#srry if this is too doom and gloom :(

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

i've been taking metoprolol for ~1 year now and before that i was on propranolol so i sympathize with ur brain fog ... i was prescribed it because of my heart condition and it helps that well enough but. the neurological condition that (likely) caused said heart condition is unaffected so i mean like Yeah my hr is significantly lower and i dont get palpitations as much but i still have 90 other issues and now i have mroe fatigue/brain fog on top of it all😕

ouuurrrgghhhh ive heard people say metapropolol is also a cunt when it comes to the brain

theres a bunch of other meds tho and maaaybe one will Not give you that brain fog? because im literally in hell and im gonna be real..... my drug use has gotten so much worse bc of it bc i can THINK on it. like if i dont find a medication that both lowers my heart rate and makes my brain not suck i will simply die . im a writer i need that fucking thing. like outside of fanfics its legit the thing i want to do

[skymade]

Willow Gone

   A drabble from Willow’s best friend, Eryk’s, point of view. It’s long, I’m sorry. These are the texts pertaining to this. 

   “Errie, how about today?”

   Eryk is lain across their bed, staring at the prune colored ceiling for the five-millionth morning in a row -- or so it feels. Little appears to be able to rouse them from their state.

   Their mother, aquamarine with cavernous holes littering her face -- a Meldonian -- stands at the doorway. Her tight, bright green hair curls with the consistency of seaweed fall from the crown of her head. They are the same curls that pull at Eryk’s own blue head. Her mouth is nothing but a large slit in the center of her face, but Eryk can understand both her question and the implications deep beyond it.

   They do not answer. Normally, Eryk’s love for their mother overrides all else, but now their love for someone else holds them, like chains, in their bed.

   “We love you, Errie,” she says, for the five-millionth morning in a row, circular fins with holes reaching towards them. Her voice always sounds as if it comes from deep underwater. “Whenever you're ready, you know. Seconds will wait for you.” She touches them, once, on the leg, then retreats. The door clicks behind her gently.

   Eryk closes their eyes and sees her. Not the mother they love -- their best friend. Dark curls, murky eyes, bright purple skin -- one of many things she was mocked for. Willow sky. She was their best friend, from the moment they met to the moment their mother told them she was gone.

   In a flash, Eryk can see their entire friendship. The moment she, in a flurry of curls and laughs, sat down next to them during lunch, introducing herself though uninvited. Trekking the mountains of Amyr, them wheezing and her laughing. Her splashing purple water at them and sticking out her tongue when they protested. Her hanging upside down in their hiding place, the storage unit, singing out of tune and changing the lyrics to fit her mood. The last time they saw her -- late at night, under the velvet sky, with stars sprinkling above them, her winking playfully at their gaze.

   Their eyes shut tightly at the images. Each memory is another chain that drags them down to their bed, leading with the terrifying crash of the moment Eryk woke up and saw their mother there. Their mother had never been allowed for extended stay upon planet -- Amyr rules -- and instantly, Eryk had felt sick.

   Dad’s dead, was Eryk’s first thought. I did something wrong. I failed my tests for Seconds. Mother is dying.

   But they had never expected the words that had come from their mother’s mouth, starting simply and gently.

   “Errie… when was the last time you saw Willow?”

   She was gone.

   Eryk presses their hands against their eyelids. Why hadn’t they told anyone when they saw the bruises on Willow’s skin? Why hadn’t they reported their fear for her life? Why didn’t they try harder? What if she were dead, as dead as her mother must be? And the most terrifying thought of all: What if she went off to Travel?

   She wouldn’t be able to survive. Not for a minute. Willow would have no idea what she’s doing. Though all evidence leads to her being upon another planet -- the loss of her mother’s tokens -- Eryk has been stubbornly refusing to believe it.

   Even with the possibility of her escaping with Tallow -- what her father currently believes -- Tallow can not care for Willow. What if he abandons her? What if he hurts her? What if she feels trapped?

   These thoughts have been circling in Eryk’s head for the eons it feels she’s been gone, but they haven’t abated, yet. Every day, Eryk wakes up to hear them repeat in perfect clarity.

   They’re sure they’re going insane.

   Eryk’s communicator chirps next to them. They never get messages. Curiosity wins over depression for the moment. They reach up, grabbing it off of the ivory table, and flip out the keyboard, making the screen light up.

   the will of the sky. (in range) 1 NEW MESSAGE.

   Eryk cannot stop the tears that immediately pour through their eyes as they select the message, quickly, shakily. They have always had what Willow called bleeding eyes, but they were sure the Terran expression was bleeding heart. And now, they are choking on it.

   It is a message from Willow.

   trvling mkes me ocean sick T_T ;-; ;(

   The words are so uniquely Willow -- down to the very last mark (or lack thereof) that Eryk begins sobbing harder.

   In a perfect world, they’d take time to control themselves. They’d wait until the feelings abated and let them breathe to reply. But they have not seen the words “in range” next to Willow’s name for a long time, so long they are afraid if they don’t reply immediately, she will disappear.

   Fuck you

   It’s all they can think to say.

   The response is so fast. 

   aw!! ;( dont b meeeeeeeean!!!

   Eryk is attempting to type a response, when another of Willow’s comes.

   i knw. i knw.

   Willow never left spell check on. Most Amyra didn’t. It came with switching languages -- it was easier to just type without having to change languages each time they wished to.

   Eryk closes their eyes, pushes their head towards the screen. Willow hardly types as… seriously… as her last message was.

   Eryk stares at the small, purple picture of Willow next to each message -- heart-shaped sunglasses, smiling at someone off-camera. Eryk took that picture for her. Eryk can still taste the air from that day, can still feel the grass beneath them. Of course, she’d taken the picture of the smoke that Eryk had always used as their picture. How many times had Eryk seen a message from Willow? Thousands. Millions. Almost constantly. Willow almost never stopped texting. But this message... these words... had such a new weight to them. 

   They hardly think as they reply.

   Where are you

   Because, of course, Eryk has to come get them. They’re already thinking to ask if they can borrow their mother’s ship when Willow replies, lightning fast as ever.

   u knw y i cnt tell u that ;C

   Just like you didnt tell me you were leaving, Eryk’s hands answer for them. They almost put a question mark -- they normally don’t because they feel it leaves the statement too hard -- but they choose not to in the last instance.

   u knw y i had 2 do that 2.

   Maybe I dont Willow, they reply. After hitting send, they add on in a new message, If you wanted to run away with someone you were dating, thats fine but you still could have told me first.

   Eryk locks the screen, sits up in finality after the period. They brush their hands at their face when another message lights up.

   ?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? the fck r u tlkin about???!?!?! Im not d8in ny1!!!!!!!!!!! >:(

   Yeah. Like Id know that. Because you keep me so updated with whats going on in your life right

   It feels right, now, to be angry. Eryk hasn’t been angry this entire time. Only scared -- only sad. This feels right.

   At least there is some relief. Willow is not dating Tallow. Hopefully, he is not treating her the way others have treated her here.

   skies i mssgd u cuz i missed u!!!!! >:( >;c wht is ur problm????!!

   My problem is that my best friend left planet without saying anything and is now trying to pretend it isnt a big deal

   i ddnt have to mssg u u knw!!! i culdve stayed quiet!!!!!!!!!!! D:<

   Moments later, she’s back.

   lol… yes i did. ;c of course i hd to mssg u. ur my best friend eryk. still.

   And, in true Willow fashion, she launches into a tirade. They can just see her in their mind -- tongue out, concentration coursing through her body, bent over the screen as her fingers fly.

   mr. doom && gloom is gttin on my fckin nerves. im so done with him. D:<

   Officials think you ran off with Tallow, they reply.

   off. r rite. but only bcuz he hs a staff. eryk the nly reason i ddnt tell u ws bcuz i knw ud rate me out

   She means ‘rat me out’. Eryk feels more tears coming at just reading the words. They are trying to hold on to the good things: she’s alive. Tallow hasn’t abandoned her. She might be okay. They are trying not to think how far away she could still be -- trying not to wonder how close she may be to them for the first time in forever. 

   Holy skies Willow. I missed you

   i miss u 2. ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;((((((((((((((((((( emoticons arnt strong enuf :(

   I know what you mean, they type through their tears. They have to move their communicator far away enough to escape the downfall of water.

   When are you coming home, they add.

   There’s a pause.

   ……………………. eryk i cnt come bck 2 amyr. id be put to death for leavin

   Please, they try. Eryk has never been overly selfish before, but they cannot stop it. How can they live without their best friend?

   But when minutes pass and they get no response, they let out a breath of air and say, Are you happy

   its better than being on amyr if thats what you mean lol

   Her grammar improved. That means she had to think deeply about that reply. Eryk hesitates. Maybe she truly needs their help?

   I guess that is what I mean, they try. They don’t know what to say -- she said it was better than on Amyr. Better than when she was with Eryk. Better than when they were close.

   A long pause. Eryk doesn’t know what to say, but, as always, is saved by Willow.

   i hv a confession 2 make

   Okay

   i ddnt mssg u bcuz i missed u. tho i do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dnt get me wrong!!!!!!!!! fckin FCK i miss u!!!!!!!! but i mssgd u… 2 say srry. ;C ;C  4 not saying gdbye. :c :c

   Eryk sighs and closes their eyes. Willow has never been very good at saying sorry.

   I dont know if I fully forgive you yet

   i knw. dnt blame u t_t

   They release a soft breath at the emotion -- runs their fingers over the image. If they had more Amyra in them, maybe they’d be blinking in and out from the intense feelings. They close their eyes and pray -- though praying was never something they did before Willow disappeared. Now, however, it seems to highlight their life. Almost every moment is spent in it. Willow believes so avidly in the sky -- it has to save her, doesn’t it? 

   Their phone chirps, calling them back. 

   mr. doom && gloom wnts 2 leave here soon.

   Eryk knows what that means before Willow types it, and immediately responds, Please

   im srry eryk

   Please dont go. Not yet

   pls dnt tell any1 i mssged u

   I wont, they type back, oh skies I wont just promise you wont go

   They will promise anything, now. Tears rolling down their face -- choking on them -- the volume of their sobs rising so much they hear their mother swaying up the stairs, coming to check on them.

   im so srry. i cnt do nythin. gates up. i love you eryk.

   She never types out ‘I love you’. Never. Never. Never.

   I love you too Willow. Please dont leave me

   bye

   “Willow!” They’re screaming at their phone, shaking it. “Willow!”

   Willow come back

   Willow please!

   Their fingers shake as the letters light up on the screen.

   Please please please. I cant do this without you

   WILLOW!

   And then the dreaded three words light up next to Willow’s name -- out of range -- and Eryk collapses as their mother throws open the door and wraps her arms around them.