#sorta serious art?? in MY blog?? it's more depressing than you think

[the-littlest-laney]

i don't want you to go without me

ruby and jet

[13-nastin-13]

Okay, it’s been literally almost a whole ass YEAR since I last posted anything on my tumblr, but luckily I’m going back!!!

But before I do it, I need to write down a VERY emotional wall of words, there will be also, once again, some V E R Y important news, bad and good, you’ve been warned.

During all this time while you were waiting for new stuff here, some strange and even horrifying things happened, I have no idea how the heck did I survive all this and the goddamn 2021 has finally let me go and I can start posting at least some content in the new year.

I have absolutely mixed feelings and thoughts on 2021 as it had the potential to be a very therapeutic year until october, but then OCTOBER happened and everything went to shit leading to an unbearably long art block. But, you know, I started writing this post at the beginning of 2022 and, s o f t l y speaking, current year is a total f*king mess which is not anyhow better than the previous year, except for this is totally not the right blog to discuss it (I believe my drawings do it better than my text posts anyways), after all this art acc mostly dedicated to pure escapism, so.. let me explain everything in order, from the very beginning.

Here’s a cool story for ya:

Over the previous year, I also managed to somehow imperceptibly get sick with covid, so I could not be vaccinated for another six months. And imagine the giant resentment of mine when I again fell ill with covid in January of this year (this time, in a severe form), and then I recovered circa in March. At the same time, right before I got sick, a lot of ideas for new art came to my mind at once, and even when I finally got better I STILL felt like a 400 year old omelette >:((((

But, as it turned out, this is definitely not the worst thing that could ever happen hahaha

Unfortunately, the art summary turned out weird and incomplete (I'm not even afraid to say that even in 2016 it wasn't that bad lol). I think it's obvious that 2021 was more dedicated to recovering from a horrible trauma (which I spoke about in another huge text post before), rather than making art. And about current year, I could say, basically, the same thing, but this is not exactly what it is... And I could recover earlier and even make inspiring posts already in November 2021 about how "I aLmOst sUcCeSsFuLLy OvErCaMe DePrEsSiOn", if not another death in October, which made all my fears, ptsd, anxiety and other most tough mental problems of mine float to the surface of my consciousness again, and my condition, once on the mend, worsened several times compared to the beginning of the year AGAIN.

I remember how I was consumed by guilt and even the craziest thoughts about being, in fact, damned? Yes, yes, it sounds ridiculous, but it really seemed to me as if enyone who had ever shown affection and sincere love for me are automatically doomed to inevitable death.

Alas, sometimes I still get such strange thoughts, as if I am climbing to the cherished hope for the best again and again, and some incomprehensible shitty force pushes me back to the bottom of a dark abyss and laughs at me, trying to convince me that "it will never be like in 2018 anymore", that I will never make it.

However, it all affected me in such a strange way and made me realize that this loud, distorted laughter in my ears made me grow pretty much tired of it, but let’s talk about it later LATER in this post ahaha...

Gonna sound extremely banal right after more serious text above, yet still another very UNpleasant thing for some followers of my little bloggo, this time from 2022, It’s my instagram acc being totally blocked. Yes, yes, and the reason of it is extraordinary stupid, well SOOO so darn astronomically stupid on all material and immaterial levels of different stupid realities to the core that I feel stupid to even tell you guys... As soon as the developers came up with that stupid update featuring sorta trash like "set the birthday, even if the acc is for a cat, we will then customize everything for you by your age", for some reason I thought that you can set any age, even a cat's, completely forgetting that, in fact, there’s a law which says that no one should use social media under 13. Although I remember it as 12. Fuck guys, my paranoid ace ass just didn't want an abundance of s3xual content in my feed, because who the hell knows what tf does it even mean "by age" like why not by something else w h y- 🤡🤡🤡 *sigh* I will of course start a new account, if anything... But losing memories from the old one made me feel down a bit, since memory and time, the past in general, as you can guess judging by my art, plays a significant role for me. And with that, thank God, the bad news end for now!

For a long time I’ve been immersed in brutally deep prostration, all my possible and even impossible psychological issues flared up with a blue flame. And after so much time since I made the last post in October of the previous year, everything has come to the point that I have turned into some kind of completely different person. On one hand, this type of thing happens to me every year and it’s time to get used to it, but what I’m trying to say is that a certain mental cup (???) overflowed so much that everything in my head just simply dropped back to zero and turned completely upside down and somehow simply started to follow its own rules, independent from everything that happens in reality, purely detached.

And you know WHAT?

To this day, for the first time in several years, I felt the echoes of THAT VERY freedom, which I lacked so much! Suddenly there was some light, some hope, despite the incredibly brutal and dark cage of this flat world.

I don't care what cociety's reaction will be to anything I’ll say or do and I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I don’t know if I’ve gone completely crazy or, on the contrary, this is a long-awaited remission, but I don’t care so much anymore, so I will just run with sincerest enthusiasm into this light and just continue to watch what's the rest in 2022 for me. One way or another, if every year is so bad and you never know when will it change to good (maybe never at all), then why not send everything in the world to hell and do things that bring at least a little of joy to yourself and others? I think I've been strong for too long, it seems like it's time to get even stronger now...

Well, after a several awkward attempts to end this text wall on a more "positive" note, why not revisit some really sweet moments of 2021? For example, my crazy artistic search for my identity in March, when I locked myself away from everyone in a room for a month, embracing creepy movies, flowers and immersing myself in various 17th century art, or when me and some frenchman my close friend (WHO REALLY NEEDS TO DROP DA ALBUM ALREADY YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU JULES) were sitting at home in a May thunderstorm, recording some silly careless stuff with sleepy rainy weather and misty green trees outside the window yessss. Or when we watched that old movie from your computer in July, because my internet connection said “no ❤️» :((((( And, well, the most epic stuff a.k.a my birthday, when we went to the park with another very close bro of mine, ate there some giant crumbling burgers with tiny glasses of milk, which they call "milkshake" and then wandered around the gardens of Peterhof palace just to get lost there until it was very late at night and then we got out of there god knows when ha ha. Seems like nothing really grandiose, but God I felt so good and peaceful at such moments and I am very grateful to my friends who were next to me back then 🥺

In terms of good news for 2022, I have a lot of creative work to do at the moment and hope to feed u guys this month with one big epicc thing that my friend and I have been working on tirelessly for a little longer than expected, but it WILL come out one day and this fact brings us a lot of joy to be honest! And I also would like to record something like rants for my YouTube channel, since even posts like this one are not enough for me, because I’m still that one Hamlet, yeah.

For the goals for the rest of the year, I only want to finish that cool project and also create on my blog and in my life in general, an era full of everything new! So far, sounds like something impossible, after all what happened lol. But, by the way, I graduated in my school this year, all the exams are over, so why not?

Aaand, from now on, I announce the renaissance of the blog and, in short, let's celebrate guys, happy new year on october 9th everyone! 😭🎉

Thank you so SO MUCH who read this post to the very end, because there is nothing more important for me than knowing that someone cares :"0 This gives me a feeling of some kind of unity or family, or something... And now it's time for new adventures!! We will all definitely survive and make it.

And, finally, some of my favorite pictures from 2021 in order to boost the cozy vibes..

Lots of hugs for y’all ❤️