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ragingpancake · 3 years

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Another alien planet, another "ceremonial" wedding. Only they want Rodney to marry Ronon. Rodney's resigned to it (maybe even thinks it is a little funny). Ronin's rolling with it too. John isn't jealous. No siree! Not at all.

Sorry this took me so long to write! Thank you so much for sending in the prompt! <3 @exuberantocean

He’s not jealous. He’s not. What’s it to him if the Bheirats have decided that this is the perfect time and place to celebrate a marriage, just because, you know, they came through the ‘Gate and Ronon immediately scruffed Rodney to keep him from tripping over that stupid root.

And just because Rodney couldn’t stay on his own two feet, they’ve clearly decided that the reason they’ve come is to take part in their very secret ceremony and that Rodney has to be Ronon’s intended because, you know, Ronon kept him from chipping a tooth or spraining an ankle. John doesn’t care, no matter what Teyla keeps trying to communicate with her expressive eyebrows. But if he’s a little sullen as the Bheirats lead them into their village… well, that’s nobody’s business but his own. ---

“So, I think next time, we should probably, you know, weed out the planets with super secret wedding ceremonies,” Rodney says because this is their what, seventh one this year? He looks annoyed, though vaguely amused as a Bheirati woman tries (and miserably fails) to thread flowers through his hair. It’s their seventh one, but the first time Rodney’s been married to anyone but John. John’s not keeping count or anything like that, but it does think it says something that four out of those seven marriage ceremonies had Rodney marrying him, so suck it, Dex. Not that John cares. “You know, we could just… not go along with it,” he suggests and he mentally high fives himself for how not jealous he sounds, like he hasn’t got a care in the world. “You know we must take part in the ritual if we wish to trade with them, Colonel,” Teyla admonishes gently and John’s face screws up in a look of annoyance. “I just don’t think we should force Ronon to do anything he doesn’t want to do, that’s all,” John says and Ronon shrugs. “’m good with it,” he says and there’s a smirk that makes John think that maybe Ronon knows he’s not good with it, the traitorous bastard. “Hey,” Rodney says, hands flailing as the Bheirati woman finally gives up and instead plops a flower crown on Rodney’s head. “What do you mean if he doesn’t want to do it?! I’ll have you know, I’d make an excellent husband!” No one in the room agrees with that, but John grimaces. “Look, I’m just saying that we don’t have to get married on every damn planet with a ritual! That’s all.” “Uh huh,” Ronon says and he raises his eyebrow in what almost looks like a challenge. John absolutely does not like that look. “What did you tell me about weddings on your world? Someone has a chance to stand up and challenge the marriage, right? You wanna challenge?” “I didn’t say that. He’s all yours,” John retorts, because he has some dignity and is he imagining it or does Rodney’s face fall just a little? “Good,” Ronon answers and that smirk is back. He claps McKay roughly on the shoulder, enough to nearly knock him out of his seat before he squeezes gently. “Guess we’re doin’ this then.” “I guess we are.” --- It reminds him very much of this Catholic wedding he’d been forced to go to once, in that it drags on forever. John stands stoically beside Ronon, some version of a best man, while Teyla stands beside Rodney, hand never leaving his shoulder as if trying to soothe him. John, for his part, tries (and mostly fails) to keep his eyes ahead and not look at Rodney, but every so often, he glances over and meets Rodney’s eyes for a split second before the other glances away again. John wonders if maybe he has something on his face. That’s the only reason Rodney would keep looking at him like that. Right? --- “You know,” Teyla says much later that night while they’re all celebrating the marriage, “these things would go much more smoothly if you would just talk to Doctor McKay about your feelings.” John glances at her, eyebrow raised. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” She hums and John gets the distinct impression that if she had her bantos sticks, she’d beat the shit out of him for that. “Do you remember M3-X456?” “Yeah, the place that made you marry me. I remember.” “Mmhm,” Teyla responds, glancing over at where Rodney and Ronon are sitting, flower crown sitting atop of Ronon’s heavily dreaded hair where he’d plopped it earlier that night. “Rodney was very put out that the Drivots chose me to partake in the ceremony in place of him.” “What are you--…?” “I am simply saying that I do not think you are the only one who would’ve preferred to take Ronon’s place tonight.” She pats him gently on the shoulder. “I shall leave you to think on that one, Colonel.” But there’s nothing to think about, because clearly Teyla is mistaken. Rodney doesn’t--. That thought dies as he lifts his gaze and finds Rodney glancing over at him again. Huh. --- They make it back home without incident, save for Ronon’s major hangover that had him

puking up his guts in the gate room, but John thinks that it’s probably serves him right. An uncharitable thought, but a thought anyway. And it has nothing to do with jealousy! Nothing at all. Except maybe it does, just a little, and that can be the only explanation for why John calls Rodney to his office later that afternoon, looking supremely uncomfortable when the other arrives. “Listen,” he says, slouching against his desk, but he doesn’t get a chance for anything else before Rodney’s cutting him off. “No! You listen, Colonel! Just because I might not be your cup of tea doesn’t mean that others are incapable of noticing my charm and, and, and the fact that I might have more to offer than just my brain! Frankly, I’m offended that you think Conon wouldn’t want to marry me! What, do you think he’s too good for me?!” “What? Rodney, no, that’s--.” “Well! I’ll have you know that you were wrong! If anyone didn’t want to partake in that stupid ceremony, it was me! If these people are going to continue to force us into these damn things, we should at least get to choose who we marry!” And John stops short at that. “… who would you choose?” Rodney goes red at that. “No one. Absolutely no one. I have to go.” He turns and palms the door open but John stops him with a hand on his wrist. “Who would you choose, Rodney?” “… if you have to ask more than once, then you already know.” “Yeah,” John says and he tugs Rodney back to him, a hand on his shoulder to turn him around. “I’d choose you too, McKay.” John’s imagined before what it would be like to kiss Rodney, but never had he expected the butterflies and for a moment, it leaves him breathless. “Would you really?” Rodney asks when they finally break apart, blue eyes meeting hazel. “Absolutely,” John says, voice raspy, breathless even. “I mean, I’ve already married you on like, what, four other planets? I call dibs.” “You—what?” John kisses him again. “Dibs,” he murmurs against Rodney’s mouth. “But seriously, you think we can go back and get them to annul your marriage?” “You’re an idiot,” Rodney says, but there’s a fondness there. “Yeah,” John agrees. “Doesn’t hurt to check though, you know?” “Shut up and kiss me again, Sheppard.” John doesn’t need to be told twice.

#prompt fic #mcshep fic #mcshep #pairing: mcshep #fandom: sga #sga #stargate atlantis #john sheppard #rodney mckay #ronon dex #teyla emmagan

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inknose · 4 years

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mdzs read diary part IV, the end

It’s inspiring how much self care wwx is gonna finally get now that his husband will go along with whatever he does, so he’s gotta look out for lwj’s well being if not his own. that is emphatically the STUFF

dragging my hands down I face as I read this, after all these chapters of getting up close and personal with ghouls bleeding from every orifice, slaying ancient beasts, rebelling against the entire cultivation world, the two of them are absolutely paralyzed by middle school crush sleepover math

chicken

he actually drew kissy doodles .... he....

IDK I THINK I JUST DOCUMENTED THIS PART CUZ I WAS STILL SCREAMING you cant expect me to have very useful things to say at this point

this is torture you are both so mushy you are so GONE

This part really stood out to me, it’s an attitude I feel like wwx implies with his inner narration a few times but most clearly says here: he’s not one for allowing himself to exaggerate how bad his circumstances are/could be even a little bit - he’s already lived through some extreme low points and found a way to keep going, so he never makes sweeping statements about what he couldn’t live without (Inner JingYi: you’re supposed to say you’d be lost without him here!!!) Instead he seems to accept as a given that being alive doesn’t guarantee him any pleasantness or joy at all, and as a result his feelings toward being in TRUE LOVE are surprisingly pragmatic, but also colored with such gratitude. There are a lot of things in the novel that struck me, like this, as being just a little to the left of familiar tropes/sentiments, and were more touching for it. Whether it be the influence of culture difference as opposed to what I’m used to reading in most western romance stories, or MXTX’s unique outlook, or a combination of both, it was really refreshing and made me pause over it. Not “I can’t imagine living without you” but “I could be living without you, but instead I get to be with you and I think that’s the best thing that could happen.”

ADJFDKFJ THE UST BEING SO STRONG THAT EVEN THE VILLAIN COMMENTS ON IT IN THE MIDDLE OF EXECUTING HIS EVIL PLANS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT WILL NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH MY ASS OFF. hes like god damn! here I thought I had problems

it was at this moment that I realized we were doing this Now... I’m still recovering. What a scene. I am so glad I saw the most incredible fanart soon afterwards, bc the fact that someone has already drawn a perfect comic of this part means I don’t have to

I love you so much, you are so annoying, you are perfect... I like how he’s been experiencing openly requited love for all of ten minutes but he’s already figured out how to weaponize it to piss people off

doing!!! his!!! job!!!!!

ahh... it’s a really good story. JGY is a great character. One of the most interesting differences for me between drama watching vs. novel reading experience is that without an actor to bat his vulnerable doe eyes at you and smile faintly with his cute dimples, the book does not go much out of its way to try to lull the reader into a false sense of security around him or *endear* him to you the way the show does. But just by seeing events through wei wuxian’s POV, its still enough to evoke pity or understanding towards him. The overall impression is a bit more detached though, there’s less emphasis on the spectacle of how he could manipulate everyone closest to him and more of a general feeling of resigned tragedy that everyones the worst on this bitch of an earth.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND!!!!

I clearly paused to take note of less and less parts at the end & the extras due to: a) too excited to reach the end b) too spicy to photograph and c) too sleepy cuz I kept reading in the middle of the night. but I absolutely took the time for Bro We Are Teens appreciation corner:

I’d absolutely read 40 more extra chapters of their monster-of-the-week field trip antics.

god... poor Jin Ling now basically has to deal with divorced parents that talk shit about each other to him whenever he is saying with one of them. except they are both his uncles. just a disasterhood of all uncles from start to finish. AUUUGH wei wuxian and jiang cheng have fucked me up completely, I dream of them reconciling but I also REFUSE to believe it would ever be easy. let me know if theres a fanfic that absolutely tortures you for decades before they hug

HAHAHA oh no this man ain’t making it to immortality thats for damn sure. HE’S JUST GONNA TRY AS HARD AS HE CAN HIS WHOLE LIFE NOT TO LOOK AT HIM BUT THEYRE *MARRIED* SDLKFJSF ohhhh it’s too funny, like... the mundane domestic family drama IN the fantastical swords and sorcery setting is what really ratchets up these things from amusing to fucking hilarious I think

aaaa the end... final random thoughts? No not final, I would like to please keep discussing at length and exhaustively, all the time please - CQL has gotta be one of the best TV adaptations I’ve seen. ANY adaptation of anything would be lucky to be so good!! reading the novel has just made me appreciate it even more.

- I don’t think I can do justice to what I find most fascinating about comparing the two versions briefly, to do that I need to get drunk and ramble at my friends for hours but... the condensed version is something like this. Really all the significant differences between the two versions (besides the ones which can be attributed to censorship and therefore aren’t worth discussing) are a side effect of the structure of how the story is told - there’s barely anything changed arbitrarily. Aside from having a cold opening, the drama sticks to a very linear version of the story, and I think for a TV show or film, that’s probably the best way to do it. We see everything, we get shocked and tricked and betrayed and surprised along with the characters, we feel the biggest impact at the climactic scenes having experienced all the build-up. The novel on the other hand is not only much more non-linear in WHEN we learn bits and pieces of information, but that information is also obfuscated under wei wuxian’s multiple layers of Unreliable Narratoritis, which are as follows: 1) difficulty remembering things because of personality/avoiding painful memories/actual memory loss, 2) No Homo Goggles still on, and 3) a wry sense of humor that makes the reader unsure of how much they can trust his attitude toward things, especially near the beginning. The experience of reading is a puzzle the reader has to mentally piece together through all of the above listed camouflage, and the puzzle itself is a three-sided mystery: One - How Bad of a guy was Wei WuXian really, and how exactly did all the bad stuff in his life go down; Two - wangxian epic pride & prejudice gambits; Three - political murder mystery. (I love stories like this btw... though I fully admit I’m glad I watched first this time bc it might have taken me a long time to tackle otherwise.) Because of this, where the drama wants to pull you in and submerge you in all the most potent emotional parts, the novel in direct contrast deliberately side-steps around these things and asks that you hurt yourself by filling in the blanks. In fact the more intense emotions and painful memories involved, whether it be his relationship with jiang yanli, his DEATH, the darkest days of war times etc, the more the novel evasively withholds details. I actually really like both styles of storytelling but each one is obviously way better suited to its medium. ANYWAY.... THATS BASICALLY WHERE MY BRAINS AT WHILE IM READING GAY SWORD WIZARD BOOKS

- The extras are so saturated with domestic married bliss that it’s a good thing I stopped taking pictures because I’d just take a picture of every page. this is too much for me to take... I did jump the gun a few times and read a few fanfics while I was still mid-read of the book (I tried to hold out but alas I am mortal) and at one point after finishing I was like “wow what fic was it in where lwj says something cute and wwx kisses him in public but they’re in the corner of the restaurant so no one really sees... OH NO WAIT that was actually in there.” and ... and that’s the LEAST OF IT... *stares into the distance* theyre married wow

- I ofc couldn’t help but see a few vague blogs beforehand so honestly I was braced for something like, wildly ooc for the sake of porn to happen in the extras... I definitely appreciate how the incense burner porn interludes could be uhhh a lot for many people and not my personal cup of tea in terms of smut however [here follows the words of a poisonous frog who has dwelt her whole life in the rainforests of BL] the concept is also surprisingly SWEET SDFLKJF like wwx sees lan wangji’s darkest mixed-up violent teenage fantasies and he’s just like aww babe you had a crush on me!! just... good for them

- I swear I’m not gonna rehash every cute married thing they do but wei wuxian grading papers in the tub........................rEALLY GOT ME

- I want to Draw - ok thats enough if I keep going I’ll just write “wei wuxian grading papers in the tub” seven more times probably

#mdzs readthru #this obviously has many spoilers

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mikkock · 5 years

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Uhm??????? Unacceptable?? Please tell me more about your OCs in that last art? I demand it? I want a full report on my desk before morning? Cite your sources please?

Oh no,, you’re asking,,, about my own faves,,, sorry to everyone, but I guess im never going to shut up ever now. (i already don’t shut up ever, what have u done, im now going to speak so much that society will collapse AT LEAST)

But for real. I enjoy pretending I don’t have faves, I love all my kids the same, buT WE ALL KNO THAT’S A LIE, those two my fave bitches (they snatched that title from the last two faves, rip to them, and they also snatched, n I must really make that clear, the title of “the bitches with the most AUs from the previous previous faves. Their power.)

SO. Get ready for a ride, table of content: them, their respective character, their story, and the pLETHORA OF ALTERNATE STORIES I GAVE THEM because i must yell about all the versions of my kids i have (non-exhaustive cause its that serious bro, but ill take extra time for the universe depicted in that art just for u bby). (tbh if clamp is allowed to sprinkle their fave gays in all their universes so am i, except they aint secondary characters there, every story is just theirs. love that concept.)(itll be so long you’re getting a whole novel even if i have to post it in two posts)

So~ Em twos. Dari n Wei-wei as I call em, or Dumbass n Egg if you wanna get friendly.

They’re my proudest instance of “oops i made a squad of characters, and two of them just accidentally were so perfectly compatible and complementary oh no I guess they’re in love now.” And then they became my favourite. Cause I guess their potential was too much (jk its bc they hot)

cuties.

I spent ten minutes wondering which to introduce first cause dang son, I want to talk bout them both so much shefjgfdg

First, as I technically designed him first (like ten minutes before the other), my man weiwei. if u ever saw my art its impossible that you havent seen him at least once. cause i’m legit always drawing him. cause im in love bro.

Demonstration : here are my computer scribbled weiweis of 2020 so far (with a few daris there n there they’re a package deal), that i could find, and they do not include all the paper sketches that i’m too lazy to take pics of. (i just been drawing him with so much hair these days that’s illegal, his brand is baldness)

But anyway, he’s CHEN Chia-Wei, he’s 21, he’s Taiwanese n I love him. Two very important facets of his character when you meet him: he doesn’t talk, and is absolutely, in every single dimension, built to make you fall head over heels for him.

He’s (in the “canon” storyline if i may call it that since it’s def not my most developed one but oh well) an art student, mostly paints but is also great at photography and videography (his vibe is busy hectic pieces with strong bold colours, lots of harsh edges, and very people focused).

Aside from that, he’s also super into fashion, and because he’s part of the rich boy squad (the “im broke so im giving half my characters wealth in compensation) he Can and Does exhibit some quite funky fits when he feels like it. (maybe a reason I draw him a lot, since my fave thing is pretty boys in weird ass clothes)(and then i also draw him in just casual shit cuz tittiful men in plain white tees you know. there’s just something about it.)

Small compilation of outfits. ft me and my band handwriting roasting outfits that id also kill to own but ok u know.

He digs music. (i make playlists for my OCs and i gotta say, his is the best one, i spent so many hours researching it, “arranging” it etc n its still a work in progress but dude. she got many moods my fave part is when it suddenly turns into so many cheesy ballads also she’s enormous cause im as wordy in playlists as I am in writing.) listens to a lot, n also he can play piano n guitar. cause you know. heartthrobs got to win your heart with a song (and if he’s alone he can even mumble some songs, who knows maybe even sing em softly, definitly a sight to stumble on accidentally). Big main artists that have his vibes are Hello Nico, No Party for Cao Dong, n Circa Waves’s “what’s it like over there” album.

He does a lot of sports. He ain’t fit through magic, rip to him. He’s got a serious routine, and it’s a time he likes to use alone, cause nothing like running at the break of dawn, alone with your thoughts, which you can just easily forget through the exhaustion of a workout session afterwards.

he also eats. A lot. Food is just good, bro. (the canon story is def happening some place europe aka his biggest struggle is how expensive food is here. outrageous.)

He secretly loves super cheesy movies. the dramatic romcoms??? the cute shows that are just so cute and worriless?? anything involving soulmates??? yeh dude. he watches it, he reads it, he listens to it, and he may cry about it, but no one will know. That’s the one true guilty pleasure. (and he definitly has a collection of romance dvds, books n manhuas in his old room back at the family home. where no one can see it. perks of studying abroad. no one can see ur hoarding of material that clashes your image. “yes i watch edgy experimental things haha yes i love those smart people movies of course wow the philosophy…” and then immediatly goes to watch the trashiest predictable but oh so sweet dramas all night)

While he doesn’t speak (as in with the mouth) he can communicate in a bunch of language, due to having moved around quite a bit. On top of his native mandarin and hokkien, he’s fluent in English, so he can use those to write, and is also fluent in TSL, and pretty good in HKSL (and from that, other close-in-syntax sign languages). So he doesn’t have trouble getting around, but then he is also overall quiet in public (with close friends and over text though, that’s another story, that’s where he gets chattier, and also where you may get more of his true personality). Also, he can speak with his sister. That’s pretty cool bro.

I was going to say he’s a very “hides his true colours under a shell” type of character but you know, for an egg character, that’s pretty ironic. We love poetic cinema.

He presents himself as a very laid back, chill detached dude, going with the flow and all that great stuff, and masterfully mixes just the right doses of mysterious, flirty and calm to just go around vibing. But ain’t that jUST THE MILLENIAL’S ILLNESS, those dANG KIDS, going around, gettin relationships but never intimacy 👏😢 (there’s more to it dont leave)

First of all, before you see the Drama, the Turmoil, the first thing you notice when you really do befriend him is that he’s c h i l d i s h, he gets sulky when things dont go following the plan, he gets whiny n jealous for not getting attention , he gets competitive over stupid challenges, and way too playful if you start teasing, and when he gets flustered too…you think you get cool stoic dude but actually you get a dude who’s reacting to things with way too much intensity, and boi i thought u were gon be mature what’s that why have you been pouting for three days over losing a bet come on- That’s mostly coming up when he interacts with his sister, but the closest you are to him to more of it you get to see.

He’s also an affectionate dude actually. Like physically. As in you’ll get spontaneous hugs. He’s come nap on your shoulder. That’s a perk of befriending him if you ask me.

Also he tries to look so cool, so tough haha. He’s actually a lil sensitiv boi. he gets fluffy, he gets flustered, he heart eyes. you turn around and he’s gazing at ya as if you were the whole universe. he gets a mini crisis for holding hands with his crush. ya know. he’s secretly a softie.

nerd.

Then in the “what he doesn’t show” (my fave part), where you stock all the anxieties, all the trauma… Obviously there’s a lot of anxiety here (selective muteness being a symptom of it, he hides the other ones very well) mostly fear of inadequacy, of abandonement and of loneliness. mmmmmmmaybe that’s why he was v reticent to continue pursuing that one guy he was into when he realised he was just a tad too into him oh no is that some,, like?? some lovey-love?? cant have that im afraid of gettin heartbroken bro. Aint that sad for a someone who’s one true goal is just findin someone to love and to be with forever, the struggles of yearnin for a soulmate when there’s nothing you fear more than getting attached to a person and letting them see you and your flaws.., delicious.

Now tho (because its so alone speaking about a character on their own and i just wanna get to the part where i can speak bout em together and how they bring out bits of each others ya kno, the good kush….), Dari…

He’s pretty, i must say, and got the funniest hair to draw, and comes from the most opposite background to weiwei’s.

Darian Andriev PARVANOV, also 21, comes from the remote Bulgarian countryside, but i still love him (this makes it sound as if i wouldnt normally love someone from the bulgarian countryside. its not what i meant. by default ud remind me of my son so you’d start being liked if u came from the bulgarian countryside) Now for the first instance of “wow, the complementarity”. The first thing i thought making Dari was that he looked too cool, and that he obviously was a dumbass, and mostly that he was physically unable to shut up. (o fuck he’s me)

best picture i could find of him. He’s got the dilemma of “wow he looked so pretty n cool until he opened his mouth”

He’s ALSO an art student (cause they were initially created for the purpose of filling the gap of “i have ocs in every field except the one i sorta know that’s so stupid”), painting major (def vibes differently than weiwei though, he’s doing those soft pretty landscapes n flowers, everything real pretty and peaceful, we got some impressionism nerd in here folks).

He was/is a real country boy, farm family, he helped tend the fields, he worked in plantations for pocket money, he knows how to take care of cattle and chicken and goats and all the cool babies you can take care of, he can tell whether the soil is good or not, he can drive a tractor, and doesnt fear dirt.

but then also he’s kind of a neat freak, he hates getting paint on himself, so the duality of man, dirt ok but paint? disgostin. his spaces are real neat and spotless, he likes cleaning (its relaxing) and does it nearly too often.

his dumbassery comes from lack of common sense and impulsiveness, aside from that he’s actually what you’d call “mad smart”, dude had em good grades, he can memorise pages upon pages of the most trivial information, he has an accumulation of knowledge beyond limits, and is good at problem solving. so he can recite all the words of the F letter of the dictionnary, but would also put a curling iron in his mouth to see if it would curl his tongue. (side note, he does have a problem with heat n fire, most his “oopsie how i wound up hurting myself on acccident” story involve burning -that stove was just too tempting…)

while he doesnt feel very attached to his home country, he does feel strongly for his family. he’d do anything for his mum (and actually does everything to make her proud already, that’s his one main goal), and he’s ready to sacrifice a lot for her (as in, spend years working non-stop a really uncomfortable job so his mother wouldnt have to pay a cent of his expenses even though she said she could by doing some sacrifices herself,and then being ready to come back as soon as needed if anything happened, and potentially drop his career and dream n go back to the farm life to provide for mama)(also he still does hold onto some parts of his home country’s traditions, and does sometimes feel homesick but more in a ‘i left the most beautiful landscapes n the city feels cramped and claustrophobic and i dont know people and i dont feel in the right place cuz im a forreigner with a thicc accent who doesnt master the language of this place and straight up have different body language communicators due to cultural difference oh lord i wanna be home where a nod means no and a head shake is yes i keep misunderstanding everything”)

if you want background noise he’s the perfect pal to call over, he’s just so chatty, he got hours and hours of non stop speech ready for you. you can shut him up once you’re done listening with the offering of food. works everytime.

he’s definitly not shy. neither in terms of talking to people, nor when it comes to making decisions. he’s quite bold, and rarely hesitates to go towards something he wants. he’s direct in his approach to most everything.

he likes partying. mostly the socialising part, talkin to people is just fun ya feel. and being in the crowd, doing whatever, pressure free? ya can dance n enjoy yourself, and people wont notice? yeah that’s nice. but doesnt do it super often cause broke bitches aint got the party time n budget.

he likes arm. (just an excuse for me to drop this thing here cuz i like it)

While he’s an overall bubbly looking character, with a cheery loud personnality, he does carry some youth trauma that has him more reticent to engage in happiness, he comes from what you could call “not the wokest background” and he may have fallen victim of it : he’s kind of a flashy noticeable character, both physically and in his personnality, and doesnt exactly matches the expectations of dudes in the area he comes from (delicate, emotional and sweet guy? that doesnt exist bro). He went through it, and it has definitly had some impact on his confidence in many aspects. But he’s 100% the type of guy to put on the fake happy front because if feeling bad is sad, making the people you care about sad for you too is Unacceptable Right??? relying on friends?? what???

But then what are we supposed to be doing with such charming characters huh,,,

Make them fall in love obviously.

Their story obviously has to do with falling in love and workin a relationship cause if I dont write romance i literally die, but I make the center pivot of all of it communication, and barriers in communications. Most obvious being them coming from wildly different cultures, having different native languages, and also the ways you adapt to muteness (what i love most bout that part is even then they fucked up given the easiest quickest small body language things to communicate are head nods n then i managed to make one come from the one country that reverses those like iconic how do they even understand each other -through a lot of work and love bro) but also on more “introspective” points, how to say things that you are even afraid to think about, how to open up and share your burdens and trauma with someone, how to say words you’ve been convinced you weren’t allowed to, the inner turmoil of communication in short. And then also communication through art, and through alternative unusual ways. If i were snobbish i could call it something like “a thinkpieces on how humans overcome obstacles in communication, and adapt, all for the sake of pursuing love” but fact is its mostly boys being in love n learning how to speak, figuratively and also quite literally. And also its me having fun with making characters evolve from each other, be able to influence each other for the better, helping each other be more comfortable with themselves and express the true things of their personnality, and discover new aspects. I just wanna write intense and soulful love bro.

So in less concept and more facts, weiwei meets dari, dari being his puppy self just immediatly strikes a conversation and weiwei gets interested cause “oho nice pretty boy? very good. i want some of that”. they get closer because you cant fight off the Power of friendship (and also the power of “what your friend is bestie with my friend?? guess we hanging out”) and then friendship and interest turns into pining, held back by respective dread of what romance with the other would mean (as in “romance?? cant have that we cant feel” and “with him?? cant do that, convince yourself he’s just a friend immediatly what would the family think”) but eventually they do have to just crash into one another cause that’s just the gravitational pull bro, its physics bro. and from then on its all unlearning destructive behaviours, bettering oneself with the help of the other, and getting over trauma to finally live ur best life. and gettin fckin married bro they’re both cheeseballs theyll wanna wed

BUT MAKING EM FALL IN LOVE ONCE ISNT ENOUGH time to make 3894853 alternate universes about em.

Lets speak bout my fave of those for a hot second.

First of all, the one of the art that brought this ask, guess i could call it “Pretty Tribes” AU, bunch of tribes live and do their things, having nature and energy powers. Dari n Weiwei’s tribes are bros, the latter’s powers needing them to move around to get energy from different places, enabling them different abilities. So basically they get to hang at the other’s place while the regenerate energy from there, and in exchange they help them out with various tasks (dari’s tribe is a rly farmer oriented one, with plant magic, while weiwei’s got more poyvalent powers, and have very good healers notably, so it comes in handy). The two boys were born a few months apart in their respective tribes, so naturally, anything the two clans meet, they’re put together to play and all, and from that they became besties, and each time they meet, after the gaps of time separating the two groups, they feel more and more of a little something else~ story is themed round growing up, friendship between clans, their traditions and cultures, and pretty boys in pretty clothes in pretty landscapes interacting with nature.

The superpower AU, i fuckin love it bro. Its an old one, made for other characters, but i just love it so much that i had to inject my faves in it. Its got a grimy ugly setting, bad government, propaganda, and fights between super-people (heavily mediatised for entertainment and reinforcing the idea that “look at these evil villains thank god us the good government protects you from them”), with a side of bad ethics in science. In all that, those two have the role of “those two young enemy warrior and villain, they were so powerful and fought so hard”, public figures, legendary and admired by both sides, everyone followed their fights, til one day they presumably died in one of their showdowns. (haha sike they actually found themselves talking for 5 seconds and realised they lived in a society, n built a plan to run away). The main characters get to find they’re alive because one of em had history with super-warrior-golden-boy and go to seek their help to overthrow the Big Bads. (stealing them from their nice gay cottage hermit life smh so rude)

Mermaids. I like those. Sailor weiwei sees merman dari, they both save each other in different occasions, they grow fascinated with each other, they’re at sea, water romance. Amazing. AU made half cuz i just like water n fish. and shirtless sailors.

(i couldnt find art of it in five minutes so have a link to that lil animatic piece i made of it once)

Indie band AU, where i was listening to songs that vibe so well with those two in general n then my brain was like “what if they’re the ones playing”. They’re (along with the rest of the art squad) a nice little alternative rock band, doing their thing, then one of their songs blows up, and they get quite the attention, to the dismay of dari who wrote that song in a moment of “oh no im so in love with my bandmate but i cant tell him what if i ruin everything we have going on ill just have to love from afar and deal with that” and now has way too many people interested in who he wrote it about and theorising from his every move when performing it (a mix of music, secret crushes and social media) (ft a picture of neither of them but its the least ugly art i found of this AU cuz its old and instruments are the bane of my existence)(also kelana is so pretty i gotta flaunt her around)

in kind of the same vibe, as in we’re in a music world overexposed to social media, i also integrated em to an AU i did for fun, “boyband AU” as its called aka idol based band system cuz you kno, i got a hobby, lets apply it. Band boy Dari and bodyguard Weiwei got a thing going on, but can’t really act on it in any way, because they’d just destroy the whole band if it ever came public. Featuring annoying bandmates, catchy pop songs and people making fanaccounts of that one hot Mr.Bodyguard cause dang he hot.

(all the art of this one so ugly im sorry)

SPY AU, one of my fave brand. They spies, they get assigned on the same mission, they work real nice with each other. spies hot. fights. strategy. i just like the concept. Gays taking down the worst traffics imaginable??? I love that song.(i actually have so much on this cause s p i e s are fuckin great)

Fashion. U kNOW i have an AU for fashion. Supermodel and his private stylist, trying to maintain the line of professionalism. And failing to do so. Lets make out in unpractical designer clothes.

Have an highschool AU for a bunch of characters, injected them as “spinoff”, start chatting online being art buddies, fall in love without meeting (ft. all the iconics of internet friendship like knowing tiny details of their personnalities but not the fact that they have a sister or “waIT ur a GUY i thought u were a girl wow wild good news for my gay ass”)

n those are my faves as far as i remember, i got a fuckton of small other ones that arent fleshed out enough, or some that are more of a guilty pleasure universe, and some that are more like “projects that i can expend on as soon as i run out of daydream material” (like u kno those hospital drama shows with super innacurate medicine n shit like idk scrubs or whatever, yeh i want some of that but im keeping it for later)

#thats way less talk than i thought id do #prolly bc i wrote half of it when it was between midnight and one AM #wait no it was 2 am #but ye #sry if shit messy af #those two are my faves tho n talkin bout em on the spot is hard cuz my brain is screaming about everything bout em at once #if u wanna get more info on em do ask i love them so much n i feel i didnt do em justice here cuz speaking is a fraud words dont exist #im glad they caught ur interest tho #nothin more gratifyin than not being the only bitch who likes his own children

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rubnmerino · 6 years

Text

Nothing

I just woke up, its 4.50 am and I just got a nightmare, it's been a while since my last one, but the special thing about these one is that was with a person I really cared about but I dont really talk to her anymore, I dont feel like talking these to anyone so I figured to post it, either way nobody reads my blog.

I was driving in this crazy ass neighbourhood (never seen in my life before, I guess my brain just made it out) I was with my little sis talking about life shit and how everything has no real meaning and everybody was going to die and eventually be forgotten, until we got home and there was there was this big party in my house, I got mad becuse I barely known a few of them and I just wanted the people to get fuck out of my house and to be alone, so I started screaming at people until I saw these girl...

The one I told you before... , we usted to date, I really loved her, my problem was I mostly loved her in silence, the thing is I always love like that, anyway she left me in my time of need, I just wanted her to hold me really hard and to told me that everything was going to be just fine, while my whole world was falling apart, for different reasons we could never met, she was never available, so we broke up, for many time I thought she never cared about me, but hey! we all have different ways to love so I decided not to judge and hold on to the thought that she really was busy...

Anyway she was in my house, I felt really weird and unconfortable so I decided to avoid her but then she approach and started talking to me (fun fact she can always talk about randoom stuff, you are never going to be in that awkward silence with her, I loved that) then she helped me to get the people out of the house then I got lost, yes... I GOT LOST IN MY OWN HOUSE! that's not the point, the point is that I lost her, I really was decided to aske her why she left me the moment I needed her the most, why she never asked me how things were going with me, why she just disappeared, did she really cared about me?... Really weird things heppened in my dream, randoom shit... Until I got back at my house, it was with nobody in it, lonely as always, I got up in my room but then I heard someone crying, I turn around and it was her, I felt a bit happy but mostly worried, so I asked what happened... She told me that she got into a big fight with her dad and some other personal things, I listen to her, while she was talking I just kept admiring her beauty, God she is gorgeous, but I tried my best to stay focused in her problems, at the end I told her "I get it, but you need to learn that your dad is your dad and he is never going to change, you need to learn that you are already a grown up, that you have to figure things out by your own, to be independent, but lucky for you you are never going to be alone, I will help you in everything, be alone is hard as fuck, but you got me, until the last star in the universe die, you got me" then I hold her really hard and kiss her forehead. I took her to my room and we saw Netflix, she always show me new stuff and I was happy to saw her happy, then we slept together, not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

I woke up, it took me a while to realized that it was all a dream, that I was in my room and that I was here and now, but it took me longer to get it.... All the things I did in my dream and how I act and the words I said... Is exactly the way I wanted her to be with me the time I was down, so I got really sad today, because maybe sometime I expect too much from people, but I just wanted her to know that I really love her... Why do I and everyone I know pick people who treat us like we are nothing? I guess we actually accept the love we think we deserve

Anyway Im getting a bit dramatic so bye

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zoemurph · 7 years

Text

to have a friend, chapter eight: $192

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

holy shit do NOT expect updates from me this fast after november ends!!!!! i'm frantically doing nano as fast as possible and i am MAJORLY fucking myself over. after this is posted i'm writing 4 essays and catching up on readings (whoops)

this chapter has sooo much going on but a huge thank you to both sarah and flor for making it possible with your very different but very good ideas <3

warnings: depression, anxiety, references to suicide/past suicide attempts/self harm, some poor eating habits, a few mentions of drugs

enjoy and please read the end note on ao3~

High school is bulshit. Connor has known this since he first stepped into the annoyingly bright hallways freshman year because some asshole decided skylights were a good idea. It’s six hours of bullshit, with a bullshit twenty three minute lunch thrown somewhere in the middle.

It’s a lot of bullshit.

Somehow, having a friend makes it…less bullshit. A fake friend. Evan makes everything suck a little less. There’s something to look forward to when he shows up at ass o’clock in the morning. There’s a reason to push through the day, even if it’s just seeing Evan’s smile as he puts books back into his locker. Tuesdays are arguably the best because Connor gets a solid twenty extra minutes with Evan at lunch.

Which in and of itself is its own can of bullshit. A can that Connor should not have opened, but here they fucking are.

There are a few times where Connor genuinely considers telling Evan about his feelings. Platonic and romantic. And then he laughs at himself because no fucking way. On what planet would Evan Hansen like him in any capacity?

Connor is lucky that he’s been able to hold on to Evan as a fake friend. He’s not going to push his luck.

Every time he smiles at Evan he pushes his luck a little more. Every time he asks Evan to hang out without having a legit reason for it he pushes his luck. Every time he thinks about Evan—

Connor focuses on friendship. He focuses on friendship because he will settle for friendship. He would give anything to be Evan’s real friend.

It’s ridiculous but it’s true.

Connor is in way too fucking deep.

“Where have you been?” Larry asks from the couch when Connor opens the front door.

Connor rolls his eyes. “I was with Evan.” And Jared. It was weird but not the worst. Jared kept claiming he could beat Evan at Mario Kart and kept losing and had to buy the pizza. Even if all Connor got out of those three hours was the priceless look on Jared’s face when Connor rolled his pizza up like a burrito with the toppings on the outside, it was worth it.

“Hm.”

Connor shuts the door and pulls off his boots. He drops them by Zoe’s converse. “I told Zoe where I was.”

“So you’re talking to your sister again?”

Connor pauses. He was going to go grab a drink, but apparently not. “Why do you care?”

Larry lowers his phone. “Because she’s your sister.”

“…and?”

“How long have you known Evan?” Larry asks.

Connor frowns. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Answer the question, Connor.”

Connor grimaces at the sharp tone. “I don’t fucking know—”

“Language.”

“—like seven months? Why does it matter?”

Larry slides his phone into his pocket. “And how long have you known Zoe?”

Connor scoffs. “Seriously? Are you about to yell at me for spending time with my friend?”

Larry crosses his arms. “He’s always around.”

“Yeah, because he’s my friend and I like him? Zoe’s with her friends all the time, and you don’t say shit about that.” Connor walks into the dining room. If Larry wants to have this conversation, he either has to follow Connor or yell.

“Connor,” Larry says warningly.

“Maybe Zoe doesn’t want to spend time with me,” Connor snaps. Because Zoe doesn’t. And that’s fine. Connor has made her life hell so he doesn’t blame her for not wanting to have anything to do with him.

Larry stalks into the dining room and sometimes Connor forgets that Larry is where he gets his height. “That’s not the point.”

Connor throws his arm out. “Then what is the point!?”

“You have a better relationship with Evan than with your sister.”

Connor stares at him. “Why does this matter.” For some reason this hurts. It stings like he’s just submerged papercut covered hands in lemon juice. It hurts too much for fire to keep burning.

“You’ve known him for less than a year,” Larry says, voice low and dangerous.

“You think you’d be happy that I’ve found an actual friend,” Connor says numbly. The lie burns his mouth.

“You spend far more time with him than Zoe—”

“He actually wants to be around me!” Connor protests. Because he will listen to his father tear him down, but he won’t listen to him say anything about Evan. Not Evan. “Zoe—”

“Is your sister!” Larry yells. Connor feels his blood run cold. “When was the last time you were actually a brother to her!?”

Connor feels sick. The world cracks and crumbles around the edges and his insides freeze and shatter. He laughs. It hurts his chest. “When was the last time you were a father to me?” he whispers.

Larry’s expression doesn’t change. It stays hard. Cold and distant.

When was the last time—

Connor holds eye contact as long as he can. But he’s broken and the world around him is numbing and dying.

So he leaves.

He pushes past Larry, dropping his eyes to the floor with his tongue heavy in his mouth. He shoves his boots on and throws the door open.

“Where are you going?” Larry yells. Because he can keep doing this. He can do this for hours.

Connor looks out at their driveway. The dying grass and dead plants in neat rows. Brown and wilted and dying and dead. “Why do you care?” he asks.

He slams the door behind him.

It feels good to have a door to slam.

—«·»—

His feet bring him to the playground. There aren’t many places to go in this town.

It’s getting dark. There’s a singular light by the school that still turns on with the other streetlights. It illuminates parts of the playground in a hazy glow.

It doesn’t look real.

Connor sits under the stairs that lead up to the slide. If he closes his eyes, he can bring himself back to elementary school. He digs his hand into the wood chips, cold and jagged and stabbing at his skin. He can pretend. He can hear screaming and laughter and kids running up the stairs trying not to slip. Kids hiding under here, whispering secrets to each other. Someone throws the woodchips at someone else and gets yelled at. They play clapping games and tic-tac-toe in the dirt. They pull up grass and throw it in the air and fall off the monkeybars and fight over the swings and stand under the trees and play in the mud—

Connor takes a shaky breath as hot tears run down his cheek. He scrubs them away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

He hates crying. He hates how it makes him feel. He hates how tears feel, he hates the runny nose, he hates the sobbing and the ragged breathing and how it makes him feel weak.

He sniffs and wipes away more tears. God, he needs to get high. But he refuses to go home and his stash is running out because he’s low on cash because he’s been spending it all on Evan.

Evan.

Connor flexes his hands — they’re cramped from the cold and from the fists he’s been squeezing them in — and pulls his phone out of his pocket. At least it hasn’t shut off from the cold yet, that’s happened to him before and it’s annoying to deal with.

From: Connor To: Evan tell zoe im fine just needed to blow off steam emphasize im not with you

He’s surprised he can type actual words let alone with no spelling mistakes. His hands are cold and shaking. He presses his phone against his forehead and takes a slow breath.

Fuck.

Every atom in his body wants to walk to Evan’s right now. He just wants to be near Evan. There’s something about Evan that’s undeniably calming, even though Evan could be described as nervous energy barely held together in a human form. Something about Evan that makes him feel less at war with himself.

But he already used up his time with Evan for the day. Even just texting Evan feels like too much.

His phone buzzes against his forehead.

From: Evan To: Connor Ok j ust did!! Is everyhting ok??? Do you need ot talk ??

Connor stares at the message. He kind of want to cry again, which fucking sucks. And he told Evan that he would tell him if something was wrong but— no.

From: Connor To: Evan no not now maybe later

Connor stares at their conversations.

He asked Evan about cats at four in the morning once. Evan hadn’t responded until he woke up two hours later — good — but when he did he had a bunch of random cat facts. And pictures of Jared’s cat to share.

It felt like friendship. That’s what friendship feels like, right? Connor doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. But he thinks, somehow, he’s broken things. Whatever they are. Because he’s too attached. He’s too involved. Everything is too much.

He digs his fingers into the woodchips again.

Connor can’t decide if it’s better if Evan likes him or hates him.

—«·»—

Zoe texts him. He knows because his phone buzzes and he looks down and he sees her name right above Evan’s. Connor’s phone is at 4%. He turns on airplane mode and locks it without reading any of their texts.

Connor rests his chin on his knees and stares ahead into the darkness.

He doesn’t want to walk home. He knows he has to or he’ll probably freeze to death but that wouldn’t be too bad, would it?

No, that’s a bad idea.

Connor stretches his legs out in front of him. They feel weird, he’s spent so long with them pulled up against his chest. If he stands he might fall over.

He can’t feel his hands when he gets up off the ground. He climbs out from under the slide and holds onto the railing as his legs remember how they’re supposed to work.

He’s tired.

Connor squints into the darkness as he leaves the playground. The streets are so poorly lit in this area that he’s probably going to fall and break something. That’s what happens when people don’t use an area. They don’t care for it. And then some asshole teenager breaks his fucking leg walking home in the dark.

His phone would probably die before he could call for help too.

Connor stuffs his hands in his pockets and starts walking. He knows he should probably pay more attention, but he barely pays attention to the few cars on the roads as he makes his way down the sidewalk. As he gets into a more residential area, it gets a little brighter.

He looks up to cross a street and locks eyes with a doe standing in someone’s yard. It stares at him for a long moment before bounding away into the darkness.

Connor looks both ways and crosses the street, stepping around a puddle that’s starting to freeze over.

He stops when he gets to the bottom of his driveway.

If Larry tries to talk to him when he goes inside, he’ll leave. Connor’s already decided. He doesn’t know where he’ll go, but he’ll leave.

Connor huffs. He really just wants his bed right now.

The door is unlocked when he tries the doorknob. He frowns and slowly pushes the door open. A lamp is on in the living room, though the rest of the rooms are dark.

He quietly takes his boots off and closes and locks the door as softly as possible.

“Connor?” Cynthia asks as soon as he takes another step into the house.

Connor sighs. “Yeah it’s me.”

She gets up from the couch and hurries over to where he’s standing by the front door. “I was so worried,” she whispers, reaching up to touch his cheek. “Oh, Con, you’re freezing.”

“It is November,” Connor tries to joke. The singular stings.

The crease in Cynthia’s forehead gets deeper.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“Zoe said Evan texted her— were you with him?”

Connor pulls away. “No,” he says sharply. “I wasn’t. I don’t spend every fucking moment with him, god.” He walks toward the kitchen. His hands are still ice and he needs something to warm them.

“I never said you did.” Cynthia follows him. “Your father—”

“Don’t.”

Cynthia sighs. “Connor, we can’t pretend that didn’t happen.”

“I’m going to try.” He debates making coffee, but all that will get from his mom is a disapproving look. He reaches for Zoe’s mint hot chocolate instead.

Cynthia makes a frustrated noise. “Where did you go, Connor?”

“Out.” He grabs the first mug he sees. He resists the urge to drop it when he realizes it’s one of Larry’s, old and orange and so well used that the logo has washed off the side of it.

“Were you out smoking again?”

“No.” He almost wants to laugh. He wishes. He takes the milk out of the fridge and pours it into the mug. He’s too tired to do anything more than microwave milk right now.

“Are you sure?”

Connor sighs and turns to Cynthia with the mug in his left hand. “Mom, you would know if I had been high tonight. Weed smells? Remember?” He brushes past her and puts the mug in the microwave.

Cynthia watches him with sad eyes. She always looks sad and it’s Connor’s fault which is… It’s kind of shitty. “I was terrified,” she says softly.

Connor grimaces.

“I kept thinking… I was so worried that maybe you…”

If she starts crying— Connor doesn’t actually know what he’ll do. “I was fine,” he promises. “I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“Would you tell me if you were going to?”

Connor can’t meet her eyes. He watches the numbers count down on the microwave. He pulls the door open before it can beep. Cynthia sighs as he puts too much hot chocolate powder in the milk. Connor stirs carefully, trying not to spill all over the counter.

“You can always talk to me, sweetheart,” Cynthia says, squeezing his shoulder. Connor shrugs and she presses a kiss to his cheek. “We can talk in the morning. Sleep well.”

Connor stares down into his hot chocolate as she leaves the kitchen.

He has the strong urge to just sit on the floor and waste away.

He takes his hot chocolate up to his room and sits in bed and watches the Great British Baking Show on his laptop. It feels weirdly fake.

At some point he falls asleep. It all feels the same.

“Connor. Connor. Connor!”

Connor groans and rolls over so he’s not facing his doorway.

“Connor, if you don’t get up now, you’re walking to school.”

He squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “‘m not going,” he mumbles.

Zoe grabs his shoulder and shakes him. “Get up!”

Connor shoves her hand away. “Go away!”

“I’m not dealing with your shit—”

“I’m not going!” Connor twists to glare at her. “Fuck off, I’m not going.”

Zoe stares at him. She’s all ready. Her hair is braided over one shoulder, her makeup is done. Connor can’t even remember when she started wearing makeup. He doesn’t know when Zoe grew up.

“Did you hear me?” he snaps. “I’m not going to school.”

She takes a step away. “Okay. Okay. Fine. You’re not going.” She keeps looking at him. Why is she looking at him like that? “Go back to sleep.” She slips out of the room and Connor keep looking at the space she occupied.

He hears the front door open and close. He pulls the covers over his head and goes back to sleep.

—«·»—

Connor wakes up a little bit before noon.

His head hurts and his mouth tastes like death. He stumbles out of bed just to brush his teeth. He probably wouldn’t move other than the fact that his mouth is gross.

While he’s looking at himself in the bathroom mirror as he mindlessly brushes his teeth, he realizes he never changed out of yesterday’s closes. He’s still wearing ripped jeans and an old sweatshirt.

His phone is still sitting on his desk with 2% left. Connor plugs it in and turns off airplane mode and puts on sweatpants that are a little too big and a hoodie that has old paint stains on it. Then he gets back in bed.

He watches videos on his laptop, not really paying attention to what’s on the screen. He looks away in surprise when his phone vibrates. He picks it up and skims through the messages. He never read the ones from last night.

From: Evan To: Connor Ok IM gonna hol d you to that ok??

From: Z To: C Why the fuck did Evan just text me???? Where are you? What happened all I heard was Dad yelling and then you were gone Connor Don’t fucking ignore me

Missed call and voicemail from Z

Missed call from Z

From: Z To: C Pick up asshole

Missed call from Z

From: Evan To: Connor Umm Zoes freaking ou ton me? Connr what happened wheer are y ou ?

Missed call from Z

From: Z To: C Fuck you Ok? Seriously fuck you You’re killing mom I hope you’re fucking happy If we find you dead in a ditch somewhere I swear

From: Evan To: Connor Pl ease answ er some on e

From: Z To: C I heard you and mom in the kitchen. Fuck you. You can’t do this You’re terrifying Connor You scare the shit out of me I know you won’t respond tonight. I’ll tell Evan you’re ok This shit isn’t funny

From: Evan To: Connor Zo ejust text dme Im glad youre ok but I wsih you answered your phone I know thing s get hard but please let people know yoru esafe because otherwise peoplestart to think the wrs t and then they bother you and dont let you leave their sight We just want the bes t for you we want you to be ok Ill see you tomorrwo

From: Z To: C Just told Evan you won’t be here today. I’m guessing you still haven’t responded to him. Maybe try to be a good friend. Or even just a friend.

From: Evan To: Connor Zoe said you werent coming in today?? A reyou ok? Thats hte worst question to ask IM so sorry Please talk ot me Connor Its importan t Im coming over after school I knw thats invading on your personal space but I need to know if youre ok andif youre not going to answer texts I don tknow how else to reach you I have to help alana with stuco stuff because no on eelse wants to hang posters but Ill be there afterward even if its only for like two minutes can we please talk??

“I’m home!” Zoe shouts.

Connor glances up to the top of his phone to see the time. Shit. It’s already two. He doesn’t know how he lost so much time to YouTube. Which means Evan will be here…soon.

From: Connor To: Evan ok

“Connor?” Zoe calls out.

Connor stares at her texts and feels his stomach turn. “What?” he yells back.

“Come get your boots! Mom wants us to move ours shoes!”

He scowls and lays back down. “Fuck off!”

She yells at him to get them again, but he just puts headphones in and ignores her. He lays in bed and stares at the wall and listens to music that is way too loud. It would be nice to feel something right now. He distantly hears Zoe yell again and tries to turn the music up louder. The volume doesn’t increase and he makes a face and does a silent eulogy for his eardrums.

Zoe shouts his name again and Connor sighs and yanks out his earbuds. He tried. “What?!”

He can’t make out whatever she says next, but then she shouts, “You’re a dick!”

“Not fucking news,” he snaps. He’s about to put his headphones back in when Evan appears in his doorway. He’s still wearing his backpack and his arms are filled with food and there’s something tucked under his arm.

Connor stares at him. “What the fuck.”

Evan laughs awkwardly. “No dishes in the sink. We realized you probably didn’t eat today.” He looks down at the food he’s holding. There are chips and a container of strawberries and a loaf of bread and he’s carefully balancing a bowl on top of the strawberries.

“Why didn’t you—”

“Zoe had to run,” Evan says. “Something about an emergency piano job?”

Connor squints. “I forgot she plays piano.”

Evan nods. “Someone’s accompaniment is sick so I think she has to fill in. Can you, uh…”

“Oh, right.” Connor gets out of bed and takes the bowl from Evan. It’s filled with leftover mac n cheese. He puts it on the desk and then takes the chips.

“A-anyway, Zoe had to run and two trips are for suckers.” Evan puts the strawberries and bread down on the desk.

Connor rolls his eyes. “Okay.”

“These are also for you.” Evan pulls a stack of mail out from under his arm. “Looks like mostly college stuff.”

“Fucking college board,” Connor mutters. “Never should’ve taken the SATs.”

“Yeah, same. They won’t leave me alone. Oh! And Alana gave me notes for you for english. She started saying something about like…chiasmic?”

“Chiasmus,” Connor mutters, looking through the mail. Nothing he cares about. Great. He can set it on fire.

“Yeah that’s it!” Evan takes off his backpack and puts it on the floor to take out a notebook.

Connor stares at him. “Evan?”

Evan looks up at him. “Yeah?”

“Are… Why are you wearing my boots?”

“Oh.” Evan stands up straighter and lifts one of his feet. “Zoe kept yelling at you to bring your boots upstairs. Figured if I was bringing you all this I just…take them too?”

Connor stares at him. Evan looks kind of ridiculous. Connor’s all too familiar black combat boots are paired with Evan’s usual khakis and a gray sweatshirt with a striped polo peaking out from under it. The boots go up a little too high on Evan’s shins which adds to the look and Connor is now noticing that they give Evan a few inches that he definitely does not actually have.

“Is this what it’s like to be tall?” Evan asks with a smile.

Connor snorts. “No, Hansen. It’s not.”

Evan shrugs. “I’ll take it.”

“Aren’t those kind of big for you?” Connor’s mind is still trying to process this. Evan is wearing his shoes. That’s definitely not something he’s thought about before. Or ever considered. He thinks his brain might be resetting.

“Oh god yes.” Evan sits down on Connor’s bed and unlaces one of the boots. “It’s actually a miracle I didn’t like…fall down your stairs or something. That would’ve been embarrassing.”

“And painful.”

“That too.” Evan pulls off the boot. He’s still wearing his old sneakers.

Connor opens and closes his mouth a few times. “Hey, Ev?”

Evan starts untying the other boot. “Yup?”

“You’re wearing…your shoes in my boots?”

Evan looks Connor in the eye. “I already told you, two trips are for suckers.”

Connor laughs. It’s weird to laugh right now, like it’s the wrong emotion to feel. But he laughs and smiles at Evan because there is something about Evan wearing sneakers in his boots that’s ridiculous but also makes Connor’s stomach fill with butterflies. “Okay, Ev. Whatever you say.” He falls onto his front on the bed next to Evan. The moment feels too light. And then all of Evan’s texts come back at him in a crushing wave.

Connor grimaces. “Um…sorry for last night.”

Evan glances back at him over his shoulder. “I…” He rubs a hand over his face. “You scared us.” He says it softly, like a secret, and stares at his feet.

“I wasn’t thinking,” Connor admits. “I just… Fuck, I just needed to get out. And then my phone was almost dead and I didn’t want to talk to people… I fucked up.”

Evan nods. He wordlessly pulls his sneakers off and then crosses his knees on the bed.

“I had a fight with Larry it was…” Connor rolls onto his back and sits up. “I needed to be alone, I guess. I wasn’t really thinking about other people when I left. I didn’t even bring my house key.”

Evan scoots further onto the bed. “What did you fight about?”

Connor searches Evan’s face. His eyes trail over Evan’s freckles. They dot his face like stars. “Nothing serious,” he mumbles. “It just got out of hand.”

Evan leans back on his hands. “Is that why you didn’t come to school today?”

Connor runs a hand through his hair. “I guess. I just… Zoe woke me up and getting out of bed just seemed like the worst fucking option ever. I think I yelled at her, but I barely remember waking up.” He grabs the bowl of mac n cheese off the desk. Food. Right.

Evan nods. “I… There are days like that. Where getting up makes me want to cry.” He holds out a hand. “Can I have the chips?”

“That sucks.” Connor hands over the bag of chips and continues eating mac n cheese. The sooner he finishes this the sooner he can go back to not being a person.

“Yeah, kind of.”

Connor sighs. “Aren’t we a fucking pair.” He pushes pasta around the bowl.

Evan tilts his head. “Yeah,” he mumbles.

Connor frowns. “What is it?”

Evan shakes his head. “Nothing. I thought of something, but it’s not important.”

“Are you sure?”

Evan nods and reaches for Connor’s laptop. “Let’s just watch something and pretend our lives aren’t horrible.”

Connor watches Evan carefully as Evan opens YouTube and scrolls through the recommended videos until he finds one that isn’t too weird sounding. “Yeah that sounds like a good plan.” He puts his bowl back on the desk— he only had a few bites but his stomach is kind of done with food.

Connor takes the laptop from Evan and scoots over so they can both lean against the pillows. He rests the laptop on his knees. Evan’s arm presses against Connor’s and Connor tries not to think about it. He tries to focus on the random video that Evan chose. It’s probably funny or something.

But he can’t. Because Evan is here.

Evan is warm and curled toward Connor and his hair smells nice and he’s leaning his head against Connor’s shoulder to see the screen better. And Connor’s heart is doing this weird thing where it feels like it’s being squeezed which is honestly so fucking rude.

Evan sighs and moves a little closer.

Yup. This is hell.

—«·»—

“Connor!”

Connor’s heart races as he wakes with a jerk. He’s about to move when he notices the weight on his torso. He looks down to see Evan’s head resting on his chest.

Connor stops breathing.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy—

“Connor?”

Connor groans and squints into the bright light of the hallway. When did he fall asleep? When did it get so fucking dark out? Why is Evan sleeping on him? Why is Zoe always so loud? “Wha?”

“You aren’t dead.” A smile plays at the corner of her mouth. Connor squints at her. “Get your ass downstairs, we’re about to—”

Evan sits up, rubbing his eyes.

Zoe stares at him. Her eyes go from Connor to Evan. Connor wants to go back to sleep. He wants Evan cuddled against him because fuck that was really nice.

“Zoe?” Evan asks, voice soft.

Connor is not mentally equipped for this.

“…thought Evan went home,” Zoe says slowly.

“No,” Connor says. “Nap.”

“Right. Right.” She tucks her hair behind her ear. “Cool. Okay.” She clears her throat. “We were going to…” She gestures over her shoulder. “You know…”

Connor narrows his eyes as he tries to figure out what she means.

“Friday night? Shabbat?”

Connor props himself up on his elbows. “Oh. Right.” He looks to Evan. Evan’s hair is messy and sticking up in all directions and it’s making Connor’s heart do weird things.

Zoe follows his gaze. “Uh… Evan can…join us? If he…?” She gives Connor a desperate look. “Or stay here? Or sleep…? Um…” She raises her eyebrows at Connor. Connor shakes his head.

“Uh…I don’t really…” Evan clears his throat. “My mom and I— we don’t really do anything for Shabbat at home…because… My mom works a lot so we don’t— I don’t really…know what I’m supposed to do?”

Tension seems to leave Zoe as she smiles at Evan. “Don’t worry about it, we can show you. Connor doesn’t know what he’s doing either.”

Connor flips her off and throws off his covers. “I won’t be insulted in my own fucking home,” he mutters.

Evan crawls over Connor’s legs to get out of bed. “You sure I w-won’t ruin it?” he asks Zoe, tugging on his shirt.

“Swear,” she says, drawing an x over her heart. “We haven’t set the house on fire yet, so you’ll be fine.”

Evan steps past her into the hallway and Zoe immediately raises her eyebrows at Connor. Connor gives her a look.

“What is this,” she hisses into his ear.

“What do you mean?” he whispers back.

She gestures to Evan. “When did you two get together?”

Connor jerks away. “What?”

Zoe stares at him. “You’re—”

“No!” He lowers his voice. “Zoe what the fuck—”

“I don’t know! He gets you to eat and sleep what the fuck am I supposed to think?”

“Not that?”

“A-are you two coming?” Evan asks from the top of the stairs.

Connor and Zoe exchange a look.

“Later,” Zoe says.

“No.” Connor walks over to Evan and tugs on his sleeve. “Let’s go.”

Zoe squeezes past them on the stairs, flicking the back of Connor’s head as she goes. “Mom! Evan’s joining us!”

Evan grabs Connor’s hand at the foot of the stairs. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do,” he whispers with wide eyes.

“It’s fine,” Connor promises. “Just stand next to me and do what I do. But you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Evan looks toward the kitchen. “I… It’ll be fine. Yeah. I-I want to do this.”

Connor gives him a small smile and pulls him into the dining room. Cynthia places down another glass as they walk in and smiles at Evan. Evan nods and fiddles with his hands and Connor resists the annoyingly strong urge to hold his hand.

Zoe passes around her purple kippot from a drawer near the sink, and Connor wonders how long it’ll take before his falls off this time. He watches Evan read the inscription inside of the date of her bat mitzvah, before nervously pressing it on his head.

They stand behind their chairs at the table, small glasses of grape juice — or in Larry’s case, red wine — next to their plates. Connor watches as Cynthia lights the candles and waves her hands over them before covering her eyes so she can’t see the flames as she sings a short prayer for the candles.

Connor tries to concentrate on the Hebrew instead of the glow reflected in Evan’s eyes. Those are bad thoughts. And it’s also not the time for them.

Cynthia moves to her seat and lifts her wine glass. Connor nudges Evan as the rest of the family does the same. Evan shoots him a thankful look and a tiny smile. They keep the glasses aloft as Cynthia makes Kiddush, only awkwardly joining in at the end of the blessing.

Connor remembers Zoe learning the other parts of it for her bat mitzvah, but she probably feels too uncomfortable to sing along with Evan here. Not that Evan is the most awkward and uncomfortable part of their dysfunctional family.

Everyone takes a sip of their drinks — Evan a little belatedly — and Cynthia removes the ornate cover from her handmade loaves of challah on the cutting board. Connor remembers when she used to buy challah for them, ordered specially from a bakery, shiny and with white flour. Sometimes on holidays they had raisins.

Now she bakes them gluten free and several weeks in advance, but at least he remembers the blessing for once (the food was really the part of Hebrew school he looked forward to), so he joins in quietly with everyone, trying not to focus on Evan’s wavery stuttering. The bread is sliced and the cutting board is passed around, and they all take their seats.

Connor hears an audible sigh of relief from Zoe. Evan looks to Connor and gives him a half smile. He’s gripping the hem of his shirt in his hands under the table. Connor smiles back.

Zoe is still right, they haven’t burned the house down.

Dinner is awkward. Honestly, Connor wasn’t expecting anything else. It’s awkward and quiet and the little talking that is done is done by Zoe and Cynthia. Connor does his best to just not look in Larry’s direction. He will ignore this as long as he possibly can. Next to him, Evan is tense and keeps his eyes mostly on his plate. Sometimes him and Connor make eye contact and Evan will give him a tiny smile and Connor’s heart tries out a fun new pattern. Evan keeps touching his kippah, sometimes adjusting it, eyebrows furrowing whenever he does. He’s probably worried about it slipping or falling into the soup or something and honestly, Connor relates.

They survive. That’s the important part.

“Told you it’d be fine,” Connor says as they go back up to his bedroom. Evan probably has to go home at some point but Connor is very pointedly not thinking about that.

Evan laughs. “I thought my kippah was going to fall off. I’d probably find a way to make it catch fire.”

“I’d be impressed.”

Connor eyes the stack of snacks on his desk before grabbing the carton of strawberries and sitting on the edge of his bed.

Connor holds out a strawberry and Evan takes it while saying, “You know, we just ate.” Connor shrugs. “Fruit is healthy.”

“I mean you aren’t wrong.” Evan drops down on the bed next to Connor.

Connor stares at him for a few moments. He’s probably got some sort of embarrassingly soft look on his face but it’s fine. Then he remembers that Evan is here. “Oh shit, I have money here some—”

“No,” Evan interrupts.

Connor shakes his head. “We agreed—”

“Fuck Jared’s list,” Evan says. He glances to the doorway and lowers his voice. “I wanted to be here, Con. I wanted to see you. D-don’t… You don’t have to pay me.”

“Are you sure?” Connor asks softly. He feels…like he’s using Evan but worse. Because this is not the agreement.

Evan nods. “I’m sure.”

Connor runs a hand through his hair and looks away. “Okay,” he says, stomach turning. It’s okay. It’s fine. “Okay.”

#connor murphy #evan hansen #tree bros #convan #deh #my fics #to have a friend #so many things are happening

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pitifulbefore-a · 7 years

Text

this is long as hell but I really like what I wrote about Jeremy’s grief if Michael had died in the fire so uh?? here you go

ophelias-Today at 12:24 AM

JEREMY BREAKS DOWN, LIKE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY JUST CRUMPLES. SQUIP IS YELLING AT HIM FOR MAKING A SCENE. SHOCKING HIM TO GET HIM TO MOVE. HE CANT. HES FUCKING BROKEN HE FEELS LIKE HE LOST A PART OF HIMSELF. AND ITS HIS FAULT HOLY SHIT DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE WOULD BLAME HIMSELF

andveronica-Today at 12:26 AM

i'm fucking sobbing i can't believe this shit

Bae-ley-Today at 12:26 AM

!!!!IF HE HAD LISTENED TO MIKEY MIKEY WOULD HAVE LEFT THE BATHROOM AND WOULDN'T HAVE DIED I'M CRYING

andveronica-Today at 12:27 AM

christine would decorate this locker, fill it with flowers and notes and a picture of him and she'd hang some earbuds there

ophelias-Today at 12:27 AM

YEAH AND THATS WHY JEREMY BLAMES HIMSELF

Bae-ley-Today at 12:27 AM

FU C KING JER WANTING THE SQUIP OUT LIKE THEN AND THERE

ophelias-Today at 12:28 AM

HONESTLy

SQUIP YELLING AT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALLWAY. JEREMY YELLING AT THE SQUIP TO GET OUT. LIKE ACTUALLY YELLING. AMÉLIE HAS TO COME GET HIM AND ITS THE FIRST TIME HES TALKED TO HER IN MONTHS. HES HALF SOBBING TO HER AND HALF SCREAMING AT THE SQUIP

andveronica-Today at 12:29 AM

christine would want to walk over to him to make sure he's okay when he's still in the hall but she probably gets held back

Bae-ley-Today at 12:30 AM

BECAUSE THE LAST TIME HE SEEN HIM WAS RIGHT AFTER HE CALLED HIM A LOSER SO HIS FACE JUST IS HAUNTING HIM

ophelias-Today at 12:31 AM

JER JUST SCREAMING YELLING AT NOTHING APPOLOGIZING HOPING MICHAEL WILL HEAR IT

tbh he doesn't blame rich for the fire as it is now but if michael died in it............. hoooo boy

Bae-ley-Today at 12:32 AM

OH SHITHE WOULD BLAME HIM CUZ SOMEONE GOT WORSE THAN HURT AND IT WAS HIS BEST FRIEND J E SUS

ophelias-Today at 12:32 AM

IT WOUDL BE BAD. HED BLAME EVERYONE. HIMSELF THE MOST BUT HES JUST SO. ANGRY AND UPSET. HES LASHING OUT AT EVERYONE

andveronica-Today at 12:33 AM

I just realize... rich would take an involuntary manslaughter rap for it, at best. Bc like... Since he knew the house was full prosecutors could go for homicide

ophelias-Today at 12:34 AM

jeremy just. 'GOOD'

andveronica-Today at 12:34 AM

Cause like... When it's just arson he can get parole. Murder? Nope.

andveronica-Today at 12:36 AM

Jeremy would probably be the most mad at Rich and Christine, if you think about it. Rich set the fire that killed Michael. And he got the squip to impress Christine, and the squip is what made him say the things that made Michael go to the bathroom.

ophelias-Today at 12:36 AM

even if someones trying to comfort him

jeremy? blaming everyone around him? shoving everyone away? hating everything and everyone no matter their role? more likely than u think

Bae-ley-Today at 12:37 AM

OR MAD AT HIMSELF THE MOST CUZ THE SQUIP WAS OFF AND EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS HIS FAULT

ophelias-Today at 12:37 AM

DEFINITELY MAD AT HIMSELF THE MOST

andveronica-Today at 12:38 AM

Christine WOULDN'T stop trying to help him as much as he pushed.

ophelias-Today at 12:38 AM

im not joking he finds out at school and he crumples then and there on the ground screaming cant catch his breath 'get out get out you killed him you fucking killed him get out GET OUT I KILLED HIM YOU LET ME FUCKING KILL HIM'

Bae-ley-Today at 12:39 AM

WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T IMAGINE THE LIKE MICHAEL "burn it" SCENE BUT WITH JER SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY ABOUT THEIR STUFF

Bae-ley-Today at 12:39 AM

OH GOD HE DIDN'T WEAR HIS HOODIE. JER COULD HAVE HIS HOODIE

ophelias-Today at 12:40 AM

jer takes that hoodie and never lets it go wtf

Bae-ley-Today at 12:40 AM

SOBS ON THE FLOOR HOLDING IT TIGHTLY

ophelias-Today at 12:41 AM

listen jer finds the hoodie and it s like losing michael all over againon the ground clutching it unable to move or even notice whats going on around him sobbing and yelling at himself or anyone that comes near

Bae-ley-Today at 12:42 AM

WHATEVER YOU DO ALSO DON'T IMAGINE HOW BROKEN MR.HEERE WOULD BE

andveronica-Today at 12:42 AM

Daddy Heere would be heartbroken

Bae-ley-Today at 12:43 AM

bUT IT WOULDBE LIKE. LOSING HIS OWN BLOOD SON. LIKE LOSING JER

ophelias-Today at 12:44 AM

mr. heere's grief is more silent than his son's because he's trying to be supportive. but he also just retreats completely never goes to work excuses himself to cry silently where jer cant see

Bae-ley-Today at 12:45 AM

MMMMM OKAY SO TWO FUNERAL ANGST IDEAS MICHAEL'S PARENTS DON'T COME OR TWO , they DO AND JER YELLS @ THEM

ophelias-Today at 12:45 AM

jer screams at him one day because jer's grief is angry and blood boiling and he's like 'you dont even care!!!' and mr heere yells back 'he was like my own son of course i do!!' or smth and they end up ugly sobbing and holding each otherjer screams and screams and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to mr. heere but he listens and tries to calm himlisten if jer ever sees michael's parents again you can bet you he's gonna yell at them

andveronica-Today at 12:47 AM

Imagine how empty that funeral would be I'm sad

Bae-ley-Today at 12:47 AM

JER JUST WOULD ALREADY BE ANGRY AND UPSET BUT IF HE SEEN THEM HE J UST RAGE

ophelias-Today at 12:48 AM

thats the one time jer's grief is anything but seeing red and he's just crying and over michael's casket which is closed obv and he's probably not in there but he's crying and talking like maybe michael can hear him oh god

andveronica-Today at 12:48 AM

It'd be his brother, the Heeres, Christine, a couple people from school who felt bad... Maybe his parents.

Bae-ley-Today at 12:49 AM

LUNA MY F UCMING HEART

ophelias-Today at 12:49 AM

'yknow i was gonna bury your hoodie with you because i know you love it i thought you could use it but i cant michael i cant. if i give it up it feels like im giving you up i cant do it again. michael im sorry im sorry for everything you didnt deserve this it should have been me'

ophelias-Today at 12:50 AM

he stays there for hours after the funeral just appologizing for everything

andveronica-Today at 12:50 AM

Christine would be really soft in her attempts of comforting Jeremy, BUT. After all his anger and resistance?? She'd break out a little tough love and just

ophelias-Today at 12:51 AM

from everything w/ the squip to breaking his favorite crayon when they were kids

his dad leaves and comes back to pick him up later jeremy falls asleep next to the grave because its been hours that he's just been talking w/ no answer and trying to fill a space and days since he's been able to sleep

Bae-ley-Today at 12:52 AM

OH G OD AND LIKE THE FIRST WEEK OF WHEN HE'S BURIED HE KEEPS VISITING HIS GRAVE

ophelias-Today at 12:53 AM

first week?? first month. he makes a trip up there at least twice a week for the first year once a week until he graduates highschool. tells him everything

ophelias-Today at 12:55 AM

( 'rich told me how to get rid of the squip. who knew, mountain dew red? i know you love it. but ah, it's-- it's gone now. i'm sorry it wasn't soon enough.' )

#░ ჻ OOC // the squip lurks instrumental. ]#░ ჻ HEADCANON // ticks and fidgets are persistent. ]#death//#long post//#caps lock//#YEAH I TRIED TO CUT IT DOWN BUT YIKES WE TALKED A LOT #I took like #all of us screaming at each other out #and all the messages that were sent one at a time were combined into one #and its still long af #like literally double the length if I kept us screaming at each other because we're literally crying wtf #p. s/ave tba.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

im honestly so much better than i thought i was.

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant.

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy.

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels.

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade.

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked.

no. listen.

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much.

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing.

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either.

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you.

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head.

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them.

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright.

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it.

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth.

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene”

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs.

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself.

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much?

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high.

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money.

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine.

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him.

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month.

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do.

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy.

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go.

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful.

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death.

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that.

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that.

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grubhivemind · 7 years

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JACE: -the past few days have been full of some intense introspection, mixed with all manner of emotion, and some that aren't even his own. he knows what he wants to do, but he can't just do it. he needs to tell people. he needs to quit keeping secrets.- JACE: -it's a little late when he emerges from his room and he'd prefer not to bother his parents right *now* but they weren't the first person on his mind anyway. he starts his search for joel, who... he's fairly certain is still here. he hopes he is.- JOEL: *Definitely still here. Joel finds himself out in the patio, having a drink and sitting crosslegged on a deck chair cushion. He seems preoccupied talking to someone via text but is otherwise on his lonesome. Probably responding to Rammie's string of snapchats regarding her trip to Febrealia.* JOEL: *An ear angles back to Jace when he enters. That old concern starts gnawing on him again.* Hey. JACE: -aw geez... his heart starts racing as soon as he sees him. he wishes he were braver.- JACE: Hi. -steps over and takes a seat with him, probably too cautiously.- Um... JACE: I wanted to talk to you. JACE: Is that okay? Uh. Are you good to talk? -geez way to make it obvious he's a mess. not that it's a surprise to anybody.- JOEL: Im good to talk. *Joel would say he doesn't bite but that is the very opposite of true.* JOEL: ... JOEL: *gestures at another deck chair. Maybe the one at the opposite end.* JACE: -nods slowly and plops down in the chair. for a second, he just wringes his hands, posture anything but relaxed as he leans over his legs.- JACE: I... JACE: Well, I mean... JACE: -exhales, shoulders sagging.- You probably already know why I was in the forest that night. JOEL: *slowly puts his phone away to give Jace his undivided attention.* No. I dont why you were in the forest. JACE: -alright, he's PRETTY sure he's just trying to get jace to be straight forward which... is fair. and he wants to be. for another second he avoids eye contact, heat rising to his head quickly.- JACE: I was following Kougah. I wanted to check on him after what happened at the town meeting. JACE: Because... Because Ive still been hanging out with him. A... A lot. JACE: And-- And I was worried. About him. -eyes start to prickle with tears already. why does he have to be like this??- JOEL: *He hears all this and swallows against an ugly amount of bile rising up as he makes connections.* You still been hanging out with him. /A lot./ *echoes the words so Jace can hear them too. As well as how disbelieving Joel is that they're real.* JOEL: *but now he's swearing under his breath, unable to keep a cap on the hiss in his voice.* ...God. JOEL: Just... *Is there even words for this? Joel can't seem to grasp the concept.* What... the hell is wrong with you?? JACE: -shrinks into himself, the bite of joel's words resounding in his head, somehow managing to overpower even the thud of his heartbeat in his ears. it's a good question, really, but he knows he can't let himself be bowled over. swallowing the tightness in his throat, he squares his shoulders in prepartion for more verbal strikes.- JACE: When you told me what you did... I was angry... And I wanted to understand. I didnt... I didnt get it, because he-- JACE: He saved me. JACE: I started coming to Avalon when I heard about the missing people... And the spiritual activity. I wanted to study it... Because I wanted to help. But I didnt know what I was getting into and... I might have died if he hadnt shown up. -eyes flood with fresh tears again remembering it. it makes everything that happened that much more painful.- JACE: So, I... I wanted to confront him. About why. And how. He could do that. And I told him-- How much Rammie meant to our family. And to me. And I told him to make things right. And he said he would, because-- Because how I felt mattered to him. -ducks his head, choking a little on the tears now.- JACE: I thought that maybe things could get better. That we could work something out because... He-- I cant... I cant explain it. I guess it doesnt matter. Its no excuse. JACE: I just... didnt feel so lonely anymore. JACE: ... Im sorry. JOEL: *Rage is flooring past any amount of sympathy or understanding Joel might have had for Jace. It's fueled by the gut-wrenching fear and the heartbreak of knowing there wasn't a damn thing Joel could do about any of this. Joel stands with such a vicious snarl.* YOU COULD HAVE DIED IF YOU STAYED WITH HIM. DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT??? JOEL: And you... YOURE the one worried about HIM??? HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT JACE???? JOEL: It only took ONE FUCKING MISTAKE AND RAMMIE SHE JUST... He FUCKING LEFT HER IN THAT FOREST JACE. HE WOULD HAVE LEFT HER THERE AND WE WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND HER. JOEL: So Im asking again WHAT THE *FUCK* IS WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU SAY YOURE HELPING PEOPLE??? YOU JUST ADMITTED IT! JOEL: YOURE JUST HELPING YOUR OWN GODDAMN FUCKING *SELF*. JOEL: WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE WHO GIVES AN ACTUAL SHIT ABOUT YOU WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?????? JACE: -drags his hands over his hair and through his hair, trying with all his might to stand tall and take it, but he just can't, eventually crumbling into desperate sobs. he doesn't know what's wrong with him, and suddenly he's unsure all over again what he should do.- JACE: -did he really want to go back to help, or was there some fucked up selfish ulterior motive he couldn't quite identify? images of the dead pack of wolves and what may become of avalon flood his thoughts, followed by a rush of rage and grief and uncontrollable helplessness and it takes all his power to keep him planted in this seat instead of finding something to drive his fists into. instead, he j JACE: ust digs his nails into his scalp and mutter under his breath.- JACE: I dont-- I dont know...... JOEL: Well you better fucking know. *growls, the sound very real in the way Joel grits his teeth. Trying not to give into the ill feeling he feels in the deepest part of his stomach.* Because youre thinking of going back there. And trying to fix a goddamn PROBLEM that was never yours to begin with. JOEL: You just??? SOMEHOW made this your problem. And I wont say somehow. You know exactly what youre doing. JACE: Thats not... -not true, he wants to say, but it pitters off meekly as he completely loses sight of what even is true. he doesn't know why he listened to anybody who supported him. the reality is that he's a selfish idiot, so desperate he'll forgive anything just to grasp at a little bit of happiness, and that complacency makes him an apologist of unforgivable things. that makes him no better than JACE: a murderer. maybe in some sick way, that's why they deserved each other.- JACE: I wont go. JOEL: *He exhales sharply, feeling like his chest was being cleaved in two. The wound seeps with pain, invisible but very very fresh. Joel would clutch at it if he only could.* I hope so. I dont... *falters, his guard wavering* JOEL: I dont know what else to do with this. JACE: -keeps his voice quiet and his head lowered.- Theres nothing else to do. Theres nothing... JACE: Theres... *nothing.* -hiccups, kick starting yet another series of sobs.- JOEL: *Everything hurts and nothing is okay. But Joel keeps pressing on, draggig his hand down his face. As long as it helps steer off the waterworks.* Theres not nothing Jace. Dont you see that? JOEL: Theres still You. JOEL: And damn if Im gonna let you believe thats not good enough. JOEL: Whatever else happens... you did try. JOEL: And it fucking counts okay? I dont care what anyone else does or says. JOEL: You just... JOEL: Cant fix something like this. Or someone like him. JACE: -it's hard to swallow any kind of reassurance after being repeatedly questioned about what's wrong with him. so what if he has himself when he's awful? so what if he tried when he did it for selfish reasons? he gets the feeling he's just being talked down so he'll stop crying, and the idea leaves him hollow enough that sobs dissolve into sniffles and he can start to wipe away tears without more re JACE: placing them. he just nods slowly.- JACE: Okay... JOEL: *he's quiet a moment, grappling with the physical desire to reach out to his brother. But it feels like such a dangerous thing. Like they could both hurt each other more than they already had.* Im... JOEL: Really sorry. JOEL: *Joel doesn't suspect there's more to say after that. With a trot down the patio steps, he's gone down the beach. Taking off into the stretch of night.* JACE: -there's another long moment where jace sits alone, blotting out everything till he's only left with a buzz of white noise in his head. and only after his thoughts are disturbingly clear does he get back up to go to his room. nothing left to do now but sleep.-

#devicefulflightrisk #estrapadingTrueblue #in which whats wrong with you

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astralworld-blog1 · 8 years

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Donald Marshall someones mom would die in a car accident... they'd want time bounced back to the last proton slam to prevent the accident by not letting her leave the house that day Donald Marshall everyone would want to do that for accidents and big death tolls and wars n such. Donald Marshall the tech is being abused as nefariously as they can now... Donald Marshall they are so incredibly cruel... Lill Fragill Castle what are they tryin to do Donald Marshall you'd have to see it to understand my friends... Donald Marshall many things. Laurence Mountford soo. what did I say when we did this before, if you remeber. also hello. ust woke up. wow its actually morning time here for me Donald Marshall laurenceeeee Laurence Mountford Donnn Donald Marshall theres probs with rats n dracs. Laurence Mountford Um with Ya budddy Donald Marshall things are pissed Donald Marshall then apologetic to me with tears. Donald Marshall alien tears?!?!?! Laurence Mountford eww Laurence Mountford theyre really scared huh Donald Marshall noooo... nephelim are trying to show off and compliment me... Donald Marshall draconians are doing the same Donald Marshall they hate each other... Donald Marshall shits weirder than ever Carey Yost they're hams? Lill Fragill Castle were the damn hams Donald Marshall i said i hate em both and wheres the fuckin AK!?!? Donald Marshall nephelim and draconians dont get the chance to talk there much... because... Laurence Mountford so we have anywhere up to like 5 races and perhaps beyond running about underground warring? Donald Marshall merely the sight of them takes years off peoples lives just looking at them as rem clones temporarily... Laurence Mountford earth is not as separate as we'd think Donald Marshall not warring yet Donald Marshall minor scuffles here n there... Donald Marshall they want me to choose a side... I said neither... I'm human Laurence Mountford well they must have warred in past thats what im saying. and now its all an uneasy alliance... Donald Marshall pro human... Donald Marshall they said I'm savior... Laurence Mountford fkin aliens man... Donald Marshall they said I'm their savior too?!?!?!?!?1 Donald Marshall no laurence.... theyre mad that I dont care about them Trautmann Martin how is that possible ? Donald Marshall their survival... Laurence Mountford They were all already here. ahh thats ust cause youre an opportunity for them to potentially use to escape judgement Donald Marshall they said they always thought since i was a kid that I'd find a way... Donald Marshall there is no way Trautmann Martin false Donald Marshall they kill humans sometimes on impulse.... Donald Marshall they want to peacefully co-exist with humans... Donald Marshall but they eat humans... Laurence Mountford so did you to a couple of them Trautmann Martin thats the way Donald Marshall they said they'd give that up but I just dont trust em. Laurence Mountford good Donald Marshall theyre acting nice Lill Fragill Castle if they have no thumbs they arent behind the LHC thats people Donald Marshall theyre NOT NICE Trautmann Martin let them perform a ritual or something like that, that they have to stop Donald Marshall IT IS A DECEPTION AND ALWAYS WILL BE!!! Carey Yost Is it feasible to avoid a compromise? Carey Yost oh Donald Marshall if there were good aliens they are dead now... Trautmann Martin that .. if they do it again there will be no forgivness Donald Marshall I offered isolation and quarantine underground. Trautmann Martin are we not some good aliens in thier eyes ? Donald Marshall they accepted but they want humans to give them STUFF REGULARLY!!1 Donald Marshall and they have humans down there... Laurence Mountford what stuff? Carey Yost game shows! Laurence Mountford what trapped? prisoners? Lill Fragill Castle hostages? Donald Marshall whiCH i actually demand be released even if theyre permanently retarded or something by now... Laurence Mountford playthings... Donald Marshall they have people down there yes... Carey Yost mac books Donald Marshall I will not leave them there... Donald Marshall I can't plug the holes and leave humans down there... Trautmann Martin good man.. Donald Marshall aliens got a breeding program down there... body farm... can't have that... Trautmann Martin why we can't use dem? Trautmann Martin ...those beings? like they use us ? Donald Marshall for some unknown reason... I have some authority with them... Donald Marshall I AM NOT DOWN WITH THEM... Lill Fragill Castle war is to be won...difficult times Donald Marshall oh mannnn Donald Marshall no war Felicitas Feigl their existence needs to become visible for everyone, they can not continue to stay in the dark and humanity not knowing about them Donald Marshall they will surrender Donald Marshall they have to stay in the dark... sun blinds em. Lill Fragill Castle ok even better Trautmann Martin ya thats why u could set up some limitations for dem Donald Marshall theyre all built for underground. Donald Marshall theyd have to be seen and known about... Felicitas Feigl meaning that people know about them, what they have done etc. their influence on humanity... Laurence Mountford ust shine light into holes Donald Marshall on tv and like real tv no greenscreen stuff. Laurence Mountford not even a need to plug them Donald Marshall examine some dead ones. Donald Marshall people will know they are real... Laurence Mountford put sentries there. they can learn by dying too much Donald Marshall no fake pluggin holes n never see them... Donald Marshall people will question that and i'm not wanting to be doubted... Donald Marshall so gonna have to see some ugly things... theyre gonna talk... people are gonna have heart attacks all over the world. Donald Marshall just to see the horrifying things on tv and be shown their bodily functions... Lill Fragill Castle wow man ,when? Donald Marshall like parasitical takeover... Donald Marshall thats gonna make people some mad......... Carey Yost maybe accompanied with soothing music.. Donald Marshall I really dont know how I lil old me is going to keep a bunch of people calm after that... Trautmann Martin herbs Donald Marshall nope no soothing music. Donald Marshall that is a psychological ploy and i will never ever do that Carey Yost Seen Trautmann Donald Marshall people would recognize that and have doubt in me... Donald Marshall think I was being like politically deceptive. Donald Marshall Know what I mean Carey? Carey Yost Yeah you've thought this out. Impressive Carey Yost Do we have a time table? Trautmann Martin In the End we all are one.. we have to find a solution that is good for everybody. Lill Fragill Castle i dont want war but arent we in one (someone is killing me ,my friends and our planet,if not rats and dracs then its traitor humans Carey Yost Donald do you get any recall from bounce backs? Donald Marshall its close Donald Marshall good question carey Donald Marshall hmmm sec Donald Marshall first time they bounce back, if you have a chip you get STRONG deja vu of everything all day... Donald Marshall second time you know half of whats gonna happen all day Donald Marshall third time you know the whole days events. Donald Marshall much to it. Donald Marshall they did it as a joke to me for 6 days. Donald Marshall like the movie groundhog day. Donald Marshall I was scared yes... thought I was stuck in a star trek time loop thing... Donald Marshall then I decided to mess with my friends... because of course... you know whats gonna happen alllll day and yer hanging with them that day... you can tell them whats gonna happen... Donald Marshall I did it too well... Donald Marshall i'll tell you this story... Donald Marshall it is trivial and not necessary but... Carey Yost favorite kind Donald Marshall I lost this friend of 10 years... that I hung with every or every second day... we were tight. Donald Marshall but I scared him to death. Donald Marshall by accident. Donald Marshall ok... Donald Marshall his name was Darrell... real nice guy... I pick my friends wisely, that are normal and have personality traits that wont clash with mine. Donald Marshall i made small groups of like minded friends... it was fun... no nonsense or infighting for dominance... Donald Marshall u kmow what I mean... Donald Marshall ANYWAY Donald Marshall wake on the first day... played halo the video game with darrell... Donald Marshall this is good... read this... it was freaky as fuck... Donald Marshall and I swear to God it is true Donald Marshall upon my word of honor... which even though I broke ratting on the illuminati and bodysnatching aliens... I dont think that counts and I do consider my word intact and unblemished still. Donald Marshall some japanese dont agree they say its a strict thing... Donald Marshall I dont think the rest of japan or the world will agree in this situation... Donald Marshall ANYWAY Carey Yost lol Donald Marshall Darrells girlfriend calls him on his cellphone... she has a flat tire at a coffee shop down the road... needs us... Donald Marshall we go... have a certain conversation about stuff Donald Marshall on the way there... well we arrive... he inspects... he does automechanics... well he was mad Donald Marshall she must have ridden up on the curb he said... there was a chunk out of the very edge of the rim. Donald Marshall exaaactly the size of my baby finger... Donald Marshall to the first knuchle... lil inner ding. Donald Marshall he had to do some welding... Donald Marshall OK whiiile standing there passing him tire tools... and the spare.... a car pulled up... and from the passenger side a little girl stared at me... Donald Marshall and it was close up i was on the grass next to the curb... Donald Marshall ok... the light at the intersection was red... Donald Marshall this kid stared at me like I was a monster... which is weird in itself becfause kids usually like me... Donald Marshall ok they drive off... darrell is pissed about the rim... we take her home, we go do odd jobs, rest of the day... then end of day, we played the 2 player game Halo 3 again... then went to crash... night night right? Donald Marshall no... Donald Marshall Illuminati had just given me most of my clone memories... I was in the hospital with heart traouble just before this... Star Moncada Morning all nighters Donald Marshall so that night... they activate a clone of me... I hadnt said anything on the internet at all... I think I said ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL years ago... on fb here way back Donald Marshall wellll... they activate a clone of me that night and say you will join us or we will leave you in a seperate time loop and forget about you... for you it will always be wednesday... Donald Marshall I said I'm not joinin fuck you... nazi scum.... Donald Marshall well they tortured the shit out of me badly... worse and longer than usual... because the time bounce would be less damage on my real heart Donald Marshall WELL HAHAHAHA Donald Marshall next day wake up,... play some halo with Darrell... HEY... i thought we already finished this level and the next??? Donald Marshall we did Donald Marshall so I'm getting hard deja vu all through it Donald Marshall like constant... Donald Marshall his girlfriend calls... i remembered... I said Darrell if she tells you that she has a flat tire... something fucked up is going on... Donald Marshall well he gets on the phone... looks at me and then thinks we are tryin to PUNK him... like pull a prank on him!!! Donald Marshall because she |HAD A FLAT!!!! Donald Marshall well... we went... he's thinking he's the brunt of a joke the whole time... Donald Marshall he's asking what the hell me and her are trying... no surprise birthday party... what could it be Donald Marshall get there flat... dent in rim of rim... exactly the size of the tip of my pinky... Donald Marshall then I remembered the kid Donald Marshall OMG!!! the kid rolledup and stared at me AGAIN for like 30 seconds!!! Donald Marshall so now i'm freaking out... Donald Marshall he's asking me to pass him the tire iron and I'mstaring off into space... Donald Marshall well... Donald Marshall now he thinks we got her to get a flat on purpose for some joke or to inconvenience him Donald Marshall ok... then he logically thinks about it... was mad at me too... Donald Marshall then thinks something weird is going on... Donald Marshall I'm not remembering everything though... on this second run through this day... Donald Marshall well he's freaked out... doesnt know what to make of it so we didnt talk much... did odd jobsrest of the day and played the Halo game 2 player that night... nighty night again right? Donald Marshall nope. Donald Marshall well... the third day... Donald Marshall I remembered it all as soon as I woke up. Donald Marshall oh clone activation that night was just the same as the previous one... join us or stuck in time loop... u know... neverrrrr and stab stab stab stab... Donald Marshall i got out of bed and hoped against hope he wasnt going to be sitting at the coffee table eating cheerios with milk in the bowl... Donald Marshall peeked around the corner kinda apprehensive... YUP! Donald Marshall SAME! Donald Marshall so now i'm freakin out,... he wants to play Halo... Donald Marshall the videogame... same as last 2 times... Donald Marshall then I thought he was in on it... maybe a host i dunno... Donald Marshall but he wasnt... he didn't remember ANYTHING!!!!! Donald Marshall well with how mad he was... I wanted to mess him up because he was doing the same stuff... so... at the end of one level before he'd gone to the kitchen to get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Donald Marshall as we beat the level... with me givin him hints because id played these levels a couple times now... supposedly never played them.... I said LOL Donald Marshall YOu darrell are now going to go and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and tell me to wait. Donald Marshall he looked at me really funny... Donald Marshall kinda like when I said about the flat tire call... Donald Marshall and he said no.... I'm gonna go get a can of coke though... Donald Marshall and he did that instead... just to prove me wrong or somethingHAHAHAHHAHA Donald Marshall ok ok Donald Marshall he was weirded by that though... Donald Marshall he cant explain that... Donald Marshall anyway.... I said Darrell man... theres something fucked up going on... and at around 11 am your girlfriend is going to call with a flat tire that she just got... and there is going to be a ding in the edge of the rim exactly the size of my pinky finger... Donald Marshall it was like 9:30 Donald Marshall am Donald Marshall so... he was blank faced... didnt talk while we played the game... like the previous 2 days... Donald Marshall I think he was dreading the call... Donald Marshall he jumped and looked at me... it was like 10:45am Donald Marshall he answered it talked to her and looked at me like I wasn't a human being... Donald Marshall i dont know how to explain it... Donald Marshall anyway, I said don't worry i'll tell you all about it... your in no danger... Donald Marshall he's like yaya lets go get her and change the tire... Donald Marshall told him on the way there... I wouldnt trick ya or anything make ya look dumb... theres just something weird going on, you know me... trust me I'll tell you whats goin on no worries... Donald Marshall he was worse when he saw the rim... Donald Marshall looked at me... didnt think I was tricking him anymore and looked a little scared... actually worked on the tire change faster... ANYWAY!!! Donald Marshall i said DARRELL!!! I gotta tell ya somethin mega important... in like 20 seconds this creepy kid is gonna pull up n stare at me for the full duration of the red light... watch just watch my friend please... i kinda need your help. Donald Marshall well it was like the third car after I'd said that and same thing happened,... i was so confident, i turned my back to the kid and smiled at Darrell... I didnt have to tell him to look he did.... kid shoulda changed her view to him... he was close to me and staring at her... nope she stared at me... Donald Marshall well... now he's weird mad. Donald Marshall now he doesnt know what to think... Donald Marshall told me later that at the time he thought I was some sort of unnatural being lol Donald Marshall so we did the same stuff... he gave me silent treatment for a little... Donald Marshall I said darrell I know yer smart let me tell you whats happenin flat out no bullshit, i promise... Donald Marshall he sez alright then... I DO want to know... Donald Marshall we were about to go do these odd jobs... Donald Marshall I told him it was time loop that weve done this day third time now and he cant remember but I can... Donald Marshall he pondered. Donald Marshall and not long, he knew that could be the only explanation... Donald Marshall asked me if I had power over time or something like a wizard LOL!!! Donald Marshall i said nope my ex relatives as you know are evil want me in the cloning said I'm stuck on same day till I join... Donald Marshall 3rd day man... your actually taking it much better than yesterday or the second day... Donald Marshall he totally believed me, he knew me personally and knows I'm honest to a fault Donald Marshall .I told him then how our odd jobs will go. Donald Marshall what his gf will have ready for supper when we get back... Donald Marshall and that we'd play game Halo... at like 9:30 Donald Marshall and different things... Donald Marshall they all happened. Donald Marshall freaked em out bad... he thought I had alien attention on me torturing me... powerful ones Donald Marshall and I did... and do... Donald Marshall but it was refreshing to tell em all about it... Donald Marshall anyway next cloning same... next day same... Donald Marshall seemed like such a waste of time to explain everything to him...again... Donald Marshall we'd talked soooo much on the third one... Donald Marshall I was instantly depressed thinking I was doomed. Donald Marshall I didnt play game with em that morning, I just layed in bed... Donald Marshall told em his girlfriend would be getting a flat at 10:45 from runnin over the curb, ding in the rim exact size of my pinky finger... at like 730am... Donald Marshall well it happened again... Donald Marshall had a different effect on him. Donald Marshall now he thought I was an alien or unnatural thing... as he was getting deja vu of that feeling from the previous days... Donald Marshall people without chips just get deja vu... Donald Marshall so theyve said. Donald Marshall but yeah, warned him of a couple other things that happen... and left and did some other stuff that day... he didnt need me to help with the jobs that day anyway... Donald Marshall did all different stuff. Margi Steward Fuck, thats a mind fuck! Donald Marshall anyway... him and his girlfriend thought I was some kind of freak now for fortune telling the wheel and rim exactly when it hadnt happened yet... Donald Marshall anyway... they didnt want to be around the forces that were victimizing me... because they have kids and they had now seen some weirdness and know what i was sayignabout illuminati clone stuff was true... they believed me anyway, but that confirmed for them and they were scared to be around me after that. Donald Marshall end of story. Carey Yost ah man Carey Yost the last day tsk Donald Marshall not the worst way i lost a close friend Donald Marshall queen elizabeth cloned up my buddy Ryan... good pal Donald Marshall clothed clone inna ring stands full... Donald Marshall i was made to watch. Donald Marshall theyd juuust made em... took 5 months... Carey Yost ugh.. Donald Marshall she said do you know who i am? He said shaking ummm queen of england? Donald Marshall she said yes... if you continue to be donalds friend aid him if he needs you hang with him at all, I will degrade the lives of you and your loved ones in wats you cannot imagine. Donald Marshall forget him. Donald Marshall he agreed... he thought he was real body at the time Donald Marshall started pleading for his life Donald Marshall she said remember what i said ryan. Donald Marshall ok ok ok ok ok. Donald Marshall well Donald Marshall he moved... and not only did he not hang with me... but he didn't even hang around with anyone I knew at all... even remotely. Carey Yost wow Donald Marshall some of his friends that were also friends of mine would call him/ he would make a quick excuse and hang up. Donald Marshall she did that with a few of my friends... Donald Marshall some of my friends were the kids of illuminati members... Donald Marshall I didnt know... and they remembered cloning too... Donald Marshall i didnt until age 29 or 30 Margi Steward bitch Golden Knight thank-you for sharing this information Donald Marshall already did, you just never read the back stuff. Golden Knight i have donald - just appreciated the expanded version Donald Marshall thats how it works Donald Marshall and it doesnt have to be the same day... could be same week month... all depends on when they made the last set slam. Read more: http://donaldmarshall.proboards.com/thread/147/hadron-collider-manipulation-project-pegasus#ixzz3QasqsbIe

#Donald Marshall #Groundhog Day #Project Pegasus #Large Hadron Colliders #Timewaves #Timewave Zero

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