#still a little unhealthy but it'll kill me slower and taste better

[andytheauthor]

Okay, this is a very personal post, and I'm putting it here because I need to say it somewhere or I'm going to be an idiot about it. Tw for smoking and my dad being a piece of shit.

So. My dad was a heavy smoker, and would chain smoke cigarettes with me next to him on the couch from age 8ish onwards. I don't do well around cigarettes; they make my throat feel swollen and dry, almost like an allergic reaction, and make me incredibly nauseous. This was true even as a kid; I frequently left my dads house extremely sick after his visitation days.

Now I am an adult, and I do not smoke. I tried cigarettes a couple of times, years ago, and they made me sick, so I never had a habit of my own.

The thing is, I have frequent cravings, and constantly have to fight the urge to start smoking. Despite hating the taste, and the way they make me feel, and the fact that I have only ever smoked twice in my life. I have to stop myself from looking at the tobacco kiosk at the store, or asking for one if a friend smokes, or swiping one from my brother if I'm visiting.

Literally nothing about the cigarette experience is appealing to me! Why the hell does my body want me to start a dangerous habit that can get me killed? At the very least, I'll be intensely sick! Secondhand smoke can be minorly addictive, but I only saw my dad once or twice a year since I was 18, tried to stay out of his smokecloud when I did see him, and he's been dead for three years!

Even writing this, I am killing time until the stores close because I saw a pack of cigarettes earlier and want to go fucking buy a pack, and this way I can't go buy them. What the hell is wrong with my body, and why are these suckers apparently so addictive that even a non smoker who might be allergic to tobacco is still craving them??