#soz for the essay xoxo

[barbariccia]

@corpsebrigadier​

right, so - this is a chat @azlykumos​ and i actually started a week or so ago and only picked up last night as we closed out chapter 1 of the psx version of fft, since i’ve had a little while to fully absorb the actual story fully and now know what’s going to happen ahead of time, etc, etc.

so it started with meeting milleuda in the hideout and beating her up and letting her go - to algath’s chagrin, to ramza’s befuddlement, to delita’s quiet and uncertain unease - with my saying something along the lines of “it amazes me that for how important milleuda is in chapter one, despite only being two fights, she is promptly forgotten about by the story.”

neeb contested this, and rightly so - i made the comment when i was getting tired and higher brain functions were switching off; they said that no, she’s not strictly forgotten, because her words get through to delita and are the very initial cracks in delita’s armour which algath then takes full advantage of and worms his way in like the maggot he is. (ba dum tss!) ultimately, we agreed that her role is small, but no less important for it, and left it at that.

until last night, when we met her upon the fovoham plains again and begged for mercy anew - this time without algath yelling in our fucking ears about people being cattle and all that. so: i still think it’s incredible that milleuda, for all intents and purposes, is so important as to directly kickstart delita’s slide into anxiety about his place in the world*, and then after her death really is forgotten about. and why would she be remembered? when we get back to the story proper it’s been a year already since that happened, and there’s way more important and current things happening - delita’s not dead, the princess has been kidnapped, suddenly there’s a fucking plot with the church and all of ivalice and murderstones - why should anyone remember a battlemaiden they encountered all of twice? milleuda’s story is not fft’s story. milleuda and wiegraf’s stories start the same way, yes, but wiegraf survives to take a different path - and he’s remembered because his presence endures. how many people remember the other cadets from your introductory mission? how many battles with the Brigade proper were there? in a story like fft’s, if you do not live to see the next day you are quickly forgotten. and even if you do it’s with a like 30-40% chance of survival imo. them random encounters sure do be encountered!!

*as a side note, i vastly preferred the psx scene on the plains, learning to whistle grass, to the updated fmv. it felt less out of place, more true to the world itself - and the language (oh, Boy, we talked about the language for a long while) was so much more... plain and raw and evocative. delita’s hesitant admission - i’ve felt out of place for a long time - and the mechanics of a game requiring you to click past ramza’s uncomfortable silence to hear him out further - make so much more sense than the wotl’s “something’s been bothering me”. that could be anything. oh, aye, it’s followed up about algath’s ichor so the meaning isn’t entirely lost, but delita being willing to be open at all... it being the last time he’s so viscerally honest - it struck a lot harder than it initially did.

because, really, at the heart of it - milleuda’s story becomes delita’s story. she might have died, but her regrets and her rage and her every mote of being crawls inside delita and doesn’t fester so much as take root and grow slowly. yes, algath’s involvement absolutely cannot be understated - it’s his actions directly that led to, well, a tragedy that shaped the man he ends up being - but it’s milleuda’s words that really strike at the heart of who delita is as a person: an uncertain youth in a place he’s hyperaware of not belonging in, no matter how much his best friend and brother in arms vouches for him. everyone can see it: delita does not look like anyone in the cast, even, with his darker hair and darker skin and his control of emotion that only goes so far and snaps when algath presses too far and gets a broken nose for his troubles. despite being so important, delita is visually set worlds apart... and though the Brigade are too uninformed to know what the beoulves look like (seriously.) and kidnap the wrong girl, the rest of us know at a glance that... he isn’t as the others are. and milleuda, crying out about how the name beoulve marks you as an enemy, that there is no difference between you and her but for the walls you were born in - and algath refuting that every step of the way, calling for her head even as all she wants to do is live - and ultimately, hearing her beg her brother for forgiveness as she dies... delita cannot help but be shaped by her. it is the first and last time we see him be honest, be hurt. we see that change in real time.

so, yes: milleuda dies, and her story with it - we learn in very quick step that her brother was wiegraf and that he won’t forgive us for her death, it’s all very fantastical and sweet, but other than ramza later asking the (long dead) wiegraf what his sister would think of his actions - milleuda is not mentioned again, and the narrative moves on to bigger and better things. but she is not forgotten: even as the Brigade falls apart and is hunted to extinction, even as wiegraf gives himself over to the church and their desires instead of his own - milleuda lingers in delita, still crying for change, still demanding revolution. and what does delita deliver? exactly that. but where milleuda fell, he delivers, until a common arse sits the throne. (the less said about what revolution gave him, personally, the better.)

ultimately there was no true point to the entire chat we had - we meandered onto other topics (particularly translations, and god i find myself wishing every day to marry the psx and the wotl versions so bad, a mixture of high and low language would do so much for it - sorry, truthers, neither official translation is the definitive one for me!) and it was more of an observation that came up as we encountered her for the last time... but i don’t know, i still think it’s worth thinking about, that she’s so unimportant and yet the crux of so much more than she first appears. as fun as it is to lay the blame at algath’s feet, he’s not solely responsible for... everything that happens. just greatly.

also something about milleuda’s hair in her portrait sprite is just so beautiful to me. it doesn’t look like any other hair rendered in the same style. i’m in love with milleuda folles etc etc etc

(not to mention that all of this is entirely separate to what her character with wiegraf must have been like... clever, of the writers, to show them as in cahoots enough that she’d take up his reasoning post-war, but never on the same field together. i would love to know how she became a swordswoman; how much of her thoughts are actually wiegraf’s and vice-versa; who milleuda folles was. bites thru my phone so hard it cracks)

actually, and as a late addition to this post - i just remembered that none of this is direct from ramza, either. this is all hearsay - it’s orran’s accounts from witnesses - whatever delita was willing to tell him, presumably, since there’s no one else left alive that might remember milleuda folles by the time he goes around collecting evidence for his durai papers. and that’s sure something, ain’t it? that delita remembered her enough to speak of her?

[aaamyrc]

1-10 to keep u busy xoxo

this is will be LONG

1. are looks important in a relationship?

yes and no, it shouldn’t be the most important thing, but i think a certain element to a relationship is being attracted to the other person

2. are relationships ever worth it?

i mean i’ve never been in one but i hope they are lol

3. are you a virgin?

sadly yes

4. are you in a relationship?

i wish

5. are you in love?

deep q....honestly, sometimes i think i am, but i don’t know how to tell if that’s me over thinking my feelings or if it’s actually true, i’m probs just in denial to protect my feelings lol

6. are you single this year?

so far yes and i don’t see that changing anytime soon

7. can you commit to one person?

100%, i couldn’t do anything halfway, once i like someone i cant even think about anyone else that way...

8. describe your crush

i could write an essay...she is the kindest person i think i’ve ever met, she’s beautifulllll, she’s intelligent, funny, she understands me and always cheers me up even without meaning to, she can be serious but also jokey which i LOVE, i love her smile/laugh/face/everything tbh, she cares about other people SO much and is showing that through her career (i’m probs giving it away but i want her to know lmao so pls figure it out so it’s easier for me xoxox) i’m bad w my feelings bye

9. describe your perfect match

i haven’t had enough relationship experience to know what my “perfect match” would be, if that even exists...but someone who is understanding towards my mental health and physical health and how that can affect my life, someone who is loyal and good at showing their affection bc i’m not nd need someone to balance that out lmao

10. do you believe in love at first sight?

i honestly don’t really, personally at least, i think lust at first sight is a thing, but true, honest, real love grows as you get to know a person, i don’t think you can fall in love without that growth, things are more complicated than that

soz if u don’t care ab me, that was so long (blame jen)