#so im in a pickle because my boyfriend has been very excited for over a month about us going together to his friends' Halloween party

[ceaselessbasher]

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[pbandjesse]

We are sitting in the car waiting for James to get his bike all attached to the back. Which is taking a little while but that's okay. I'm just really tired. We just finished dinner with his family again and it was excellent and a lot of fun. But we did a lot today and I am just really looking forward to sleep. 

I did sleep okay last night. But I heard everyone awake around 9 so I got up too. 

To find that the water was turned off. Because one of the water heaters in the building broke. Dang. So I washed my face and brushed my teeth with my water bottle. 

I felt pretty good. James and Jess were having coffee. And James had scones baking for us. I finished getting dressed. And soon Jess was sitting with me and we were doing our makeup together. It was fun. 

Eventually we headed out and walked over to the café for real breakfast. 

And it was good. And I am glad we have two nice cafés in walking distance. But mostly I was just really happy to be with Jess. I'm sad she's going home tomorrow because this weekend has been excellent. 

Once we were done with breakfast we headed back to the house to get the car. 

Off to the thrift stores we went. They were calling for snow but it only lasted a few minutes once we were inside and then it was just horrible rain. But that was okay. 

I had an interaction that upset me a little though and could have dampened my whole day but I saved it. Through kindness. Me and Jess were looking at stuff and went over to the toys and another girl our age was looking took and she found a baby furby. And I was so upset I didn't find it first but excited for her. And her boyfriend came over and was like I saw that! And I said to them it's a lamb baby and they are my favorite and if you don't get it I will. And he said they are trying to fix some furbies right now and I was like that's so cool. And was trying to be positive but then she shot me a look and was putting off this vibe like she was upset with me. Like I was trying to take that furby from her. And I wasnt! I was just excited. So we walked away. 

But then I was sad. And Jess went to look at shirts while I looked at coats. But I was sad and trying to shake it. 

But I told Jess why I was sad and shook it off best I could and we went to look at dressed. 

We loaded up this cart. Just everything we even only kind of liked went in the cart. It was hilarious. I went around the corner to the other dresses and there the girl who got the furby was. And I decided to reach out and have a conversation. Turns out she sells nostalgic 80s and 90s toys on ebay! And I told her about my Instagram and now we follow each other. And I told her if she posts furbies I'll make a post about it! It was so nice and it made me feel 1000% better. 

Once me and Jess decided we had enough things we went to the dressing room. Jess went first and I organized the cart so our stuff was easier to grab. She tried on some ridicules things I picked out for her. And many just silly things she found. But she found some stuff she looked beautiful in and it was just really fun to see what she found. I tried things on a lot quicker even though I had about the same amount of stuff. I ended up getting a couple dresses and skirts. But my main great find of the day was an LL Bean jacket in light blue that I am so obsessed with. Im going to wear it tomorrow. It was a maybe at first and I actually put it back because its a little big. But I couldnt stop thinking about it and it was only $7.  

The line to check out was very long. So we wandered around for a while longer. Jess found this really neat faux antique mirror but it would have been a huge production to get it to New York. So after much hemming and hawing it was left. But I did find a kneeling chair and I have wanted one for as long as I can remember so that was a well spent $15. We spent a good amount of money but we got so much stuff. Including 2 really great pairs of shoes. One are beetle boots in blue velvet with buttons, and the other are leather shoes with sherpa interior that spills out and they are while but incredible. Im really jazzed about them.

We finished up there and it was raining. But we got to the car in one piece and headed to the small goodwill down the street. I do not like this goodwill. I find them rude. But we each got one good thing. She got a bottle shaped like a fish and I got those hand gripper exercise things I wanted. But I got really upset because there was an amazing vintage suitcase I wanted to buy that didnt have a price ad that goodwill wont just go to the back and find out and they have signs about it all over. And I was just really bummed. And they were like. Well you could try again tomorrow. And my feelings are this store, of all the good wills Ive been too, has the highest amount of unpriced stuff I have seen. And they wont sell it without a price! But they also wont put a price on it. Like guys. You are just wasting everyones time. You continue to be the worst goodwill. It sucks. 

So I just felt upset and wanted to go. We wanted a snack so off we went to the amish market. Except somehow I chose the wrong one? this was not the one I had been to before. It was very strange. But we did find one and I got a pretzel and she got a pickle and it was nice to walk around for a coupe minutes before we were back on the road. 

We went to the other goodwill. But honestly I was a little burnt out on shopping. I didnt want to look at anymore clothes. She did get a pretty excellent planter and I got an amazing 4 set of plates shaped like sea shells. They are great. But thats all we got. And that was just fine.

We went to a diner for a late lunch. It was so cute and chrome. My favorite type of diner. The food was good but alll very hot. And I was starting to get tired. 

We were about to be on our way home when I remeberd one of the things I wanted to accompish today was getting more snails and maybe a second frog and a heater. So we tried a pet store near where we were. No luck. So into Towson we went where we had great luck. I got 3 black snails. The same kind as my white ones. And a heater. No frog but as soon as we got home and got everything inside I put the snails in the tank and its like a switch was turned on in the frog. 

He starts swimming around. And the snails werent all the way out of their shells yet but he was just sitting and as soon as they started moving he started moving. And now they are all motering around in the tank and I am so excited. He seems so much happier now. And the tank is already free of old worms and food. This is great. 

Me and Jess sat in the living room taking tags off. And figuring out where James was. I knew he was with his friend but we were going ice skating and wasnt sure if we were waiting for him. 

But we ended up going and meeting him there and it was a blast. It was so nice skating with Jess and we took pictures and I just had a really good time. James got upset after we left because he somehow lost a glove. But I keep telling him its okay. But hes mad at himself. I wish he wasnt but it happens. 

We all left there and had dinner with his family again. Very expensive weekend! But the food and company was lovely. We were there until like 1030 and we were also celebrating James's mom's birthday and it was just really good. I felt really happy. But also really tired. 

But once we went back to the park to get his bike we headed home. Which is where Im finishing this post. Jess just got a shower and I am going to do that next. I am very happy but also very sleepy. And tomorrow is another day. I hope you all sleep great. Have a wonderful night. Pray for snow. 

[lazypetals]

 one week later. i take back everything i said. it seems impossible at home. everything revolves around food. there is so much of it, everywhere. i don’t have the self-control to stop myself from binging. i don’t even want to call it binging because it’s not. i’m just eating all the time and pushing the thoughts of the calories away. i can’t bring myself to open mfp because i just want to EAT. one week later and it’s looking grim. sitting in my bed here at 2am, it seems easy to look back at what i said a week ago and say, ‘why not? why can’t i just stick to the plan?’ but everything is in reach. everything is free. my fatal flaw. at my uni house, i purchase only the exact quantity of food i want to eat in the week. i manage it to a T. when i want to eat at school, i really only see the numbers. how many calories is this teaspoon of cottage cheese? if the whole container cost me 3.29, plus the 10% discount applied then this serving is 0.74 cents. everything is necessity, i optimize everything i do, i track every aspect.

at home, that all seems to go out the window. food no longer has a monetary strain on me. i don’t need to walk for 40 minutes or take a bus to get my groceries. i don’t even have to get in the car. it’s all right there, everything i could want, in the cupboard.

i see a lot of posts about binges. about holding out all day and then eating 3,000 calories at night. and i had this false sense of superiority, thinking “i’m proud of myself. i don’t do that. i set my limits and stick to them, and if i do go over it’s very minimal, and always far enough under my TDEE that i’m still losing a decent amount of weight this week”

but now, i regret that pedestal i put myself on. it’s not that i’m immune to it. i just set up my house perfectly to avoid it, like a safe space. everything i have has a serving size under 60-70 calories, most being less than that. i like to have one dark chocolate bar accessible, with squares that are 48 calories each as a ‘treat’ on some nights. for the rest of the day, i hold out until 4, 5, 6pm before allowing something like a small serving of a rice cake (35) with a slice of a buddig brand cold cut (9) and some mustard (1). or i’ll keep a large cucumber (45) by me while i work and munch away freely. or many other strange food habits that i can support because no one else browses through my fridge shelf/pantry, and no one else sees me eat.

but at home. everyone does work or uses the laptop at the kitchen table. my mom is only either on the couch watching a show or cooking something in the kitchen. or on her laptop at the kitchen table. i can’t just stay in my room all day without anyone noticing that i haven’t eaten before 7pm. i can’t come down and make a lipton cup a soup (50) as my OMAD.

i miss going to bed to the sound of my stomach groaning. i miss feeling empty. i miss going to bed excited that i can measure my waist the next morning and have faith that it’ll be smaller, even if it’s 0.1 of an inch. i miss how i felt 9 days ago, eager to come home because i knew i’d be lighter. now i loathe the scale and i don’t even want to look at it because i have no faith that it’ll show me something good.

i want to go back. i want that sense of control. that sense of hope that things are improving every day. i was excited to come home to see my boyfriend. i saw him today. but i couldn’t find anything that i thought i looked good in. i feel like i look so much fatter than the last time he saw me. i lost 7.6 pounds between april to may, but in just a week i gained 2.7. i want to just look at it and say “okay. i fucking hate those 2.7 pounds for coming back. but that’s still 4.9 pounds. we can do it again. we can be lighter than that lower weight when you first got home.” but i’ve been working and the summer semester is ramping up and i just don’t know if i have the stamina and willpower to do it all. food brings me comfort and calms my stress. why did i sign up to do all of these things. i just want to hibernate for the summer. no one bother me, no obligations, i just want to lie in bed on youtube for 4 months and then walk out of my room skinny. the life i live in between my sleeps doesn’t seem to support this goal at all.

i need to try harder. i’m GOING TO DO IT. the way that i felt today, going to see my boyfriend, getting dressed and having to wear jeans and a huge sweatshirt. i can’t keep doing this. i want to lose weight more than my lack of willpower is setting me up to fail. let’s look at some good things. i rode my stationary bike for 15 minutes today. i walked my dogs with my boyfriend, we walked 1.6 kilometres. i can keep that up. i held off snacking (well i had 3 baby dill pickles (6cal)) until my mom made dinner that i had to eat. i drank a lemon water before bed to fill me and satisfy cravings. i did not eat any of the chicken wings that she made my brother for dinner later at night. these are all good things. i still definitely overate today, but i know i can keep including these good things and work to stop the bad ones. we have to keep going. if i don’t, i will never love myself.

when i wake up, it’ll probably be late in the day. i have to submit my work for this internship in the morning (i’m aiming for noon). i think i might have to stay up really late. then i’ll have to sleep in and i’ll miss a lot of the snacking and binging window, and i’ll just have to eat dinner with my family, if my mom even makes anything at night.

new plans have to change while i’m home. i need new goals. i’ve decided to set a goal of biking on the stationary bike for 60 minutes each day, and walking my dogs outside for about 20 minutes each day as well. absolute MAX calories is 850, but i’d like to stay below 600 when i can. with these rules, in the absolute worst case scenario (850 cal every day, no exercising), i can be at my UGW BY SEPTEMBER. if i stick to it (~500, moderate exercise), i can be at my UGW BY the beginning of JULY. (ps. my boyfriend’s birthday is in mid july. we can go on a beach birthday date and i can be SKINNY in a BIKINI if i fucking stick to this holy shit) (and that’s LESS THAN TWO MONTHS of heavy restricting and intense exercise. if i can’t sacrifice 2 months for the only thing i’ve wanted so badly, then i will never do it. i will never love myself. IM SO FUCKING HYPED CAN WE DO THIS????)

WE ARE NOT OFF TRACK. WE ARE ON SCHEDULE. TODAY IS A NEW DAY.

may 8th 2021 - 3:01am

[hyun-seong]

Hello can I ask how’s the date with your boyfriend had been going? You can ignore it if it personal! Haha

ME??? Pass up a chance to talk about my boyfriend?? RIDICULOUS 

IT WEnt really well! 

we had lunch with my parents and they love him they really do so that was just fine  

He was nervous to drive my moms car because he like has driven a stick shift his whole life so we just stayed around the plaza around my house and just looked around the shops, I made him let me buy him a cardigan because he doesnt have any warm clothes and he lives where its cOLD like i feel like that was 50% for his health and 50% for my sanity of not having to worry hes not freezing to death because I #WORRY all the time about his safety lmfao

only one person gave us a dirty look so thats cool, our personal record that ive counted has been 3 but IDK IM OKAy with it i really dont care what random people think about me in any capacity i think the only reason it only could bother me a little is i just cant stand the thought of anyone thinking something bad about him especially because of his proximity to me BUT HES NEVER SEEMED BOTHERED EITHER SO its all good

we had dinner at farmer boys but we both are trying to lose weight and i just havent been hungry lately so we shared a burger and some chili cheese fries but i dont like pickles or tomatoes and he doesnt like onions so we are up there ordering like uhhh can i have a cheeseburger but with no onions and no tomatoes and no pickles and the woman just looks at us like so amused like “SO.....you just want lettuce???” like PLEASE DONT JUDGE....WE’RE TRYING OUR BEST...i also pulled a shitty perfume vase and some fake flowers from my house and hid them in my purse so i could whip them out and set them on the table so i could have the illusion i could afford somewhere nice to eat so i hope he appreciated my effort lol

at the end of the night we literally just sat in the car for an hour in a parking lot because IDK ITS JUst what we always kinda had to do because there was nowhere else we could be actually alone besides...a car....its kinda always been like that and i hate people touching me and i hate touching other people but IDK my boyfriend is my fluke and i had like held his arm and put my head on his shoulder and his head was on mine and it was the most comfortable and relaxed i had been in my entire life no joke because i dont know how to relax imthe worst at it EXCEPT LIKE I SAID...we were in a dark parking lot with the window rolled down and there was this baby like screaming bloody murder AND I START CRacking up and hes like why are you laughing and im like this is the weirdest thing i have done in my entire life so he starts cracking up and i imagine how ridiculous it had to have looked if someone happened to see just.....two people trying to cuddle in the front seats of a car while in hysterics, I MEAN THEY JUST DONT TELL YOU SHIT LIKE THAT IS GONNA HAPPEN....but now im distraught because i loved it so much and i knew i would and i did it anyways and now i cant do it and i fucked myself over...

another thing that met so much to me was when my dad was driving him back to where he was staying because rip i cant drive lmfao AND MY MOM TOLD ME HE LIKE SO EXCITEDLY VOLUNTEERED TO BECAUSE normally my mother, who is like my best friend, is the one who helps out but this time it was my dad so they were talking to each other and they get along very well its cute and my boyfriend was saying something about how his lineage is a little bungled because his parents were kinda displaced since they had to flee from mao zedong’s reign and stuff and my boyfriend was beginning to explain it and my father was saying like “oh yeah thats understandable because blah blah blah” because my dad knew exactly what he was talking about and my boyfriend got soo excited and was like holy shit youre the first person who knew about all this stuff, you’re the first person i didnt have to spend 15 minutes explaining this to and HE WAS JUST SO...HAPPY....THAT I LEGITIMATELY STARTED TO CRY And im glad it was too dark for anyone to see 

anyways tldr life is wild and never goes how u imagine it will

[viralhottopics]

I Bump Into My Neighbor Every Time I Get The Mail, Then I Realized That Im Falling For Him

Here at LittleThings, we know that life doesn’t always move in a straight line.

That’s why we created the Ask Becca advice column to discuss all the big and little problems that we encounter every day.

If you have a question or concern of your own, you can send it on to AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

Each week, I comb through tons of responses from readers across the internet to bring you a column that resonates with our whole audience.

Last week, I covered a MIL with boundary issues, a crisis of confidence,a layabout boyfriend, and a less-than-faithful husband.

This week, I’ll be tackling a whole new set of questions, including a secret crush, sex after trauma, a friendship that’s turning into something more, and a full-speed-ahead new romance. Scroll through below for my very best advice!

If you have words of wisdom of your own, please add them in the comments to continue the conversation! And make sure to send any questions you have to AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

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Crushing On A Stranger

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

Im 58 years old and have a crush.

His P.O. box is right beside mine and we always bump into each other.

I want to say hello and get to know him, but I dont know how at this age. I feel ridiculous.

Any advice?

-Smitten

Dear Smitten,

I would start with “hello”!

It can bebeyond intimidating to introduce yourself to a new person, especially if you have been single for awhile, so it’s best to just leap in without taking too much time to think. Jump into the deep end and be the first one to talk.

Next time you run into each other in the mail room, make like the charming and confident person you are! Say, “Hi, I see you around all the time, we must be neighbors! I’m [name].”

From there, you have a sturdy foundation for building up a connection every time you bump into one another. One week, you’re cracking jokes about junk mail; the next. you’re making plans to grab coffee.

Besides, it’s easy to nurse an unrequited crush from afar actually meeting the object of your affection is the only way to find out whether you actually like the real person.

Take a chance on yourmail room mystery man!

Best of luck and happy flirting,

Becca

Stressed About Sex

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

I have a problem with my sex life. My boyfriend and I are OK romantically.

But almost everytime I have sex, I bleed just a little. I feel so much shame and guilt about it, because I am a survivor of sexual abuse.

I have this instinct to freak out when I do bleed. This is making my boyfriend question if we should have sex anytime soon.

I really want to have sex again, but I wish I didn’t freak out about the blood. My abuser made me ashamed of bleeding as a child when he was abusing me.

I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I are good, we probably just have to start over.

He and I see the same therapist, and I did talk to him about it. He only told me that I must tense up my muscles during sex. My therapist suggested going back to woman’s physical therapy.

I’m a complete mess; I feel so guilty. It’s not that my boyfriend makes me feel guilty about it. I need to find ways to not freak out. Help!!!

-Anonymous

Dear Anon,

Let me start by saying that you are a brave, strong individual.

Abusers of any kind are despicable people who often seek to isolate and alienate their targets. You should feel tremendously proud that you have actively pursued self-care by finding a therapist and are confronting past traumas. Your health and healing are more important than anything else.

If you feel ready to be sexually active with your boyfriend, go for it! Just keep your own happiness and health at the forefront of the experience.

I don’t think you need to “start over” with your guy; I think you just need to make sure you both always take the time you need when things get heated.

Bleeding during sex is very, very common, especially if the woman is rushed. If you aren’t “ready,” penetration can cause micro-tears in your skin, and lead to bleeding. In your case, this is doubly upsetting because of the abuse you experienced and the guilt and shame that your abuser made you feel.

I agree with your therapist that women’s physical therapy might help, but I would also advise that you change the way you approach sex.

Try adding more foreplay to your routine, and make it more intimate: think lots of kissing and caressing. Be patient with yourself and ask your boyfriend to be patient too; don’t let him rush you.

I would also advise you to keep a lubricant on hand to help smooth things along. Lubricant can make sex more pleasurable, and has the added benefit of helping to prevent bleeding.

Most important of all, remind yourself that you havenothingto feel guilty about. You had a traumaticearly sexual experience, and you deserve all the time and patience in the world to heal and replace those memories with positive sexual experiences. Never forget, you’re worth waiting for!

With love and compassion,

Becca

More Than Friends?

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

So I have a question. I have a very close male friend that I adore with all my heart. We have been in each other’s lives since we were in elementary school and reconnected after high school.

Well, we have had an on-again, off-again relationship for sevenyears or so, but have never actually dated. It’s more sexual than anything.

Then, this weekend he took me out for an actual date.

He is worried if we date and it doesn’t work out, we won’t stay friends. I never want to lose him.

How can I assure him that I truly love him and that no matter what happens, he will always have me in his life? Also, how can I deal with a relationship where we don’t always see each other or talk?

I’m not sure what he wants and I’m scared to push the subject ’cause I don’t want topush him away. It would hurt something fierce.

-Anonymous

Dear Anon,

There’s nothing like the swirl of confused emotions when a friend turns into… something more. It’s a roller coaster, huh?

In your case, it sounds like you have a really strong friendship with this guy. Meanwhile, the romance and “friends with benefits” side of things is a little bit more up-and-down.

If I were you, I would take a step back and put thephysical relationship on pause for a moment. I agree with you: I don’t think that your friend has any idea what he wants.

At a guess, it sounds like hethinkshe has bigger feelings for you, but isn’t sure yet. He wants to keep having a physical relationship while he decides, then have the option to have an exit plan if it doesn’t work out.

It’s OK that he’s confused, but you don’t need to get pulled along in his wake while he decides how he feels. Take a minute and think about howyou feel. Do you want a romantic relationship, or are you happier as just friends?

If you decide you do want to try dating, tell him that you want to stop your physical relationship for a moment, and start going on real dates. Treat him just like any new guy you just started seeing. It will be easier to evaluate your real feelings for each other if you aren’t jumping right back into a comfortable friends-with-benefits routine.

Also, if you do want a relationship, he has to be willing to really be there. A real relationship means seeing each other and talking regularly. He can’t just disappear on you.

If he’s not willing to make that commitment, you might save yourself a lot of heartache by ending the physical side of things and just staying platonic friends.

Best of luck!

Becca

Head Over Heels

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hello,

I’m in a pickle. I married a man at the age of 23; I am now 30. We met, dated, got engaged, married, and separated in a span of about 18 months. We finalized the divorce five years later.

Idid date during our five-year separation, but there was no one too serious.

Now, I’ve met a new guy. Such a gentleman, and I’m beginning to feel like I did when I met my ex-husband. I felt it was right and I could see myself with him forever. That obviously didn’t happen.

Now, with the new guy I feel the same way. I don’t know if I can bring myself to slow it down or just go with the flow.

We have only been serious for a month or so, but our conversations and actions feel as if we’ve known each other our whole lives.

Please help me!!! I need your advice.

With Best Regards,

-HopelessinLove

Dear Hopeless,

Deep down, I think you already know the right course of action here.

You’re clearly a smart cookie, and you’ve identified your own romance pattern: You rush into an exciting new relationship, fall head-over-heels, and then abruptly fall back to earth.

You write that your previous marriage essentially began and ended with 18 months. Knowing that piece of your history, I would tread lightly with your new guy.

Maybe heis your soul mate. The nice thing about true love? You don’t have to rush it.

If this guy is the real deal, you can take your time to slowly get to know each other before getting seriously committed. After all, lasting love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Here’s what I would propose: Don’t rush intimacy, don’t jump the gun on saying “I love you,” and don’t move in togetheruntil you’re sure there’s a future.

Most importantly, date at least 18 months before you talk about getting engaged.

That was the incubation period of your last relationship, so it should also be enough time to know if your new boyfriend is a likely candidate for your happily-ever-after.

Wishing you every happiness on the scenic route!

Becca

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

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