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beautifulmonster1212 · 4 years

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You think if I was a “Cold hearted liar” I would be sooo broken over you???.... you think I wouldn’t rebound and just say “eff this” and move on ??.... if I was a cold hearted liar from the moment you ghosted me in 2017 and showed BR my nudes and you allowed it to be posted.........you think I would come running back??.....

You baited me on a fake watsapp number 7**-0241......while I used my real number and we spoke for months....you called me babe back then too just to ghost me.....which was fine .....but then selling me out to BR and then posting all my nudes along with all my watsapp profile pictures, and then posting my whole qualifications under the picture.......and I forgave you and tried to look past that......but I’m the cold hearted liar.

You think I would put aside my dignity when you guys posted the photo with my whole Dr. in front my name ??... what about when I called u to my house that night and we were in the kitchen talking and I asked you if u knew about tumblr and who posted it ....you looked me in the eyes and told me u don’t know anything like that ....... I told you I traced the ip address to your house ....this was your exact words “solider iz me, my moda, fada, big bro and small bros and none of them would use that app....” but I’m the cold hearted liar.....and yet I forgave you for that.

What about when I asked you for Jouvert.....when brendon very well played jouvert also.....and I had to find out he was in your gallery liming after jouvert, when I dropped you home and all I could have think about was you .....you was with him drinking more that evening......you hide him perfectly from me throughout that entire day otherwise I would have recognized him......that evening I called you to tell you my real feelings for you...you hugged me and told me “bro it’s crazy how close we’ve gotten in such short space of time” and I held onto that an approached you that night in a phone call and I tried to tell you I love you and u told me you can’t come out your house and you have to watch your little brothers.......but I’m a cold hearted liar.

What about the time I had to pretend to be someone else, just so that I could have heard everything you really felt about “Hotdoc”.....and everything your family said about “Hotdoc”, meanwhile I was nothing but just being nice and getting to know you better, and the time I had to hear about BR coming in your van the weekend before fasting started and how he started making out with you and you guys sucked off each other.....how was I suppose to feel....when I had especially asked you to lime that weekend and you turned me down. I had to hear every detail about it, down to his cumshot. I rember being at the gym and just running down to the toilet to vomit becuase I couldn’t stand the idea of you swallowing someone’s cum, I bawled my eyes out but continued to talk to you because I wanted to hear more about what your family was saying becuase that was all sooo suprising to me, that ppl can be so two faced and judgemental.

What about the private bday I had just to spend time with you ??...and it was my best bday ever just having you there... but I’m a cold hearted liar.......

What about the night we went down to Zumba girl house.....and everyone else in your house went on vacation to some country..........I remember being so nervous that night because that was the night I thought u were alone and maybe I might get through to you.......you’re the first guy I have feelings for... and I really dodnt understand how after everything You had put me tru I still kept coming back.......that night you told me you were upset that Justin sister went with another man .......in my head all I was thinking about was you.....and all you was talking about was Justin sister we were sitting in your gallery and when I told you....”A there’s someting between us....I feel this way towards you and I know you feel the same way”........ you blatantly laughed in my face and told me “broo, idk what u talking about” making me look like the raging homosexual. I told you “open the fucking gate” and I left......but I’m the cold hearted liar.....I cried myself to sleep that night, and went on my knees asking god to stop letting me have these feelings for someone that keep hurting me.

Ramadan month, all I wanted to do was be by your side secretly in 2019, I had to pretend to be someone else on gentleman1212 so that I could have hear you say “I wish hotdoctor would just jam me in a corner and suck my tongue” Nights upon nights I ponder on how I was going to do this.....finally praying and getting the courage to do it ......I called you over to my room.....well I don’t need to remind you what happened in my room, till this day when I sit on that black desk all I rmeber is being push away and you saying “solider not ah fuck ah datt shit with me.” When u left my house in that BMW I trashed my rooom.....lamp everything was broken.....becuase I didn’t know how exactly to feel.....you were saying someting on tumblr and doing the whole opposite in person......but I’m a cold hearted liar. I couldn’t help myself I had to call you on the phone and that was the day I told you “A I love you”......it was 5:56pm and you had just reached to work......what was your response .......”bro I reach to work.....I hadda go there now.....but all I could tell you is someone playing with your head and I not gay” and u hung up the phone on me....... but I’m a cold hearted liar.

Wanting to drop rope for me to hang myself.....having conversations about killing me and “your boys ready for me”.....posting a pic of a gun.....calling me manicou face.....and how u going hunting and then telling me how “I killed my mom.......but I’m “cold hearted” rite ?? ......I remember I went that day to do my Photoshoot that I had done just for you......It was the fitness shoot that I had done just to change my fb profile pic ..”it was the ones with the ropes....to show you I made better use of the ropes you wanted to drop for me .......around the same time you wanted me dead, for no apparent reason and I woke up to you asking me where I prefer my final rights, Belgroves like mom or the seabed. I almost canceled the entire shoot, becuase I had to take all that pain and hurt and pull tru that $10,000 Photoshoot for that one day.....just so that I can post on my fb just for you. Would a cold hearted liar do any of that ??.... Your brother found out I lost my job in September last years, failure is never someting that I am accustomed with, having lost a job because of my performance was someting that was on me and I don’t blame you for that, I blamed myself for being caught up in all the homicidal threats and gun posts and I blame myself for being genuinely scared and watching a situation where I was completely innocent and generous to a group of people turn into something so sinister to the point where I felt like my life was a risk. There were days I would drive different vehicles, but then my dad would drive my van I didn’t want to put his life at risk......so I had to keep using my van, despite the fear. You ever considered for a moment how I felt for those 4 week that you were posting homicidal posts for me ??... or what about the talk of dropping my nudes on Xhamester.....and some Trinidad Bamboo....and saying “international l fuck up now for him”.......ever considered how much nights of crying and praying to God on my knees that you don’t do whatever you were threatening to do me. Every considered how much my heart broke into pieces hearing the one person that I ever had feelings for and did so much for want to killl me and post my nudes to ruin my life.

A cold hearted liar would have been gone since 2017, a cold hearted liar would have found someone else moved on and never look back. And what you’re going through rite now....I never want to think this is Karma for all the years of hurt that you’ve put me through, but you’ve been hurtin since September; and you never miss an opportunity to tell remind me of what a horrible person I am, but calling me a Cold hearted liar is worse than threatening to kill me and ask where I want to be laid to rest by my mom or on the seabed; becuase God knows how much times I’ve broken my own heart for you, and had to put myself together piece my piece only for it to be broken again

Use your brain; A cold hearted liar would have been gone by now ....not putting up with your rejections, homicidal life threats and worse yet your constant failure to merge the tumblr version of yourself and your real life self.

There was so much instances where you could have come forth as a friend, and nothing more, where u could have apologized in person for the way things went down with us. Becuase I was your friend, not J not your brother, I was your friend......and you would never get another friend like me ....I didn’t become your friend with intentions of falling in love with you.....I became your friend to see the type of person you were, to see past what you’ve put me tru in 2017, and to let go of the hate that I had for you for putting me tru that, and then little by little I started to fall in love like no gravity and I couldnt help myself, but I kept getting my heart broken over and over again. U know how much sleepless, nights or crying I did back when I was your friend, from getting rejected 12 times to hearing the plain ole truth about what your family members thought of me. I have been crying for years for you and because of you. You only started crying in September, but God knows how many times my heart broke over and over for the same person, and yes I was strong enough to cry on my own and deal with it on my own but I can’t do it on my own anymore .......becuase I got a piece of your heart in the months of March, April and May; so now it’s not just crying, it’s clinical depression, Paranoia from being followed in NYC and Trinidad (constantly looking over my shoulder to see if there’s a car behind me), para-suicide; god alone knows my thoughts. My therapist, fluxotein, my pastors, my family; everyone is rooting for me and I have to get better.

Your therapist thinks that’s normal behavior for me, she didn’t know what I had to go through months and months prior to act out in a way like that. NYC was my place to go because, it was where I healed after my moms death, and I know she would not have been proud of me after seeing my behavior, but that was me when I had given up on finding love because I was tired or being hurt by the same person over and over. I always told myself that you would watsapp, that you would call if you really meant everything that you was saying. But tumblr you and real you was never the same person.........It’s unfair to ask me to trust you on the same app that broke me in pieces; posting nudes ➡️ finding out your true real feelings for me on gentleman1212 ➡️ hearing the truth of what your family thought of me ➡️ homicidal posts towards me ➡️ threatening to posting my nudes again ➡️ then I was suppose to believe you loved me still ???.....

if I had only gotten a watsapp convo or a phone call or any real substantial evidence of you, I would have went to NYC and not indulge in any of that behavior.

Your therapist thinks I’m a hoe and I’m comfortable around men, thats the first time I did any of that exploring in NYC, and I can safely say that now both me and you have seen the all the videos; I never sucked a dick, kissed anyone or fucked anyone or been fucked. What would you have done if u saw me sucking a cock A ??...... I’ve never done that shit in my life worse yet swallowed someone cum.......beauty was the only cock I was willing to put my mouth inn and pleasure. I don’t fool around with random men in Trinidad and you know that, becuase if that was the case I would have been long gone. I would have given up on you since the moment you first rejected me; and started fooling around with people......And it’s not like I don’t have unlimited options, I have both girls and guys wanting me but I choose to not explore that part of me in this country. I went to a foreign country where I “thought “I was safe. You’ve sucked dick and swallowed cum; that’s something that I don’t think I would ever do with someone; especially the kind of things I used to talk about with you, when we used to sex talk. The reason I never came forth and told you when u asked me multiple times was because things were going too good and I didn’t want to ruin it, and I was afraid of the reality that I would lose you......and I thought that maybe just maybe you wouldn’t watch out those videos once I convince you and show you the real true side of me. Since 2017 till now I have spent about 400 thousand on you, from taking down my nudes to wiping brendon phone clean (becuase u was scared he had your nudes) to hacking and taking your pic down from Tbamboo blog to buying you gifts for your bday ....that drawing .....the rings.....bargaining with the company to obtain NYC footage........if I was a lying cheating cold hearted liar.......I would not have spent any of that money, because I don’t have an unlimited supply like you. Every cent I have I work for, so I may spend it wildly sometimes but I spend it on ppl that I think is worth it.........I don’t want to have any arguments with you, for the sake of my mental well being and yours .....I just want you to know that my heart has been breaking Waaaaayyyyyy before yours broke.

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