#sorry i got rid of the spotify link it was the size of the damn drawing

[eggsploded]

2x spacetime jam sesh !!!!!!!!! 🐏🐕

[monsternme0101-blog]

He knew what I was...❤🦂

Let me begin this life event by saying this... Since the demise of my marriage, I have become a different person. I call this my "AHA moment." That moment when you sat back and thought to yourself that, you really fucking are going to be okay.  After Johnny left, he moved on. We got to where we aren't talking shit anymore. And sometimes have real conversations. Our marriage is over. We loved hard and we loved fierce...but there was more than 2 in that marriage. We used to say "You and me and the devil make 3." I loved that man. So fucking much.  I fucked up. We were already cracked, but I was the one that broke us. A stupid decision that I made in a bad part of our lives. I will always always regret it. If it makes a difference Johnny, despite what you think, that killed me too. And in my soul, it scarred me too. Breaking your heart and destroying you, seeing that light go out in your eyes for me, destroyed me.  I will never hurt anyone like that again. I am so sorry. I'm glad I had THAT love and I am glad it was you. You're still a fucking dick for the cops shit, having me arrested a couple of times and being an overall evil person. So fuck you for that.  Since I left JC, all that shit happened. It hurt. Really fucking bad. I got spun the fuck off. Bad. Really bad. At one point, I was completely hopeless and didn't give a shit anymore. I was done.  During this time I heard a story that literally changed my life. A friend of mine, Rita told me a story about a scorpion. 🦂🦂 There was a scorpion on a rock in the middle of a rapidly moving river. The scorpion needed to get to the other side of the river. A man walking on the bank saw the scorpion on the rock and told him he would give him a lift to the other side under one condition. "You can't sting me." He told the scorpion. The scorpion agreed and the man picked him up.  When his feet hit the bank on the other side the scorpion stung him. He says to tge scorpion, "You stung me. You've killed me. Why?" The scorpion tells me, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."🦂🦂  I was doing the same thing I had always done knowing I was going to get what I always got.            And IDGAF.  In came Aaron. Known with friends, Monster. I met him. This guy who has the image of a guy you didn't fuck with. A badass. A G, ya know. Met him at a get together one night. Some other dude walked me there bcuz it was dark so he thought I was with this dude, which, no offense Chad, but no way . He did have kind of a girlfriend, but an odd togetherness..I wasn't a home wrecker. At all.  But he knew I was in a situation that I had gotten myself into and needed help to get out. But I'd also not even try. I went over to talk to him, and I let it all out. Every. Single. Honest. Thing. The bad. The worse. He said he would take care of it and told me I could stay with him til he got it taken care of and I never left. He couldn't get rid of me. For the first time in a long fucking time, I felt safe. He made me laugh until I cried. He gave me hope.  I had my 'AHA moment'.  I didn't want to feel that way anymore and no one was going to fix it for me anymore. I had to decide to get up. And actually do it.  I never thought this guy would be my 'thing.' He's not my type. It sounds mean, but he's not. I'm 5'9, so I like tall guys. I like fit guys. I like hiking and camping and stuff like that. Aaron, is 6'4. A large man. He says he's fat, I say he's fluffy :) I like tattoos on guys, but he is a tattoo artist so he is COVERED. Literally, a walking tattoo. Haha.  He's also in a wheelchair. And I know, it's not a big deal. It's never made me think any different about him. But it takes adjusting. I have gone from someone who didn't do anything, to someone who acts as his legs and my own.  We began this journey on January 1st. When I met him, i could breathe again. He told me I didn't have to act like such a badass. It was okay to let my guard down. And I believed him. I let him in. I'm glad I did. His way of getting around broke. So until it was fixed, he had no way around. We hung out in a California King size bed, all day and all night. (I was 'regrouping' and couldn't even try social shit yet) Just him and I. Just us. We don't watch tv. We don't watch movies. Occasionally we will play a video game, but not often. We just hang out, bullshit, joke around and talk.  The Jamie I am now, is different than who I've been and who I was. He made me realize that I did walk away from Jordan's with something. Might not have been sobriety, but with an understanding and respect for my mental issues and addiction problem. I literally found myself in Jordans. No drugs. No alcohol. On my meds. Classes about our addictions and illnesses. Every single day. We had a routine. We had stability. We had church. We had bible study. I was okay. And I left. I left because a stupid boy made me cry. I learned from my marriage. I knew what not to do. I learned. Instead of just hearing it, I actually listened.  I was broken.  One day, we were bullshitting and I said "Do you know who I am?"  He said, "I know what you was." I said something about being just a sad broken girl and he said, "No. You were beautiful." And he was serious. That moment was what made me want to be better. For me so I could be for him.  I had been through too much and waded through so much bullshit for being only 33 that I didn't want it anymore. So i literally said FUCK IT and got 100% fucking real.  I do not lie. About anything. Ever. Even to save hurt feelings or keep myself out of bullshit. I am honest about who I was and who I am. He met me and picked me up at my absolute worst brokenness, and still loved me. Every single broken piece of me. I told him the scorpion story. I tell him I will fuck up, I will make mistakes, I will make plans that will end in disaster and I will make terrible decisions. But all I can give him is me because that's all I can be. I'm a broken mess. He said he loves the broken parts most because that's the parts that need it. Some days are heavy and weigh on me and I struggle knowing what I've done to some people. Some days, even I barely like me. Those days are the ones he tells me, "Baby, I knew what you were when I picked you up."    I don't drink. Okay, I can't say I don't drink at all. But it's very very rarely. And even then, I don't get drunk. I've met that demon that lives inside me. I know what it's capable of. I never want to meet it again. I've learned.  I don't do pills. And only Tylenol when desperate. Same hell, different demon.  I don't put up with bullshit. Especially when those people are causing the problems that they are bitching about. Those that are around me some and came to me griping have heard me say "a guy walks into a doctor's office and says 'Doc, it hurts when I do this.' Doctor tells him "Then don't do that."" I am that one friend that everyone knows loves them a shit ton. But I will always tell you the honest truth. I wont pity you or feel sorry for you. I am 100% fucking real. No one did it for me and it ain't gonna do no damn good to do it for anyone else either.  I'm a good person. I have a good heart and I always have good intentions. I mean no harm to anyone. And people actually tell me that somehow, just being around me, I have made them a better person.  I LOVE the little things. The smell of a nice day with a breeze through an open window. Random hilarious texts from my best friend and the raddest bitch I know, Jessica. Rapping every single word to certain songs. Laughing until it hurts. Playing with my dog. Singing to songs all day on Spotify. The way he makes me feel when I catch him looking at me. How he makes me love being a girl. A few months ago, I couldn't see past my pain. Now I am planning a future. With him. Whether he likes it or not. Haha. It's him. He made all the difference.  Being with him, I'm am more me than I have been in a really really long time. He is my gasp of air after almost drowning. He saw me drowning and instead of jumping in to save me..he told me to stand the fuck up.  I talk alot. I sing terribly. I dance horribly. I am not graceful at all. I have shiny bits of crazy that pop out once in a while. I am never wrong. I'm sarcastic. I'm never serious. I whine....and he still loves me. All of me. He says I never have to worry about being hurt again. He's there to make sure that never happens. And I know he's not lying.  He keeps me safe. I keep him wild. I am not worried. I don't worry what people think about me. Or what people hear about me. Or what people say about me..I know who I am. He knows who I am. That's all that matters. If anyone can believe or say terrible things about me, then they don't deserve to know who I really am. It's their loss because I'm fucking awesome.  At this moment, I am laying sideways on our bed with my head on his stomach and my feet up on the wall typing this. He didn't know I blog until about a month ago. It's not a secret. I don't hide it. But it's mine. It's my journey. Anyone can read it and if I know you well enough, I might send you a link. But to me, it's just there. Gotta leave a story behind. It might be someone's reason. I don't think it's 'ENGAGED' in a way. More like, " Oh. Finally. There you are. I've been looking for you." I refuse to get another name tattooed on me. So I am getting one word. That can say everything about him that I can't . Serendipity. "Something wonderful that you find when you aren't even expecting it." He is my serendipity. I never forget what I mean to him. He never lets me forget. There are no conditions on love. There are no buts in love. There are no lies in love. Love does not hurt. It got better.