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theonlygardener · 5 years

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Chronic illness, the nature of abusers, and fever dreams

Today has been a day. This week has been a week.

I started again playing the game I used to play with my ex. Only I took it too far with the walking/exercise and a cyst in my ovary ruptured and now I have a killer infection. I don’t know if they gave me the right antibiotics, I had to practically beg for antibiotics. I don’t think they knew what they were treating. I’m worried about the infection, it doesn’t feel like it’s getting better and while I’m prone to infections, they usually start clearing up within hours of antibiotics for me. From what I’ve looked up online, solely because the ER doc wasn’t very good at exploring every option and quick to blame my chronic illness and refer me to a gyno. And gynos have always tried to push meds on me that are terrible for treating this illness, from experience, and never really address what I actually go into the office for. I saw that ruptured cysts aren’t supposed to be this painful for this long (going into day three now), and that signs of an infection are life threatening. So honestly the past couple of nights when I’ve gone to bed, I’ve felt like I might not wake up in the morning and made some peace with things on that nightly basis. Even told my niece I loved her out of the blue. Texted a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while. I’ve pretended it was normal behavior before writing this. Because admitting to fear is hard for anyone, especially the chronically and disablingly afraid. But I am legitimately afraid. And legitimately dont asking doctors to address problems. When I’m in this much pain and they want to send me out without more than painkillers without me begging for more - when literally a quick fucking google search illustrates how bad that could be. Like. It’s hard not to throw in the towel. I’m doing my best to wait and see and plan on going to the ER again if I need to. I mean. I don’t have much else for choices.

I’m already a statistic in one way, two ways, maybe three. Maybe a million. Disabled and abuse victim. Autistic and abuse victim. Chronic illness and abuse victim. Disabled and no access to appropriate therapies. Sick and poor. Poor and sick. Mixed and sick and poor. Child of an immigrant and sick and poor and disabled. Child of a veteran and sick and poor and disabled and autistic and abuse victim. What’s one more?

My mom became really abusive today. Had one of those episodes - where she can’t handle her anxiety like an adult and turns and lashes at me. I don’t need to spell it out I know what those look like, we all know what those look like - anger, intimidation, gaslighting. I had my endicrinologist appointment today, and I spent the whole time listening to her bitch and complain about how much of a burden I am, on top of the previous abuse. I told her that she knew how far away it was - shouldn’t come as a surprise. And to solve that issue I’ll just go alone next time. When I’m not high off of my tits from tylenol/codeine for a ruptured ovarian cyst and the resulting infection. I would rather die in a fiery crash than be made to feel like a burden. I’ve proved that multiple times over with the toxic abusive ppl in my life and I’ll prove it again.

Then I had a nap, and I was severely dehydrated from meds/crying/fever. And I had a fever dream that me and my ex were hanging out, kind of like how we used to, but it was different. The atmosphere was different, it was like post-break up, friends but not friends but more than friends? And it was at my dad’s house, a place he never visited me at. Because when we started dating I’d go see him. And then when we picked back up again after I broke up with him the first time, I had my own place.

In this dream I was like “I’m horny wanna do it?”, like I used to when we were together and I was ovulating. And there was a cute funny moment. But then I was pensive, I saw a bunch of red-flag bible quote things on the tv game system screen saver we were using, and I started asking myself “Do I really want to do this with a man who gave me a concussion? With a man I was never good enough for? Has he really changed? Not the best choice” He saw the change in my attitude (irl something he’d almost never notice), and I told him how I felt. And we went into a long discussion where he told me that he wanted to now, because after living w/ his parents for a while, and then living with a friend, and then dating around, and then seeing that I had left S, he realized how he had it was good and figured I’d changed my mind about being poly in general and wanted him again. And I had to impress on him that me leaving S had nothing to do with him, or with that identity. That dating her wasn’t about not wanting him in the first place. That I didn’t regret leaving either of them, they were both toxic. And I didn’t regret being poly.

People have irl asked me how it feels to lose both of them, expecting me to say that it was all for nothing. It really wasn’t. I proved that a part of myself - the poly part - is real and valid and something I can act on responsibly. It exposed him for who he was, like something would have eventually. And it’s better sooner, before marriage, than later. And it showed me how being in a wlw relationship can be JUST as toxic as otherwise, something I knew secondhand but had to experience myself. I learned a lot of lessons from it that I wouldn’t ever want to take back. His treatment of me, that’s not my fault. Feeling like it was all for nothing, that would have to go hand in hand with feeling responsible for how he treated me, as if my identity precipitated his abuse, and precipitate the eventual break up, the way he wants me to feel. And I refuse to do that to myself.

And ya know. I know this is a dream state, of him giving me confessions he’d never have the humility to give irl. And at that, that’s not even an apology or a real confession. Because making me feel like “I figured you learned your lesson and you leaving S was all about me”, that’s the same abusive ego shit recycled. The reason the christian stuff is a huge red flag is because he and his family have always hidden behind that. They’ve always hidden behind that in their faults, and in their privilege. they have no faults because they’re god fearing. They have no privilege - they earned their good luck by going to church every sunday and it’s a reward. And although he never impressed it upon me as much as his family did, there were red flags. Shortly after starting to date me he asked if I’d been with anyone else, which, I know now, that’s a huge no-no because it’s no one’s business or place to comment on. It’s never asked for an innocent reason. But when I said yeah and he asked how many partners and then seemed really disappointed, and then the convo went from that to “I thought you might at least convert for me someday”, I should high tailed it out of there.

He’s not even in the place irl that he was in the dream though. I know that on a spiritual level. He’s sucking down the worst of the gaslighting and abuse that he himself experienced since birth and he’s calling it better than what he had with me because it’s comfortable and he’s becoming an even worse version of himself than he ever was with me. I could put money on him abusing the next girl from day fucking one, instead of waiting until she’s just so too much herself like he did with me, and then blaming it on “oh it’s my exes fault she made me like this”, if that was a thing people took bets on.

But I thought, this was the best relationship I’d been in so far and when the best you’re aware of is the best you’ve known, you make the mistake of settling. I settled. I settled for the least worst of what I had experienced, not the best of what I could get. I made excuses for him, my heart was unsettled for a long time. And when I realized he was autistic, that was the excuse I used. I thought autism made him better in that he “didn’t absorb bullshit from his parents”, I was partially wrong. Because it made him appear better in that he probably would have abused me more and put more pressure on me if his autistic traits were different or if he wasn’t autistic at all. But at the end of the day. Me differentiating too much from what he was taught to expect from a wifey - it came out in the end either way.

I think I had this dream because with the chronic health issues, I feel really alone. And before he was there for me - even in a capacity where he himself was also complaining about my needs sometimes. And being sick with or without my mother’s abuse. I’m left struggling to love myself through it. because of how he gaslighted me. I’m left feeling like I wish I wasn’t alone and had support. Like I used to feel like I had. Because yeah in the end he proved to be complete trash. But he wasn’t as bad as her, as bad as past exes. And I keep having to fight that feeling and insist upon what I deserve for myself. And then, add this bitch of an excuse for a mother to the top of that pile. A woman who kicks you while you’re down because she’s so incapable of handling her own life - and I feel extra alone. And I have to fight for what I deserve even more.

And I know, I need, want, absolutely deserve, and again need like I need oxygen, to get out. And I need to get out, alone, and stay out, and alone for a good while. Until I heal and learn to love myself. So that whoever I invite in next doesn’t turn into what everyone has turned into so far.

My mother probably sees today as a win of codependency. It’s no coincidence that she turned into a monster the same day she offered to drive me 45 minutes to a doctor appointment. She thinks she successfully abused and gaslighted me. But I just want out that much more. She asked about my diagnostic appointment and said “what if you have to drive over the highway” and I said “Then I guess I have no choice, and I’ve driven an hour avoiding highways so I’m sure I’ll manage finding a way”. I don’t think she’s ready for me saying “fuck it, I don’t need you that badly. I’ll die first”. But I can’t be in a place where I can’t make progress because I’m constantly at the will and whim of someone who thinks and acts like they can’t live without me, and abuses me in an effort to keep me tethered. I come first.

One thing I’m learning in her presence, it’s like a re-up of abuse 101. Watching someone scramble to do everything possible to sabotage me. Watching someone try to reinforce my disability and make me afraid. One of the pluses of understanding my disability is that I know where my fear comes from. It doesn’t. and won’t, come from others anymore. Because I don’t allow it to anymore. I haven’t for a long time. I fought my ex when he tried it. And my own fears that come from me - I’m handling them. Because at the end of the day, this bitch has the same disorders I have. The disorders she refuses to admit to and take responsibility for. The difference is she only copes by turning around and abusing her dependents. I refuse to take part in that. I just keep addressing my own shit so I can get out.

I think me being sick right now. And I mean really painfully sick. I go to sleep at level 9 pain and wake up at level 9 pain and down painkillers every four hours to take the edge off and help the fever. Honestly hopefully tomorrow is at least marginally better so I can depend on tylenol instead because taking stuff this heavy when I’m this emotionally distressed is a recipe for disaster. Anyways I think me being sick right now - she gets off on it with her sick codependency issues. She doesn’t even really support me. Her ego gets something out of it. She’s not really here for me. Doesn’t really care. It’s all always about her. And in the end, I’m still alone. Because being around people who use you - emotionally physically psychologically doesn’t matter which way use is use, that’s the same as if not worse than alone. The void is just.... so much deeper. Wanting someone to be someone to be the loving kind functional person that you deserve and that they aren’t, and watching them actively choose not to be it. That’s a kind of loneliness that 10/10 is always worse than being in solitude. In solitude you have control over every aspect of your surroundings and if you want to have a good day you have a good day, if you want to have a bad day you have a bad day. When you’re around someone this dysfunctional and abusive, you just aren’t allowed that control.

and 10/10 as soon as I get the support or ability, I’m going to be alone, because that’s what I need, on a wholeness level. And she can’t stop me. In fact her behavior encourages me. It doesn’t keep me glued like she wants it too. It does the opposite. Because maybe if she was a supportive loving and not abusive mother, I would have a safe space to recover. Her not giving me that means I need to go out on my own and get it. Nails in the coffin.

I’ve always dreamed of moving away, changing my name, changing my phone number. I don’t think that plan has changed. And she’ll probably bitch about “how much she helped me and how selfish I am”, but, ya know, that’s what gaslighting abusive bitch mothers do. You don’t get to help someone up, and trip them at the same time, and then pretend that they owe you, or that you did them some great favor. That’s not real help. One step foward and one or two steps backwards - might as well drive myself and panic and be in physical pain through the whole thing.

So, in essence this has been a terrible week full of a lot of abuse and trauma and panic and pain and fear. But, idk, I guess I’m learning something from it.

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