#so yay. this week's tasks successful and i have nothing to worry about for a while and a potential job

[beaversatemygrandma]

My power has been out for the last 6 hours. And I have these fairy lights in my room that like to turn on their random settings as soon as they get plugged in. Well. I'm sitting here. Waiting. Apparently they FINALLY got workers out there and they're doing something. And suddenly, my room lights up with the lights. Just turning on. Then Off. RAPIDLY. For like 20 seconds. My eyes hurt. If i had epilepsy, that would've been triggered. Then 10 minutes pass. Nothing. They're silent. Then they Do It Again. My eyes Hurt. I unplug them and flick the switch on for my ceiling light.

And then as I am typing this, the ceiling light turned on and scared the shit out of me. We're live again. I have been sitting in the dark with a candle and my eyes were not ready for this.

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

[ohcoolnice]

Late

It’s a full story, I swear it’s just...I can’t figure out a title so we’re gonna just title each chapter. Also, each chapter’s title may seem like it connects to an insignificant detail, but it has deeper meaning. I’m known for my especially angsty works. MWAHAHAHAHA. 

SUMMARY: 

Marinette seriously just cannot afford mistakes, so, naturally, there are so, so, so many. First, four of their models call in sick, thanks to the lovely flu going around, meaning they don’t have anyone to model for most of their women’s pieces. Then, Adrien’s bright idea to have Marinette model her own pieces gets approved by Gabriel, and, obviously, it all backfires spectacularly-on him.***This is set in the future, The character’s are 19 and 20-ish. it’s all messed up tho bc i can’t figure out timelines so whatever. 

(THIS  CHAPTER IS A BIT BAcKSTORY, But also plot yay :) 

-----

Marinette could not afford to have anything go wrong today.

The new Gabriel HERO™ Collection was going to launch in two days, and with the delay she’d experienced last week with the fit models, she’d only gotten Gabriel’s approval on the final designs three days ago, stayed up all night to do the flats and came in the next day, sleep deprived and sure she’d have a heart attack with the amount of caffeine she’d consumed.

The department had been a great help. Ellie had agreed to touch up some small errors Marinette had made will working on the flats at four in the morning, enlisting Jonah, who was a wizard with Illustrator, to help her.

Samantha was great with construction, she knew every single stitch, and Marinette was sure she’d invented at least twenty of her own. She could work fast without making any errors, all the while making the rounds and helping anyone and everyone.

Marinette oversaw everything. Technically, on paper, she was an Intern. But she had been working with Gabriel for three years now, and not even out of Fashion School yet. At seventeen she’d begun interning, still surprised she’d got it, though she suspected guiltily that Adrien Agreste may have had some influence over the matter once he’d congratulated her when she’d never told him in the first place. They barely even spoke. Every so often she had nights where she felt so bad, maybe taking some other more talented girl’s spot only because she had gone to school with the designer’s son, that she would cry and sob until she passed out from exhaustion. It didn’t help she heard it often.

She learned to ignore comments and overtime the public perception of her grew more positive as people began to see her designs once Gabriel became her Mentor and put her in charge of design for several collections. She knew people knew her name as she often accompanied Gabriel to shows, taking notes on the pieces but also making notes on every work that came from Gabriel’s mouth, but she didn’t want to be too known. Even in fashion school, most of her classmates, obsessed with knowing everything about the fashion world, didn’t know who she was, just that she interned with Gabriel, perhaps. Marinette liked it that way. She wasn’t a big fan of too much attention. She preferred if she could wait until she graduated to make a name for herself.

Gabriel had admitted, in an awkward moment once two years ago, that he wasn’t overly sure as to why he decided to become a mentor to the baker’s daughter, but he remarked on the similarities he saw in his younger self and her.

She didn’t really believe him. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen him smile, not once, even when she knew he was kind of proud of the work she was doing. Over the years she’d come to notice it wasn’t hard to read his expressions- okay, it was hard, just not impossible- once you’d spent enough time studying him. And Marinette took note of everything he did. Alya often wondered aloud how the designer wasn’t creeped out by her.

Marinette didn’t know how she could possibly be like Gabriel. He showed no emotion on most occasion, but she was the complete opposite. Another reason why the media often wondered what it was he saw in a seventeen-year-old intern. He knew her designing and construction skills from the competition she’d won three years prior, but that was really all he’d seen up until her portfolio, which she’d snuck onto one night before the leaving on what was supposed to be the last day of her internship. The eight days after that where she’d heard nothing had been the most depressing days of her life. Then she’d gotten a call from Nathalie, Gabriel’s assistant, asking her to come in, and she almost passed out. She’d cried so hard after that Alya had thought Marinette’s parents had died. Sometimes she wondered how Alya came up with the conclusions she did.

Everything afterwards hadn’t been smooth sailing, but it was all incredible. Every stressful task was worth it. She was being paid as an intern, since there weren’t technically any positions available at the time. There since had been some, but she didn’t dare ask for a raise. She liked being able to do everything without being confined to the title of “designer” or “dressmaker” or whatnot. She liked doing all of it. The customer service, the finances in accounting (she was terrible at it, but overly grateful), and obviously out of everything, the hands-on fashion was her favorite, but she was getting to experience working in every single aspect of one of the most successful Fashion Companies in the entire world, under the tutelage of Gabriel Agreste himself. She really didn’t think she deserved to be that lucky.

Of course, there were times where she’d broken down at two in the morning, struggling to finish an assignment while balancing school as well. Gabriel had the sort of connections where she was able to miss classes and take them at home thanks to a recording of the class, and while she utilized it, she didn’t really prefer it. She liked being in the class and learning hands on, in an environment electrified by the excitement of young adults itching to get out there and create art. She also knew she did tend to do the work for Gabriel before her studies, and it often resulted in stress and a rush the complete assignments and projects.

If she’d ever felt stress before, it was nothing in relation to the stress of the last two years. And even that was nothing in comparison to the stress of being late to a photo shoot that needed to be perfect because the entire goddamn collection would be public in two days and if she wasn’t ready, no amount of fondness Gabriel had come to feel for the girl would be able to save her job. This was a HUGE deal.

Her car pulled into her spot and she grabbed her things and breakfast for the crew. Next to her, Alya, who had taken the day off to help her best friend, took the trays and boxes from her hand and pushed her towards the entrance. “You’re already late girl, get out of here!”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She pressed her hands together, blessing her friend for being so helpful, before rushing inside, hands full with the last pieces she’d finished last night before, thankfully, getting a good night’s sleep. She was glad the people from Vogue wouldn’t have to see her when she looked as if she’d been attacked by a bear and hit by a train. She didn’t want to wear makeup and risk the chance of feeling anything uncomfortable enough to distract her from her work.

She struggled with the door, grateful when she saw a glimpse of Adrien walking past inside from behind the garment bags covering her view. She knocked on the glass and the door opened a few seconds later.

“Thank ymph.” Her voice muffled behind the garment bags were met with a chuckle from Adrien as she felt the weight in her arms lessen a bit.

“Let me help you, Marinette, you look like you’ve got your hands full.” She gave him a blank look.

“That wasn’t even good. I don’t even know if that can be counted as a pun.” They were almost at the dressing station now, people rushed about, voices mixing as people rushed to prepare the stations and models. Chloe Bourgeois was the only superhero who had shared her identity, so, unfortunately, she would be modeling for the Queen Bee themed women’s pieces. Thankfully that was not until later.

“It can so be counted as a pun. But I’ll spare you because you’re so busy today. I’ll just have to write down my puns and attack you with them later.” She laughed softly, shaking her head as she gently let the bags rest on a table, hanging them up one by one as she took them out of the bags. Adrien’s eyes widened. “Oh wow. These are incredible Marinette. This is- wow.” He looked at her, his eyes sparking with…admiration? She wasn’t sure, but either way she didn’t understand his reaction. She was proud of her work, yes, but she hadn’t expected Adrien of all people to be so impressed by them.

“Thank you.” She replied, ducking her head to hide her blush. No, she had work to do. Focus, Marinette.

“So y-” She shushed him, placing a finger to his lips as he widened his eyes, face warming as he stared, cross-eyed at the finger on his lips.

“Nope, no talking. Let’s go, Hair and Makeup Chat Noir.” His face paled and he stammered and she raised a brow. “Adrien! Your father wants you as Chat Noir, so please don’t make me tell him you can’t do it and we have to find someone else because we really don’t have the time and I really don’t want to have that conversation with him.” He seemed to relax ever so slightly, the color returning to his face. Odd.

“Yeah, sorry, sure. I’ll go be Pat- I mean Chat!” He huffed in frustration and dragged a hand over his face tiredly, emerging with a weak smile that, despite getting over her crush ages ago, still sent her stomach into a frenzy. She pushed down the feeling and giggled. “Sorry, I’m tired.”

“We all are don’t worry. You’re just lucky it doesn’t show because this only can be done today. Now go before I kill you because I am very busy.” She scolded him and pushed him off as he tried to speak, hitting him with the papers in her hand. He laughed and stumbled out, turning to watch her walk back to her station, lost in her work, with a smile on his face.

As he turned to make his way to Hair and Makeup, he narrowly dogged Alya and she ran her way to Marinette, calling, “Hey, Blondie!” as she ran past.

“Who am I to you, Rapunzel?” He called back, eyes following her and landing back on Marinette, smiling with relief as her best friend arrived with food for the crew and Marinette’s purse. 

She’d really seemed to come into her own skin these last few years. For at least three years it was so hard for them to hang out. She was so awkward and stumbled over her words around him. Slowly it began to change and improve, and he found himself spending more time with her and his own mood began to improve as he did. He’d spent lots of time with her before, wearing the mask. He would steal her food and they would talk, laugh, play video games, board games. He loved watching her design and sketch. It was peaceful for him, hanging out with her as Chat Noir. It never was as Adrien. It bore down on him, kept him awake at night, not that he realized that until things changed, and he found himself able to hang out with her both in and out of costume. He realized how awful it was when he wasn’t sure if Marinette hated him or not. She was so different with him in his different personalities that he’d worried about it constantly, without even knowing it. It was all so confusing.

Looking at Marinette now, he felt a smile tug at his lips and a flutter in his heart.

She really was special. He couldn’t ask for a better friend.

[rusalkii]

It’s Friday, I’ve mostly even been okay at being a human and everything, yay me.

I... was mostly even productive and on top of things and didn’t procrastinate this week? I did the fucking paperwork. Moved in, unpacked, etc. Did follow-up with the pre-interview people: they didn’t notice I’ve submitted anything. Homework was minimal but I’ve been doing week-long assignments 1-2 days after we cover the material for them. Need to KEEP DOING THAT. I have not been doing recommended textbook reading, which is not ideal, but also this week has just been weird (where by weird I mean “I have had an 1.5 hour commute every day and I am refusing to do homework around my partners because they’re leaving and actually endorse this action”, so I don’t actually expect this particular set of circumstances to repeat.). Mostly succeeded at doing daily lists: ideally I’ll be doing one every day, even on days where the content isn’t substantive or high-priority. Mostly even succeeded at following my daily lists. Generally been decent at “here’s a small tasks, I have time, guess I can get this out the way”.Not doing this causes so many of my problems, please please please let me keep this.

My conclusion about accommodations: How About I Ignore The Concept, This Will Definitely Be Fine. Uh, realistically the things I might get are extended time on tests, which is worse than useless (need to schedule each test individually, which sounds like ef hell); a notetaker, which in theory sounds great but historically has not improved on having lecture slides available; recordings of the classes, which I have for one class anyway and... might? help in the ones I don’t. What I want is not to have those bullshit two-minute graded worksheet questions in Discrete which I can never get into my head properly in two minutes and end up frantically copying down my answer from notepaper while the professor is lecturing because we’re not allowed to erase or cross anything out on the actual answer sheet. However I somehow doubt I will be able to get out of this in any manner that does not make life actively worse.

On a related note, holy shit can I not pay attention during class. Sewing during helps but also makes me look fucking insane. I’m gonna do it anyway because having something to do with my hands is just enough stimulation for me not to zone out whether I’m on my phone or not, but also: ugh. I suppose there’s “””communicating with my professors”””” or something. It would probably be a good idea to just straight up leave my phone in my dorm, but then I’d have nothing to do between classes. Paper books? I did not use the soft blocking app this week but I will next week, I’ve just set myself a reminder (It’s an app that “plants” a tree and if you navigate away from the page it kills your tree and this Incredibly Motivating because of who I am as a person). Writing down everything I was thinking did not help, because it turns out that having usable notes is useful or something.

Saw some people and was not a total hermit, but I keep dodging new social situations. I was in fact not feeling well but I was also just - terrified of a potentially awkward dinner? The worst thing that was even remotely likely from the direction that was stressing me out was that some people I don’t particularly care about thing I’m an idiot for two hours and then immediately forget about me. In general I think my social anxiety’s getting worse, and I’m not sure what to do about that. I’ve been trying not to let anxiety prevent me from doing new things, because that way lie terrible spirals, but I have once rather strongly regretted that, so it’s not infallible even if you ignore the effects of anxiety on just me. (I was very stressed, was extremely unpleasant to everyone around me, generally fucked up in a way that I do not want to put myself in a situation to repeat.)

Good news: I don’t actually weigh less than 100lbs, our scale was just broken. Not worrying about having an eating disorder is pretty nice, actually.

Other good news: Discrete is fun. I knew it was going to be fun but I haven’t enjoyed a math class in a while and I’ve missed it.

Next week:

- FINALLY FUCKING GOING BACKPACKING unless I’m sick in which case fuck my life I guess, but this means I’m not doing anything until Tuesday. By Tuesday I want a schedule for homework/studying/etc with times for each class individually marked on it. Actually keep to them is a stretch goal, I know myself, but if I miss them I should have some excuse. Putting that in the google calendar or something would be nice but not necessary.

- Daily lists starting Tuesday

- Enter EVERYTHING in calendar or list. If a professor says the words “due” or “you need to” or “homework” or etc etc etc, write it down. If you’re thinking of going to an event write it down. If it’s not somewhere you’re going to check later it does not exist, you don’t have a memory, you know this.

- Not going to go into details because I’m keeping that to the daily lists, but if something’s time-sensitive that does not translate to “put it off until it is on fire and you don’t want to get close to it, quite sensibly, because it is on fire”.

- Next week gonna start going to get overpriced coffee to do these.

- Interact with... people. You will not have default socials with people you like anymore. Please do not hermit, this is bad for Kiras.

Meta notes: ...~45 minutes? Didn’t check my watch when I started writing. Turning more into journalling than goal-directed, which is fine as long as it stays object level and problem (or success!) focused.

[phdnote-blog]

2017.02.07 Tuesday: Fail and Hope

People told me that the last weeks are the worst. 

We had to move suddenly. This caught me off guard, but I am happy we spent the energy on that, because - f*ck the landlady (karma is a b---, I hope her second marriage fails as well) and that expensive sh*thole. We moved into a dream place and are SO MUCH HAPPIER. It was totally worth the effort at the end of 2016.

HEALTH ISSUES

Since the first day this year, I have been sick. Physically sick. I did not only have fever and stayed in bed for 2,5 weeks and then still be weak and struggling with a cold for almost the whole month of January; as soon as I began to recover, I got physically ill again.

My whole body shut down and got sore and I was forced to rest. I reached a point where my body told my mind to “relax and chill”, and it allowed nothing else but resting. 

FAILURE

I failed to work for 2,5 weeks.

I saw publication deadlines come and go, my supervisor gave me a deadline I can’t meet now, and I felt like a failure. DH was working so hard to finance my last months so I didn’t need to worry, but yeah. I hate being a burden, and on top of being unable to work and going to the doctor’s every week for checkup and prescription drugs, I was also worried about money now.

I cried myself to sleep out of frustration not being able to work on my thesis, out of exhaustion, because my body was itching and aching and sore, and out of despair - because what was coming now, if my supervisor did not want to prolong my supervision?

Do you believe in something?

I always did, because if you see the whole picture, I was always lucky in life. The day after I had so many worries in my head I didn’t know what to do, I received one offer after another...

A friend of mine needed help with his work and offered me a position (part-time) to help out, with payment, of course. (I used to work in this field and love it, but had to stop due to my thesis.

Another old friend rang me up to ask me to edit their new publication. (Working with a book, yay!)

The professor I met last year suggested we look for financing opportunities when I want to take upon the tasks of translating one of his publications into another language. (Combining my side job and my love for books is just really, really cool!)

An old client of mine asked me to take a big project for the upcoming 5 months! (I was thinking of digital nomading, and this is just it!! Securing basic income while working whenever I want as long as I finish the project in June!)

I f*cking hate my life right now, as I can’t stop comparing myself to my colleagues and friends who are already done with their dissertations and are working. BUT. In my lowest moment of despair, I got a glimpse of hope again. That everything will be fine. 

I feel like crap constantly. I feel like an imposter and a failure every. single. day. But then again, even really stupid people have been resilient enough to master it. Why shouldn’t I?

Letting go of my obsession to write the perfect paper. 

Focussing on my health and just finishing the paper. 

Next week, I have to hand in at least another chapter of my work, and I will be losing 3 days due to a family event I cannot not attend. 

Breathing in and out. In and out. 

It’s gonna be okay, any way.

I can do this.

You can do this.

“To survive this period, you have to be willing to fail from the moment you wake to the moment your head hits the pillow. You must be willing to fail for days on end, for months on end and maybe even for years on end. The skill you accrete during this trauma is the ability to imagine plausible solutions, and to estimate the likelihood that an approach will work.” (http://matt.might.net/articles/successful-phd-students)

[topicprinter]

So right now I'm part of a startup incubator where I was recruited by the founder to be on her team. We are college students as well. She likes that I am studious and she liked my resume (Hackathons, research assistant, various jobs, and a winter data analyst internship). We're a small team of four members and we're a diverse group. Now, regarding our times in college as undergrads, this is a breakdown:My founder is a senior. She's about to leave college soon. She's an economics major with a 2.7 gpa (she's horrible at math) and the most experience she has is in real estate and babysitting. In high school she was the top of her class though, and participated in every club she could, including being the VP of track club. She's also a huge reader. She's a huge thinker, too.I am a sophomore who's aiming for a field in CS. I will do anything if it means I can be experienced in my field. I don't do it for the money, but because I think it's an absolutely wonderful place. I'm only carrying multiple duties for the team for the experience (because it's good for a tech person to understand the business/customers imo). My founder says I'm the right hand man because she interacts with me the most about the startup and trusts my research and communication abilities.The other two, the other marketing person (sister to the founder) and biochem guy (her boyfriend, who is a junior himself), are fine. They do the work, but perhaps not to the level that I anticipated at first... but they still do it. And they're very kind and wise, too.I was invited to be the 'tech officer' of the startup. Soon, my founder kind of bounces between roles, and now I'm the 'marketing lead' of the team. As the tech officer or marketing lead, I was given the task of data organization and web development, along with research and interviewing people online and on the streets, which I was psyched for because I get to learn new skills. Yay me!With time, my roles still shift around, and she tells me I can start working on gathering features for the website. Yay, now we're getting somewhere!Now, I don't know why she gets this idea, especially after a few weeks into the program, but she soon tells me, "I don't think you should work on the website..." Pause. What? I ask her why, and she doesn't really respond, but she has been talking to her cousin's father who is a web developer himself. In the past I asked her numerous times if I can get in touch with him so he could mentor me. Hasn't happened. Not even an email. Fine, I'll leave it alone for a while and do my own self studying to research (on top of difficult but enjoyable STEM classes). Maybe I can prove to her that my passion for learning will drive the business.Now, can I just say something. I'm not very confident in the idea of this startup to begin with. We have so, so, so many competitors, all of who's single flaw is one thing... not being advertised well enough. However they have a lot of credibility and their teams have plenty of expertise. We discovered this AFTER the startup began, which my founder started thinking of THREE YEARS AGO.There's too much to really say, but deep in my heart, I don't think my founder has it in her to actually do a good job with this. She's very responsible and passionate, and even won another incubator's competition, but she yet to consider her positioning in the market and what makes us stand out. This is not a tech startup either... it's in the field of skincare/pharmaceuticals. She has a difficult time balancing organizational skills, and when I watch her get stressed out over things that are quite solvable, I start to relinquish a little bit of confidence.One other awful thing is that whatever I tell her, she dismisses it until she realizes that I'm right. Every single thing I've mentioned, she says meh, until someone else mentions it or until she realizes the consequences of not following it sooner. For instance, we had a pitch recently that we were given weeks in advanced to work on. Three weeks before the pitch, I tell her we have to start preparing for it. Two weeks before, I tell her we have to start. I create a Google slides.. I'm told we shouldn't worry about it and should worry about our 'customer insights' and 'research' instead. Okay, sure. That second week, I see groups practicing. Whatever. One week before the pitch, I tell her. Nothing. Two days before the pitch, we all scramble to start doing it, but she's still not worried.Day of the pitch. It goes terribly. One of our members was reading off index cards so obviously and I was jammering my entire way through. We get a 2.4/5. She says that isn't too bad. Wtf? It was TERRIBLE. We didn't even get our business model right. No one understands what we're trying to do. Great.Today, I talked to my founder's sister. She tells me the other day they were talking with the wed developer in their family. He says the father laughed it off and said, "Why didn't you get someone overseas to work on the website?"Can I just say something? I don't know a SINGLE damn time I said I couldn't work on the website. I don't recognize a single damn time I showed incompetence over it either. I don't know why they are feeling doubts. They aren't communicating to me effectively. No one is ever on the same page of anything! There are certain things I don't know yet (I never worked on an eCommerce website before) and I told her that if she needs one, she should keep a real developer at bay at least, but I always tell her I'm striven to learn about tech. It's the only thing I care about. As long as I put work into it, I can try to get us where we should, and I'll do it for free b/c I know developers are expensive.Another thing, I think we're too focused on the solution than the problem. I mention certain things over and over, and so do other people (mentors, team members...), but she doesn't understand what we're saying with her heart!We also do home assignments last minute too. Huge turn off. I mention assignments a few days before the due date (because sometimes I don't have time) and no one responds (via text sadly) until the last day. My founder's sister doesn't come to the same college so it's difficult to meet up and discuss to-dos as well...I just feel like we're ridiculously amateurish. I don't necessarily want to quit and I do want to see this towards the end, but I also want to practice tech projects as often as possible so I can get better at my field. I also want to be listened to. I have a few startup ideas of my own, so that's why learning is important for me. I really don't know what to do. In a way I feel like a terrible co-founder for having so much doubts. Maybe it's because I'm going to get my monthly (oops). I express this with our mentors and they tell me to talk to her more, but when I display my sentiments, all she says is, "I know," but does she really...?I might write a TLDR later. Sorry. I'm just so tired after this. I'm so tired of being incompetent and I just want to be successful and listened to for a change. This might just be burnout. We do have the most points out of all the other teams in our track (it's a competition type thing) but I'm not really feeling it. I also have ADHD btw so maybe it's because I don't stick to projects long term normally that my body's trying to pull away.Oops. This was very long.

[canvaswolfdoll]

CanvasWatches: New Game!

Oh no, it’s one of those Moe Blob shows. I’d hoped i was better than that.

Well, to be honest, I was just looking for easy viewing garbage while up late busy with not sleeping.[1] New Game! was on Funimation’s streaming service, and a few youtube reviewers have mentioned it with generic positivity. It’s… okay. Very much fills the ‘Cute girls doing stuff as if they’re real people, but in a softer world’ mold. In this case, Video Game design! Yay. Sarcastic Jazz hands.

A few years ago, I stumbled upon a Manga/4koma series called QuickStart!! which is about girls playing tabletop RPGs. I quite liked it. It’d be nice to see it get an anime of its own someday.

How to even describe New Game!...

Well, it’s about a girl named Aoba Suzukaze who, fresh out of high school, lands her dream job of doing art for the game studio that made her favorite video game, working directly under her personal idol, Ko Yagami.

Which, coming from a western perspective, seems insane. Who lands that sort of job right out of high school, with no college degree or industry experience? I mean, there’s the One Big Lie, then there’s unreasonable expectations. I’m a great writer,[2] and even I can’t find footing to do this for a living.

So Aoba arrives to work and meets the coworkers she shares cubicle space with: Hifumi the shy one; Hajime the energetic one; and Yun… last one. While the OP makes you think that these four will form a K-On! like dynamic, in truth the focus doesn’t drift from Aoba until her friend Nene takes a larger role.

While the trials and tribulations of working for a small Japanese Game studio are interesting, and Aoba’s struggles to get used to the life of a office worker is nice, I’d have liked character development for anyone besides Aoba (whose arc consists of achieving her goals) and Ko (who’s learning to be a mentor. Before leaving the country.)

Later, Aoba’s High School pal Nene gets hired on as a QA Tester for the summer, and the story shifts to Nene wandering around and being distracting. But it’s okay, when she’s actually working, she finds all the bugs!

Nene’s voice is also annoying.

The first season concludes with the cast releasing a game, which is well received. Yay!

The second season is when I suddenly realize that, somewhere along the line, the show became Kaleido Star, but with lower stakes and flatter characters. Which, if you’ve seen Kaleido Star,[3] is saying something.

Upon reaching the level of her blond idol, who is being forced into a new supporting role, our protagonist finds themselves in need of a rival that resents the protagonist’s ascent to glory and their relationship with the blond idol.

However, while Kaleido Star’s May barked her way into my heart by being just so bizarre and ridiculous, New Game! Instead brings in Momiji Mochizuki, who is… there. I guess.

Momiji’s quirk is she eats a bunch and resents Aoba for having success while being a year ahead in her career.

It’s not a well written conflict!

Don’t worry, though. Nene also gets a rival in the form Tsubame Narumi, who is introduced as being Momiji’s calmer and more amicable friend, but turns out be kind of petty and resentful of Nene getting a job through nepotism.

Which… okay, fair, Nene did kind of get hired on due to her connections, but by the same token, it’s made clear that Nene’s in more of a training role while Tsubame is given actual assignments.

Since Nene isn’t my favorite character, the conflict with the programming team is just unnotable.

Momiji’s unlikable from the get go, and Tsubame loses all her endearing traits upon being exposed to Nene. Momiji and Tsubame are so unprofessional, and we see so little of the actual projects being assigned in the second season, that I found myself rooting for them to get fired at the end, as a wake up call to both characters and to have actual consequences.

But it’s a Moe-blob show. Everyone needs to be friends by the end, no lessons get learned, and everyone’s going to be fine because the world of moe has kid gloves.

As I have awkwardly found myself commenting on more and more, New Game! of course had an amount of fan service. It was relatively tame, mostly around Ko’s tendency towards pantslessness and brief fantasy inserts. Nothing to deeply analyze beyond noting the fantasy inserts were mostly egregious and the fanservice wasn’t particularly exciting.

Also, it broke the ‘Establish the limit in the first episode’ rule I mentioned in my Dagashi Kashi review, though the particular break happened midway through the second season, so perhaps I need to consider a ruling for subsequent seasons. What amount of escalation is fair play for viewer retention, and does it break trust?

Food for future thought, if I can’t pull myself away from the topic.[4]

I watched New Game! during a particular period of my life. I had left a retail job, spent a couple months not working, then got a job for a call center contracted to service accounts for a credit card company,[5] and I decided to watch this anime after watching Sakura Quest,[6] so I’d watched two work-based animes while training for a job that, by all signs, would be monotonous, creatively-stifling, and utterly miserable.

And, during the nights while I was dreading going back the next day, I watched an anime based in an office where the cast were doing what they loved, had varied tasks, and a relaxed pace. Quite the escape from my call center job with a maximum 5-minute reprieve from idiots confused by the concept of interest and no paper allowed just in case I wanted to moonlight with a little identity theft.[7]

It’s a bad job. Avoid it.

So, New Game! helped stoked the flames of wanting a better job. One where I don’t have to directly deal with the public, have a consistent schedule, and get some variety. The show also made it clear that I have no viable method into such a job. I’m creatively minded, sure, but I don’t have the actual skills for professional art,[8] I lack the memory to learn programing, and I certainly lack the networking capabilities to find opportunities.

There was an undercurrent of resentment for these stupid girls and their easy lives. I know real life game development is far less cozy than what New Game! displays, but even a taste of that ideal would be better than where I am now.

Anyways, since finishing the series, I discovered it was easier to get a different job than request a day off,[9] so hopefully I can start an upward climb.

Maybe you can help? I do have a patreon, after all.

I also accept questions and comments, and produce other reviews, writings, and a webcomic, so check those out. Any positive reaction to things I feel passionate about would be peachy.

Kinda a downer ending for a review of such an upbeat anime. Oh well.

Kataal kataal.

[1] Really should try and find one of those graveyard shift jobs. I seem naturally predisposed to it… [2] Amazing even. Fight me. [3] Which is glorious garbage that I actually recommend. [4] I’m essentially a grumpy old man waiting to happen. Less Master Roshi and more harsh but fair paternal figure. [5] No, I won’t say which one. [6] Good show, but I didn’t really have anything to talk about in regards to it, hence no review. Still, highly recommend! [7] Had I stayed, I probably would’ve begun strategizing how to get away with such a caper just to fill the tedium. [8] I hate english academia far too much to get a degree, and Theater was a clear path to jobs in the local area. [9] This and other policies made quitting two weeks after finishing training so easy.