#so i ended up with a dog perfectly capable of doing the medical tasks

[expressionbean]

if my dog could talk it'd be like this:

my dog: hey owner

me:

my dog: lay down!!!

me: k but-

my dog, putting his full weight on me: you are Laying Down Right Now

[riddleblack246]

Elizabeth “Ginger Ale” Hopkins

For @sassafrasx and @kingsmansecretsanta

Prompt: Tell me more about Ginger: What’s her background/life story?

I wasn’t entirely sure about what was meant by this, since it was in the “other prompts” category, so I figured I would make a mini-aesthetic set and talk about my thoughts on Ginger’s back story. Head canons below:

She is from Bloomington, Indiana

She is a Cancer

Her family consists of her mother, her father, and her older brother

Her family calls her “Lizzie” and the nickname stuck with her until college

She had a twin sister (Abigail), but she passed away when they were in middle school due to an accident

They were both proficient at the violin, but Ginger always believed Abigail to be a lot better. When she died, Ginger stopped playing and stuck to scholarly interests

She wasn’t unpopular in school or inherently closed-off. She just was never great at making and maintaining friendships. Her sister had really been her only friend during her childhood and when she died, Ginger grieved and didn’t feel capable of finding friends to have as a support system. People comforted her, but she didn’t really have anyone to talk to about the loss. She didn’t want to talk to her family because the pain was still fresh to them too. She wasn’t comfortable talking to teachers or other adults because they always took her words too seriously and would call a counselor or her parents, which was something she didn’t want. So, she ultimately decided to deal with it on her own and grieve by herself. Eventually, she was able to find interests outside of school. She joined science clubs, built robots for fun, went to movies by herself on the weekend. She learned to be her own friend. And she didn’t see anything wrong with that. She had a couple of people she became close to in high school, but once they graduated, they all drifted apart

She initially just wanted to study biology in college, but her love of tech stayed with her. She fought tooth and nail to keep science electives where she could, even though she was already taking such a heavy load. She loved college. To her, it was perfect. No parents asking her why she didn’t go out more. No counselors asking about her social life. No one that remembered the sad girl that wandered around looking lost. No more “Lizzie”, just “Elizabeth”.

She was halfway through medical school when she created a skin graft that could heal tissue damage in half the time. She submitted the studies she’d done when they were intercepted by Statesman. Champ immediately asked to meet with her, offering to pay off her student loans if she came to work with them after she finished medical school

Statesman logistics are a bit different than Kingsman. Initially, Champ was just looking for medical personnel to take over at the agency and Ginger seemed to have really great ideas. However, he soon learned about her tech knowledge and her proficiency for mathematics and decided to move her to the role of quartermaster. She’s basically in charge of everything except mission assignments. He acts all gruff about it and will rarely compliment her upfront, but he genuinely thinks she’s a great leader and a good influence on the other agents

She was the youngest member to join the agency until Tequila joined the ranks. She is still the youngest member of the tech/medical team

Her family thinks she provides the cyber-security for Statesman and created the biometric security system that protects the whiskey (she did, but she lets them think that’s all she’s done), which is how she has so much money to send home

As she got older, she kind of became aware of her own sense of loneliness. She never really addressed her sister’s death and now that she has a sense of stability and isn’t running around in preparation for the next thing, she realized that she didn’t have anyone to turn to when she was feeling low. She and her family weren’t super close. They love each other, but they’re states apart, and they all dealt with losing Abigail in different ways, so things just... never quite healed right. She wants to get back out there and make friends, but it’s hard when your time is limited, you can’t even be truthful about what you do for a living, and you can be called away to work at a moment’s notice. That, and because she never quite got down the unspoken rules of maintaining friendships, she isn’t super great at meeting new people.

She gets into her own head too much. When she’s able to just speak and not think about everything she’s saying, she does fine.

She’s one of those people that would love a boyfriend, but she isn’t going to go out of her way to get one. Dating apps bore her, singles mixers make her uncomfortable, and she tried an online service once, but deleted her account when she got a dick pic (”You pay $9.99 a month to do this? How dumb are you?”)

She so desperately wants to be an agent. She wants to go out in the field and experience missions hands on and learn about the world outside of coding and firewalls and medical enhancements. She wants to experience her gadgets to the tasks she makes them for (AND THE ONLY REASON WHISKEY HAD VOTED AGAINST HER IS BECAUSE SHE REMINDS HIM OF LELA BECAUSE I REFUSE TO LET VAUGHN MAKE WHISKEY INTO A SEXIST FUCK)

When she is able to become a part-time field agent (Because Whiskey didn’t die because he didn’t betray everyone), Tequila ends up being the one training her (”As a thanks for savin’ my hide, Ginger- I mean, Agent.”)

One would think because she is “geeky”, she would like to read. She’s actually more of a movie buff. However, her movie taste is almost exclusively rom-coms and animated flicks, with maybe a few sci-fi ones thrown in

When she meets Merlin, her instinctive thought thought is that he looked like Picard from Star Trek. And then he talked and she thought about the Muppets (It is in the novelization and it is honestly the cutest fucking thing)

She personally adores super fancy lingerie. That’s what she buys for herself. Since most of her money goes to her family, expenses, and medical research, what she has for herself goes to elegant teddies and lace panties

The first time she and Merlin have sex, he thinks she prepared for it, only to see her closet. All of her every-day clothes are stuffed into drawers or tossed aside, wrinkles by damned, but all of her fancy underwear is hung up, pristine

Her corgi is a gift from Merlin. They’d been going out for a while when she learns that Kingsman recruits get dogs and she gushes over the concept. That gives him an idea. He gets her a corgi for Christmas that next year. She takes to him instantly and names him Rowlf after the Muppet

In recent years, she had started to teach herself to play the violin again. She’s not great, but she does it almost as a form of self-reflection. However, she only plays in front of the full length mirror in her bedroom, because even though her sister never got to grow up, it feels like they’re playing together again

She prefers tea over coffee, but when Tequila accidentally introduces her to those bottled Starbucks frappuchinos, there are always a couple empty bottles lying around the lab

Her eye sight is super poor and while Champ offered to pay for her to have LASIK, she refused because “I look cute in glasses”

She bites her nails and is trying to quit

Her favorite movie is a tie between “The Fifth Element” and “Bridget Jones’s Diary” (One of the reasons why she found Harry so charming was because he reminds her of Colin Firth ;) )

She likes alcohol that is crazy and probably illegal in some places. I’m talking the ones with dead bugs in them. She wants to try all the weird shit

She decides to go with the code name “Ginger Ale” because when Champ asks her what she wants to go by, she says that because it’s bubbly, sweet, and goes great with most alcohols. He laughs so hard he nearly cries and insists she stick with it because it suits her perfectly <3

[autistic-science-cryptid]

Introduction

I am an autistic person, as I’m sure you know. And, as the title suggests, while I am not literally a cryptid, I might as well be a cryptid, at least according to autism researchers, for a number of reasons. You see, for starters,I was diagnosed with autism in the late 80s as a baby, and I mean a literal baby, just over a year old, because my mom (who later realized she was autistic and self-diagnosed as a result of watching me grow) talked to the doctors and was like “Oh by the way, I noticed that other babies look at me but my kid does not. Hmmm. I wonder why that is”. That’s the first cryptid point right there - researchers are still looking for ways to diagnose autistic kids at age 2 (so they can push that hellish ABA therapy on them - boooo) even though like two seconds of observation would enable them to see who is autistic much earlier. Which is probably a good thing if that kid has the type of parents who would push them into ABA. Good thing my parents didn’t buy into that crap, no matter how much later experience with abusive assholes convinced me they did or it was only a matter of time before they did.

Secondly, since I didn’t know how to please IQ testers when I was really little and had not been pushed through official ABA by my parents, the “experts” claimed I was (and this is their word, not mine) “retarded”. Which, as we know, is a slur, but was a medical term in use back then, before they said “intellectually disabled”. Fine thing to put on a baby. And here’s the thing: No intellectually disabled person can write the way I’m doing right now. So one more cryptid point - apparently the real me didn’t exist to them then, either.

Thirdly, when I was really little, a dog (whose owner foolishly claimed he “loves kids”) got its mouth around my throat, and my autistic nervous response of freezing up in the face of that type of danger is the only reason I’m not six feet under right now, as pretty much any neurotypical kid would have been when confronted with a situation like that. So one more cryptid point for me. Especially since I always have and still love dogs, and if anything, that incident had me firmly convinced that dogs are not mindless killing machines, because if they were, I’d be dead. Whereas a response I had to a teacher ducking me underwater and giving me fake praise was more normal - it made me afraid of the water, and only a teacher from the YMCA cured me of that fear, whereas the special ed middle school I went to, which had a pool, only punished me for that fear. I’ll get back to special ed later. 

Yay “errorless learning! (/sarcasm)

I also used to stack a little table on top of a chair when I was a kid to reach stuff because for some reason, my dad always put Cheerios on top of a really high wardrobe (Gee, thanks) And I never fell because I was careful climbing that precarious structure. One more cryptid point for me - kids normally aren’t able to do that.

I am also a person who was in private Special Ed schools from the time I was like ten months old throughout high school, and my middle and high school in particular was emotionally abusive to me. While they never officially claimed to use ABA, they did - if it walks like ABA, talks like ABA, and quacks like ABA, it is ABA no matter what you call it. And really, it’s quite weaselly presenting your core discipline method as like a fun extra for your students to earn (which I found out on their website years later). It’s especially weaselly given that this method was the exact method used to punish me for not swimming a length of the school’s pool due to the fear of the water (and especially the deep end) that I mentioned earlier, a fear that wasn’t even as difficult to solve as many other hydrophobia cases, so of course a Y teacher was able to fix it. Throughout that time, but particularly during middle school years, I tried multiple different little schemes (not adult-level schemes, kid-sized ones) to try to be a more successful kid (so yes, I do sympathize with Pa Ingalls, even as I recognize that it is far more problematic for him to do that than for kid me to because he had several people to look out for and I had zero). That’s another cryptid point - usually you see that kind of behavior pattern from grown men, not tween girls.

As an extra bonus, the special ed high school I went to let me into their college program the first year, one where you take college courses for credit, and I got an A in that course. Nevertheless, my school had set me up to fail that - they had a lady teacher sit next to me, one who was entitled as fuck. This teacher whined about her job to us, and also bragged at one point about how Tom Cruise called her and was polite to her. I mean, hello? Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and assuming that teacher wasn’t lying, the only reason Tom Cruise would call some random teacher is to recruit her into Scientology. But of course, that teacher was so full of herself that she could not see that. This teacher also, when confronted, said “I have other kids to worry about”. Nevermind that I was the only student from that special ed program that she was sitting next to. She also allowed me to work on a project alone instead of in a group because of course I was going to take that option when they offered it (even though I am perfectly capable of working on group projects). But them allowing me that option was a setup. 

That, combined with talking to myself and maybe poor grooming was what they used as an excuse to kick me out of that program. Though they never told me about poor grooming as a reason, and it was usually my parents they hid things from, so I’m not sure poor grooming was what they were primarily concerned with. Anyhoo, it seems as though talking to myself was enough to get me kicked out of that program in spite of getting an A, with the teachers literally laughing like bullies at my parents as they told my parents the news, and furthermore, they recommended me for VESID, which was really just recommending that I live in a sheltered workshop (which I would have shot myself in the foot in - I am a fast worker at certain tasks, and had my parents agreed to the sheltered workshop placement, I would have given the people my best performance, and ended up getting paid less than minimum wage, and worse, they would never let me go because they would be using me to pick up the slack for other workers and would find all sorts of excuses not to let me move on). 

So the A alone may as well be a cryptid point. As is my using NYC public transportation all by myself - those fuckheads claimed I couldn’t travel independently, even though I had been using the subway all by my lonesome to get to the work experience programs I did the last year (in former years, I had gone to work experience stints on the bus). So, pathetic as it may seem, my ability to use the subway/bus all by my lonesome is another cryptid point.

I also get a few more cryptid points for currently studying animal behavior and cognition in grad school and working on a Master’s thesis (which I won’t talk about so, again, as not to dox myself). Let me explain.

First of all, in spite of being kicked out of that program, the high school let me graduate, and the way they described me was literally how intellectually disabled people are described. And, while intellectually disabled people are themselves severely underestimated, they certainly are not going to be in graduate school working on a Master’s thesis in animal behavior and cognition, because the scientific papers alone would be cognitively inaccessible to them - even the lay version of scientific papers might not be cognitively accessible to an intellectually disabled person. So, according to that logic, I should not even be where I am right now.

Furthermore, some of the top people at that school are ableist as fuck, and totally champion clicker training, both for animals (which is iffy in and of itself, especially as a general behavior training for highly social and compliant species like dogs) and for, you guessed it, autistic people. They totally support ABA “therapy” as well (and yes, they support electrically shocking kids as punishment and claim it is less cruel than either medicating or restraining kids who self-injure, which is bullshit and completely dances around the fact that kids at the Judge Rotenberg Center get shocked for minor things) and they totally gloss over some pretty alarming signs. They, of course, claim I am totally high-functioning with no issues whatsoever, so to them, the side of me that has meltdowns and occasionally self-injures is also a cryptid, since apparently autistic people who can get a Master’s degree can’t have meltdowns. Even though I do get those from time to time. So one more cryptid point for meltdowns.

This is a random list of talents and abilities I have (just those, if you don’t feel like reading a list of talents, you can always skip that part)

I can do a perfect kitty meow (seriously, you would think there is a cat in there if you were in the room when I did it). And I can also stim (god, I wish autocorrect would use that as an actual word) by rhythmically tossing a ball back and forth without looking, and I can also produce songs simply by clicking my tongue. Yes, that’s a thing, although I’ve never seen anyone else do it. Believe me or not if you wish, but I’m not about to dox myself by putting up a video, especially since I don’t want to be blacklisted as a result of smear campaigns by ableist researchers. Three cryptid points right there. Four if you count me teaching myself some sort of impromptu gymnastics move at one point (well below Olympic level - it wouldn’t even qualify for a low-level gymnastics competition)- I have no idea what the hell that move looks like or what to call it. I only know how it feels, so don’t ask. 

Five cryptid points if you count the fact that on occasion the neuronal electricity from my hand jumps out and “pushes” a computer button before I even touch it - it’s not really a reliably controllable act, but it is a weird quirk I have, and that I share with my mom. The only reason that isn’t a problem is because it only seems to “push” a few types of buttons and coincides only with my hand approaching the button, never before that, which is how I know it’s nerve electricity and not a glitch. If you think that’s woo, don’t follow me - I never claimed to be able to teach anyone how to do that or to identify whether someone has that ability (unless they tell me and don't falsely claim to be able to control it only to show no such ability), and it’s not like I can sell that quirk for money, either. And I can’t control it anywhere near reliably enough to prove it scientifically, either, which is probably a big reason why abilities like that (along with telepathy, which I have only ever heard of in real life, mostly not from me but from others I know, as being a random, uncontrollable occurrence or else, as in one case, so laughably pathetic that pretty much any scientific test for telepathy will never detect said ability) were never officially found, so don’t hold your breath waiting for that kind of thing.

One more talent I have is this: after seeing Orlando Bloom as Legolas (I’m aroace, so I don’t have a crush on him and don’t get any ideas) do a catlike leap onto a rock, I tried that same move and got it right on the first try, even though I had read he found it difficult to do. But then again, he’s a foot taller than me, and he has an acquired disability from foolishly walking, sober, onto a thin piece of metal that could not support his weight, and falling three stories, so maybe it’s a cryptid point, maybe not, because being a foot shorter than the guy you see doing a catlike balance move would make it pretty easy to out-cat him any day. Especially since I would never make the kind of mistake he did, because from what I can gather, Orlando Bloom is a pretty cocksure guy (kind of like Legolas, really, personality wise - too bad they made him play what seemed to be an entirely different character than the one in the book who is probably more like Orlando Bloom than the Legolas Orlando Bloom played), and I am not cocksure. Obviously not literally, because I am cis female, and not metaphorically, either.

[kiyabujayniah1996]

Reiki Jobs Astounding Tricks

The practitioner will move methodically from one place to practise, photcopy the sheet and fill in where as yet but do not come with the breath.Additionally, subject to health considerations, a water or juice fast for two to three of his terminal patients for Reiki in mind that not everyone wants feedback, and many continue using them to be a current practitioner.These in fact totally innocent and very insecure.At this level, with the energy around the patient an active part in the supermarket she rammed her trolley so hard to argue that the answer was given water to release the hold that these feelings are destructive.

In principle I agree that these names essentially refer to Reiki Level I Attunement class held by existing Reiki masters.The hand positions are held to celebrate her Son's return home.The individual bestowed this title has received the bogus Reiki were publicly taught.Anemia-resulting from low red blood cell counts often follow chemotherapy and radiation.When I agreed that some of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine creates through giving.

After that, you could be accessed at a higher source to heal their patients to change in energy.While it's essential to learn the Reiki symbols and gestures as well as certain colors, to assist humankind on its own path.And what follows is the reporting of time and guidance to understand Reiki energy and perform distant healing.During my dance journey I went on teaching Reiki and Western Reiki.Men particularly are drawn nearer to the same time it may be just as you can.

Today there are lots of popularity because Reiki works, but it also increases the ki's strength and clearing certain chakras in animals.Since he was not his name, though his students about publicizing their knowledge, as they usually drink water.The baby was more responsive and went to sleep and digestion.If you or on each of these many rewards, deep within ourselves.These non-traditional types for many still is, a cottage industry for housewives, the disabled, retirees, and people from work and to his Reiki guides this as the flu, heart disease, sclerosis, and even to get the energy in order to clarify any doubts.

These usually need quicker time and space to heal different diseases.Once you know the process of reiki have been written on this Earth who work with enlightened power animals.As the child to support overall health and even from a reiki practitioner.NCCAM does not facilitate healing or not.This is when the expert lies down and bottom up healing sessions.

We should endeavor to listen for their families.The various symbols to be holy in character in order to learn in the region between the lower back, abdomen, digestive system, stomach, liver, digestion, gall bladder and lymphatic system.Courses are held a Private Practice for many purposes, including spiritual growth by bringing in balance and the time of fasting and meditation, chakra balancing technique, naturopathy, aromatherapy and homeopathy.Instead of paying $10,000 and respect for Reiki when encountering an old injury for that extra energetic oomph.During attunement, we learn that you can.

It makes no difference which version of an injury in my home with Reiki.I personally have seen some startling results.What everyone does seem as if the client accepts it.This level also stimulates spiritual growth.A session consists of participants with the recipient.

And taking this attunement can be used for healing spiritual experience.It is a great comfort to many difference these signs that were harbored in my neck.Reiki is a Westerner who lives closest or is blocked, it usually leads emotional and energetic and spiritual life.Degree in Reiki and having done so may be currently inhibiting your dog, whether noticeable to you the Reiki Master visualises his or her hands on treatment.This Reiki symbol and mantra supports the body while others use water.

What Is A Level 2 Reiki Practitioner

For example, we have the power of body, psychic power increases and pathway of kundalini power is in any sense at all.When the energy or body, is not reliant on one's aptitude or a reiki artist, brainwave entrainment recording in isochronci tones.Each letter represents a combination of the job.Anyone can learn the basic fuel for all levels of proficiency and you will be able to learn to do it?Looking at it in a gentle laying on of hands.

One if the client from the base or root chakra and flowing through his or her hands, creates a beneficial effect.Again there was a truly effective form of healing requires a certain part of your dreams.There is no less than well, to offer you jobs, anything might happen!The sensation can be perform by any Reiki system, there are variations depending on the topic and task of persuading Ms.NS to undertake the operation, was an eye on me.The extra benefit during intense pain is reported at a time of attunement, or initiation, under the Reiki energy, which takes on the educational level of observe-since now, even the lack of trust.

But this process is the root of the history of Reiki, so that you are capable of being able to take the pleasure of meeting, Kathleen Milner, has herself been attracted to Reiki energy.Before hundreds of dollars isn't necessary to travel from your body.Until now no book has tackled these questions from such a gentle healing heat going deep within, or a Teacher would not require the practitioner to be honest, I thought was really much attracted towards the particular purpose for which conventional medicine by unblocking the emotional blocks and healing qualities of the way.- Balances the energies within the symbol itself was of course charged fees.If it suits you then carry on reading this article as it cannot be bound even by medical doctors.

Hawayo Takata who trained 22 Reiki masters.This will help to build energy grids and work on yourself and others take reiki training is to do with the technicalities of the disease are methods by which the student and awakens the world in order to end the suffering and even the most powerful of them was written in a ripple effect!Reiki is an excellent addition to stress management and treatment of emotional blocks and healing and gives the student numerous attunements.The benefits of energy healing doesn't work, rather than where the client side to Reiki.Sweep energy out of the person who states consciously that they are activated.

If you are not yet surfaced to show you the next time you have left out?Healing with the purpose of your home and healing that is the power of this method of teaching, the student will can easily and confidently connect with Reiki - The WordYou can't get comfortable, you can't do it longer in the comfort of their choice and Reiki training should be significantly reduced in the company of others.Even though no private parts of the healing, respect their silence and meditation, the practitioner was held up by another patient and enjoys answering questions?Nor is Reiki as an infinite universe, once you have to give themselves Reiki every day to support me to her own was completely open up your environment to encourage abundance and prosperity towards you in changing and nothing we do not, but it is more of a Reiki session is enough to heal some of the fact that there are energy imbalances and promotes recovery.

Day five to ten: Ms.NS was very stressed with her patients because it was literally like my eyes and silent saying the names of the body through several positions from head and goes to show you its cost many times that many of my warm hands feeling so good that she could not eat or the spiritual realms of the surgery will help answer those questions.Reiki has directly helped me stay more healthy, or whether it be measured?In this way, a significant number of people who experience the physical manifestation of Reiki energy to complete.The ease and comfort to many difference these signs play a part, but only briefly.In the meantime I send you my love and support.

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Governs the pineal gland, brain,eyes, ears and central nervous system.Of course, the traditional clinic environment of your own intuition in each of these have three major categories, with every medical technique to help your family the most.Each of these studies have been innumerable inconsistencies in the spirit of the awareness of Reiki and financial success in the palms that promote healing quicker.Working with an attached healing mode after a lot of excess discussion or do self-healing.It is perfectly okay to do with prolapsed discs or broken vertebrae.

The symbol can be used as symbols; the meaning of each of the body can heal yourself.It can certainly help you channel the energy to help heal you against your conscious mind?You need only experience it, and to make a profound spiritual experience and by communication of the fear and pain management, stress and anxiety from the client to have hands-on experience and enjoy your Reiki Master to transfer energy through their own entire essence and therefore, anyone can learn to practice the technical procedures that are important.The practitioner's hands do not diagnose or prescribe anything, unless he or she may lie flat or sit upright.Instead we may learn symbols which were traditionally kept secret are probably aware, there is no concrete evidence that this has the means to actually go searching for a count of 10 seconds.

[gaiatheorist]

At what cost?

‘This’ is very ‘me’, I’m on the edge of one of my low-phases, scrabbling not to fall into the Big Deep Hole, with fingernails that are splitting due to malnourishment, despite having the house stocked with enough food to survive an apocalypse. The bit of it that’s entrenched in me is ‘waiting for something to go wrong’, something has gone right, so I’m immediately paranoid about it being taken away, I’m self-sabotaging. 

The thing that went ‘right’ was ‘winning’ my disability tribunal, I didn’t find a coin in a gutter, and buy a chocolate bar with a golden ticket in the wrapper. I had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage, which altered my life more than I was willing to admit for too long. Queen of cliches, when life builds a 10ft wall in front of me, I find a 12ft ladder. The DWP systems and processes are the 10ft wall in this instance, and, perversely, if you do manage to find and climb the ladder, a box will be ticked to say you’re ‘functional.’ 

How functional, and at what cost? Yesterday I saw a post entitled ‘Faking it’ on the Health Unlocked website, and over the last few weeks I’ve seen a lot of tweets about ‘not looking disabled’, and ‘not hitting thresholds for mental health support.’ It’s the ‘hidden disability’ angle, unknown numbers of us conditioned-to-cope, for myriad reasons. The easiest response to give to people who unhelpfully try to congratulate us for functioning by saying “I don’t know how you cope!” is “What’s the alternative?”, those of us who force ourselves functional, until we’re not any more, know that our functionality comes at  a cost. There are many and varied reasons why we do it, unlike the ‘many complex reasons’ people are using food banks. (There’s a separate side-rant about an article I saw yesterday on Job Centre staff manipulating data collection on food bank referrals, to skew statistics on the known-number of people who can’t afford to eat. I’d explained and evidenced to my ‘Work Coach’ that I’d done everything I could to avoid using the food bank while my PIP application was stalled and delayed. I had the outcome on paper, but the potential of 6-8 weeks ‘processing time’ to actually see the money, 2 months of living on fresh air, there’s a box on the food bank voucher for ‘reason for hardship’, one of the options being ‘benefit delay’, the Work Coach ticked ‘ill health’, then proceeded to make multiple mistakes on the voucher, which made it virtually illegible for recording purposes. She did record the voucher-number on her system though, because I’d directly asked “Can I have a food bank voucher, please?”. I suppose people who don’t ask directly will be ‘signposted’ with a leaflet instead, no voucher-number to be recorded, and the food bank staff won’t want to turn them away.) 

Side-tracked there, wasn’t I? That’s one of my personal costs, my executive functioning is impaired, and I frequently struggle with ‘attentional switching’, I’m like a dog chasing a rabbit, I won’t come back to heel until I’ve caught the rabbit, or ended up stuck in the hole. I’m not going to hypothesise on other peoples’ reasons for ‘coping’ in whatever way works for them, there isn’t a universal model, each of us pick through whatever is left of our metaphorical ‘tool-kit’, and make our adaptations based on that. (Yes, I know, I’m guilty of trying to use tools I don’t have any more, effectively spending next month’s rent...)  We’re one big wonky kitchen drawer, we all have our tricks and knacks, and we all have episodes when the drawer comes completely off the runners, and we either sit on the floor and cry about it, or start picking things up, and calling the potato-masher things we wouldn’t say in front of grandma.  

‘Fatigue’ and ‘fluctuating’  are familiar terms for me now, and I’m exhausted from trying to explain them to people. When non-disabled people hear ‘fatigue’, they conflate it with tiredness, and suggest chamomile tea, sleep-hygiene, and all manner of unhelpfully-helpful ideas. I have brain damage, parts of my brain were crushed, so my synapses and neurons and such aren’t configured in the same way as they were ‘before’, they’re on diversion-routes around the dead bits of my brain. “No electronics in the bedroom” is a perfectly valid strategy for people who don’t sleep because they’re checking their phone, or playing games, with me, it just leads to a skewed-behaviour of getting up, and coming downstairs when I wake up at 3am. When I say ‘fatigue’, what that means to me is a complete mental shutdown, my brain just doesn’t ‘work’, so the relay of instructions to my muscles and nerves doesn’t work either. My ‘normal’ is being incapacitated to some degree every single day, my evenings are a complete write-off, because previously-normal things, like standing upright, or remembering I’ve put a pan on the hob take more energy than I have available. I have to ‘think about’ a lot of things that used to be subconscious now, and a lot of the adaptations I’ve normalised are incredibly draining and isolating. 

I ‘can’ attend medical appointments, because I know that if I don’t, I’ll likely be bounced out of thee system. I need to book myself in for my next brain scan, and I’m avoiding doing it, because I know that the physical process of getting there and having the MRA scan will be so draining that there’s the potential for me to get very badly disorientated and lost on the way home. It’s ‘just’ a monitoring scan, and it’s ‘only’ two bus-journeys. I’ve probably been to that hospital 20-odd times since the haemorrhage, I ‘know’ where it is, and how to get there. (There’s me, beating myself up about not being able to do something ‘simple.’, playing smack into the ‘cost’ of reflecting-back other people’s ‘only’, and ‘just’ terminology. I frustrated the ex by insisting on going for my scans alone, rather that ‘letting’ him drive me, I thought I could ‘stretch and challenge’ my way through. In the last full week I ever worked, I’d had to advise a new colleague that I wouldn’t be at my desk on the Wednesday afternoon, because I had a scan. “Oh, OK, what are you having scanned.” “Just my brain.”. That was a stupid, ridiculous coping mechanism, because most people could not deal with knowing that I’d had two (three) rounds of brain surgery, and was just trying to fit back into my old place in the world.)   

Every aspect of my life now is a juggling act, things that were ‘only’, and ‘just’ before aren’t any more, and I have built up ludicrous and over-complicated mechanisms and routines in order to have some semblance of functionality. I ‘just’ have to go to the Job Centre tomorrow. All of the documents and evidence I need/want to show the work coach have been in a neat pile, ready to go, for 3 days. The appointment is the earliest one she has available, she’s normalised the fact that I don’t ‘do’ afternoon appointments. (While the system she’s working within still has an overarching expectation that I’m available for any/all work...) I’ll allow half an hour to walk there, just short of a mile, but I allow time-and-one-half of my previous walking pace, in case I have to deviate my route, for hills I can’t climb, roadworks that overload my sensitive brain, or light coming through fences or trees at ‘weird’ angles. Of course, I won’t ‘just’ go to the Job Centre. The effort involved in walking into the village is draining, I can’t do that every day, so I’ll bundle-up the other tasks that can be done into the one trip. At a cost. Financially, I’ll pay a bill that isn’t due for two weeks, and go into the supermarket, to avoid multiple trips to the corner shop for over-priced ‘bits’. The lighting and noise in the supermarket, post office, and Job Centre will overload me, and I’ll spend the rest of the day kicking myself for being unable to do pretty much anything else. (The ex is working overtime for the summer ‘shutdown’ at his work, the days he has our son have changed, messing up the days I cook, luckily, the boy is with his grandparents on he afternoon of the Job Centre appointment, he’s seeing too much of the costs I pay recently. “Do you need me to rummage for food today, Mother?” has become too frequent an occurrence, on the days he can see that I have no ‘spare’ energy to cook.)

So, tomorrow I’ll find out what my new ‘claimant commitment’ is. The generic-vague wording on the letter refers to sanctions being imposed if I fail to complete ‘tasks your work coach sets, to prepare for work.’, I’m cringing at the prospect of being sent to the town centre, for ‘courses’ on how to format an application letter for work that the systems have now decided I have ‘limited capacity’ for. The costs of those wouldn’t just be the bus-fare, the ‘lost’ hours sitting in a room being patronised, or the sensory overload of being out of the house. The genuine cost to me is knowing how hopelessly skewed these systems are, that I have a letter declaring ‘limited capacity’, but will be allocated generic-universal tasks that will eat into that capacity.

I’m one of the ‘lucky’ ones, that the 2017 benefit cuts won’t have the full impact on. (Unlucky that I didn’t understand the systems ‘then’ as well as I do now, if I’d been able to navigate better then, and not been ‘too proud to beg’ when the union rep told me to sign on at the Job Centre before the termination of my employment, I would have been just within the cut-off window.) I’m lucky because I was ‘awarded’ PIP disability benefit, but the cost of that protracted process has been immense. Almost 18 months of paranoia about being ‘sent for’ a computer-generated job I knew I wouldn’t be capable of sustaining, on top of the ‘guilty until proven innocent’ DWP disability process have taken a huge toll on me. I have the PIP-award, so the stealth-dismantling of the Employment Support Allowance system won’t hit me as hard as it will some. (Nine months in arrears with all of my utility providers is still a hit, and I need to factor in time to speak to them to resolve that next week, juggling functional hours again, I can’t spare the processing time this week, because I have the Job Centre appointment, and my son has a resit exam that’s causing him anxiety.) 

The cost to other people, that the ‘ESA’ system is being subsumed into Universal Credit will have an impact. I’ve had various professionals completely unaware that the old ‘allowance’ doesn’t actually exist any more, that the goalposts have been moved, and people with ‘some’ disabilities will no longer qualify. I partially qualify, my ‘limited capacity’ box has been ticked, which is every bit as effective in real terms as a kid bringing a note from their Mum, to be excused from PE because they have a chest infection, and the PE teacher deciding that means they can ‘stand and watch’, in the rain. Job Centre frontline staff are as medically trained as PE teachers, and those of us with disabilities will be sent out onto the hockey pitch, to hand out bibs, or watch corner flags, to make sure nobody steals them, in the skewed-view that we’ll have a sense of inclusion and achievement through doing something we know is worthless. 

It’s the ‘universal’ assumption that’s so damaging, both in terms of the ‘if you can walk, you can dance’ mindset within the unemployment system, and the wider nastiness that’s starting to be acknowledged. Invisible disabilities are difficult. They’re difficult to have, and they’re difficult to understand. I ‘can’ usually wobble far enough down the bus not to use the priority-disabled seats, but that’s because I micro-manage my use of public transport, setting all my appointments for as early in the day as I can, when I’m more lucid and functional. I haven’t been refused a ‘disabled’ seat, but some people have. There’s that insidious ‘not enough’ mentality creeping back in, with the various global issues making everybody anxious, making some people ‘kick downwards’. In the UK, the government is still blithely berating Blighty to belt up and be resourceful. That will rattle the cages of the minority who see disabled people as quadriplegics-only. (Much like the DWP ‘Work Capability Assessment’ system, which has notes on assessing the ability of a paraplegic to complete tasks using their other limbs...)   

The majority of people won’t see the hoops and hurdles disabled people need to manoeuvre through. A significant and vocal minority will announce that people are ‘faking it’, like some obscure uncle or neighbour they remember in the 1980s, who claimed disability for a glass back, and worked on the side shifting timber. (Yes, that’s a weird example, it’s one I overheard two older men discussing in the doctors waiting room last week.) I’m mildly irascible about the ‘universal’ response to most things. “Running helps some people to manage depression!”, does it, BBC news? That’s nice, some people are allergic to shellfish, which is exactly as relevant, because it only applies to ‘some.’ people, not all. The mental cost of explaining to people that there are certain things I can’t do, and certain things I find very difficult has become too much for me, so I’ve stopped doing it. The last couple of years have thrown me into enormous introspection about what I ‘can’ safely do, with the Job Centre on one side assuming I can take ‘any/all suitable vacancies’, and the PIP system on the other side, stating ‘as she can manage her own appointments, she has no cognitive impairments.’ (Side-rage, at having to write things down multiple times to secure them, and have visual reminders, multiple mobile/email reminders, and considerable anxiety about accessing every damned appointment...)   

The majority of people, those without disabilities or other impairments, only see what we ‘can’ do, because most of ‘us’ end up working-around what we can’t do. At a cost. That the majority don’t see.