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#singularly by directing hatred at myself and wanting myself destroyed to 'fix' the cause of strwss and terror?
mejomonster
·
2 years
Text
Engineering and my own capacity for self destruction really gave me ptsd in a way I could've never fathomed
#rant
#shdhhd
#my health issues
#??? i guess?
#like. yeah the complex ptsd has to do with parents yeah for sure. id have to do the working thru that
#and fixing that work anyway
#but the absolutely incredible self destruxtive panic attacks???
#the way wjen i panic my body is fully xonditioned to respond to stress
#singularly by directing hatred at myself and wanting myself destroyed to 'fix' the cause of strwss and terror?
#wild that i trained my fear response somehow to respond to fear by just panicking until im incoherent then trying to kill myself
#on a lighter note i think a killer would have a hard time killing me. i can swing with a metal pan incredibly hard
#meanwhile my own skull can take brick or metal at pretty much any human strength thats not incredibly unrealistic
#its a miracle ive never sustained issues from any xoncussions
#long term im looking up emdr therapy or whatever its called. to try abd process memories and see if that helps
#cause ive done cbt and dbt which worked WONDERS on all non panic attack mental health
#and ive done neurofeedbaxk which LESSENED my anxiety and propensity for panic by like 9/10 pf the time
#but when panic attacks do hit theyre still just incredibly extreme. and i just cannot think during them
#in engineering i kept teying to kill mhself every time panic hit so idk maybe it became the only imstinct
#despite wantjnf to very much stay alive ans safe and comfortable now in my life
#anyway maybe emdr would help?
#neurofeedback helped significantly tho not to downplay. i was literally having mini seizures constantly. no wonder i panicked 5-20
#times a day. like if ur minds short circuiting no fucking wonder
#anyway i hate panic attacks i hate lacking control over them since u knowm by definition if i xould breathe and think calm during one it
#would be Over
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