#steby extras

[simturlude]

just who are you?

│unedited oc ss for my story salt the earth behind you

[prettiestsupersoldier]

Better Than Before

5k+  words 

AN:This was supposed to be posted damn near 2 weeks ago but  so many distractions the Kingsman trailer eggsy my love and my favorite video game getting an update and school to a much lesser degree than the first 2. also my laptop hates Buckys name now so that great and I still suck at endings and titles and writing in general 

 The first part A year and Six Months

@babemichael

Friday afternoon to Sunday night Bucky isn’t an Avenger he is a dad with a daughter. A daughter that loves piggy back rides and stories before bed. A daughter who hates apples but loves carrots more than any bunny rabbit in the world.

“Daddy!!” The now 2 and a half year old screeches in a fit of giggles as Bucky chases behind her. Her tiny legs carrying her as fast and as far as they can away from him.

It had been a long almost 2 years for you and Bucky after being away for so long it was a little weird in the beginning. He was insistent that you stay for longer than the few days you had intended so he could get to know everything he had missed out on in the year and 6 months you had been away. He was more then happy to take care of all the diapers Jamie had while you were there “A few poopy diapers is nothing compared to what you’ve had to deal with.” and any late night feeding he was more than ready to jump up and go get a bottle.

“Princess, I'm gonna get you!” He's a few steps behind her and there's a giant smile on his face. He hasn't been as happy as he is now in such a long time. There are toys all over his floor of the tower. His once plain black bed sheets and cover are now a bright purple with Doc McStuffins on them. There are crayon drawings on every appliance in his kitchen. There’s an abundance of princess dresses and crowns in his room closet. His kitchen that once only contained the bare minimum, A few beers, plums, and leftover take out, was now stocked with vegetables, dinosaur chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese and any other thing a growing almost 3 year old could ever possible want. His once bare and empty floor is now full of color and life.

There's a shriek that snaps Bucky back to the present and he sees his daughter tumbling forward. She's tripped over one of her monstrous toys uncle Tony insisted she needed to have, he isn't sure which one but in his opinion they are all death traps. He leaps the few feet that it takes to get to her before she can fall, both arms braced for her to fall into him. There is a small squeak from the impact of her falling into his arms but no tears which was always a good sign.

“I'll always be here to catch the princess before she falls” He smothers her face with kisses and tiny bites as he tickles her sides and makes his way back to his room for bed.

“Now, bedtime so we can see mommy tomorrow.” He says as he pulls out her favorite paw patrol pajamas.

‘Family Day’ had been hands down the best idea Bucky had ever come up with. He knew it was pushing the limit when he asked for you guys to spend an entire saturday together and he was sure you would tell him no there was no point in you being around while he spent time with Jamie, but you hadn’t, you wanted the best for your child and a full day with both parents just having fun and being a family you felt was the best for her because even if you and Bucky couldn't make a relationship work you could still be a family.

She pouts and he swears you must have taught her that. The way her bottom lip sticks out and her eyes get all shiney. It's your pout the one that you gave him when you asked to go out for a late night walk at 2 in the morning because you were convinced the fresh air and quiet atmosphere would help you sleep better ( It did help you sleep better because the second you got to the park and sat down on the bench you were fast asleep and bucky had carried you all the way back home, when you woke up the next morning you didn't remember going for the walk and bucky didn't bring it up completely happy with the memory of carrying your sleeping form all the way back to the tower.). He helps her jump into her shorts and pulls the shirt over her head. He can’t help but to laugh as her tiny hands search for the arm holes.

“Story.” She was so tired and he heard it all in her voice the way it got softer and the way her sentences completely cut off to only a few words. Saw it in her actions she got cuddlier and more affectionate, and bucky thought of how you used to get that way when you got sleepy or sick. Then his mind wondered to what you must have been like all big and pregnant, how you must have been so adorable, wondered who you cuddled with when you were almost due, wondered if there was another person who laid besides you and rubbed your back the way you liked. He didn’t like to think about that, didn’t like to remember that it was his own fault he wasn’t there.

“How about I tell you a special bedtime story?” He hated thinking about you with someone else and then he thought that there must have been a time when you felt that way.

She crawls over to him and settles her tiny body into the space between his neck and metal arm. In the past he would have tried to move her over to his human arm out of fear of hurting her, but he's learned a lot in this year and the fact that she loves his metal arm almost as much as you had is always his favorite to remember.

“peas?” Her tiny voice asks and he can't say no, never wanted to tell her no.

“Anything for you.” And it true he would do anything at all if she asked. So he begins quietly telling the only story he could think of. The day you met.

He remembered that day more vividly than anything else. It was early maybe 4 in the morning when he and Steve had come back to the tower and of course F.R.I.D.A.Y. wasn't going to let them just sneak in. There had been a short but loud alert to let the team know that they had arrived back and as the team filled out from the back bucky had taken a mental note of everyone. Natasha didn’t even look a little bit tired and that terrified him. Clint looked dead on his feet and that seemed pretty normal for him. Tony Bruce and Rhodey all looked like they hadn’t even been to sleep yet. Then you walked in leaning heavily onto Thor's broad back You had been almost invisible standing behind the giant asgardian but he saw you. He couldn't stop looking at you.

He remembered your hair being a mess and all over your head. He would always tell you he liked your hair any way you did it but when it was a mess that was his favorite it reminded him of that moment. You had dried up drool in the corner of your bottom lip clearly F.R.I.D.A.Y. had interrupted a good deep sleep. Your pajama shirt was riding up your belly and your shorts were practically twisted all the way around our legs.

“She was so pretty.” He sounded like he was in a daze and he kind of was remembering how you couldn't even keep your eyes open when he and Tony had made amends that night. He remembered how you cuddled up on the couch after that and refused to be moved until morning when you woke up again. He knew his daughter wasn't listening at this point by the soft even breathing coming from her. He kissed her cheeks one final time before picking her up and laying her down on the bed next to him.

“Ready to go home?” You ask reaching for your daughter. It was now Sunday evening and the family day was over and you were beyond tired. Jamie had insisted she wanted to go see the puppies at the park after breakfast and he couldn't say no to her and you couldn't say no to either of them so you went, and you and he had spent the entire day chasing after her as she ran with the dogs.

“Stebie…” Her tiny voice whines as she holds on to Steve's shirt for dear life. This is Bucky’s least favorite part about weekend visits. When you guys have to leave after family day and you have to say goodbye and he comes to the crushing realization that after all this time you still aren't back where he knows you belong. That you still don't go to bed next to him every night or wake up next to him every morning any more.

“You know you guys are always welcome to stay here for a few extra days.” Steve says rubbing circles into Jamie's back and giving quick glances to his left at Bucky who was staring off into space.

“That would be great but I don't have any clothes here.” You would love to stay at the tower it had been such a long time and you honestly missed the team so much. Having late night drinks and movies with Natasha and Wanda. Annoying Tony with Clint and Scott. You missed them all and it would be so nice to finally spend time with them again.

When you looked at Steve and Bucky again you saw his lips move but didn't hear exactly what he’d said.

“What'd you say buck?” You asked honest curiosity evident in your voice.

“Of course you still have clothes here how could I throw them out?”

“I … uh I said that...” He was floundering and he needed help bad.

“He said we can find something for you to wear around here.” Steve provides without missing a beat and if he wasn't already eternally indebted to Steve he is now.

“Well then I guess it's settled.” You said as you smiled up at the three of them.

After you and Bucky put Jamie to bed, her insisting that she wanted to sleep in her room of the tower next to her favorite uncle Steve’s (“Why doesn't she love me as much as she loves capsicle?! I sneak her cookies all the time! IT'S NOT FAIR!!” “You're a grown man Tony.” “WHO NEEDS LOVE AND AFFECTION!”), you both went your separate ways.

You went off to one of the many spare rooms in the tower a hot shower was calling to you. You were sweaty and hot and your bones were aching after running around with Bucky and your daughter. Luckily with all the running she did Jamie would  definitely sleep through the night.

Less than 5 minutes after you had gotten out of your shower there was a knock on the door and before you could even get up to open it, it had been flung open revealing a very excited looking Natasha and avery apologetic looking Wanda.

“I have rum and vodka!” Natasha sings as she shuts the door behind them with her socked foot.

“Wanda has popcorn and oreos let's do this!!”

So that's how you spent the next few hours with the girls laughing at stories about the the team, your team that you missed. You would occasionally pipe in with stories about Jamie when she came up and both Nat and Wanda would tell you how lucky you were to have such a beautiful baby girl.

“Do you know how awful it was watching the winter fucking soldier mop around this place? It was terrible.” Natasha said face first into the bed sheets.

You laughed bitterly at that. You couldn't imagine Bucky being upset over you not being around after what hed done. You had on several occasions thought about what and who he had been up to while you were away. How many people he had in his bed. How often he would go out looking for a new person to keep his bed warm and it made you sick to your stomach every time you thought about a new person in his bed.

“He didn't do what you're thinking.” Wanda stated before standing up from the floor.

You must have looked like a deer in headlights when you whipped your head around to look at her.

“After you left he didn't have anyone else. He told the woman not to ever come back and kicked her out and then … then there was no one else.” She said looking cheerfully in your direction before pulling Natasha to her feet.

“We better get out of here it is super late good night!”She called out as he hurried her Natasha from your room.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. is Sergeant Barnes in his room?” you asked the AI unite as you checked the time. It was barely 3:30.

“Not yet Miss he is leaving the common room from talking to ones Mr. Wilson and Captain Rogers.”

“Thank you F.R.I.D.A.Y.” you replied before you collapsed onto the bed fully intending on getting some sleep but you couldn't. You needed to talk to Bucky.

Bucky on the other hand had gone in search of Sam and Steve for much needed advice. He found them not long after he started his search in the living area of the tower watching some terrible movie he didn’t know the name of. He plants himself on the opposite couch from both sam and steve and stares down at his hands.

“I need help with Y/N.” He didn't need to look up from hands to know that they were staring at him so he just kept talking.

“I know that I've always wanted a family I … I can remember always wanting a family with a girl I couldn't get enough of. A big one with lots of kids and a dog or two.”

“Yeah Buck you always talked about it when we were coming up.”

“I never wanted to be a ‘baby daddy’ or have a ‘baby mama’ I wanted to be married and to have a wife. Y/N was what I wanted and only Y/N. I want my best girl back.” He dared to look up now. Steve was still looking at him but Sam had turned his attention back to the TV.

“You missed that train dude.” Sam said flipping through some channels on the TV.

“Sam.” Steve warned.

“Buck are you sure you wanna tell her all of this now? What if she still needs time?” Bucky looked over at Steve to see if he was serious about what he'd said. He couldn't possibly be he had waited way longer than he needed to and he was ready to tell you. He had too.

“What!? He's already wasted so much time sitting on his ass and moping. I’m surprised she hasn't moved one yet. A gorgeous girl like her with such a cute kid if she wanted to she could have definitely done better by now.”

“Sam stop. Buck why don't you just wait it out a little longer.”

“No Steve. He's been sitting around here waiting for too long expecting us all to feel sorry for him because the light of his life left him. News flash dude no one told him to be balls deep into the next woman. If he felt the way he says he does, as bad as he says he does then he should grow up and act like it. Tell her. Now or never.”

Having Sam give him an ultimatum like that put more of his thoughts into perspective. Sam was definitely the hardest on him after you left and Buck had assumed it was because he was the one who had known you outside of the avengers first but after a few months Sam had confronted him about his actions. Sam had screamed at him for nearly an hour and a half about how he’d let the best thing that ever happened to walk out and he was forced to listen to him. Listened to him yell that he had never seen Bucky happier than when you were around.

“He's right.” Bucky said getting up from his seat on the couch. He'd made his decision, he was gonna tell you tonight come hell or high water.

By the time he made it back to his floor all he could think about was telling you everything. He wanted to talk about all the ways he had messed up from the tiniest things like leaving his clothes in the washing machine for days at a time to this last huge one. He didn't care if you were with someone new … well he did but even if you were he would still tell you.

He was drawn from his thoughts at the softest knock on his door. He knew there was no way it was anybody but you at this time of night so he swallowed all the nervous and all the doubt and told you too come in.

You weren't drunk by any means. Tipsy absolutely, but not drunk you still had a child to look after the next day and a hangover wouldn't help with that at all. You were just a lot braver now which was what had you knocking on his door so close to 4 in the morning.  

You walked in wearing the pajamas Steve had given you earlier that night. You recognized them the very second he handed them to you, your favorite sleep shorts and one of Bucky's way too large for either of you shirts. A part of you hoped he would be asleep by now, hoped that in the time it took for him to get from the common area to his room he would be dead tired. Before he would try and be in bed by 12, but now you had no idea what his sleep schedule was like. When you finally got the courage to knock on the door it took no time at all for him to tell you to come in.

When you walked in you were shocked everything was different. The queen sized bed he used to have was replaced with a giant California king. The blackout shades that covered his window before were gone and there was nothing in its place showing off the starry night and New York skyline. You always thought his room had the perfect view. The walls that were once bare now had pictures of Jamie smiling as she was pushed on a swing and ones of her in a pretty pink dress as he and Steve stood either side of her in suits. You’d have to ask about that one later. You laughed a loud to yourself as you noticed the Doc McStuffins bedspread.

Buckys eyes followed yours around the room. When you laughed his decision to tell you was solidified.

“She said Doc McStuffins would help with the nightmares.” She had said that a few months back after he had come back from a 3 week long mission. He had come home beat down and tired and only wanting to see her face and when he finally had he cried. He hated being away for  more than a week, of course he had a job a to do being one of earth's mightiest heroes but he was always a little more anxious now that he knew he had a tiny child depending on his safe return. That night he had slept with her cuddled close enough for him to hear her even snores but far away enough that should he have a soldier's nightmare she was out of harm's way. He had had a nightmare that night. He had to watch his daughter be dragged away from him while he sat strapped into that goddamn chair as she cried out to him to help her. He’d woken up covered in sweat and tears and million and one ideas about what would happen if HYDRA could get to her. How he’d do anything and everything to get her back even if he had to be the soldier again. So he cried again over all the things that could happen to his daughter and all the fighting he would go through all over again just to keep her safe. She had woken up at the sounds of his sobbing and all he could do is give her a watery smile and open his arms to her as she crawled in and wiped his tears away.

“Doc Mcstuffins makes the bed dreams go away.” She had yawned out to him and the very next day he had gotten rid of his black bed set in exchange for his current one.

“She’s great like that.” You smile at him as you walked over to the window admiring the stars in the sky.

“She gets her greatness from you.” He says looking at the stars from his spot on the bed.

“Well her dad is pretty great too.” You turn to look at him as he watches the stars behind you

You take this time to note the similarities between  him and Jamie. The way they both look at something they really love with gold in their eyes. The crooked smile they both have on their faces when they think no one can see it.

“Can I um ask you something?” You don't wait for his response before you start asking all the questions that you've wanted to ask for so long.

“Why wasn't I enough?” and then you're crying and you can't stop and your mouth is still going, asking questions you aren't sure you even want to know the answers to.

“Was it because she's prettier than me?” There's a loud sob and it sounds so far away from where you are right now, so foreign to your own ears but you know it's you and you can't stop the next one that crashes through you. There is one last question that leaves your lips before you can stop it.

“Did you really love me?” Your bottom lips is quivering as you stare back at him.

Buckys heart is shattered with the first question you ask and it shatters into tinier and tinier pieces with each question you ask but it's the last one that turns the pieces to pure dust.

You'd never cried around Bucky before, not when you first broke your arm on a mission, not when, You had to watch a dog be taken from her pups not even when you left that night. You were crying now though and it hurt for Bucky to know it was all his fault.

He jumped up from his position on the bed to walk towards you.

“Doll please this wasn't your fault it was me 100% me and me alone. You were perfect … always so perfect.” He reached to wipe your tears away, he didn't want to see you see cry over his stupid mistakes.

He wanted to hold you and kiss you but he knew better than to do any of that, now wasn't the time. He had to talk first, tell you everything thing he had been telling himself for so long.

“Y/N, Doll you gotta sit down okay? I don't want you passing out.” You were hyperventilating and it was scaring him. He was reaching for your hands now to lead you towards the bed. You nodded tears still flowing down your hot cheeks you didn't reach to grab his hands though instead rubbing at your eyes as you walked over to the bed.

“I'm just gonna talk now okay? I just need to talk and I really want you to listen but if you don't I'll understand completely.” He sat at the end of the bed facing you, as much as he didn't want to look at you while you were crying he needed to look into your eyes to tell you this.

“I ...I messed so terribly bad. I did. I wish I could say that it was something that just happened, unplanned but I can't I knew what was going to happen that day and I was fully aware of her intentions and what she wanted from me and what I wanted from her.” He could feel his throat closing and his breath was coming out hard and fast but he wasn't finished he still had so much more to say.

You just stared back at him tears slowly but steadily flowing the more he spoke.

“I have regretted that day every single day since it happened and every single day I have beaten myself up about it.”

You could believe that, Bucky was definitely the type of person who beat himself over things that he had control over just as much as things he didn't, especially after HYDRA and all the brainwashing he'd been put through. He spent countless nights recounting to you all of the things he'd done and you'd listen to everything he had said, listened to the way he blamed himself over the HYDRA agents that ruined him, listened to how he beat himself up until his throat was raw and broken remembering everything he had done.

“Every night since you left has been the absolute worst of my entire life only made worse by the constant reminder that I failed not only you but our precious daughter.”

Your daughter, god he remembered the first time you said she could stay at the tower with him and the entire night he just stared at her looking at your eyes and hoping beyond hope that she turned out exactly like you. He thought about how he started crying when she first said ‘daddy’ and he broke down to his knees in front of her a complete mess and her chubby hands wiped his tears away and he knew she would be exactly like you.

He looked away from you and out the window again.

“I took the blinds from the window down a few weeks after you left. I couldn't get a good night's sleep Steve said I looked like a zombie. That was his way of being nice.” There was a scratchy laugh from him you could tell he wanted to cry but he wouldn't “I looked horrible my hair was a mess knotted together I hadn't showered or eaten in days.”

He thought back to Steve trying to get him to do anything to go for a run, to eat, to come out of his room for longer them 5 minutes. But he just wouldn't, couldn't get himself to care about anything or anyone let alone himself. He felt sick and guilty and not worthy of being around the rest of the team. So he stayed in his dark room and sulked away for weeks until one night Steve had suggested he take the blinds down.

“He said that looking at the stars would calm me down help me an okays night's sleep.” You were still looking at his face as he stared out of the window wondering where this was going.

“I took one look at the stars that night and they reminded me of when you used to smile at me  whenever I would and your eyes would crinkle at the very edge and sparkle just like the stars.”He finally looked backed at you. His eyes were glossy and he sounded like he could just barely breath.

“I love you so much doll.“ He choked out.

“I don't deserve for you to love me back I broke your trust and if you never forgive me again I can't blame you. But i'd really love to try and prove that I can do so much better than before even if that means starting all the way over … well not all the way over you can't put jamie back inside of yo-.”

“Buck!” You giggle out hoping to cut him off.

“Right right. I want to try again for you to give me one last second. Just one and i'll do so much better. For you for Jamie for our family. I love you so much doll and I always will no matter what you decide.” He looked down at his hands for a few beats then decided he need to look at you to see how sincere he was in that moment.

You looked him in the eyes for the first time that night and you believed and trusted him. It scared you to trust him again, to be so ready to believe him again, of course it did and it would take a long time for you to be able to not feel fear when you said you trusted him.

“I love you too.” It's​ whispered into his chest as he crushes you into a hug and you don't wanna leave his embrace not now not ever.

It wasn't gonna be easy road from here on out and you knew that, you knew there would be days when you would remember all he’d put you through and want to leave all over again, knew that there would be times where you got into arguments and you both would bring up the past and say things you didn't mean. You knew that things would never be the same going forward, but you also knew you still really wanted to try again so you would.

The next morning when you wake up, a cold metal arm wrapped around your waist, a scruffy chin buried into your neck and long hair falling against your cheek, you think that there is no way your morning can get any better. Then there’s the sound of the door opening and closing you keep your eyes closed knowing exactly who it is. You feel the ruffling of the bed as she climbs up and over you to squeeze in between yourself and Bucky. You assume she’s just jumping into bed for a cuddle before she asks for her breakfast. So you decide to close your eyes and go back to bed he was more than capable of making her breakfast.

“Daddy?”  

He was used to waking up at the drop a hat. He had to be in case Steve's breathing had suddenly changed when he got sick and Sarah was away at work. When he would have to listen to the feet of his enemies from miles away as a soldier back in the war. Listening for the steady slam of heavy boots on tile floors before he had to be wiped again. So when he heard the door knob turn he was already awake.

“Yes princess?” Then she is climbing into bed over the body that laid in front of him and there's a smile on his face that's at least 5 miles long. You went to sleep where he knew you should have been sleeping since the beginning and soon you'd be waking up where he knew you should be. You were home and he was complete.

“Cuddle?” She says as she not so gently squeezes her body between yours and his and even though he gets elbowed in his stomach and chest he definitely couldn't be happier than now lying with his best girls.