#some might even say it is enlightenment's defining trait.... that it's a mystery

[markiafc]

to fulfill my promises to @ananeiah and to expound on @seventh-fantasy's post, there are many conceptions of enlightenment. because buddhism is a massive and old religion with a very robust canon, enlightenment goes by many names, it's articulated and imagined in many different ways. let's play the game of how many of them are adopted by the show...

popular metaphors that embody enlightenment include a refuge, a flame going out, or a firm island - because this world is often described as an ocean. all human beings are floating in the 生死苦海 sea of rebirth and suffering. to escape it, one must make their way to the island or to get on a boat. mahayana buddhism (aka. chinese buddhism) is literally named 大乘 the great vehicle, the primary idea being that enlightenment = to board a vehicle of transport, it will take you away. however, buddhism doesn't just envision this as an ambiguous vehicle. 乘 the vehicle specifically refers to a 船 boat.

the mortal world and the cycle of suffering is a sea and the way out is enlightenment, envisioned as a boat.

an extension of this is the concept of 彼岸 the faraway shore (alt tl: the further shore, the distant shore, the other shore, or at times the opposing shore). it draws on the same notion of 苦海 the ocean of suffering. to achieve enlightenment is to swim to shore, where there is finally safety and stability, free from suffering. this is why the euphemism for enlightenment is to 度到彼岸 reach the faraway shore.

此岸 this shore, is this ever-changing world full of agonies. you wade across the 苦海 sea of suffering, and reach 彼岸 the faraway shore. this is enlightenment.

as @seventh-fantasy depicts in this post, the final shot of ep 40, and as seen in the bonus ep 40.5, this is where llh is. ep 40 ends with the camera moving further into the distance, moving further into the sea. and the bonus ep 40.5 makes it clear again that lxy/llh has found his way to a different beach. llh has crossed the sea to another beach. he is on another shore, the 彼岸 faraway shore, far from 东海 the east sea where everyone else is.

let's look even closer at this.

enlightenment is also conceived as a place: 淨土 the pure lands, 极乐世界 the realm of greatest bliss, and so on. one of the geographical markers of this idea is 西 the west. this "land" accessible only to the enlightened (佛 buddhas, 菩萨 bodhisattvas, and 阿罗汉 arhats) is also dubbed 西方淨土 the western pure lands and 西天 the western heavens, etc.

enlightenment is imagined to be westwards. the opposite direction and away from 东海 dong hai = the east sea. where the story began and lxy famously plunged into; he fell into the 苦海 sea of suffering located in the 东 east. from this starting point, llh makes a meandering journey to his final location in the show. he makes his way 西 west, towards enlightenment, and reaches a 彼岸 faraway shore, the enlightened "after" and what is beyond.

now that we're on the topic of the pure lands, it's worth mentioning that this concept is furnished with a lot of descriptions in buddhist sutras. it is a beautiful, glorious land brimming with lotuses. because, of course, the lotus is yet another ubiquitous image that represents enlightenment.

the lotus position is crucial to the buddhist practice of prayer cultivation, especially in 禅宗 zen buddhism that is built around the central practice of prayer. lotuses are motifs in buddhist art, and buddhist myths (the legend goes that lotus flowers bloomed under the buddha's feet when he took his first steps as a child). people practicing buddhism are referred to as 莲友 lotus friends, 芬陀利花 the white lotus is a synonym for the buddha. lotuses are also integral to buddhist canon; the pure lands are detailed to have seven 宝莲池 treasure lotus ponds. every buddhist has their own lotus waiting for them in the pure lands; it is believed the more you cultivate, the more your bud in the pure lands grows/blooms.

of note, every living thing residing in the pure lands are made from lotuses. in fact, buddhist canon states that the enlightened are reborn inside a lotus bud, similar to an incubation. their new body is reconstituted from lotuses and they emerge anew when the bud blooms. crucially, it is also stated that every enlightened in the pure lands will have 莲花座 a lotus seat. this is a vehicle of transport, usually likened to the magic carpet from one thousand and one nights. it is described as 随心所欲、飞翔自在 something that acts after your heart's desire, something that flies free. the lotus seat is about boundless, freeing travel.

this isn't comprehensive at all, there are tons of other ways lotuses come up throughout buddhism. but the connection to the show is straightforward and self-explanatory. the primary motif in 莲花楼 mysterious lotus casebook is the lotus - a famous marker for buddhism itself. one of the dominant illustrations of enlightenment, the cultivation process to achieve it, and enlightened entities themselves.

the buddhist notions of rebirth are similarly heavily intertwined with the lotus. it is your body; you become it, it becomes you. from then on, you are surrounded by its image and its presence. you even have a lotus vehicle that becomes your main method of travel, a mode of travel defined by carefree contentment. sound familiar? llh's identity and his living carries major markers of enlightenment. it is one of the primary concerns of his character arc.

quick detour. a prominent moniker for enlightenment is the setting of the sun, as yet another epithet utilized by the drama.

detour over. crazy connections time.

discussions of death and suicide is, to my knowledge, particularly prominent in japanese buddhism. but as a whole, a significant portion of buddhist canon and a good number of buddhist media deals with this too. dying as a means to get closer to enlightenment, equating death and enlightenment, the subject of suicide itself. characters seemingly pass away and become enlightened, or characters strive for death with this express purpose as death is connected to enlightenment. this is true. one does not necessarily cause the other, but the concepts are interconnected in buddhism. it comes hand in hand, dissecting one means dissecting the other and vice versa.

most buddhist texts and masters do not condone a direct correlation, suicide is not the way to enlightenment. there is no buddhist value to killing yourself. but the key exception lies in one of the most important buddhist texts: the lotus sutra.

"These include several themes dealing explicitly with death, such as how suicide was committed to speed up rebirth in the Pure Land based on the sanctioning of voluntary death as a superior form of sacrifice in Chapter 23 of the Lotus Sutra ..." [1]

the chapter 23 in question talks about a bodhisattva who turns himself into a human candle and burns himself up, in offering to the buddha. there is more to the story, but it mainly functions as a lesson about cultivation and enlightenment.

in the canon about buddhist suffering, there lies a subset dedicated to physical pain and torment. there is a heavy focus on our 5 senses, specifically (that's a whole separate topic i won't go into here). very briefly, to suffer is to experience the world through our 5 senses. to live as a human being is to suffer in a sensory way.

buddhism aspires to transcend this flesh and blood suffering. so annihilation of one's body is an essential step to achieve enlightenment. usually, this theory centers natural death and decay. you accept that you are always aging, your senses will lose their edge, your body is always subject to illness, injury and other failings. let the body waste away, it will do so regardless.

hence, the human body is set on a course of gradual deterioration. this suffering is processed through our 5 senses and is defined by them. in the face of this, the lotus sutra is the only notable buddhist text that looks kindly upon "voluntary death" to transcend it.

similarly, llh accepts the effects of bicha on his body. it mimics the natural decline of the human body, accelerating the degradation of his senses, his immune system, and his physical capabilities in general. his experience of this form of suffering is also emphasized through a period losing his sense of sight. it is a very buddhist torment. but at the end of the day, it is still a man-made, unnatural cause generating this effect. accepting this is not the same as accepting 生老病死 death via age, sickness and other natural processes.

llh embodies the sentiments and themes in the lotus sutra when he consciously chooses to let bicha run its course. he chooses to die, it is a "voluntary death". let this destroy his body. let this suicidal choice (though its more nuanced than simply suicide imo) free him from buddhist physical suffering. thus bringing him closer to peace, a version of himself that will be happier.

finally, enlightenment is about ambiguity.

凡人 the common people are incapable of comprehending enlightenment. it is understood that the human senses and the human mind is too inept and unrefined, too clouded by illusions, to grasp it. there are a million ways to express it, depict it, and name it. but there is a consensus across buddhism that these are simply aids for the common student of buddhism, and they are not accurate to the truth. at the core of enlightenment is an abstraction, an inherent unknowing.

it is, by definition, a departure and a continuation. it is a removal from this world and a transition into another place, another realm. all at once, the phenomenon straddles a greyness between an ending and a beginning. it is unclear whether the enlightened has left, or is it the common man who is so lacking he cannot recognize or even perceive the enlightened? in the theory of enlightenment, buddhism accounts for both factors. but we will never know for sure.

where do the enlightened go? where are they, where have they gone? these are questions buddhists often ask and explore, and it is also the question that the remaining cast engages with. what is enlightenment, exactly? there is a suspicion, some notion of what must have happened. it might be death, it might not be. only the enlightened can answer this, everyone else is left without clarity.

in the end, the seekers get close to the answer but there is no real fruition. and so the search lasts indefinitely.

that, too, is part and parcel to enlightenment.

as for how enlightenment narratives function, i leave you with this.

"Nirvana provides the full stop (period) in the religious story; it gives what one might call, to use Frank Kermode's well-known phrase, "the sense of an ending" - that is, a real ending and not a mere breaking off. Such an ending is only possible within a narrative.

[...]

Nirvana, I want to suggest, is a moment within a discursive or practical dynamic, a formal element of closure in structure of Buddhist imagination, texts, and rituals. One might say that nirvana has primarily a syntactic rather than semantic value: it is the moment of ending which gives structure to the whole. The fact of narrative structure and closure provides a meaningful and satisfying resolution, although in itself nirvana has merely the formal value of a closure marker.

[...]

Earlier I called nirvana the full stop (period) in the Buddhist religious story; now I can add that it is a full stop in an eternal story, a full stop which brings closure to individual lives in a master text which itself can have no final ending." [2]

Sources:

Tragedy and Salvation in the Floating World: Chikamatsu's Double Suicide Drama as Millenarian Discourse by Steven Heine ↩︎

Nirvāna, Time, and Narrative by Steven Collins ↩︎

[smartrelationshiptips]

7 Signs of a Female Narcissist: From Seduction to Manipulation

Hey there, curious soul! Ever bumped into someone and thought, “Wow, she sure thinks highly of herself?” We all have. In this vibrant world of personalities, it’s hard not to cross paths with those who seem a tad too into themselves. But how do we differentiate between a simple show of confidence and a deeper-rooted issue? Specifically, how can we spot the “7 signs of a female narcissist”? Sounds interesting? Well, you’re in the right place! We’re diving deep into this world, exploring every nook and cranny. Buckle up; it’s going to be an enlightening ride!

What is Narcissism?

Picture this: it’s a sunny day, and you’re at a cafe with friends. Everyone’s laughing, sharing stories, and there’s that one friend who just can’t stop talking about… well, herself. Ring a bell? That’s what got me thinking about narcissism. It’s not just a fancy term psychologists use; it’s something many of us encounter daily.

Types of Narcissism

Alright, let’s spill some beans! Not all narcissism is the same. Think of it like ice cream flavors. Some are overtly rich (like double-chocolate fudge), while others are subtler yet equally enticing (maybe a delicate vanilla bean?). In the world of narcissism, we have two main flavors: overt and covert. To truly understand the “7 signs of a female narcissist”, it’s essential to get a taste of both.

Overt Narcissism

Imagine someone entering a room, and it feels like they’ve brought their spotlight. That’s your overt female narcissist! She’s dazzling, always has an enthralling tale to share (where she’s the star, of course!), and boy, does she love compliments. But, and here’s the twist, she might crumble if someone isn’t singing her praises. Intriguing, right?

To define the word “Overt Narcissism” we should say that Overt narcissism is when someone is pretty obvious about their need for attention and admiration. These folks tend to openly show off their accomplishments, seek constant praise, and believe they’re superior to others. They might not be very subtle about their self-centeredness and often expect special treatment. In a nutshell, it’s like having a “me, me, me” attitude that’s hard to miss.

Covert Narcissism

Now, think of someone who’s always got that “woe is me” tune playing. She believes she’s the unsung hero, the backstage genius forever awaiting her standing ovation. That, my friend, is the covert female narcissist. She’s not as flashy as her overt counterpart but is equally fascinating in her world of subtle self-importance.

In other words, Covert narcissism is when someone has an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep need for admiration, just like regular narcissism, but they hide it really well. These individuals may come across as humble or even shy on the surface, but underneath, they often have a strong desire for attention, validation, and control. They might use subtle tactics to manipulate and gain the upper hand in relationships, making it tricky to spot their narcissistic tendencies. In essence, it’s like having a hidden ego that can be quite challenging to detect.

Who is a Narcissist?

Now, here’s where it gets juicy. Have you ever watched those detective shows where they profile the mysterious antagonist? Think of this as our detective moment. We’re about to profile the narcissist.

However, it’s crucial to note that not everyone who exhibits a few narcissistic traits is a full-blown narcissist. It’s a spectrum, and many of us might land somewhere on it without fully swinging to the extreme. But, to truly get to the heart of the “7 signs of a female narcissist”, understanding the archetype is key.

What does Medical Science Say About Narcissism?

Alright, pop quiz! Did you know narcissism isn’t just our way of labeling folks who seem too into themselves? Medical science has actually dived deep into it. Let’s wear our geek glasses and dig in!

The world of psychiatry classifies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as a legitimate condition. It’s not just about being self-absorbed. It’s about consistently overestimating one’s abilities, craving constant admiration, and having volatile relationships. And the cherry on top? A genuine lack of remorse.

But here’s a fun twist – while it sounds pretty intense, the origins of narcissism are often rooted in low self-esteem. Yes, you heard that right! Behind that façade of overconfidence could be a fragile ego, easily bruised and continuously seeking validation.

Male Vs Female Narcissist

Now, let’s talk about the gents for a second. While our main focus is understanding the “7 signs of a female narcissist”, it’s interesting to see how the guys compare.

You see, male narcissists often manifest their traits differently. They might be more aggressive, more overtly domineering. Women, on the other hand, might employ subtler tactics, perhaps using charm or victimhood as tools. Of course, these are broad strokes, and everyone has a unique cocktail of traits. However, understanding these general differences offers a fuller picture of the female narcissist’s landscape.

7 Signs of a Female Narcissist

She Never Apologizes

You know, we all goof up sometimes – it’s human! But the hallmark of growth is accepting your mistakes and learning. Enter the female narcissist. For her, admitting a mistake feels like a cardinal sin. It’s not just about protecting her ego; it’s about preserving a flawless facade. She’ll twist words, manipulate the narrative, and even gaslight others into believing she was never in the wrong. And this is how an important sign of narcissism becomes visible in front of our eyes.

She is Self-Centered

Genuine self-love is beautiful and empowering. But there’s a stark difference between appreciating oneself and being utterly self-absorbed. Every story, every conversation, no matter its origin, will wind its way back to her. It’s almost an art form for her: the art of making everything about herself. In other words, It’s essentially a mindset where “I” or “me” takes precedence over “we” or “us” in every interaction and decision-making. Additionally, she tends to prioritize her desires and well-being above those of others and may have difficulty considering or empathizing with the feelings and needs of others.

She is Super Competitive:

Competition can be healthy. It can push us to achieve more. But when the spirit of competition transforms into an obsession, red flags should go up. For the female narcissist, every situation is a battleground. Whether it’s work achievements, personal stories, or even the number of social media likes – she has to outshine everyone. However, this type of competitiveness can be defined as a major sign among the 7 signs of a female narcissist. So, if you see an unnatural competitiveness in your female friend, you should be more careful before entering into a relationship with her.

She is Always Concerned About Her Looks

Personal grooming and wanting to look one’s best is natural. Because everyone (especially women) always wants to look beautiful and gorgeous in the eyes of the whole world. But the female narcissist’s preoccupation with her appearance stems from a deeper need for constant admiration. She dresses not for herself, but for the audience she hopes to captivate. Well, it’s not only about dresses, her makeup, fashion, hairstyles, nails – everything is adorned to draw the attention of others. It’s all about external validation. Moreover, the female narcissist has a gut feeling that she is the most beautiful queen in the whole world while the others are less beautiful and attractive.

She Can Flirt with Anyone

Flirting can be playful and fun, but when it’s used as a tool for validation, it becomes a tad problematic. The female narcissist flirts not out of genuine interest but to affirm her desirability. She thrives on feeling wanted, even if she has no intention of pursuing anything deeper. Moreover, general people flirt only with them for whom they feel genuine interest. On the other hand, the female narcissist flirts randomly without any genuine interest. Because they just want to fulfill their personal interest through her flirting.

She Lacks Empathy for Others

Empathy – the beautiful ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Unfortunately, this is often missing in a female narcissist’s emotional toolkit. While she demands understanding and sensitivity towards her feelings, she offers little in return, often dismissing or trivializing others’ emotions. Sometimes, they also show fake empathy to others which is more dangerous than lacking empathy. So, when you see this personality trait in any of your female friends, you can classify her as a female narcissist. This is why you should be more careful before entering into a relationship with this type of woman.

She is Super Egoistic

While a healthy dose of confidence can drive one to achieve great things, an inflated ego can be blinding. The female narcissist views herself through rose-tinted glasses, often disregarding feedback and perceiving herself as above others. It’s not mere confidence; it’s an overinflated sense of self-worth.

By now, you might be drawing parallels or recalling past encounters that fit the bill. Recognizing these “7 signs of a female narcissist” is the first step. The real challenge, and perhaps the topic for another enlightening chat, is how to navigate relationships with such individuals.

Some Other Signs of a Female Narcissist

She is Drop-Dead Gorgeous

It’s not uncommon to meet someone who likes to look good, right? We all have our moments! But with female narcissists, this “moment” stretches into hours, dominating a significant chunk of their daily lives. They don’t just love to look in the mirror; they live for it. Their day often revolves around perfecting that selfie angle, experimenting with makeup, or discussing their latest beauty routine. You might frequently hear them drop casual comments about how they’re often mistaken for a model or actress. It’s less about self-love and more about seeking a stage and an audience.

She Exaggerates Her Achievements

Everyone loves a pat on the back now and then. But for the female narcissist, this pat isn’t just wanted; it’s a dire need. They’re the heroes of their stories, often making mountains out of molehills. A minor contribution to a group project suddenly becomes the backbone of its success. They want you to believe they’re unparalleled, even if the truth is a tad (or a lot!) different.

She Looks Down on Others

We’ve all had our moments of feeling a tad superior, haven’t we? Maybe after taking an exam or getting that promotion? But with female narcissists, this is a chronic state. They seem to view the world from a self-made pedestal. Conversations with them often revolve around the ‘inefficiencies’ and ‘inadequacies’ of others. This isn’t just an occasional slip but a deeply ingrained perspective.

She Has Very Few Female Friends

Friendships are a treasure. But for the female narcissist, forming genuine bonds, especially with other women, can be a challenge. Their competitive edge, coupled with their need to be the center of attention, often leads to friction. It’s not uncommon for them to state that they “prefer male company” or “find other women too dramatic.”

She Always Expects Special Favors

Imagine expecting VIP treatment… all the time. For the female narcissist, the world is her oyster, and she’s the pearl. She often anticipates special favors, from small gestures like being allowed to cut in line to more significant ones like expecting friends to change plans to suit her whims.

She Can’t Take “No” for an Answer

Ever met someone who seems allergic to the word “no”? Female narcissists, in their pursuit of admiration and control, often struggle to accept rejection or refusal. Let’s set the scene: imagine suggesting a different restaurant than the one she picked or deciding not to lend her that dress she’s been eyeing. The aftermath? A potential storm of sulking, persuasion attempts, or even outright confrontation. While most of us appreciate compromise, for the female narcissist, compromise feels like a defeat. And they’re not in the game to lose.

She Prefers Manipulation to Compromise

Speaking of compromise, it’s often seen as a strength, a sign of maturity in relationships. But for female narcissists, manipulation is often their go-to strategy. Why settle for a middle ground when you can twist things in your favor, right? They’re adept at emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim card. It’s like they have a toolbox of manipulative tactics, always on standby.

She Can Do Everything to Draw Attention

Every party has that one person – the one who laughs just a bit louder tells stories that sound more like blockbuster scripts or wears something so flashy it’s blinding. Often, this is the female narcissist making her presence unmistakably known. Whether it’s by dramatic tales, flamboyant outfits, or even causing a scene, she thrives when all eyes are on her. For her, any attention, even if it’s for the wrong reasons, is good attention.

She is Vindictive

Hell hath no fury like a female narcissist scorned. If they feel slighted or believe someone has overshadowed them, they can harbor a grudge like a pro. While most of us might feel hurt or upset, they’re plotting their ‘revenge.’ It could be through passive-aggressive actions, spreading rumors, or even direct confrontation. Their vendetta isn’t just emotional; it’s personal.

She is a Pathological Liar

Lying, for most of us, is a last resort. But for the female narcissist, it’s almost second nature. Whether it’s to paint themselves in a better light, escape responsibility, or cause drama, they often bend the truth or recreate it. What’s baffling is their conviction – they lie with such authority that even the most discerning individual might start doubting the truth.

She is Always Busy in Building a Fake Image

She is Bad as a Long-Time Partner

While they might be the life of the party and exciting short-term flings, female narcissists can be tumultuous long-term partners. Ever been on a roller-coaster? That’s the relationship in a nutshell. Highs that touch the sky with passion and excitement, swiftly followed by lows marked by arguments, jealousy, and manipulation. Their needs and desires often eclipse everything else, making it a challenge for mutual growth and understanding in the relationship.

She is Super Reactive to Criticism

Remember the last time you tried assembling something without the manual, and someone pointed out a tiny mistake? Frustrating, right? Now, magnify that frustration tenfold. That’s a female narcissist reacting to even the slightest criticism. Instead of viewing it as constructive feedback, they often see it as a direct attack on their character. It’s less about the actual critique and more about the perceived slight against their infallibility.

All of Her Conversations Revolve Around Her

We all love a good chat about our day, our dreams, or even that weird dream from last night. But with female narcissists, the conversation takes a U-turn back to them. No matter the topic, they have a knack for steering the conversation toward their favorite subject: themselves. Their achievements, their struggles, their everything. It’s like being trapped in a radio station that plays just one song on repeat.

She Cannot Admire Others

True admiration is a beautiful thing. It allows us to recognize and appreciate the beauty, talent, or intelligence in others. However, for the female narcissist, admiration often feels like a zero-sum game. If someone else is getting praise, it must mean they’re losing out. Instead of genuine compliments, you might hear backhanded ones or attempts to downplay others’ achievements.

She Enjoys Exploiting Others

Have you ever felt like someone’s personal ATM or an emotional punching bag? With a female narcissist, you might just become that. They have a remarkable talent for making you feel indispensable, yet only for serving their own needs. Be it for money, connections, or emotional support, she knows just which strings to pull. And here’s the kicker: once she gets what she desires, the importance she placed on you vanishes, leaving you feeling used. It’s like being a cog in the grand machine of their life, indispensable yet entirely replaceable.

She is Super Jealous

Ah, the green-eyed monster! It doesn’t just lurk; it roars in the world of a female narcissist. Remember your friend who couldn’t stand your new watch, because hers wasn’t as fancy? That’s the narcissist’s mindset but on steroids. Every success, be it yours or someone else’s, feels like a direct challenge to her superiority. Instead of celebrating with you, she’s probably calculating how to outdo or undermine you. It’s a never-ending game of one-upmanship.

How Does Female Narcissism Develop?

Understanding the complexities of human behavior can sometimes feel like trying to solve a giant puzzle, right? With the keyword ‘7 signs of a female narcissist’ in mind, let’s delve into the causes behind female narcissism. Because, as they say, understanding is the first step to acceptance.

Childhood Experiences

Childhood, a phase that acts as the foundation of our adult lives, plays a pivotal role in personality development. Many female narcissists might have had a golden childhood, where they were the apple of everyone’s eye. These early years of excessive attention or, interestingly enough, stark neglect can shape their need for validation in adulthood. If they were accustomed to constant praise, its absence in later life can be jarring. And if they faced neglect, their adult life might be spent chasing the admiration they missed out on.

Experiences of Severe Criticism

Ironically, the other extreme can also lead to narcissism. Constantly being put down or facing undue criticism can make one develop a defensive, inflated ego. It becomes a coping mechanism, a way to tell themselves that they’re better than what others perceive them to be.

Societal Pressures

This societal push for perfection can unknowingly coax people, especially vulnerable ones, into a narcissistic spiral. The race to get the most ‘likes’, ‘shares’, or ‘comments’ can create an artificial self-worth metric. And for the budding female narcissist, it’s a tempting playground. The constant need for validation and fear of not ‘measuring up’ can push her to curate a persona that might be far from her true self. Behind those filtered photos might be a sea of insecurities, seeking validation from virtual thumbs-ups.

Relationship Patterns

We’ve all had our share of heartbreaks and love stories, haven’t we? Relationships can leave profound imprints on our minds. A history of tumultuous relationships, consistent betrayal, or even prolonged admiration can influence a female’s narcissistic tendencies. If they’ve always been the center of attention, any deviation feels like an anomaly.

Why Relationship with a Female Narcissist Can Be Toxic?

It’s an Emotional Roller-Coaster

Imagine being on a never-ending theme park ride. Thrilling? Yes. Exhausting? Absolutely. Being with a female narcissist is akin to that. One moment, you’re the apple of her eye, and the next, you might be the villain in her story. There’s no consistency, only unpredictability. Over time, this can take a toll on one’s mental health and well-being.

Lack of Genuine Emotional Connection

You know those heart-to-heart conversations we have at 2 a.m.? With a female narcissist, those can be rare. It’s often about them, their needs, and their narrative. Opening up or being vulnerable might be met with indifference or even mockery. The relationship feels more transactional than emotional.

Emotional Imbalance

Imagine a relationship where you’re always walking on eggshells, sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? That’s often what it feels like when dealing with a female narcissist. The relationship scales tip towards her emotions, leaving yours in the lurch. Over time, this lack of emotional reciprocity can leave you feeling isolated and undervalued.

Manipulative Tactics

Being with a female narcissist can sometimes feel like you’re caught in a psychological maze. Their mastery of manipulation can turn even a simple conversation into a strategic game. Often, you might find yourself second-guessing your actions, trying to predict her next move.

Lack of Genuine Empathy

Empathy, the simple act of understanding and sharing another’s feelings, can often be absent in a female narcissist’s emotional arsenal. It’s like reaching out in the dark, expecting a comforting hand and finding none. Genuine concerns or problems might be met with indifference or, worse, be turned around to how it affects her. This lack of empathy can result in partners feeling unheard and uncared for, a silent erosion in the relationship’s foundation.

How To Deal with A Female Narcissist?

Understanding and Patience

Firstly, understanding is crucial. Recognizing that the 7 signs of a female narcissist might stem from deeper unresolved issues can help in dealing with them. Remember, anger or confrontation might not always be the answer. Sometimes, a gentle conversation, sprinkled with patience, can make a difference.

Seek External Support

Walking alone on a path laden with challenges can be tough. Seek support, be it friends, family, or professional help. Sharing experiences, getting a third-person perspective, or simply having a shoulder to lean on can be therapeutic. Especially when dealing with the signs of a female narcissist, an external perspective might provide clarity.

Establish Clear Boundaries

It’s vital to mark out boundaries in any relationship, more so with a female narcissist. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or financial boundaries, being clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not can prevent many conflicts. Think of it as setting rules in a game, ensuring everyone plays fair.

FAQs

Are all female narcissists harmful?

Not necessarily. Like all personality traits, there's a spectrum. It's the extreme ends that often result in toxic behaviors.

Can therapy help a female narcissist?

Absolutely! With the right professional guidance, anyone can work towards bettering themselves.

How do I know if I'm in a relationship with a female narcissist?

Identifying the 7 signs of a female narcissist is a start. If you feel consistently undervalued, manipulated, or emotionally drained, it might be time to assess the relationship.

Is narcissism more common in females?

Not really. Narcissism doesn't choose the gender. It's more about individual experiences and personality development.

Can a relationship with a female narcissist work?

With understanding, therapy, and mutual efforts, any relationship has the potential to work. But both parties need to be committed to change.

Is female narcissism a modern phenomenon, influenced by the age of social media?

While social media might amplify narcissistic tendencies, it's not solely responsible. The traits associated with the 7 signs of a female narcissist have been around for ages, but our hyper-connected world just puts them more in the spotlight.

Are these signs exclusive to females?

Not at all! Narcissism is not gender-specific. However, the way it manifests might vary based on societal influences, upbringing, and personal experiences.

Can one outgrow narcissistic tendencies?

Absolutely! With self-awareness, therapy, and a genuine desire to change, it's possible to overcome these tendencies.

How can one support a friend who shows signs of being a female narcissist?

Understanding, patience, and sometimes professional intervention can be key. Always approach the topic gently, ensuring they don't feel attacked.

Is it possible for a female narcissist to lead a happy, fulfilling relationship?

Yes, with mutual effort, understanding, and possibly therapy, relationships can navigate through the rough patches and find stability.

Conclusion

When piecing together the puzzle of human behavior, and specifically focusing on the 7 signs of a female narcissist, it’s imperative to tread with both empathy and caution. Relationships, friendships, or even fleeting interactions with someone who displays these traits can often feel like an emotional whirlwind. But, remember, it’s crucial to keep one’s well-being at the forefront. If ever you feel overwhelmed, just picture this: Your emotional health is like a lush, green plant. Without proper care, sunlight, and water, it begins to wilt. So, in relationships where you feel more drained than nurtured, it might be time to reconsider the dynamics.

References:

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (DSM-5®). American Psychiatric Pub.

Ronningstam, E. (2016). Narcissistic personality disorder: a current review. Current Psychiatry Reports, 18(2), 11.

Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—and Surprising Good—About Feeling Special. HarperCollins.

Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. Spencer (Eds.), The self (p. 115–138). New York, NY: Psychology Press.

Twenge, J.M., & Campbell, W.K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.

[cancerjupiter]

astrology notes: mars (pt. 2)

mars in libra

the mars principle describes how you set about getting what you need for yourself and shows how you define yourself. libra is about you in relation to others and gaining self-knowledge by using others as a mirror. these two opposing principles do not combine comfortably. how can you define yourself or decide what you want effectively if you consider the other person's needs before your own? 

the person with mars in libra attributes enormous importance to what the 'other' wants, and often gives away their energy and sexual needs. they don’t know what they want until they discovered what the other person wants. if you ask them what they want to do, they will most likely answer by asking what you want to do. this makes decision-making virtually impossible because they cannot focus in on what they want, but are always looking for answers from the outside, drawing in others to help them decide. because of this difficulty in knowing what they want, they are very ambivalent and give out double messages all the time. if they make a definite statement, they will immediately qualify it, so that what they really want becomes blurred and open to doubt.

in their sexual relationships, mars in libra like to observe the social niceties - venusian touches such as romantic notes, thank-you letters, and cards sent to continue the connection. romantic and charming, they know what pleases and often show a flattering interest in their partner's life and emotional well-being. they always ask the right questions and respond appropriately, which can be very seductive. enjoying repartee and flirtation, people with mars in libra may flirt for ever without ever getting round to doing anything. they enjoy creating the right setting - a romantic meal with soft lights and sweet music. 

sometimes there is a perfect atmosphere for sex, with the promise and the innuendo there, but the sex itself may never materialize. this is because Libra feels much more comfortable with the flirting stage than with the disturbing intimacy of sex. people with mars here like to start contacts, forge links and hold relationships together, but they also like to keep at a distance and avoid intense involvement, often using niceness and politeness as a barrier to intimacy. however, the urge to establish a sexual relationship is a driving force for people with mars in libra, so that even if there is not much actual sex involved, they need to feel they have an actual sexual partner, and will put a great deal of effort into pleasing their partner and holding the relationship together. 

mars in scorpio

mars is in dignity in scorpio; and someone with this placement is likely to have a quietly powerful and unobtrusively charismatic presence, backed up by an inner strength and sense of purpose. these people will have a certainty in their manner that conveys that they are not people to be toyed with. this is the most assertive and potentially ruthless of the water signs. 

this sounds a promising placement for passionate sex, and mars in scorpio people are passionate as fuc. however, with relationships they are often so intense and sex is often such a traumatic arena that they may never actually do it, though they can spend a lot of time anguishing over it. their sexual contacts are likely to be intensely emotional. they may have such immense feelings invested in sex that they shrink when they are attracted to someone, and all spontaneous responses fail; things just stop flowing. for a mars in scorpio, sex is all or nothing; they feel it as life and death - which can throw them into dreadful crisis and inner turmoil. sex is indeed intimately connected to life and death; and they will feel closer to this truth than anyone else. 

this placement makes for a depth of emotional honesty and integrity that you do not find with mars in the other water signs, but it can also produce the most agonized expression. once a relationship becomes established, someone with mars in scorpio will not be afraid of commitment. these people will offer and demand absolute loyalty, and will stand by their partners through thick and thin. they will also be the most possessive of all the water signs, and are vulnerable to feelings of sexual jealousy. this is because their feelings become so deeply engaged in their sexual relationships. with such an emotional investment, they have a great deal to lose. there is nothing lukewarm about them. these people will want to own their sexual partner; anyone not wanting to be possessed might find their intensity too much. 

mars in sagittarius

people with this placement have huge expectations of sex. believing it to be a path to self-knowledge, many are looking for sex to give meaning to life, and they may elevate it to the status of a religious belief. this can lead to restless promiscuity as they search for the spiritual enlightenment they crave. they can make a religion out of their own need for sexual freedom in order to pursue such illusive goal. on the surface, they appear to be happy and easy-going; but underneath there may be emptiness, despair, and a sense of having been cheated, as life constantly cannot match up to expectations. this provokes an endless search for the deep sexual healing that they believe could soothe this inner pain. 

as with all fire signs, but most intensely with sagittarius, there is a propensity to feel limited by the body, which holds them down when they want to be all spirit; and this can lead to a total rejection of the physical. this manifestation of mars can show someone who despises sex and aspires to devote themselves to the concerns of the mind and spirit, therefore renouncing sex completely. 

on a more ordinary everyday level, most people with mars in sagittarius do not live in such an extreme way, but they do all need to sex to bring meaning to life, together with a powerful belief in personal freedom. there is a common desire for sex to enrich their lives spiritually and offer a gateway to personal development. they are stimulated by differences and challenge, and so are often attracted to those who come from unique backgrounds who can give them a new perspective and widen their horizons. the impulsive nature of sag people means that they often jump too quickly into close relationships and then immediately feel restricted, so that often they have no sooner started a relationship than they have dreams of leaving. there is a tendency to run away from difficult situations rather than face up to the consequences of their own actions. they often find it hard to accept responsibility for what happens, believing that they have acted with the best of intentions and that therefore it must be the other person's fault. 

in order to enjoy sex, these people need to act spontaneously. within a relationship that offers this, they are very enthusiastic sexual partners, uninhibited and keen to experiment. they need the stimulation of variety, and tend to become bored if sex is too predictable. the person with mars in sag will want to get a lot of fun out of their relationships, and will enjoy going out to the cinema, concerts, and other activities with their partner. these people are also likely to enjoy their partners taking part in sporting activities with them, so that a shared morning run or a tough game of tennis could be quite fun! 

people with mars in this sign can make their partners feel fantastic. they have a warm enthusiasm which they give out freely; if they want you, they really show it. generous-spirited and optimistic, they expect to be desired, and so act in an open, confident way. if they are rebuffed, they will just try again or turn their attention elsewhere. they can, however, be rather careless with other people's feelings, acting first and think later, which can be very painful to those who are more sensitive. they find it hard to focus on the here and now or empathize with other people, as their gaze is firmly fixed on the distant future. they prefer to ignore difficulties, and that includes people's hurt feelings. rather than grapple with present problems, they will concentrate on their visions for the future and chase their dreams. for someone who shares these dreams, it can be an exciting road to travel. 

mars in capricorn

someone with this mars is likely to have an air of authority, and an innate sense of dignity and of deserving (not sure if that’s the right word tho). these people give a powerful impression of self-control and conduct themselves with good manners. they may seem quietly distinguished (and are often called mysterious). all the earth signs exercise self-control, caution and reserve, but these traits are most in evidence in someone with mars in capricorn. this could be because they feel their dignity is constantly at stake, which is arguably something that matters a great deal to them. they may restrict their lives in order to maintain control over it. 

when starting sexual relationships, someone with this placement will take considerable care not to make inappropriate moves. a rejection would be a loss of dignity. yet these people have a powerful sex drive and powerful needs for physical contact, so when sexually involved and certain of their partner they can be very bit as ardent as mars in taurus. people with mars in cap may be painstakingly slow in establishing contact, but once they have, they want the rewards for their efforts. they will take a sexual relationship seriously and expect it to last. 

like mars in virgo, they can go through long periods when, if not in a relationship, they remain celibate. for mars in capricorn, these may be rather austere times, when they bury themselves in their work or productive activities and swutch off their sexual needs (my friend with this placement says she’s not crazy about masturbating, but to each his own ofc). this is their way of surviving. when they do have a partner, they will let go of some of their control and have a powerful sensuality. 

people with mars in capricorn will be ambitious, and might choose a sexual partner who helps them get on in life or who enhances their status. they may choose someone who opens doors that might otherwise remain closed, or who has money. this is not as calculated as it sounds, for they may literally get turned on by money or authority. alternatively, a mars in capricorn person may start up in business with their lover. the dividing line between business partnerships and sexual relationships can easily blur. this is an ideal placement for a working sexual relationship.

mars in aquarius

this mars placement causes some impulsiveness and abruptness in manner or speech. they may do things quickly and unexpectedly, either because they make up their minds quickly or because they don’t fully realise the consequences of their actions. they often sum up facts or opinions and comes to a conclusion very quickly (the type of person to read the headline but not the article). they always seem ready for anything; mars in aqua often knows what to do in an emergency and how to stay level-headed through it. they speak readily and are incisive debaters, forcible and determined. their opinions are fixed and not easily changed from outside (aquarius is fixed after all); but when they do change, it often happens so suddenly and abruptly as if to surprise everyone. 

the often alienate their friends because of their actions, easily suffering from opposition and hostility. this position is not favourable for social niceties, associations, companies or firms, as they don’t see the need to nice for the hell of it. however, they’re somewhat ambitious and aspiring, original and independent in thought, too much so to associate on an equal footing with others for any length of time; such relationships are usually broken either through their ambition or love of independence. sometimes they seem to be democrats, but there is a good love of autocracy in them; they love leading and guiding others. 

mars in pisces

they’re the most romantic and tricky placement of the water signs. this is someone who is extremely sensitive to romantic gestures in love, and able to tune in to their loved ones on the subtlest levels. these people can make the most attentive lovers, who seduce and overwhelm their loved ones with flattery and attention. and yet, just as the object of their affections succumbs, they may be on their way, ever elusive pisces, to the next lover. their effusive gestures of affection can be in some ways impersonal (and superficial in retrospect). with a mars in pisces suitor, you are never sure whether you are the real thing or just a sounding board on which they’re practising - the idealized love object of the moment. these psople may want to keep their illusion intact more than they want a partner. plus they may enjoy the seduction process more than an actual relationship. they may be in love with the concept of being in love. if you are 'the real thing' for them, then your relationship will be infused with romance and mystery. these people will need intrigue to keep them involved, and will themselves regularly inject such ingredients into the relationship to keep the romance alive. they may read too much fanfiction for their own good (lol sorry, Bea). 

there is a deep yearning for an oneness with their partner; a total merging, which they are likely to satisfy through sexual contact. for them, sex may be a spiritual experience. it may be an union with something far greater than their partner and themselves that they seek, whether or not they are conscious of it. for someone with mars in pisces, there will be a conscious awareness of this spiritual dimension. the practice of meditation symbolically represents their orientation. someone with such an orientation could, if not in a relationship, spend long periods celibate. paradoxically, they can also be the most promiscuous, with no sense of sexual boundaries, and wanting everyone that they feel attracted to. it really depends on their level of consciousness. this is the most passive of the Water signs, and perhaps the one with the greatest diversity of expression.

[claudinei-de-jesus]

The inspiration of the scriptures

It is possible that there is a divine religion without an inspired literature. Professor Francis L. Patton observes: If simple historical testimony proves that Jesus wrought miracles, pronounced prophecies, and proclaimed his divinity—it can be shown that he was crucified to redeem sinners, and that he was raised from the dead, and that he did that the fate of men depended on accepting him as their Savior then, whether the records were inspired or not, there he who neglects so great a salvation."

However, we will take no more time with this, as there is no doubt about the inspiration of the Bible. "All Scripture is divinely inspired" (1literally: "it is given by the breath of God"), declares Paul. (2 Tim. 3:16.) "For prophecy was of old produced by no man's will," writes Peter, "but holy men of God spoke, inspired by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21). Thus Webster defines inspiration: "The supernatural influence of the Spirit of God upon the human mind, whereby prophets, apostles, and sacred writers were enabled to expound divine truth without any mixture of error."

According to Dr. Gaussen, "It is the inexplicable power which the Divine Spirit wields over the authors of Scripture, to guide them even in the correct use of words, and to preserve them from every error as well as from any omission." Thus wrote Dr. William Evans: "Divine inspiration, as defined by Paul in this passage (2 Tim. 3:16), is the strong spiritual inspiration of God upon men, enabling them to express the truth; it is God speaking for men, and therefore the Old Testament is the Word of God, it is as if God Himself had spoken every word of the book.

The Scriptures are the result of divine spiritual inspiration, just as human speech is effected by breathing through the mouth of man." We can say that Peter's statement reveals that the Holy Spirit was present in a special and miraculous way over the writers of the Scriptures, revealing to them truths which they did not know before, and guiding them also in recording those truths and events, of which they were eyewitnesses, so that they might present them with substantial accuracy to the knowledge of others.

One might judge, from reading the various creeds of Christianity, that it is a rather complex subject, full of theological enigmas and ruffled by obscure definitions. But that is not the case. The doctrines in the New Testament, as originally set out, are simple and can be defined simply. But over time, the church has had to face wrong and faulty doctrines and opinions, and has therefore been forced to surround the right doctrines and protect them with definitions.

From this process of exact and detailed definitions emerged creeds. Doctrinal declarations occupied an important and necessary part in the life of the church, and were an impediment to its progress only when formal acquiescence to these doctrines replaced living faith. The doctrine of inspiration, as presented in the Word, is relatively simple, but the emergence of erroneous ideas created the need to protect the right doctrine with complete and detailed definitions. Against certain theories, it is necessary to affirm that the inspiration of the Scriptures is as follows:

1. Divine and not just human.

The modernist identifies the inspiration of the Holy Scriptures with the same spiritual enlightenment and wisdom that such men as Plato, Socrates, Browning, Shakespeare, and other geniuses of the literary, philosophical and religious worlds were endowed with. Inspiration, therefore, would be considered just a purely natural thing. This theory robs the word inspiration of all its meaning and does not fit in at all with the supernatural and unique character of the Bible.

2. Unique and not common.

Some confuse inspiration with enlightenment. It refers to the influence of the Holy Spirit, common to all Christians, an influence that helps them to understand the things of God. (1 Cor. 2:4; Matt. 16:17.) They hold the view that this spiritual enlightenment is the proper explanation of the Bible's origin.

There is a faculty in men, so they teach, by which one can know God—a kind of eye of their soul. When pious men of old meditated on God, the Divine Spirit quickened this faculty, giving them insights into the divine mysteries. Such enlightenment is promised to believers and has been experienced by them. But this clarification is not the same as inspiration. We know, as it is written in 1Ped. 1:10-12, that sometimes prophets received truths by inspiration and were denied clarification necessary for their understanding of those same truths.

The Holy Spirit inspired the words but did not see fit to grant them an understanding of their meaning. Caiaphas is described as the vehicle of an inspired message (although he was unconsciously so), even though he was not thinking of God. At that point he was inspired but not enlightened. (John 11:49-52.) Let us note two specific differences between enlightenment and inspiration:

1) As for the duration, the clarification is, or can be, permanent. "But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until it is a perfect day" (Prov. 4:18). The anointing that the believer received from the Holy Spirit remains in him, says the apostle John (1 John 2:20-27). On the other hand, inspiration was also intermittent; the prophet could not prophesy at will, but he was subject to the will of the Spirit. "For prophecy was of old produced by no man's will," declares Peter, "but holy men of God have spoken, inspired by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21).

That prophetic inspiration would come suddenly is implied in the common expression: "The word of the Lord has come" to this or that prophet. A clear distinction is made between true prophets, who prophesy only when the word of the Lord comes to them, and false prophets who deliver a message of their own invention. (Jer. 14:14; 23:11, 16; Ezeq. 13:2, 3.) 2) Enlightenment admits of graduation, while inspiration admits no graduation at all. The degree of enlightenment varies from person to person, but in the case of inspiration, in the biblical sense, the person either received or did not receive the inspiration.

3. Live and not mechanical.

Inspiration does not mean dictation, in the sense that the writers were passive, their faculties not taking part in the recording of the message, although some portions of the Scriptures are dictated, such as the Ten Commandments and the Sunday Prayer. The word inspiration itself excludes the sense of merely mechanical action, and mechanical action excludes any sense of inspiration. For example, a businessman does not inspire his secretary by dictating his letters. God did not speak through men as one speaks through a loudspeaker.

Before, his Divine Spirit used his mental faculties, thus producing a perfectly divine message, and which, at the same time, preserved the personality traits of the author. Although it is the Word of the Lord, it is at the same time, in a sense, the word of Moses, or Paul. "God has done nothing but for man; man has done nothing but for God. It is God who speaks in man, it is God who speaks through man, it is God who speaks as a man, it is God who speaks in favor of man ."

That there is divine and human cooperation in producing an inspired message is well known; but "how" this cooperation takes place is more difficult to explain. If the intertwining of mind and body is already too great a mystery, even to the wisest man; how much more is the mingling of the Spirit of God and the spirit of man!

4. Complete and not just partial.

According to the theory of partial inspiration, writers would be preserved from error in matters necessary for the salvation of men, but not in other matters such as: history, science, chronology and the like. Therefore, according to this opinion, it would be more correct to say that "The Bible contains the Word, rather than saying that it is the Word of God". This theory would plunge us into a swamp of uncertainty, for who can unequivocally judge what is and is not essential to salvation? Where is the infallible authority that decides which part is the Word of God and which is not? And if the Bible story is flawed, then so is the doctrine, because biblical doctrine is based on biblical history. Finally, the Scriptures themselves claim plenary inspiration. Christ and his apostles applied the term "Word of God" throughout the Old Testament.

5. Verbal and not just concepts.

According to another theory, God inspired the thoughts but not the words of the writers. That is, God inspired men, and left to them the selection of words and expressions. But the biblical emphasis is not on inspired men, but on inspired words. "Having of old spoken to the fathers by the prophets" (Heb. 1:1).

"God's holy men spoke inspired by the Holy Spirit" (2 Peter 1:21). Furthermore, it is difficult to separate the word from the thought; a thought is a word before it is uttered. ("Do not begin to say in your hearts"; "the fool said in his heart"); a word is a thought given expression.

Divinely inspired thoughts would naturally find expression in divinely inspired words. Paul speaks to us of "words taught by the Spirit" (1 Cor. 2:13). Finally, a single word is cited as being the foundation of basic doctrines. (John 10:35; Matt. 22:42-45; Gal. 3:16; Heb. 12:26, ​​27.) We must also distinguish between revelation and inspiration. By revelation we mean that act of God by which he makes known what man himself could not know; by inspiration we mean that the writer is preserved from any error in writing this revelation.

For example, the Ten Commandments were revealed, and Moses was inspired to record them in the Pentateuch. Inspiration does not always imply revelation; for example, Moses was inspired to record events that he himself had witnessed and which were thus within the scope of his own knowledge. Let us also distinguish between inspired words and inspired records. For example, many sayings of Satan are recorded in the Scriptures and we know that the devil was certainly not inspired by God in uttering them; but the record of these satanic expressions was inspired.

[signsvital1-blog]

Autism Spectrum Discourse (ASD)

I’ve been exploring the possibility that I am on the autism spectrum. It’s something that came out of the blue, in a discussion with a close friend about her break-up, and the trouble her boyfriend had in relating to her on a human level. His lack of empathy, in particular. We fancifully speculated that the Jewish relation to autism is marked because of circumcision. And that, later, led me down the rabbit-hole of investigation to see if there was any truth to it.

Turns out there is a paper or two claiming a relation. But there are many opponents of those studies. Yet in all my investigations I came to find more and more signs that I may well be on the spectrum myself. While I had investigated previously, I think I had dismissed the likelihood because I am clearly not a low-functioning autistic person. I’ve never had the need to be cared for or have somebody handle some of my basic life functions. That said, I have struggled with many things.

The most crucial grounds for believing I may be on the spectrum is that in my teens and 20s, especially, I undertook massive self-directed study into how to become more social. I was a an uber-nerd pre-puberty, with computer programming, astronomy, and music composition my prime interests. I wouldn’t read fiction, seeing it as a waste of valuable time that could be spent learning about ‘the world’.

Later, turning to graduate studies, it was cultural studies and especially semiotics that captured my imagination. Through these fields I believed, with great excitement, that I had discovered a vast and valauble key to unlock the mysteries of the social world. I literally believed I know had tools to access the ‘hidden codes’ that govern the world of meaning – and thus of the social. Structuralism appears ready-made for autistics, as it is an advanced intellectual way of processing what for many people is learned intuitively: the norms of the social-emotional.

And I distinctly modelled myself on individuals who were at ease, and successful, in the social world. This has helped me a great deal. To most people I apparently seem very at ease myself in the social world. Even the world of small-talk and around the more elusive codes of social interaction. I may even have developed a certain charm.

Yet all is not as it seems, perhaps. And underneath, the cost of this is that often I don’t really know how I feel or what I really think about something. I may show great empathy, but how much of this is authentic, and how much is an act because I believe, more intellectually than affectively, that the other person is owed empathy. I do it not spontaneously, but because to not do it would challenge my own self-belief as a socially successful person.

I will write more about this at a later point. Suffice to say, I am ‘dialectically’ interpreting my possible relationship to autism. That is, while I have become utterly convinced that I am an adult with high-functioning autism or what used to be known as Asperger’s, I am continually subjecting that interpretation to scrutiny.

The trickiest part about the interpretation or diagnosis is that it is a spectrum, and not exactly a linear spectrum either. There are no signature symptoms unique to autism spectrum disorder (ASD). A diagnosis, according to Tony Attwood, is approached by identifying a significant number of symptoms from a wide range. And while it may be genetic, with around 50% of direct family members being affected, not all family members have the same symptoms. They might have very different diagnostic profiles, yet it makes sense. Diagnosing an individual is a family-resemblance (of symptoms) and also involves a family-resemblance cross-checking with other members of that individual’s family. So it’s clear how easy it could be to make a premature diagnosis. Just as it’s clear how easy it might be to miss a diagnosis (as Tony Attwood did with his own son).

Upon becoming convinved I am on the spectrum, I became energised profoundly. It made just so much sense. But also, it relieved me of a lot of self-imposed guilt. It showed me that my failings are not moral, but medical. In discursive terms, I was developing a new discourse of self-identity that offered a new subject position.

This is always going to be an affectively intense process. Stepping into the ASD discourse energises me because it offers a new explanation/understanding of who I am, where I’ve come from, and where I’m going. It articulates my identity, my subject-position, in a new way. Especially compared to the former way. So, it stops seeing me as lazy and weak-willed and hedonistic, and re-articulates my challenges as medical rather than moral. It offers hope. It comes with a new objet z (a new blocking element) which is the disorder itself (as well as my ignorance of my affliction). In turn, it offers a new objet a.

Here, then, is an account of my normal discourse of self-identity, and then the emergent Asperger's discourse:

Discourse 1

I am a talented genius, underachiever due to drug and alcohol use. I have discovered exciting discourse theories and my analyses can help propel progressive movements. I will be successful, but I am saddled by guilt for underachieving. Success is defined as recognition, international travel, transcendence, social esteem and sexual/romantic fulfilment. There is – or has been – a puritanical vision of a healthy, sober me. The vision is oriented around a ‘return’ to the blessed, pure, innocent young kid I was. Everything would change if I could only give up the weekend binges. Which I simultaneously will - it's inevitable - but cannot. This narrative structure is classic objet a: you'll inevitably return to the primordial fullness but cannot.

The primary affects here are guilt but also a manic thrill when feeling confident. It's not avoidance that sends me to the bottle. It's celebration. It's my brimming confidence that I am indeed on the path to realising my vision.

The fantasy at the heart of the discourse is that the world will be changed entirely by my contribution. I may have been placed here by God. My life is necessary.

The ontological ground of this discourse is personal, spiritual journey.

Discourse 2

I am talented, but it is an Asperger’s talent. That is, a talent for non-social and the unambiguous. My sense of contribution and talent has been an arrogance and fantasy based way of coping with my ASD way of feeling different, not fitting in, not being recognised in the way I should be. Drugs have been a way of making socialising easier, managing anxiety, and are a symptom of ASD. They do hold me back, but they are not my primary blocker. They are a response to my primary blocker, the objet z of this discourse: the cognitive and emotional traits associated with ASD. My objet a in this discourse is not just achieving career success (now that I've worked out what's been holding me back), but full health and a vibrant social life too. I need to incorporate my ASD self with my modelled self, and find a fruitful blend.

Primary affects in Discourse 2 are stabilisation and renewed hope.

The fantasy of this discourse is one of total reconciliation, but especially reconciliation of identity, self-recognition. Total vision. Total identity. No more vague or slippery sense of who I am. The Asperger's knowledge, combined with my existing self-understanding, produces total self-enlightenment.

The ontological ground of this discourse is neuroscience and psychology: it it the very material brain (my brain, an Asperger's brain) that undergirds these assertions.

:::

The question is: there's never a simply pure reason for choosing a new identity. There must be an affective drive, and in this case, that is due to the frustration I've had not being able to break the cycle of addiction, and the growing signs that this is profoundly holding back my career.

Can this new identity, and the strategies and practices that flow from it prove productive?

I hope so. We shall have to see.

Watch this space!