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mrsvioletrebellious-blog · 7 years

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Domestic love

Recently got involved in a charity with a few girls to raise money for people effected by domestic abuse. And it’s got me thinking not too many girls talk about it.

Embarrassment ?

Feeling weak?

Confusion that it’s actually abuse?

There’s a million reasons

I’m not going to talk about who or when I have experienced domestic abuse because I don’t want the people that done it getting any recognition but how can I be part of a charity if I don’t talk about my own shit. Because I should never be ashamed for being a victim or a survivor or a participant however the Fuck you want too look at it. Life is a lesson and how can it be if you don’t learn from it which I have but if you also don’t try to teach others about it.

I remember the first time I experienced domestic violence I was dragged across a friend by my hair and screamed obscenities at because I was supposedly with another man. I wasn’t I really really wasn’t and I remember up until this point it’s not ok but if we had an argument and he was rude I’d occasionally slap him round face he would apologise n that was that. This time I didn’t I felt fear and I then realised that was my first error because some men especially weak men, that’s sparks a feeling in them that they desire #Power.

Domestic abuse rather then violence has always effected me more. It something I always experienced more.

My children are my world I will do all I can for them to avoid seeing violence or arguments to the best of my ability.

Someone realised that would threaten to kick off in front of my children my weakness I showed my weakness but fuck how could I not show my weakness was keeping my children happy n safe and emotionally stable. So he learnt threaten to kick off in front of the kids she’ll behave she’ll do what you want and it did, a look, a changed voice a fuckin movement and I knew do what he wants or your have to pick up the pieces with your children and that’s something that will never happen I wouldn’t allow it so I played the game I became the puppet and he became my master and don’t get me wrong I am a strong woman I will row and I will fight till the Fuck in cows come home n I always did but what I will always do is become a weak woman for my children so they can stay strong and if that look that movement that voice happened I did. And I managed to avoid it for them thank god.

I’ve always been man handled by men but then I’m probably the sort of woman that needs to be in fairness 😂😂 I can’t remember the first time but I can remember the first time a man hit me well he didn’t hit me he battered me with a coke bottle 😂😂 but fuck me it hurt. And I took it because m children were upstairs there was no shouting and there was no fight it was quiet and quick. Thank goes because he never wanted to be the bad guy in front of the kids and I never wanted him to either.

I remember my first punch it was to the forehead funnily enough didn’t really hurt it was being spat in the face over n over n over again that really got me it was degrading and shameful.

There was a man who got in my face and for a claustrophobic person and someone that won’t be bullied and reading above doesn’t it sound funny saying that 😂😂😂 I’m laughing as I type but it’s true lol.

And I asked him three times please move he had me in a corner I could not move his face was inches from mine and he told me over n over n over again to listen eventually I snapped and I probably hit him god five times in the face till he moved away from my face and then I walked out because as a younger girl yea I slapped men in a fit of rage and then realised that’s not ok so as a woman I’ve only ever hit a man as a survival instinct so I don’t believe that I should ever have continued to hit him if he was no longer a threat. After that because he has a bleeding nose I felt awful and I apologised profusely and we forgot why I hit him, why he invaded my personal space why he ignored me when I begged him to let me out. And that’s started a new pattern one day driving down the road having a row he refused to pull over whilst laughing and smoking m cigarettes opening my purse and taking out money I then snapped I opened his beer as we were heading to a party said the words “ stop taking all my stuff and have yours” and proceeded to pour the can all over his lap. Safe to say we nearly crashed after he grabbed the can and slammed in the side of my head. Pulled over I got out the car and ran. He found me he wouldn’t let me go again and again I hit him and again I apologised for my silly behaviour.

I’ve been told I can’t wear certain outfits or dress a certain way or talk to a certain person who have certain status because they make me look a certain way or disrespect them when in reality no, if someone knows your loyal it doesn’t matter what the fuck you wear or write or say or do as long as you ain’t Fuck in someone else trying to fuck someone else. The world might think you look a tart but who cares a real man will know your his tart n his only n thank god for my mother and the way she dressed n carries herself that was one battle I always fought n never faltered on because I knew if you take my identity you’ve won and I’m fucked. Don’t stop Em trying tho 🙌🏻

He left me in London once because he flirted with a girl n kept hold of all the money I kicked off and he left me and he then proceeded to post statuses on Facebook about how I left him n sent me a million messages about how he was gonna kill himself so I walked round London to find him n again apologised.

We was our one night and I can’t remember what I did I think I gave a male friend a kiss on the cheek and he started to whisper in my ear whilst we were sat at the bar what a dirty whore I was I proceeded to tell him to go Fuck himself and he lent over n started to pinch me very secretly with a smile on his face so anyone obseeving wouldn’t be able to tell he then lent over to kiss my cheek as someone was looking and bit me on the face with that I jumped up n hit him. And he jumped up n screamed did you all see that she hit me.

On my birthday he didn’t like my outfit we was outside having a row and he kept getting in my face I kept pushing him away. I actually the cctv and even now it’s quite hard to watch because it’s not a viscious attack but it’s the venom in his face when I refuse to do what he says eventually he slaps me and I kind of stand there for a few seconds shocked then I start to attempt to punch he he’ll out of him I didn’t do to well to be fair being very pissed n him being a. Shit lot taller and the funny thing my friend pulls up two seconds later I push him away grab my bag n walk off with a smile because I didn’t want anyone to see or know or feel that weakness and I loved him I knew they’d all hate him. Eventually we’ll quickly they all found out anyway.

It became a pattern I wouldn’t let him have control he would kick off to get it manhandle me or entrap me or abuse me I would push or slap him never over the top but not ok I know and then god did I play in too his hands he would scream at me publicly he would slag me off to my friends with lies, he would attempt to kill him self always bullshit one day he said he was gonna stab himself one day he tried to hang himself over the door one day he tried to drown himself in the bath. He never succeeded because he never had any intention. It was all a game a way to get me.

One day and this was probably my worst one of all to be fair it wasn’t that violent and it wasn’t ott. My children were at that dads his daughter was the only one here and he started trying to row with me and tried to bring her into it. Trying to use her to make me be his puppet I would never allow that with my kids so I’d never allow it with his so I left I went to a friends for an hour I came back. I apologised even tho I really did nothing wrong he made me feel like i spoilt his daughters time here because I then found out after I’d left he punched a door smashed a pic and cried to her about a horrible person I was. It killed me I now know after seeing this child a few weeks ago she knows exactly what her fathers about and like all the women before me she knows how to play daddy so she gives it the whole yes daddy poor daddy bla bla she has him suss but how awful for her hopefully she use that n never end up with a man like her father but if history tells us anything that won’t be the case so fast dowsed a few hours she’s upstairs in bed he’s in bed I say I’ll sleep on the sofa he comes down he’s drunk. He tries it on I say no. Anyone knows me knows I’m a bit of a sex fiend even on a row. But I was so sad and hurt by his behaviour around his child is have rather ate my own shit he started to take off my clothes whilst I silently fought him. He kept forcing his tounge down my throat with me trying to say stop I said no I wanted to stab him in the head I had a Stanley knife under my pillow and all I kept thinking was don’t do it his daughters upstairs. He starts to touch me tells me I want it because I’m wet I wasn’t trust me. I’m crying by this point with pure disgusted rage. It all gets a bit worse n then I thought Fuck this Fuck letting men get away with this to protect children. And I told him I would scream for his child if he didn’t get off me and with that he did 😂 he literally got off and he cried because I was horrible he started crying so loud she would here and then again Like mother kicked in and I cuddled him and consoled him to shut the Fuck in prick up so she wouldn’t hear.

He was the cleverest man I ever met he had a way of turning it round every single time so you apologised for his behaviour you apologised because you fought him for trying to control you and then you apologised for making him so something to you because of it and then low n behold for weeks he’d be a good be the perfect man that he was an could be to make you forget the problem with him was he could never maintain it.

Driving down the road once he kicked off because I’d spoke to my ex in a friendly manor he started to wack me in the arm whilst driving after I told him if he gets in my face again I’d break his jaw. So over n over n over again this man is driving n wacking me in the arm saying go on then go on then and by this time I’d learnt that I could not let him have anything that would allow him to be the victim so I kept repeating pull over I want to get out I want to get out when he realised he’d lost control he wasn’t winning this battle he banged me straight in the face and in my pure rage to get out the car I pulled up the hand break. The fuckin car span and span round that road two cars nearly hit arse we landed flipped on the side in a ditch and thank god doe a big cow thing that stopped us falling in the car 20 odd feet down this lane we would have died. No ifs ands or buts both tyres exploded the side of the car was fucked. When we finally stopped n kinda came round he was in shock he was shaking crying he jumped out picked me up out of the car n just cares how I was. Sheer panic and omg was all that was apparent and like a knob I forgot why or how and I felt awful for nearly killing us both and made up a lie played it down boy racers ran us off the road he played it how lucky we was to survive n life is to short and the thought of Nearly losing me would fix him now, I kinda knew it wouldn’t but I hoped it would and I loved him and I was in bloody shock so I said ok.

It’s not always violent abuse I have been told I have no friends people hate me I’m ugly my family hate me I’m this n I’m that all for man to try n get me where he wanted me or to get him what he wanted what I’ve spoke about is not even half of things that have happened

I spent many a Friday sleeping on my friends sofa one night was actually her trampoline as fridays was always a child free night so standard there was a kick off because he’d get away with it. This particular night I was woke up to have sex. Prior to this Before I fell asleep I was drunk n throwing up.

After the sex he started shouting demanding to go through my phone a daily ritual for him that he tried. In the end I had enough left after he chase me round the streets shouting you can’t hide princess I’ll find you. Even now when a man calls me princess it sends shivers down my spine. I got to my friends no phone didn’t wanna wake her so slept freezing my tits off on her trampoline in the morning I go home turns out he has my phone the whole time so why the need I don’t know but it was all my fault for being sick and I was cold n hungry n tired so I just said yea I’m a Cunt night night 👍🏻

About three days before I left him as it had to be planned because I’d tried before n failed after he’s broke in turned people against me

He’d tried begged blackmailed wooed and Fuck in for me in that flow again because I loved him. He’d started and he hit my head off the wall I don’t know why I think me n two friends and won the quiz he refused to play n then he got moody so I wound him up about being a sore loser I think. So anyway head hit off wall and I punched back then he did and it ended up in naked brawl on the bed literally kicking the shit out of each over in the end I had him in the corner and I was Fuck in hitting the Cunt and crying n he stopped fighting back and I remember saying over n over again what’s the matter. You only like us when we’re scared this is for every bird you’ve ever had in fear and then I stopped just like that. I went downstairs n I slept on the sofa probably best sleep I’d had in a while. I don’t regret that I don’t feel bad about that and I’m glad he left with that.

And don’t get it twisted I loved him I had a hundred people who didn’t know what the real him was like say OMG you was such a great couple why. Cause we was, we loved each over we laughed I loved his kids him mine we was a great little family. We desired each over it was primal it was electric. It was fuckinamazing and even my kids were sad when it ended and so were his god his daughter begged me to take him back only weeks ago because the kids never see that side of it thank god but he had a side and it was toxic it’s who he is speaking to other ex’s some got off lightly and others Fuck me did I get off lightly Jesus . But abuse comes in all forms it doesn’t have to be black n blue it doesn’t have to be public it doesn’t even have to be violence it can just be somebody making you not be you making you change because of there insecurities or put you in a box because there jealous of who you are or how you are.

It can be sexual, verbal, physical it can be just one of them. It can be from a Fuck a man you are head over heels for a soul mate Fuck it can be your husband. But it’s never ok. And unless other girls and boys learn that it’s not ok and sometimes something you just think is a man thing is not a fuckin man thing it’s fuckin abuse and to stop it or walk the fuck away. So many men and women are killed every Fuck in day cause of abuse and some women ain’t like me and there kids witness it sometimes they have no choice n there sons grow up to be abusers or daughters n there sons or daughters think it’s ok to be abused. Or the emotional scars even if you get out in one piece as I said princess sends a shiver down me a man in my face makes me litreally take every ounce of self control not to stab him in the face a man I was spending time with recently pissed me off n he said it’s ok babe punch me I know you wanna I been a dick just punch me and yea I wanted too I wor lie 😂 And hed never hit me back it’s just not who he is. But I wouldn’t because to him it’s just a punch but to me it’s so much Fuck in more….

There always an excuse, there’s always a reason there Fuck in ain’t but any great abuser has one

I have heard it was parents fault mates faults, childhood faults, drugs faults. Drinks faults. Other people’s fault works fault moneys fault and most of all mine

I was too loud, too quiet, to sexual, to strong, to independent, to determined, too funny, to popular, too good at my job, too clever, not clever enough, loved my kids too much, too emotional on my dead daughters birthday, didn’t love enough, loved too much, too pretty, too ugly, too fat, to thin, too many freckles, too white, too many friends, too well liked, too tough, too much of a spoiling mother and when that was all on the ok level I was making dinner to fast or too slow, baths too hot or too fast, I was too good at suckin cock, or too much of a bitch for not liking anal, too much of a good dancer, a terrible person for not being able to sing. A Cunt for Not getting rid of my dog he hated, not cuddly enough in bed, too distant in my sleep. Not distant enough…. Every single fuckin thing was an excuse to start or a reason as to why.

You know the only god damn Fucking reasons I never ever ever let him be my master and I’d never be his Fuck in puppet and loving him being loyal being a good mother or a good wife or a whore for him or earning my own money was just never enough. He wanted me in his pocket like a polly that he could take out and play with n show off when he see fit n lock away when he didn’t and not matter how much he loved me or how much I loved him he loved control so much more. And it was funny he spent his adult life trying to control people the one person that had no self control ? HIM !!!! #Walkaway #riseabove #Recognise #eventhemostlovingcanbethemostdangerous #Thedevilwasonceanangel

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