job you've had so far? I’ve never had a job. Do you still live in your hometown? Not anymore. I moved from Manila to Antipolo when I was three. What's your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Sour cream, because...you know...mayonnaise. Are you polite towards others? That’s a given. If I’m not civil towards someone I could at least be polite. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? My parents wash it by hand. I can never take it to a car wash since I’m always headed somewhere with my car. What is/was your least favorite school subject, and why? I hated art because I never had any visual skills or creativity whatsoever. It just wasn’t my strength. It was a good thing they only kept it as a primary school class; I was out of art classes by Grade 4, but Grades 1-3 drove me insane. Are you afraid of spiders? No but that’s because the spiders here are not as large and don’t have legs as creepy as the ones in the States or Australia or anywhere spiders get a bad rep. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? Yeah we have dumbbells and a rowing thingy that my mom uses. Where is the farthest north you've traveled to? Busan, South Korea. Farthest south? Bali, Indonesia. East? Fukuoka, Japan.  West? Singapore and Johor in Malaysia. If you have/want children, will you raise them similar to the way you were raised? I will raise them the polar opposite of how I was raised. I will use the way I was treated as the very basis as to how I will treat my kids just because I was raised so horribly that I know exactly what to avoid from there. How often do you run the dishwasher? We don’t have a dishwasher. Did you ever go to summer camp when you were a kid? No, I was too shy to meet anyone else beyond my neighbors. Do you wash your face at the sink or in the shower? Sink. Name a stereotype about your gender that you don't fit. Meh I don’t like reinforcing stereotypes. Name a stereotype about your age that you don't fit. Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? My mom has a collection of chef figurines that’s kept in a glass cabinet, since my dad works as an executive chef. That’s weird for anyone who first steps inside the house, but the collection has been growing since I was 4. What year were you born in? 1998. How many exes do you have? I have one but I usually don’t count her anymore because I took her back anyway. Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I don’t think so. You’d think by being a chef, my dad would want every kitchen appliance that exists lmao but no. He sticks to the basics. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Both of them took up hotel and restaurant management. Fact: Gabie’s dad also took up HRM and he was SO CLOSE to being my mom’s classmate. He was just a college year younger (when mom was a senior, he was a junior), but they were in the same school in the same period. I don’t know how one ended up graduating earlier than another, because they were both born in 1971. But it’s even weirder that it’s 100% possible that their paths crossed at least once. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. I hate the idea of working in a hotel. I hate people.

Have you ever been on a motorcycle? Never been. What is the highest level math class you've completed? Calculus in Year IV in high school. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? I don’t know how to ride a bike. How old were you when you learned how to swim? As early as I can remember. My family loved swimming trips before. How do you react when someone is rude to you? Give them a shot of my own, clearly. Out of everything you're wearing, which piece of clothing is your favorite? This black tank top I have on looks really good on me. Do you follow fashion trends, or just wear whatever you happen to like? I do a little bit of both. Do you live in a city, suburb, or a rural area? City. What's your favorite breed of dog? I accept every dog breed except pugs and chihuahuas. Are you more rational or imaginative? Rational. Have you ever had a friend who was too clingy? I know someone who is very clingy, but I don’t count them as a friend precisely because I find them too clingy and it takes me at least months to be fully comfortable with someone. Do you prefer riding on wooden roller coasters, or steel roller coasters? I hate roller coasters. What is your least favorite kind of weather? Sunny. Summer weather. How did you celebrate your last birthday? I treated my high school friends to dinner because back then they were still my only group of friends. Think back to when you first met your significant other (or ex). Was your first impression of them accurate? Hahaha yeah still holds. Gab was every bit sophisticated and first-class as I had thought. Is there anything other than keys on your keyring? Nope. I had a UP keychain on it once but it fell out. After that I stopped placing anything on my keyring. Do you have an ebook reader? (iPad, Kindle, etc.) I have an iPad but I raaarely use it these days. What is your most noticeable personality trait? That I’m shy. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Typhoons, floods, landslides. Which of your family members do you resemble the most? My mom. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? I hate summer because I always feel hot and sticky and slimy. And being in a city, you have to travel for to get to the closest beach. It’s the worst. Do you have a Netflix account? Dude. I ditched this survey just to finally sign up for Netflix because I’ve been putting it off for months. I saved this survey in my drafts for the rest of the day since I got fixated on Netflix lmao. So yeah, I guess I can say I do have an account now. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? We don’t have an attic. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation? My family keeps it different each time. How long does it take to get there? Usually hours for every place. Who knows you better than anyone else? Angela and my girlfriend. When you're angry with someone, do you lash out, or keep yourself under control? I tend to do both. My borderline likes to surprise me every time. When was the last time you started a "new chapter" of your life? September, when I joined my current org. Is your hair long enough to tuck under your armpits? Yup. Weird question. What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? My parents’. What is the last random act of kindness you did? I sent a comforting message to an old high school batchmate when I saw that her tweets weren’t sounding too dandy. We don’t talk a lot, not even in high school, but maintain a mutual friendship on Twitter, so I thought it would be nice to check up on her and let her know there is at least one person that gives a crap. Are you more of a girly girl or a tomboy? Girly girl, I’m guessing? Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? Yeah I limit my aircon use and also keep the lights in my bedroom closed all the time. And last but not least, what is your name? Robyn.

[despairforme]

What drew you to nnoitra? I would love to know what it is that attracted you to his character and made you choose him as a muse, since you always speak of your love for him c:

     [ BLESS YOU ANON THIS IS THE BEST OOC QUESTION TO RECEIVE! I never get tired of talking about Nnoitra and how much I love him. I guess that’s what it’s like being passionate about someone or something? Anyways! Lemme talk about Nnoitra!

     I must confess, that when I first watched Bleach, I didn’t pay much attention to Nnoitra. My favourite characters were Gin and Mayuri, and Byakuya. But then, in April 2013, I drew Nnoitra. I don’t remember why I did that ( and the drawing was so bad i cry ), but THAT was when I started loving him. Drawing him gave me inspiration. I had literally found my MUSE. ( muse, noun, definition: a person or personified force who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist. ). After I started drawing Nnoitra, I got more inspired to do different poses, and to just generally draw more. Drawing him came ‘ easy ‘ to me. I never had to feel like I was ‘ uninspired ‘ to draw. By drawing more, I ended up improving a lot, which helped my confidence a lot. Since drawing Nnoitra had become such an important thing for my overall creativity, it was only natural that I wanted to know more about him, as a character. So when I rewatched Bleach, he was my main focus, and this time around, since I paid so much attention to him, I got a grip of his character, and since I’ve always had a thing for ‘ villains ‘, I ended up adoring him. He became my all-time favourite character.

     Then, I started roleplaying on tumblr. I was in the One Piece fandom for about a year, but I always wanted to roleplay Nnoitra. However, the Bleach fandom looked really intimidating to me, and since I was so new to rping in general, I didn’t know how to go about changing fandoms. Finally, I decided to make my Nnoitra roleplay blog, but since all my rp partners were in the One Piece fandom, I gave Nnoitra a One Piece verse, with no intentions of bringing him into a Bleach setting.

     Just like drawing Nnoitra had boosted my creativity, writing him did too. Actually, writing him had a much greater impact on pretty much my whole life. I used to be really insecure, and scared of approaching people, but when Nnoitra became my muse, I didn’t feel like this anymore. I didn’t question whether or not I was doing a good job with the muse or wonder if people wanted to interact with me or not. I was just at ease. Not only that, but I had SO much fun. Doing drafts wasn’t a struggle anymore, and I literally got up at 5:55 every day to get to write with some of my favourite partners ( timezones yo ), just because I was having such a great time with Nnoitra ( I had rped with the same partners on my previous blogs ). Rping had always been ‘ fun ‘, sure, but not like this.

     Then came the whole ride with making the modern!AU for him, where I got a lot of creative liberty, and, of course, coming up with all the little quirks and details about his backstory was a blast. It was easy too, because Nnoitra is so inspiring to me.

     With Nnoitra, I have been allowed to meet so many great people, and write good threads that have developed my writing skills. I never would’ve had such a good time if I was writing another muse. There is no other character who can be for me what Nnoitra is. Literally - MY MUSE.

     Now, I’ve been writing him for about three years, which doesn’t sound like much ( I know people who have been with their characters for like 10 years? ), but considering how much I’ve been writing, I dare say I know him really well by now. There was a time when I wrote 55k words per month. I would love to do that now too, but I can’t. Which brings me to the next thing -

     My health is not good. I have a very rare illness that gives me a lot of pain, especially in my fingers and right wrist. This, of course, means that I can draw less, and write less than I used to. But, since Nnoitra is such an important person to me, I always push myself a little harder so that I can give him some attention ( I try to do a little bit every day ). Not just because he deserves it, but because writing him is my favourite thing in the whole world. It’s not just a ‘ hobby ‘, but it’s a way for me to feel like I’m doing something I’m good at. To feel accomplished and happy. I also feel like I have a ‘ purpose ‘, if that makes sense. Without me, there would be nobody to write my Nnoitra. Because I’ve worked so closely with him these past three years, I feel like he deserves a life. I, myself, don’t really have much of a ‘ life ‘, since I’m sick, have no real life friends and can’t get a job. So, I really want to see how Nnoitra’s life progresses. His life is pretty much the only thing I’m ‘ creating ‘ ( I’ve always loved making things, like stories or drawings ). Without Nnoitra I would feel totally useless.

     So, Nnoitra has given me inspiration, creativity, motivation, confidence, friends, a purpose. Like, if I have a really bad pain day and I don’t even wanna get out of bed, I’m like: come on toby at least give Nnoitra some love, he deserves it. Another VERY important thing that he has given me is gratitude. Because of my illness, it’s easy to think that life sucks and that it’s unfair or whatever, but because I have Nnoitra, an actual muse - a source of inspiration, a life, I feel LUCKY. I feel blessed. I have no right to complain when I have such an amazing character with me. So basically, Nnoitra allows me to stay positive, even on bad days.

     I also wanna make a quick note about how many FRIENDS Nnoitra has given me. Without the confidence that he gives me, I would’ve been missing out on so much. I never feel stressed out about popping into people’s askboxes or chatting them up on IMs/Skype. Nnoitra is my ‘ safe place ‘, so there is nothing for me to be scared of. I don’t have any real life friends, so my online friends mean a lot to me. I’m so glad that I’m a confident roleplayer. This has also given me a lot more interactions than I would’ve gotten if I had been too scared to approach ( maybe the ship with Lexie’s Grimmjow never would’ve happened ). 

     How much he has done for me isn’t the only reason why I love him though. I also love every single thing about his character. I love his looks. I love that he’s skinny and tall ( I’ve always loved bones and visible veins ). I love his long, straight black hair that perfectly frames his face. I love his sharp chin and HUGE teeth that makes him look like a fucking piano when he grins. I love the fact that he only has one eye. I love the design of his canon uniform, and especially his high-heeled boots. I love Santa Teresa. I love how pale he is. I love how he wears bracelets around those skinny wrists.

     Then, his personality. I love the fact that he’s suicidal, but doesn’t kill himself. I relate to the fact that he’s depressed. Him being sexist makes him even more interesting, since it’s a trait that’s pretty rare in characters (especially ocs, I find). I love his accent ( even if I gave it to him, mostly ). I love how ‘ simple ‘ he is when it comes to certain things, and how badly he feels that he’ unloveable. I love (and relate) to how he feels like a failure in everything but one thing (in his human!au anyway). I love how DEDICATED he is to Grimmjow, and how important it is for him to be recognized and appreciated. To me, he is a deep character with several aspects. I don’t like it when people call my Nnoitra ‘ the depressed one ‘, or ‘ the despairing one ‘. There is more to him than that. He has good days. He has ambitions. He had dreams and nightmares. He’s got silly quirks ( being allergic to bugspray, loving watermelon, having a fidget spinner, etc ). Calling him ‘ the depressed one ‘ kind of undermines the effort I’ve made to build a character. Speaking of -

     I also love what I have made him. I don’t think my Nnoitra is ‘ ooc ‘ at all, and I won’t have my portrayal questioned. I write a good Nnoitra, I’m not afraid to say that. I put as much effort into him as I’m physically able to. I see people throw around the word ‘ love ‘ a lot. I don’t have many things in my life that I truly love. The only people on that list are my family members, and Nnoitra. 

     Maybe some think it’s ‘ sad ‘ that writing Nnoitra is my life. But, I don’t think so. Like I said - I feel blessed. I don’t think it’s given that an artist ( if one can call me that ) or an author ( can I even be called that… ) even finds their real muse ( as in, the definition of it ). So of course I feel lucky to have been blessed with Nnoitra. I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I wouldn’t trade the hours I’ve spend working on him for anything. 

     I love him so much. Everything that reminds me of him makes me happy. For example, when my mother asks me if I can give her a spoon, I laugh and go; HELL YEAH, SPOONS ARE THE SUPERIOR CUTLERY! I take care of insects and spiders ( and I forbid anyone in the family to kill any ), because Nnoitra is a mantis. I have SO much Nnoitra art in my room ( all drawn by me, how lame ), and the bleach cover where Nnoitra appears is placed right above my computer, so that I can look at it all the time. When I watch a movie and a character says something that Nnoitra would say, I go: Nnoitra, it’s you! I always pick five of everything. The fifth seat in the cinema, on the fifth row, for example. Even our address is ‘ nr 5 ‘. I go out at night if there is a pretty moon, because Nnoitra loves the stars and the moon. Oh, and I have a moon lamp in my room too! If there is something new on the Nnoitra tag on tumblr, or new art of him on deviantart or pixiv, that literally makes my day. Nnoitra is MY ENTIRE WORLD.

     So, since he is my life, what will happen when I lose the muse? Seems like that happens to a lot of rp-blogs, right? Well, it’s not going to happen to me. Because Nnoitra IS my inspiration. I don’t have to be inspired to write him, I get inspired by writing him. He doesn’t TAKE AWAY motivation from me, he gives me motivation. I wouldn’t say I ‘ chose him ‘ as a muse. It’s stupid to say that he chose me, but - we were introduced to each other by mere chance. Just because I was sketching some random bleach characters one day! Who would’ve known that my life would change from that. I know I say I love Nnoitra on a lot of my posts, and that’s because I really do. I want to share my love for him and show him off. Because I am proud of him, and he is everything to me. 

     … Talking about him like this makes me emotional— aaaaaaaaa. Anyway, thank you so much for this question anon! I always enjoy talking about Nnoitra. I could talk about him for days. Talking about him makes me happy! I will continue to post stuff about how much I love him. So yes, thank you anon! ]

[iamsoneurotic]

Hey Milo! You Five! And other stuff...

So we’re weeks out from baby #3 being born… I’ve hardly written a single update about this pregnancy because oddly enough it’s really, really hard to find time to write absurdly long posts when you’ve got two little boys and a pregnant wife.

Oh who am I kidding, I’m just really lazy. But having kids is such a good excuse to not do things that I can’t help but use it every chance I get. Now if only I had a decent excuse to get a minute alone from the boys I’d be in business! I kid… but let’s not pretend that it isn’t the worst thing in the world to wake up to a toddler screaming at you to play legos upstairs. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE playing with Legos and I love playing with my kids, but I love not moving in the morning more. We’ve got a rule in the house: Mommy and Daddy don’t play until after they’ve had their coffee in the morning. Needless to say I sip mine VERY slowly.

Rachael and I are not morning people. Milo and Noli inherited that trait from us, but unfortunately they also inherited my stubbornness - so they just refuse to sleep in. Yeah, I know all kids wake up early and are miserable, but Noli literally wakes up growling and Milo always wakes up yelling “HEY!” like he dreamt about some goblin flicking him in the nose and then woke up too soon to flick him back. That’s what I imagine happens anyway. If they’re so mad about being awake, why not just stop being awake?? It’s not that hard, I do it all the time!

But whatever. They come out of their rooms, they fight over a lego, I pathetically and ineffectively shout at them from my recliner downstairs and then I drink my coffee and secretly daydream about drowning to death in it. Mornings with the Marianelli’s are a good old time. Even the unborn one wakes up cranky, he just awakens when Rachael is going to bed and kicks her in the ribs like a savage. Crap, I just realized I never posted his gender - well if you haven’t figured it out yet, he’s a boy. If anything I’m consistent.

We had the sonogram a week after my last post and boy oh boy the boy wasn’t shy about being a boy. Have I said boy enough yet? I know a sonogram isn’t actually a camera with a lens, but I swear, the moment they turned that device on he practically slapped it against the screen. No subtlety whatsoever.

There’s this awkward moment during a gender reveal where both parents are secretly hoping for different results (by secretly I mean me, Rachael was quite vocal about her hopes) - it’s like when you’re playing a board game with people and it’s maybe 10 rounds in and that competitiveness is starting to rear its ugly head and the laughter is becoming more and more forced with every round - and then you win for like, the 5th time in a row and you’re not quite sure what emotion to express so you just sort of downplay your own victory as dumb luck, but now everybody feels insulted that you’re pitying them… Yeah, that’s what it’s like to find out you’re having a third boy.

But for real, it’s better this way and we all know it.

I can’t tell if the sound of my voice makes the little stinker agitated or happy. He usually starts moving a lot when I talk to him (yeah I know, they can be startled by sound and it’s not technically me specifically that he’s responding to - but let me have this!), I think my proudest moment was when I placed my hand on Rachael’s belly and said “HIGH FIVE!” and he totally kicked my hand. He also likes to kick me in the head when I try listening to his heartbeat… They say you’re supposed to be able to hear the heartbeat without a stethoscope but I’m three kids in and it’s NEVER happened! I do, however, hear a lot of digestive sounds that I wish I could un-hear.

This pregnancy gives me a lot of memories of when Milo was still in the womb and he would stop Rachael dead in her tracks by roundhouse kicking her in the side. This little guy might actually be worse. There were a couple of weeks in the Autumn where we were convinced he was actually kicking Rachael in the spine. It would send shockwaves up her back and every time it happened I thought she either saw a giant spider or suffered an aneurysm. I’m not saying I wished for the latter, but I really hate spiders… Don’t judge me.

We’ve been trying to prepare Noli for the baby’s arrival. He can get pretty jealous. My brother came home one day with puppies and Noli got really sad that we were giving the puppies so much attention. It broke my heart a little. He’s a really sensitive kid - it’s a good quality, but it can be difficult. I have to discipline him almost entirely differently from how I discipline Milo because of it. To be honest I still don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to that with him. Some days I think I’ve cracked the code, but then the next day it’s an entirely different ball game. He’s been a little grumpy lately and we haven’t really figured out why outside of “Terrible 3’s” (terrible 2′s is a myth, 3′s suck).

I used to think I knew what a tantrum was… I was so wrong. On Christmas Eve Noli threw the most epic tantrum I have ever witnessed in the history parenting. It’s mostly a blur at this point, but it started when I tried making him put on a pair of pants after his bath and it ended with a full-on UFC-style showdown where I was literally grappling him on the floor so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. I ended up tapping out because nothing was working - Rachael finally managed to defuse the entire situation by simply pulling an ice-tray out of the freezer and showing it to him. Yup. Problem solved. All the shouting, bribing, begging, grappling and crying did absolutely nothing - a boring inanimate object from a mini-fridge tamed the beast. How Rachael thought to walk past a playroom full of toys and grab an unused ice-tray will forever be a mystery to me. Since being pregnant the girl can barely remember her own name, yet she knew exactly how to deal with a situation that neither of us had experienced - motherly instinct is truly the 8th wonder of the world.

All tantrums aside, Noli cracks me up. He’s making up his own superheroes now. His latest evil creation is “Play-Doh Butt”. His superpower? He shoots pink legos out of his butt. I’ve also learned a number of other characteristics that I wish I could forget. He’s apparently blue, wears no clothes, has no hair (anywhere) and is little. He’s straight out of a nightmare. There’s another superhero he’s working on that’s less fleshed out, and I truly hope it remains that way because I don’t need nor want any other details. His name is “Tater Tutt” and, in Noli’s own words, “he shoots poo-poo out of his hands at all the happy people”... I think that makes him a villain, but I’m not sure Noli sees the lack of virtue in flinging your poop at happy people. I’m sure there’s somebody out there who would derive joy from that experience, but it’s certainly not anybody I want hanging around my 3 year old.

I can’t bring myself to discourage his progressive line of superheroes, they’re more creative than anything I came up with at that age - my greatest childhood achievement was creating a superhero who controlled fire, and I named him “Flamer”. Just failure all around. One of these days I’ll get around to asking Noli to draw a picture of Play-Doh Butt for me just to see what monstrosity he puts to paper, but until then I’m totally satisfied just watching him draw Spider-Man… with chalk… on our walls. So glad we didn’t give him markers that day. For a 3 year old he’s a really good little artist - I’d say even for somebody older than him. His Spider-Man drawings are really cute and surprisingly stylized. Between the two of them, I think he’s the most handy with a drawing utensil, and it makes sense; Milo is very book smart, Noli is very creative. It makes a lot of sense to me, Milo is a spitting image of Rachael, so naturally he’s just gravitated towards books and math. Noli got my genes, hence, Play-Doh Butt and art.

He really is the sweetest little boy on the planet though. I slipped on the bottom step the other day like a bobo and fell down, Noli immediately ran over to me and kept trying to make sure I was okay… Milo, on the other hand, just yelled at me to get a toy for him that he got stuck under the television. I’ll be remembering that when it’s time to draft up wills. Anyway, the point is, the kid just has a kind, nurturing soul. He wants everyone to be happy...

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Happy?”

“Yes.”

“Ohay!”

He still can’t say his K’s.

What else… Oh, yeah, Milo turned 5! My baby is growing up and I’m both happy and miserably depressed over it. I feel like I’ve said this for other birthday posts, but it’s how I feel every time. I don’t sing Happy Birthday to the boys, I sing “Cats in the Cradle” and my tears put their candles out. Nobody likes growing up in our house.

I think he had a good day. This was the first birthday that he actually seemed aware of leading up to it. He was so excited he woke up at 5:30 in the morning and for the first time ever WASN’T cranky! I wanted to stick my head in a stove, but at least he was happy to be up before the sun. We had a Mario-themed birthday for him - correction, a LUIGI themed birthday for him; He prefers Luigi to Mario. He’s been playing a lot of Mario Run on his iPad… Probably too much, but mommy and daddy are literally the worst parents in the world when we’re feeling defeated so we throw iPads at the boys for distraction while we recharge our broken will. He’s actually really good at that game, he beat it before I did - and I’m awesome. I’m terrified to introduce him to the original Mario games, he hates losing, and that’s basically all you do with the old ones. You lose until you throw a controller at the wall, then you play DOOM for an hour to vent. We’re not there yet with the boys.

One of the reasons I was so excited for him to turn 5 was STAR WARS. It’s a movie I’ve always looked forward to watching with my kids, but wanted to wait until they were old enough to actually get what they’re watching and hopefully not get too scared. We have a media room upstairs that is 100% off limits to the kids, but I told Milo for his 5th birthday we’d get milkshakes and watch a big boy movie in the media room… He was a little bored by it, but he was happy to just be in our home’s ‘Forbidden Kingdom’ with junk food and some one on one time with Dad. I really loved it. When you have more than one kid, it’ hard to just enjoy them for their own uniqueness. They morph together into this wild entity that lives to argue with itself and bring chaos and exhaustion to your once stable, quiet household.

Milo is a brilliant boy. Every day he makes it a point to remind me how much of a genius he is. Whether it’s his ability to perform division in his head or how he reads at a 1st grade level (even more so I think) or the fact that he can build a set of Lincoln Logs exactly as they are on the box when I can barely make any sense of the vague directions they come with. He’s a sponge for knowledge. He also had a piano recital on his birthday and he nailed it. It probably doesn’t sound like much to an adult musician, but for a 5-year-old to play piano and without looking at the sheet music, know when he’s made a mistake and correct it by ear is wildly impressive. Like I said - brilliant.

Milo - I know I’m a month late writing this, but I’m just so amazingly proud of what a big boy you are. I love your face, I love your voice, I love your personality and your sense of humor, I just love everything about you. I can never find the right words to express it, but I’m just so filled with joy watching you grow up. You were the very answer to a prayer I had prayed almost every night since I was little - to be a Dad, to have a family of my own. Now I get to pray every night and thank God for a family I know I’ll never truly be worthy of. So yeah, just in case you ever doubted what you mean to me.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. I love you.

Anyway, this is turning into one of those super long posts that Rachael yells at me for writing, so I guess I’ll wrap it up… My next post will inevitably be another 2-part ‘Birth of Baby’ story (and hopefully my last), so be on the look-out! Or don’t. I don’t even know who’s reading this besides my wife, and she doesn’t much care for the amount of detail I go into regarding the births so I imagine I’ll just be reading the next post to myself. Good lord it’s late.

Auf Weidersehen, goodnight (why yes, I did have to Google that), ~ M.