#so like i never left bc i couldn't construct a good enough explanation to myself of why i needed to
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thought too hard about my adolescence made myself sad 🥲
#red said#the thing is that i was talking to mum about a time when i was 17 when i almost left my ex but didn't#partly bc i was too scared cause it was 3am and i was in another town and i was either going to have to wait 3 hours for the first bus#or call home and wake my dad up and i thought he'd be so mad at me and i wouldn't know how to explain#and like with the power of 30 year old hindsight. he would not have been angry.#like i know that NOW. NOW i know his whole family history involves a lot of domestic violence and he'd be there to protect me#but i didn't know that when i was 17 i didn't know that he'd understand i was Just Scared#so i stayed and i stayed in that relationship another year and it got a lot worse#but some of it's like. how much of nobody coming to get me was that? would people have come if I'd just asked???#and some of it's like. even if I'd known i could trust him i still couldn't have called my dad. cause i didn't trust myself.#like if I'd called anyone or left in the night at some point i would have had to explain. and he Barely Hit Me At All at that point#and i didn't have the vocabulary to frame the main stuff he was doing as abuse cause it wasn't overtly violent#even though it was. definitely. rape and emotional abuse.#so like i never left bc i couldn't construct a good enough explanation to myself of why i needed to#and i just stayed and got sadder and more withdrawn and more tired#and that sucks. like it's not even just that i didn't reach out for help it's that i COULDN'T#it took me until i was like 25 to even figure out that i COULD#and that's sad cause it's not even that i was it there alone. people would have come for me if i knew how to get off the island
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