#sorry crinhe wall of text

[crystalis]

i kmow that im not anywhere near ready for a relationship bc i cant talk to people and im bad at communicating but i think about love all the time, like being intimate with someone and telling thm i love them and it feels really sweet ..

even if like i had feelings for someone and they like wanted me to be their boyfriend or whatever i think i would decline bscauase i know im not ready for that because it would probably end up not working because i struggle too much with communicating .. and i wouldnt want to hurt them by being distant or seeming cold when i dont mean to .. but also like i dont know when i'll be ready for a relationship, if ever. i usually feel like its my fate or something to live my life alone like my brain is just wired like this and im meant to be by myself. but i still long for it and its one of the things that makes me happy to be alive, thinking one day there will be someone i love and they will love me too and we'll be happy together and i wont be alone. its weird to me whrn i see people suffering in loneliness becsuse im so used to it, ive been single since i was 19 which was like a 2 month long-distance relationship i had. and before that it was when i was 16 whrre my boyfriend was horrible to me and our relationship ended terribly and we never spoke to eachother again ..... ive spent so much time by myself that its like.. do i reslly need someone? its been so long i accepted solitude. i mean i still yearn for love, but not in a way thats as painful or makes me cry like i used to.. i cried so much as an 18/19 yo because i felt like i would never be loved again and i grieved for that, i hadnt yet accepted solitude despite the fact that i was the one pushing everhone away. i wanted to be loved, i pleaded and begged to be loved and i wanted my love to be accepted by others. all the while turning away and closing the door, closing my eyes and covering my ears .. i would not answer the phone, i wohld not even speak to the person i had feelings for. and its that second self that lives inside me tht wont let go of me, saying that i must be alone. for years i was smotherrd and i couldnt get away, and its like im trying to make up for it or something, like no one can have me. no one will ever get ahold of me ahain, because i was once suffocated. i refuse to ever be smothered again i will never be guilt tripped or manipulated again, i will mever be trapped in 14 hour daily skype calls again and i learned to love solitude because i believed that solitude was freedom, and it still feels that way, 6 years later even when it may become painful

so im trapped with my self now. i pushed eberyone away and locked myself inside my own skull so i can die in bliss alone. i dont know how to escape the cycle of self isolation and wanting to heal and grow, it flips constantly .. i know its judt the fear of stepping out of a comfort zone, like im safe alone, and i dont ever want to feel pain like i did. the pain of a dysfunctional relationship is far worse than the pain of loneliness but i can never heal by isolatimg myself forever.... like whst am i even supposed to do .. i mesn i know what im supposed to do its just hard and i feel like i cant