#sorry sorry...i finally regain sentience after a few days of antibiotic induced grog and fog + the first thing I do is write another

[skunkes]

sorry for now rare vent post [incredibly long] but

I was JUST thinking about how funny it is to now be half a Positive Thinking person but still incredibly doomer and pessimistic. Like I'm better than before and you can tell! I have to cobble together simple delights so I don't fully snap...like, I go to the grocery store and I get so Happy that I get to leave my house and buy little treats and such. I've trained myself to get excited over the smallest things, because they're all I have.

Doesn't change that my life is never going to not suck + I'll never be able to afford to Live and I don't think there's anything good in my future. And if there is, it's all so much Work + I've had the motivation to Live beat out of me since I was small.

Which then gets countered with "well it doesn't matter what happens to me, I hope the people I love make it out and end up happy." But I dunno. Seems selfish and dumb to get sad about stuff knowing It Doesnt Matter What I Think, Because I'm an NPC, but I do anyway... I get sad... god forgive me, for I have had the impudence to yearn and cry and ache for a better Life despite being a crack in the sidewalk in the grand scheme of things...

I do things for others because I'd want em to do it for me but nobody ever will do it for me and thats fine because I don't deserve it. But I'll still get sad...! Because I'm kind of stupid in that way...!

Its just a cycle of my gosh. i wish i had good things ➡️ i dont really deserve good things because I suck + am lazy and will die (🧿) one day anyway ➡️ i hope others get good things...+ i will try to help ➡️ i feel stupid for getting sad over wanting and not having good things. when I have no right to be...because it doesn't matter...im not da main character...i jst hope everyone else gets what they need/want deserve...etc....

-

well... I'll never be able to live comfortably, and I'm unlovable and incapable of interacting with human beings, whom I adore. I have no prospects and no future. In 5 years I will still not be on T. + Whatever job I can manage to get will kill me in between struggling to pay rent (implying I ever move out.)

But at least on Thursday I'll be able to go with my sister to get some pancake bites, with nutella and strawberries and bananas...

Im really really excited...!!!!