#sorry if this is oversharing i just cant believe …… he asked me this …. across the living room …. out loud 😭

[fipindustries]

oh boy its time for me to overshare once again!

ok i feel ready to talk about this: my dad’s an asshole. (cw: transphobia)

we always had a distant and strained relationship, we just dont have anything in common and never made any effort to reach out to the other across that gulf. but it has dawned on me truly how truly unlikeable he is fundamentally as a person.

i finally came out to him fully the other day, presenting myself fully as a girl called amanda. he was nice, and polite and said calmly that he was flat out not going to treat me as a girl and that i would always be his son to him. not even a strained attempt out of him to play along, he was reaised catholic and very conservative so i could understand him having trouble accomodating me, i could understand him being confused or this being hard to him, but he didnt eve try.

his reasoning was twofold and frankly esoteric, his first point was that me trying to find happiness on an identity was foolish, me thinking  that im trans was me “living in the world of the mind, thinking that you are your mind and thinking that what your mind tells you is the truth”.

the other reason why he wouldnt recognize my prefered identity was because in his mind im his son and he cant just change that so he would feel like a hipocrite going against what he believes. and that if he is not going to ask me to change and stop pretending to be a woman then i shouldnt ask him to change either.

so, you know, lovely.

i have not spoken to him since, he has made a few attempts to message me further, claiming that he had still something left he wanted to say and that he felt we had “a good conversation” his birthday was two days ago and i dont give a shit.

because this is the thing. i am a very tolerant person, too much in fact, im willing to put up with a lot of shit from other people for the sake of congeniality, i dont like confrontation and i dont like upsetting or hurting other people. i can understand if he is old fashioned or conservative or too set in his ways, i could conceivably be willing to give him a second and a third and a fourth chance, to walk him through this and hopefully, eventually to change his mind. he has sort of implied that he could perhaps get used to this but that it would be a long process for him. but this is the thing.

 i dont care. im tired. i’ve been dealing with this guy’s bullshit for far too long.

i’ve been dealing with twenty years of him insisting that i should hang out with friends more, that i should be in a relationship with a girl, that i should study a different career, that i should leave the big city and go back to my hometown because i would never make it there. twenty years of this motherfucker trying to mold me into a good old, sport playing, mate drinking, asado eating, party going boy. years and years of me trying to share something im interested in and him having his eyes glaze off into the distance and interrupt me suddenly changing the topic to something he wanted to talk about. years and years of him using every visit to monologue and give me “life lessons” and trying to share “profound wisdom”.

i dont remember a time we’ve ever shared a joke, or even saw him laugh, a time where he could just relax, be casual, share a sarcastic remark, make a witty comment. he is the most boring person i have ever met. and so it dawns on me.

when two people like each other, when they want to share each others company, they try and make it pleasant to hang out, they’ll try and strike a nice conversation, they’ll be congenial they’ll be nice and entertaining and turn the charisma on, for their own definiton of charisma. they’ll try to vibe with the other person, they’ll do something to make the other person enjoy their time spent together. he never did that, because he believes the love between parents and children is unconditional. and whats worse he can point out at concrete material things he has done to show his love, like the fact that for all he complained he did pay my education in college, and my stay in the big city, and whenever i needed economic help he was there to help me. but.... im really sorry but is not good enough, you cant buy a son, you can provide every material need and then be unbearable to be around and hope that i’ll stick around out of a sense of debt.

what dissapoints me so much is that my entire life i fantasized about cold distant or strict seeming fathers who, when it counted, would show their true support, that is the entire absolute point of maximilian sicamore, father of a trans boy, who might look strict and intimidating but  turns out to be a pretty cool guy once you get to meet him

and it might be pathetic but the fact that my dad is not like this cartoon character i came up with is extremely dissapointing to me.