#sorry i have to do the textpost equivalent of pacing around the house muttering to myself with my hands behind my back

[pegglefan69]

want to & probably should talk to my therapist about how i think the only way i can get my mind to accept that I've overcome a huge mental ordeal in my struggle to get on disability is by transposing it with a physical ordeal in the form of some kind of BDSM scene but. I do not know how to discuss this when:

1) I am coming from a place hyperaware of all the deranged fetishistic ideas people have about any transmasculine person even vaguely interested in any kind of bottoming or experimenting with masochism. That kind of dehumanization directly led to me being repeatedly sa'd so I have good reason for the level of aggression & wariness the topic triggers in me But good reason or not it makes it extremely painful to think about let alone discuss with my therapist Bcuz:

2) my therapist is a cis woman who interacts primarily with cis queer spaces & never in gay male sexual spaces where trans & cis men overlap so she has No Idea About & No Frame of Reference For the baggage I am bringing in here

3) talking about any kind of interest in masochism has to inevitably result in us discussing interest in sadism & domming, bcuz both are things I'm generally more interested in doing!! We've discussed BDSM loosely enough that I know that she knows dom ≠ top & sub ≠ bottom but I genuinely cannot gauge how she will react to any expression of like, a desire to do sadist shit. I see sooo many people all the time who are ostensibly 'kink friendly' get weird about sadism that I have been deliberately avoiding bringing up being a switch/sadomasochist/whatever. it is making our sessions about sex & dating circle the drain ! It's embarrassing!! I feel like I should just be able to vault over the discomfort & SAY THINGS even if that is an idiot's impulse.

4) If I want to talk about the kind of scenes that would be therapeutic for me right now I don't know if she'd Get It, considering when I said I wanted to try dating/fucking older men her first question was 'do you mean you want a sugar daddy' & then later '...so do you mean like, 30s?'. Like it really makes me think she's going to get the wrong idea or get weird. the amount of vulnerability it's going to take for me to even give her the chance to misunderstand me is. A lot. It makes me feel so crazy.

5) I don't know ANYBODY here in Maine so even if I could perfectly articulate my desires & their impetuses to a therapist (lol as if that should be my ultimate goal 🙄), & then find a man or men I could do these things with, by the time the trust necessary had developed it would be like. So far in the future idek if this need would ever get fulfilled. God this would be easier if I already knew a leatherman who could beat me up for a little bit if I asked nicely. Guess I just have to keep a fond hope alive for now...<- said with a bitter tone