#sorry this went from emotional to a rant to a vent to a callout

[lilytad]

im watching the shane meets a blind person series and tbh im getting a little emotional bc like. thats future me with how badly my eyes are going. like ive pretty much accepted that one day i might just be blind but hearing molly talk about how this was her whole life since she was little of learning to accept it is wild. like she was younger than i am when she almost completely lost her sight and like i feel bad bc i will never know how that feels and i joke about how blind i am all the time when in reality at least i can see shapes and light right?? and if i force my eyes to focus i can see my hands almost clearly and i can see the hairs on my arms and stuff but she cant just squint and flick a piece of glitter off her or something. like when i take my glasses off im in like close to unbearable pain and everythings a huge blur but i can see shapes and light and stuff i just cant walk around and do shit like i can with my glasses. im really lucky to have my glasses bc i have insurance and a lot of other poor people dont and they just have to live with basically half blind eyes and this is a privilege i get to have and im glad to have it i just like. i wish i would either hurry up and go blind or hurry up and magically be cured. i hate this in between stage where i can tell like every week somethings off like my eyes are twitching more than usual or it takes longer to make them focus even with my glasses on or im getting more headaches like i have been recently. i hate not knowing whats going wrong with my eyes so the only thing i can say is my eyesight is deteriorating because thats literally all i know and i could never get a service animal because im allergic to literally anything with fur and i dont know if our insurance covers that and i dont know anything about buying a cane or if theyre expensive or anything. and she had to deal with that as a little kid but it was like 10x worse for her because she couldnt have understood anything but that her eyes werent working right bc she was just a little girl and she had to deal with blindness when she was a teenager and she lost all her friends like oh my fucking god thats genuinely so fucking sad to think about and im so proud of her for gradually accepting and loving herself and i hope if its true that im just. not gonna be able to see in a few years that i can be like her and be happy anyway. not to be one of those disability fetishists because ew but shes genuinely a huge inspiration

im a little angry though bc my mother didnt believe i couldnt see things until 4th grade because she thought i was faking for attention like when i cant see your face anymore theres a fucking issue. shes never believed me about shit and i think this wouldnt be a problem if she actually stepped up and did something sooner. im straight up calling this medical neglect at this point because ive needed a corrective mouth surgery or whatever it is since 7th grade. well longer than that actually thats just when she finally let my yahyah take me to the orthodontist and they told me i have an extra tooth on the wrong side growing out of the roof of my mouth and my yahyah drove for hours to take me to get a checkup at the hospital but it turns out only my mother can bring me even for the checkup. so not only have i not had the checkup but i doubt ill ever actually have the actual surgery because she doesnt want to take time off. i cant fucking brush my teeth properly bc of these braces and i probably have a shitload of cavities and ive needed these tightened for literal years at this point. i was supposed to get them off next year but thats probably fucked. two brackets are broken and my teeth are fucked up even fucking worse now because of how long theyve been without proper aligning braces but she doesnt want to take one fucking day off to even make an attempt to help. my teeth keeping getting loose and tightening and i keep getting tooth pains and the fucking insides of my cheeks are literally coated in scar tissue from how often i bite my cheeks bc my molars are crooked and the little wire keeps stabbing them because like i said two brackets are broken. but no it doesnt fucking matter because my physical and mental health dont matter. none of this shit would be an issue if my mother actually did shit rather than giving us food clothes and a roof and calling it a+ parenting. i would give back my keyboard and my drawing tablet and hell id give away my art supplies and like. literally all the other nice shit i get to have if it meant i could go back and make her do it right. i wouldnt be sitting here this fucking close to crying about a blind girl talking about her life because i wouldnt feel or fear the same things at all. and yea being on my phone a lot doesnt help but at least a phone can easily adjust and help me see and once my eyes are too far gone it can read shit to me and still help me do a lot of things. a mother doesnt care about that in the fucking slightest