#so much for john the undefeated huh

[toastydumpster]

how long do you think it took for John to forget the poems?

[hamilton-one-shots]

Hamilton High School AU 84

John woke up early on Saturday morning and took a shower and got dressed before Alexander had even woken up, making him breakfast and eating and waiting.

"Why are you up so early?" Alexander asked through a yawn as he dragged himself off of the couch.

“I wanted to go to the gym this morning. I need to go work out more again.” He’d been going easy on himself for a while, skipping almost all of his weekly trips to the gym. “I can’t have myself going soft, now.” He rolled up his sleeve and flexed, showing muscles that were far from disappearing and Alexander found himself having a bit of the opposite problem of John’s.

“You look fine. Come back to bed and do nothing with me,” he whined, reaching out for John.

He smiled and went back over, kissing his forehead and dragging him off of the couch as he attempted to hold him down. “No can do. You can come with me, if you want.”

“What are you trying to say?” Alexander asked jokingly.

“I’m saying you’re gorgeous and I want you to come with me so I can remember who I have to keep myself looking good for.”

He pecked his lips. “Alright, I’ll go with you, but only because you’re a huge dork.”

“Good.” He smiled and took Alexander back into his room, giving him some comfortable gym clothes and letting him change, then having him eat before walking to the gym with him.

“You do this for fun?”

“I do this mainly to not lose my mind. It’s a great way for me to release my anger and get my blood flowing.”

“So you do it for fun.”

John chuckled. “Sure, I do it for fun.”

“Weirdo.”

“Takes one to know one.”

Their playful teasing continued until they got to the gym, until John took Alexander into the boxing area and let him sit and watch while he went hard on a punching bag, moving it’s weight without breaking much of a sweat, figuratively speaking.

It was oddly fascinating for Alexander to watch, just knowing how calm and collected John usually was. To see him so angry, it was a lot more like-

“Alexander Hamilton. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. What’s a shrimp like you doing in a gym?”

He felt himself go pale, more fear running through him than when it had been Thomas targeting him. “Lee...” He could never forget that voice, but he also couldn’t get himself to turn all the way around and face him, just turning away so he wasn’t so blatantly staring at John.

“I asked you a question, punk. Answer it.” He roughly grabbed the collar of Alexander’s shirt and forced him to face him, but Alexander couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

The pair had met months ago, at one of Alexander’s past schools. Charles Lee had been his friend at first and Alexander almost had feelings for him... Then everything changed when he admitted it.

Tripping in hallways, pushing down stairs, stealing money, you name it. Charles Lee tormented Alexander until Martha found out and, furious, got Charles Lee expelled before moving Alexander far away to a new school, not that he lasted all that long in that school.

“Well?” he snarled, a cruel smirk carved into his face.

“I.. I..”

“Hey.”

Both of them turned to the sharp voice, finding John storming over.

He grabbed the hand that was gripping Alexander’s shirt and squeezed until Lee was forced to let go, pushing it back into his arm until he forced him onto his knees. “What the hell are you doing, putting our hands on him, huh?”

John had broken Thomas’s nose for kicking Alexander in the face, but he wasn’t going to do any permanent damage to someone who was a complete stranger, at least to him. He just wanted to scare him.

And, with the way he had his arm, it was working.

“Let me go! I wasn’t going to hurt him or anything, I was just roughing him up! You know how it is, I’ll go!”

John tutted and let him get to his feet, standing between the bully and Alexander. “Go pick on someone your own size.”

Lee may not have been Thomas’s height, but he was definitely taller than both Alexander and John. Still, he backed off and walked away, shooting Alexander a glare.

John didn’t see it, back turned to him as he checked on Alexander. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine... He didn’t hurt me, he just grabbed my collar..”

John nodded and cupped his cheek, his demeanor far more gentle than it was just a few seconds ago. “Do you want to go home?”

“I don’t want to make you miss your workout..”

John shook his head. "Forget my workout. I'm more worried about you and your comfort. I don't mind missing a day if you're not comfortable staying here any longer."

Well, if that was the case... "I want to go home..."

"We can go home." He kissed his forehead and unwrapped the tape from his knuckles before leaving with Alexander, holding his hand and walking back to the apartment with him.

"I'm sorry.. I feel like a wimp.."

"You are not a wimp. That guy was pretty big. I'm glad he couldn't hurt you... Who was he, anyways? Some random jerk?"

Alexander slowly shook his head. "That was Charles Lee.."

John's eyes went a bit wide in surprise, but he quickly stopped himself, not wanting Alexander to think he should be scared. "Oh.. The Charles Lee..."

He just nodded and frowned, staring down at his feet as John led him inside and sat with him.

"You don't need to worry about him. You know I'll protect you, no matter what. Just like I do with Thomas."

"That's different, though. Thomas holds back when he's fighting you... He cares.. Lee doesn't care about anyone but himself." He glared a bit at the floor before his expression softened and he looked back up at John. "Can you promise me something?.."

"That depends on what it is.."

"If.. If you do fight Charles Lee for me and he does turn out to be enough to beat you, please run away.."

John smiled softly and kissed his forehead. "Alex, I'm an undefeated boxer. I'll be okay, I promise."

"Yeah, but... But that's in a fair, clean fight.. Lee is not a fair or clean fighter..."

"Neither was Thomas, but I could still kick his ass."

He sighed and nodded, wrapping his arms around John's waist and burying his face into his side. John wasn't going to get hurt, he promised himself that. If John was in trouble, he'd sacrifice himself to save him, no doubt about it. After all, the only reason Lee would have to mess with John is to get to Alexander, at least that was what he told himself.

And it made sense, but John knew better. Lee tormented Alexander because he liked guys, right? So what was there to say that Lee won't be messing with him and his friends for the same reason, assuming that he ever saw him again. He knew he'd have to keep an eye out for him, now that he was close enough to find them.

"When you went to school with him, was that nearby?.."

"Not really.. It was a disciplinary school that I had to go to for a while because no public high school would let me attend otherwise.. It wasn't much, just a bunch of kids with issues all put together. Me and Martha stayed at one of her friend's houses while I went there, but we came back on weekends. She thought it was going to be good for me, since the teachers were used to handling kids who were like me, and those were the ones who could control their actions... Anyways, I met Lee while I was there, near the end of the time that was required by any other high school and I decided I wanted to be there longer at first because we got along at first.. Then I changed my mind and I got to switch schools when he started.. You know.."

John nodded and held Alexander a bit closer. He could relate to the kind of daily torture that Alexander went through dealing with Lee.

"I guess they finally let him out.. I don't know if he's going to our school or another nearby high school.."

John hoped just as much as Alexander that he was going to attend a different school, but he knew the odds of that actually being true were slim to none. He leaned down and kissed the top of Alexander's head, running his fingers through his hair. He laid back against the couch and pulled Alexander down beside him, opening his laptop and putting on a movie.

Alexander sighed and took in John's scent one more time before turning his head and watching it with him. Just another Disney movie.. "Can.. Can we watch something else?.."

"Yeah, of course."

He usually didn't mind watching Disney movies with John, he never asked to watch something else before, but seeing these characters live their happiest lives... He wasn't in the mood.

John put on Captain America: The First Avenger and held Alexander close, running his fingers through his hair as the movie played.

Before long, Alexander fell asleep and John was quick to follow, shifting in his sleep and cuddling him properly. When he woke up, he looked down and smiled, kissing the top of Alexander's head and turning off the movie. He carefully shifted and sat up, scooping up Alexander in his arms and taking him to his bed, laying him down before going to the kitchen and making lunch, just some quick sandwiches. He ate his and put the rest in the fridge before going back to his room and laying beside Alexander, his boyfriend immediately wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Stop leaving me.."

He smiled, feeling his heart melt. "I'm sorry.. I was just eating. I'm here to stay now."

"Good.." He buried his face in his chest and sighed. "Why does life have to be so hard?.."

"I don't know.. But he harder it is, the better it is when we bounce back.

Alexander sighed and buried his face in John’s chest. He didn’t want to bounce back... He wanted to just get past all of the hard stuff and be happy with John. He thought he was done dealing with his share of hardships, that the hurricane and Charles Lee and even Thomas Jefferson was enough for one person. That losing his mom and dealing with his father and his disgusting friends was enough for John to deal with. Where was their happy ending?..

[fromtheringapron]

WWE Survivor Series 2006

Date: November 26, 2006.

Location: Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 

Attendance: 15,400.

Commentary: Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler (Raw), Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield (SmackDown!).

Results: 

1. Survivor Series Elimination Match: Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Ron Simmons, and Sgt. Slaughter (with Arn Anderson) defeated The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, and Mikey) (with Mitch). Flair was the sole survivor. 

2. WWE United States Championship Match: Chris Benoit (champion) defeated Chavo Guerrero (with Vickie Guerrero). 

3. WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James defeated Lita (champion). 

4. Survivor Series Elimination Match: Team DX (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, and CM Punk) defeated Team RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Gregory Helms, Johnny Nitro, and Mike Knox) (with Melina and Kelly Kelly). All of Team DX survived. 

5. First Blood Match: Mr. Kennedy defeated The Undertaker. 

6. Survivor Series Elimination Match: John Cena, Bobby Lashley, Kane, Rob Van Dam, and Sabu defeated Big Show, MVP, Test, and Finlay (with Armando Alejandro Estrada). Cena and Lashley were the survivors. 

7. World Heavyweight Championship Match: Batista defeated King Booker (champion) (with Queen Sharmell).

My Review

I remember ordering Survivor Series 2006 on pay-per-view being weirdly hyped for it. I don’t know why; I just saw a lot of potential in the card, I guess. Sure enough, the show fell well below my expectations and I quickly disavowed it and never rewatched it again until recently. So how do I feel about it in 2020, our year of the Lord? Well, it’s not horrendous or anything, but it’s still not good. Some important-ish things happen and I still think there was potential here for this show to be so much better; it just feels like not a whole lot of effort was put into it.

If the show can’t shake its staidness, it’s certainly not done any favors by its main event. The feud between Batista and King Booker was WWE’s attempt at cashing in on the real-life heat between the two, but it never caught fire in translation. By all means, it should’ve worked. Batista was in his prime and Booker was enjoying one of the best stretches of his career yet it ultimately became a case of the two guys simply not meshing. Their match here is just a whole bunch of whatever to me. What should be the satisfying culmination of Batista’s year-long road back to the World Heavyweight title is instead anticlimactic. It feels more like an epilogue tacked on to a novel than an epic final chapter.

The most enjoyable part of the show is easily Team DX vs. Team RKO, which is a squash match single-handedly elevated by the charisma of its participants. Team DX —Triple H, HBK, CM Punk, and The Hardy Boyz — is often mentioned in the discussion of greatest Survivor Series teams of all time and that’s pretty difficult to argue against. It’s such an iconic group overflowing with star power that watching them share a ring together feels truly special. The Philly crowd is well-aware of the moment too and they don’t let it go to waste. A part of me would’ve wanted to see a more competitive match, and the potential was definitely there, but the trade-off is a surge of energy that’s much needed at the midpoint of the show.

The remainder of the card mostly ranges from forgettable to downright offensive. The other elimination matches here are fun sprints, but they embrace the worst qualities of the match’s modern iterations. Granted, I’m a traditionalist who thinks the elimination matches should always be the focus of the Survivor Series, but I do think at a baseline they shouldn’t feel like everyone is trying to get it over with as fast as possible and that’s the vibe I get here. Elsewhere, Chris Benoit and Chavo Guerrero square off over Eddie Guerrero’s namesake, whose death is still being sadly exploited for storylines a full year after the fact. The lowest moment, though, is the tasteless sendoff for Lita in her retirement match. In a way, there’s something admirable about Lita wanting to go out like a complete heel, but having her slut-shamed and her items put up for grabs in a “Hoe Sale” isn’t it, and it’s ultimately flat-out disrespectful to one of the most influential women in WWE history.

Overall, Survivor Series 2006 has all the ingredients yet it can’t bring them all together to make a great show. One look at the card may have you think otherwise but in the history of WWE’s Thanksgiving tradition, this is the equivalent of a fake colorful gourd you stuff in a cornucopia⏤it looks good, but don’t be fooled; the taste is underwhelming.

My Random Notes

I’d like to reject the notion that JBL was ever funny on color commentary. Maybe I’m alone here, but I find him super obnoxious? I get that’s he’s trying to channel Jesse Ventura; it’s just that he unfortunately translates that into yelling a lot without saying any good soundbites.

It’s hard to not look at Test here and feel sad. There’s the steroid bloat, yeah, but he just seems tired, almost like he’s phoning it in at some indy show.

Vickie Guerrero is pretty early into her heel run at this point so she’s nowhere near as over-the-top as she’d later become, but I do like her cold Real Housewives energy here. There’s that one moment in the video package where she says “Hi, Chris” so frigidly that I had to check my nose for frostbite.

Speaking of Chris, it’s already tough to stomach watching Eddie Guerrero’s death exploited for storylines, but it’s especially so to watch Benoit get involved when you know how badly Eddie’s death fucked him up. And, yes, I do have that Dark Side of the Ring episode on my mind. That was some seriously haunting shit. 

Fun fact: Ric Flair is undefeated in Survivor Series elimination matches, having been the sole survivor in two of them 15 years apart. The more you know!

Dusty Rhodes pinned Dolph Ziggler on a pay-per-view in 2006. Also the more you know!

A huge yikes @ the chair shot Taker gives Mr. Kennedy. No way that would fly now. Hell, it wouldn’t even fly less than year after this.

The Mickie James face turn truly happened outta nowhere, huh? I just remember there was one episode of Raw when she lost the Women’s title to Lita and — bam! — suddenly she’s a face, as if she wasn’t threatening Trish Stratus that she’d dismember Ashley Massaro less than six months prior.

I have little recollection of an MVP/Mr. Kennedy alliance, but it does seem like the most mid ‘00s WWE thing to happen. Remember when these two guys absolutely felt like the future faces of the company? The lost generation, indeed.

Alas, here we bare witness to the final days of The Spirit Squad. A night later, they’d be squashed by DX and literally sent back to OVW in a crate. To this day, I’ve never got the hate for them, other than it’s clearly a mid ‘90s WWF gimmick stuck in a mid ‘00s WWE. I used to think was the most obnoxious person on the roster, which I guess means they did their job well.

[junker-town]

Spoiler alert

We have that and more in Sunday’s NBA newsletter.

We’ve been dreaming of the second round of the Eastern Conference playoffs for months. The Nuggets tanked a game in the final weekend of the regular season to set up a preferable secound round match-up. But looking ahead isn’t always wise for fans or teams. Witness what happened Saturday with three upsets in four games.

First, the Nets beat the Sixers, who have to be concerned about Joel Embiid’s injury and didn’t get much out of Ben Simmons, Tobias Harris, or J.J. Redick. Then the Magic shocked the Raptors in a helluva game -- D.J. Augustin nailed the fantastic game-winning three. The Game 1 curse continues!

In the nightcap, the Spurs held on to beat the Nuggets behind a suffocating defense that locked up Nikola Jokic (who finished with a triple-double but just 10 points) and closed out on shooters.

The Warriors did blow out the Clippers, so lower seeds didn’t go undefeated on Day 1 of the 2019 NBA playoffs. Ah well.

We’ll see if the upsets continue on Day 2 and beyond, or whether everyone just had some opening day jitters and expectations will come back to roost.

Scores

Nets 111, Sixers 102 Brooklyn leads 1-0

Magic 104, Raptors 101 Orlando leads 1-0

Clippers 104, Warriors 121 Golden State leads 1-0

Spurs 101, Nuggets 96 San Antonio leads 1-0

Schedule

Pacers at Celtics, 1, TNT Thunder at Blazers, 3:30, ABC Pistons at Bucks, 7, TNT Jazz at Rockets, 9:30, TNT

Links

Paul Flannery’s first playoffs Sunday Shootaround is on the Celtics, who will now get to be whoever they actually are.

The Kings officially named Luke Walton their new head coach less than 24 hours after the Lakers dismissed him. There’s something nice about knowing exactly who you want and landing him without hesitation. There’s also something a little weird about marrying the first coach you meet. The Kings did something similar with Dave Joerger two years ago, and we see how that worked out.

There was a mini-controversy over Amir Johnson having a cell phone on the bench of the Sixers’ game against the Nets. According to Joel Embiid, Johnson’s daughter is quite sick and he was checking on her. Still, the Sixers admonished Johnson and fined him. Huh.

John Gonzalez on the Sixers getting their bells rung in Game 1.

Six highlights from Game 1 that show Steph Curry’s supreme arrogance.

Pretty good double ejection from Kevin Durant and Patrick Beverley. Durant being happy is a little weird considering this is like trading a queen for a knight. But the Warriors were up comfortably and he really does not like Bev. Perhaps this can be the common cause that reunites KD and Russell Westbrook.

One other note on Durant picking up two technicals in Game 1 of the first round: you get a one game suspension after seven techs in the playoffs. Remember that Draymond Green’s 2016 Finals suspension was a cumulative punishment. Something worth watching.

The coaches’ association has voted Mike Budenholzer their Coach of the Year. The coaches have picked the same winner as the media the last two years (though in 2017 Mike D’Antoni and Erik Spoelstra tied in coaches’ voting and D’Antoni won the media vote).

How Blake Griffin, budding comedian and actor, has adjusted to living far away from Hollywood.

Michael Pina interviewed David Griffin on a wide range of subjects right before he got named the new POBO of the Pelicans. Yes, we’re going to make POBO a thing. President of basketball operations.

Heavens, Steven Adams is funny.

How Greg Oden fell into alcoholism and fought his way back out.

The dude Alex Wong in the New York Times on NBA photographers doin’ it for the ‘Gram.

Be excellent to each other.

[junker-town]

Tuesday was the night James Harden finally became president

We have that and more in Wednesday’s NBA newsletter.

James Harden had a 60-point triple-double against Orlando on Tuesday. Holy smokes. It’s the first 60-point triple-double ever, and one of only eight 50-point triple-doubles ever. Russell Westbrook had the highest scoring triple-double ever at 57 points before this, picking it up last March against, oh huh, Orlando. The Magic: facilitators of history.

Harden now has three of the five highest scoring triple-doubles ever. It’s a new career high for Harden as well (and a Rockets team record), and perhaps most importantly it saved Houston’s bacon as the team was missing Chris Paul and Trevor Ariza and lost Eric Gordon early.

Here’s Ethan Rothstein on the incredible performance and how it situates Harden atop the MVP leaderboard again. The dagger stepback three was just incredible.

Scores Galore ...

OKC 96, WAS 102 BKN 95, NYK 111 MIN 104, TOR 109 CLE 114, DET 125 ORL 107, HOU 114 SAC 114, NOP 103 DEN 104, SAS 106 GSW 99, UTA 129 POR 104, LAC 96

... And So Much More

Yep, the Warriors lost by 30 to the Jazz. Salt Lake City nightlife is undefeated!

Yep, the Cavaliers lost to a Pistons team missing half its players due to the Blake Griffin trade. (The Cavaliers also lost Kevin Love for six weeks due to a hand fracture. Yikes.)

Yep, the Pelicans lost to the third-worst team in the NBA, a second straight loss since losing DeMarcus Cousins.

The league announced Andre Drummond as the injury replacement for John Wall in the All-Star Game. Now they’ll have to replace Love, as well. It will be the next highest vote-getter from the Eastern Conference coaches’ vote. We don’t know for sure who that would be, but Kemba Walker or Goran Dragic seems like a good bet. (Ben Simmons is next on many lists, but there are a number of folks philosophically opposed to putting rookies on All-Star teams, so he’s probably lower than you’d think on the list.)

Zito Madu writes that Blake Griffin should have made sure he got a no-trade clause in re-signing with the Clippers. You wonder if -- had he been successful in doing that -- L.A. wouldn’t even have broached trade talks with Detroit or anyone during the season. There’s too much potential for melodrama. Better to do it in the summer.

I wrote about the Clippers’ big swing and how they appear not to be satisfied with playoff berths any more. This is the beginning of a full rebuild, in my estimation: not an attempt to retool on the fly.

Here’s the great Lee Jenkins on the teardown of Lob City, and the great Zach Lowe on how the Griffin trade affects the prospects of both squads.

All hail Trae Young.

Ken Berger says it’s worse than you think in Cleveland. To wit: he reports that franchise owner Dan Gilbert is running the front office and has a very close relationship with Isaiah Thomas. Yikes!

The Bulls were trying to trade Nikola Mirotic to the Pelicans for Omer Asik and a first-round pick. Tying into the above Griffin narrative, Mirotic has a de-facto no-trade clause because he signed a 1-year deal with a team option. Mirotic insisted -- as is his contractual right -- the second year get guaranteed before he approved a trade. The Pelicans didn’t want to pay him $12 million next year -- the trade was meant to clear space and get a solid big man for the rest of this year. So the trade fell apart.

All 30 teams are participating in Vegas Summer League, if you wanted plans for July.

Absolutely wild story out of D.C.Catholic high school basketball involving shady free throws and Under Armour money.

ESPN has Knicks-Celtics at 8 p.m. ET and Mavericks-Suns at 10:30. The only League Pass game in which both teams have winning records is Miami-Cleveland at 7:30. Take a night off, you deserve it.

Be excellent to each other.

[junker-town]

The stories of the 5 smallest countries to make the World Cup before Iceland

Iceland is by far the country with the smallest population to ever make the World Cup, but who held the record before them?

With their 2-0 win over Kosovo on Tuesday, Iceland became the smallest country to qualify for the men’s World Cup. By quite some distance, too — with a population of just 334,000, they’re roughly a quarter of the size of the country whose record they broke, Trinidad & Tobago.

Here, we look back at the other tiny countries that have qualified for the World Cup, and how they got on. But first, a word for ...

Paraguay, 1930

... who had, at the time of the first World Cup, a population of around 850,000. However, they’re not strictly eligible for comparison, as they didn’t have to qualify. Instead, FIFA just asked everybody if they fancied it. Since it was being held in Uruguay, most of South America said yes.

Small they may have been, but Paraguay went into the competition with a bit of a reputation. They’d finished second in the 1929 South American Championship, the precursor of the Copa América, and beaten a full-strength Uruguay in the process. However, when it came to the World Cup they ran into the surprise package of the tournament, the USA (pop. 123m), and lost their opening game 3-0.

Partial revenge for the little guy came in the next game against Belgium (pop. 8m). Tricky winger Luis Vargas Peña scored the only goal of the game, as both teams departed the competition. Incidentally the eventual winners, Uruguay, had a population of about 1.75m at the time. Which isn’t bad going.

Slovenia, 2002 (pop. 1.99m)

The fifth smallest nation to qualify for a World Cup did so just ten years after gaining independence from Yugoslavia. And they did so in fairly impressive fashion, progressing undefeated through a group containing not only the nation they’d just left, but also Switzerland (7.25m) and Russia (145.3m). Five wins and five draws put them through to a playoff against Romania, and a 3-2 aggregate win sent them to Japan-South Korea.

The early noughties was something of a golden age for Slovenian football, thanks in large part to the double act of manager Srečko Katanec and attacking midfielder Zlatko Zahovič. At Euro 2000 they’d finished bottom of their group, but they’d punched above their weight, most notably in a 3-3 draw against Yugoslavia. Sadly, in 2002 they could only repeat the position, not the performances.

The opening game against Spain (41.8m) ended with a 3-1 loss, and while there’s no shame in losing to Iker Casillas, Carles Puyol, Fernando Hierro and the rest, tempers frayed. Zahovič had been taken off after 63 minutes, and it’s fair to say he didn’t take it well:

“I can buy all of you, I can buy the whole association, I can buy Smarna Gora [Katanec's home town]. I can't stay in a team like this where you [Katanec] will substitute me in a game like this in the World Cup.”

He was sent home early, and Katanec announced that he would resign following the end of the tournament. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t take long: Slovenia lost 1-0 to South Africa (45.9m), 3-1 to Paraguay (5.5m), and left without a point to their names.

Kuwait, 1982 (pop. 1.5m)

There are several paths to footballing immortality. The most obvious is victory, ideally in some style and preferably against the odds. But the odds are the odds for a reason, and for a country as small as Kuwait, actually winning the World Cup isn’t always an option. So they chose another, perhaps more noble path: a permanent place in those 50 World Cup Funniest Moments, Ever!!! programs that crop up every four years.

Having qualified in convincing style, Kuwait were drawn into a tricky group with France (55.9m) and England (approx. 46m), They needed to make the most of their opening game against Czechoslovakia (approx. 10.3m), but could only manage a draw after going behind to a dubious penalty. Perhaps dubious officiating was on their minds when they went into the next game against France.

Not that officiating was to blame for the result, as such. France’s brilliant midfield (Platini, Giresse, Six) dominated the game, and the Europeans were 3-0 up after just 48 minutes. Then they scored a fourth ... or did they? The Kuwait defence, rooted to the spot, claimed to have heard a whistle.

The ensuing argument grew so heated that Prince Fahad, then-president of the Kuwaiti FA, descended from the stands to pull his side from the game. Eventually, and much to the confusion of the French, the goal was ruled out and the game restarted with a drop ball. It made no difference in the end: France got their fourth, Kuwait couldn’t manage a comeback, and went on to lose 1-0 to England.

For his part in the mess, Fahad was fined about £8,000. The referee, one Miroslav Stupar, never officiated at the World Cup again. Kuwait haven’t yet returned to the World Cup, and are presently suspended from FIFA for governmental interference, which probably counts as irony. Still, the talking heads of British list television will always have the footage, and that’s what really matters.

Northern Ireland, 1958 (pop. 1.4m)

Now, here’s some top-class plucky-little-team-up-against-the-big-lads behaviour. Northern Ireland weren’t really supposed to qualify for the 1958 World Cup, since they were in a group with double-world champions Italy (49.1m) and only one team would go through. But qualify they did, thanks to a draw in Portugal (8.7m) and the complete collapse of the Italians’ away form.

Then, having been drawn into a group with World Cup holders West Germany (54.2m), Argentina (19.9m), and a pretty decent Czechoslovakia (approx. 9m), they weren’t supposed to make much of an impact. But they won their opener against the Czechs, had chances against Argentina before eventually losing, and then nearly beat the Germans, eventually settling for a 2-2. They finished level with Czechoslovakia on points, and that meant a playoff. Goal difference hadn’t been invented yet.

An extra game was exactly what Northern Ireland didn’t need. Injuries were piling up, most notably first-choice goalkeeper Harry Gregg. Naturally his replacement, Norman Uprichard, broke a bone in his hand early in the game. The knocks kept coming — substitutes hadn’t been invented either — and by the time extra time rolled around, Ireland were effectively down to eight men. But in the 97th minute, Peter McParland poked home a Danny Blanchflower cross, and they somehow held on.

Yes, they got thrashed by France (44.6m) in the quarters, but come on. Gregg was back in goal, despite needing a walking stick to get around the team hotel. How many miracles do you want?

Trinidad & Tobago, 2006 (pop. 1.3m)

It’s a shame we have to end like this, but there’s no getting away from it. Perhaps Iceland’s qualification, as well as being a nice story in its own right, will help the footballing community finally achieve some closure. Because previously, the smallest country to attend the World Cup ended up victim of one of its greatest injustices.

Germany, 2006. Trinidad & Tobago, overseen by veteran Polish coach Leo Beenhakker, anchored by Dwight Yorke, and stocked with journeymen from the English lower leagues, have qualified for their nation’s first World Cup. Having come through a playoff against Bahrain (even smaller, at 960k), they take on a Sweden (9m) side featuring Henrik Larsson, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, and Freddie Ljungberg ... and hold out for a draw.

Then, the big one. England (50.4m). John Terry and Rio Ferdinand; Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard; David Beckham. And once again, the Soca Warriors prove obdurate opponents. The minutes tick by — 60, 70, 80 — and still the game is stuck at 0-0. Then, with 83 minutes gone, Beckham slings in a booming cross from the right, and the ignominious villain of the piece, Peter Crouch, takes hold of his marker’s dreadlocks and levers himself into the air to nod home the opening goal.

Were this fiction, one might almost find the symbolism overwhelming, even trite. The six foot seven Crouch, reduced to playground hairpulling. Resource-rich, population heavy England, indulging in such desperate chicanery. The defender in question, Brent Sancho, later described Crouch as “the most hated Englishman in the history of Trinidad and Tobago,” though naturally the imperialist mouthpiece that is the BBC claimed he was joking.

Anyway, Gerrard added a second late on, and then Trinidad & Tobago went on to lose to Paraguay (5.9m). Would they have won had Crouch, and England, not broken their hearts and soiled the competition? We’ll never know.

Iceland, 2018 (pop. 334,000)

There will be clapping.

Dear world! See you in Russia 2018 #WorldCup #Iceland #Huh ! http://pic.twitter.com/qD45YoYSii

— RÚV Íþróttir (@ruvithrottir) October 9, 2017