#spice.vent
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anyway fuck abusers fuck people who make others feel small fuck people in this comunity who do this to other people fuck you FUCK YOU I FUCKIGN HATE YOU I FUCKING HAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
#spice.txt#sorry i just.... trauma dredged back up#anyway if yall want to be wary of the person that fucked me up to make me appologize all the time#dm me and ill share the fucking tea#spice.vent#sorry
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Feeling incredibly guilty and selfish for streaming every sunday... Im sorry... Maybe thisll be the last one... Idk im sorry ive taken up ur time... Ill think on it
I know people have other things to do and i dont want to take up hours of people's free days.... I mean if they didnt have time they just won't come but... Idk... What right do i have to do streams... What right do i have to be the circus clown.... Idk sorry i need to splash water on my face
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#im giving up#im.never creating anyrujg ever again thisnsucks#alsp.domft fucking listen to.me im probabny having bad pmdd symptoms rn#but right now i feel like im not good enough for snytjjnf so im just gonna cry alone a while#yuuuuehdbjdidjdnjdidk#spice.vent#sorry sorry sorry sorey sorry
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mm...
#i think maybe i should take a break from tumblr...#idk... i feel like im becoming a little bit too obsessive#like with everything... with everyones image of me and with everyone and with .... idk im starting to ...#im starting to obsess over every little interaction with everyone i desire to be closer to#and thats... not healthy... ive spend so much time recently worried about if the people i want to be friends with even really like me#and i know they do theyve said as much but ... even with that im still feeling left out and i dont want to feel like that#not that i AM being left out but my brain making me feel as if i am ... and im not sure how to change it other than maybe taking a step bac#im sorry if theres anyone ive made uncomfortable with my interactions#i tend to be very.... forward once someone is nice to me and i dont realize im being too annoying or overbearing so im really sorry if ive#done that to you im really really sorry#so if you dont see me around for a few days this might be why#im still... not sure if ill fully leave but....#idk if you read this and i HAVENT been overbearing and annoying id really like some reassurance that i havent been ... because somtimes...#its hard to hear all the genuine nice voices over my own mind telling me no one wants me around#sorry if u read this tho....#spice.txt#spice.vent#i guess its a vent??? tagging in case....
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I wish i was brave abt anything ever
#I am so scared of everything#i wanna show off my cute new glasses but worried both abt seeming conceited and also feeling uggo#then im also scared about talking to anyone ever because I don't want to be that annoying guy#you know like im so scared people are talking ABOUT me to eachother like 'lol look at this try hard coming into my dms to try to talk to me'#like i dont want to think people are malicious but when thats how most friendships have ended up make me so scared#i want to see people as nice and kind and believe what they say but fucking trauma and the grip it has on me#sorry for venting i just wish i were brave#i wish I could talk to moots and ask them oc questions and have them ask me questions but i dont want to bother anyone#im scared im a nuisance you know.... crying#ahhdjdjjidjdjeiie#sorry sorry#spice.txt#spice.vent#delete later#probably
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thinking about this and the og tags i put yesterday....
ok but what if we made a discord group chat to specifically only call in when we do aggie....
#i just... the servers scare me... as you know#but i want somewhere we could call no obligation or something... just pop into ....#like if others are areound they can pop in too#if only the aggie didnt make people play primum to call in the app or whatever#this probably wont happen#i just ... i love chit chatting and#idk ill be honest with my feelings on main i get jelly and feel left out when others are calling and i cant play#i mean i know its ok to feel jealous and stuff... and ... im not entitled to peoples time...#thats why i want a place with no obligation ...#GAH I HATE BEING TRAUMATIZED#spice.txt#spice.vent
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Anyway one pocket of my mind is being mean to me so im going to another pocket where i wont be bothered and am just gonna write fic for the rest of my shift....
#spice.txt#do you ever just draw and then like mid sketching youre hit with self loathing#hit with the possibility that youre just not good at anything you do?#or maybe its the imposter syndrome...#i dunno... sorry i think ive been kind of a downer lately#ill stop... but also tag this cause its vaguely#spice.vent
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i need like... a fanfic helper, you know? someone to just go to with all my ososan questions and to get second opinions i was telling my roommate (who i bother enough with all my qs) that i need like, an ososan veteran on standby who wants to help me and knows all the ins and outs, cause as much as i love ososan, im still new here and there are always new things im finding out, you know? I still havent made it through all the drama cds and ... uah i dunno... I guess i just wish for more knowledgeable people to speak with i guess
#spice.txt#spice.ososan#spice.vent#cause whatever im gonna ramble about here out of view will probably be a little venty#like i know im annoying and overbearing when it comes to things like this...#cause despite wanting to be ok with being alone in a fandom space its so hard to do so when you want to collaborate/ask for ideas and thing#but at the same time dont want to be the annoying begging one for help... not wanting to be the person everyone sees on the dash like#'ugh not this one again. are they ever going to shut up?' because things like this has happened before... and itll happen again#if someone doesn't explicitly tell me that they want to be friends and speak with me#then i will simply keep my distance because ill automatically think that every time im talking to them that im bothering them#all because of stupid trauma and my stupid head...#sorry this went on too long and ill probably delete it in a few hours.... i just needed to just... i dunno#esp since [redacted] happened im more sensitive than ever about shit like this because i guess im just not meant to make friends#delete later
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