#so the first drawing in months is me and my bf slay

[mochiiparadise]

WHY HELLO…

[yakugrizzly]

Dear me,

I know you are not okay and happiness is only a temporary event, but I am that part of your mind that already slayed situations in a way you can be fucking proud of.

Start easy. Back in school, you were always the one that no matter how few you worked for the group project, you could stand before 30 people and improvise a 10 minutes presentation about a topic you had 5 minutes to prepare for. It’s okay that it was the same 30 people that caused you to panic before you entered the class room at all. It’s okay that you avoided these situations. It’s okay that you sometimes went home to hide in video games or talked to the social worker about happier things.

And man, I know you were a kid when you fell in love for the first time. You loved her with all your guts. Her face was the sky and her laughter the sun. She was the most beautiful woman on earth. You could never draw her, the drawing would never even get close to reality.

You were impressed by yourself when one year had passed and your feelings hadn’t changed. You were again, when it counted three years. You got desperate when it were five years. You lost your shit when it was seven years. You were ready to give the world to her, and she knew. I know she told you she wants you in her life, you are that one special person she could never disclaim and she wants to grow old with you. Oh girl, little did you know she is a coward. She made empty promises and let you pay for them. It’s okay. Your domestic moments and your love was what kept the ‘friendship’ of yours together. But it had never been more. She was afraid to let you go because you were her safety pillow. Let it go. It’s okay. She is not worth your time anymore. You can see it when she is not strong enough to hold eye contact in a normal conversation or picks up a fight whenever possible. You did not use to fight, you were the perfect team. But it was all your work, not hers. You watched her living her life throughout your whole puberty and personality development. I know it hurts, but the person you thought she were will never come back. Let her go. You survived years of self torture, you can survive the aftermath as well.

Take care, please. The pressure you put yourself under is not healthy. You can create and craft amazing things. Look back at the armors you built! I know you want to do more but now is not the time for that. Once your apartment is in a better condition and you earn some money, you will be able to afford all the materials for Pharah and Volibear. Maybe you can work on Yaku along the way, but do not set time goals you cannot achieve. There is no need to do so.

I know you worked on that book like a beast. For a very long time you had no clue how to start and when 3 months of work were done, you had do re-start all over because the files had small errors that couldn’t be solved. Did that bring you down? No. Did that make you overwork yourself and catch a cold and several panic attacks? Yes. Don’t overwork yourself. It’s okay to need time. It’s not okay to leave yourself hanging.

You were so afraid to fall in love again. Lexa told you that making decisions and standing behind them is important, and all these Clexa fanfics you read were the perfect opportunity to not throw away your emotions. I know you wanted to, but I guess my screaming and kicking was enough for you to not block everything out. Your family and friends cursed you for staying in bed from morning to night. Always reading, drawing or crying. But Honey, that’s what a breakup is about. You felt like shit, and it is okay. You don’t shut out the person you loved above everything and deal with it like it’s nothing. I’m proud you did not give up. And I am proud that you gave him a chance. He knew a lot of the ways you felt, he knew what it’s like to have a non-supporting family. He texted you about The 100, you rewatched the series together. He was the only person to understand what was going on. In every aspect.

And you panicked and cried the first time he wanted to touch you. You were so afraid. You told him. It was okay. Hear me? It’s okay to be in fear after what happened at the beach when you were 11. And I am proud you said ‘No’ this time. You didn’t fail. He honestly respects and loves you. You already made the biggest step. And it’s still okay when it’s too much sometimes. Talk to him. Always. He understands.

You are not alone. You will heal. There are people out there to remind you, even if they are 7000 or even 10.000 km away. Even when they are 10 years older or younger than you. And you got a great basis. Once your and your bf’s jobs are settled, money won’t be a problem for the first time in your lives. You can build cosplays, you can go to ClexaCon, you can invite your friends and pay their flights. And if you ever feel alone again, remember that army we created.