#sponsored by the song 'one by one’ by against me! as i've decided it fits the characters

[magnus-rhymes-with-swagness]

Thinking thoughts about Ambrosius’s decision to try to kill Nimona… while this choice is certainly not a good one, it does make a sad sort of sense. He doesn’t know Nimona, not really. He’s faced off with her, sure, but his main impression of her is of a terrifying monster intent on killing. He doesn’t know her as a person, has never even properly met her. (Nobody truly knows her, but Ballister knows her best, at least, and seems to be one of the only people in the kingdom who understands that she’s more than a mindless weapon.) From Ambrosius’s perspective, though, there seems to be every reason to kill her.

This choice is doubly reinforced by his sense of loyalty and the desire to prove himself. Loyalty is an important theme in the story, and Ambrosius’s loyalties lie chiefly with Ballister, the person he seems to care about most, and the director, the closest he ever had to a parental figure. He also has an intense desire to prove himself to both of them - to prove that he really does care about Ballister and wants to protect him, and to prove that he’s capable of being a good knight and defending his kingdom.

Ambrosius is… rather insecure. He has very low self-esteem, and has always seen himself as lesser compared to Ballister, not as worthy as him or as good at jousting, even going so far as to bitterly tell Ballister he was always “better, without hardly even seeming to try.” And it’s possible that Ambrosius feels indebted to the director - who knows what might have happened to him if he hadn’t been taken in by the institution, and he owes his status as king’s champion to her. (Not that that’s a good thing, of course, but even so - she did still skyrocket him to victory and fame.)

At this point in time Ambrosius is still the director’s puppet. From an outside perspective it’s obvious that her intentions are nefarious, but when you’ve been manipulated by someone for most of your life, maybe even as long as you can remember, you… don’t necessarily know that. Ambrosius is still deeply under her influence, to the point that he still desperately craves her validation and approval even when she deliberately hurts him. She’s explicitly ordered him to kill Nimona, so that’s what he has to do so he doesn’t fail in her eyes.

There’s a sad irony in the parallels between Ambrosius and Nimona and the cycle they unintentionally perpetuate - two people raised as weapons in cruel institutions, used against their will to hurt people they cared about, now trying to kill one another. He might not know her backstory, but he can certainly see how she’s being used as a weapon now. And in the moment when he lifts his sword and attempts the killing blow, he too is a weapon. Does he see himself in her, perhaps? Does he subconsciously recognize that they’re the same in that regard? Is his firm belief that she’s dangerous born from the way he sees himself?

When he tries to kill her, is he trying to kill part of himself?