#svetlana was overworked and overwhelmed but underappreciated

[hayscodings]

on svetlana’s independence, responsibility, etc.

svetlana having grown up in an environment where she was severely and cruelly punished for something as small as forgetting to bathe her grandmother’s dog and then being trafficked into a country where she had no family and was forced to look out for herself meant that she was never afforded the luxury of making mistakes or being irresponsible. she couldn’t just sit back and decide that she wasn’t feeling up for shouldering any burdens on a given day. she couldn’t take the day off from being an adult, even when she wasn’t yet one. she had to be Alert and Prepared all of the time. being forgetful or tired or lazy wasn’t an option. making any slip, no matter how small, was too costly— if it didn’t result in punishment, it jeopardized her survival, or both.

it’s why, by the time that we meet her, even when her life is more settled and she no longer has to live in survival mode 24/7, she’s unable to turn it off. it’s why she’s hyper-independent and doesn’t know how to ask for help and feels like she has to do it All. it’s why she gets frustrated when she’s interrupted, questioned, or not trusted to be able to handle things. it’s why she’s so demanding of herself and doesn’t understand how others can be so careless. it’s why she takes on so many responsibilities without being asked. when i say that svetlana has severe anxiety, this is what i am referring to.

she doesn’t know how to rest and she doesn’t feel that she can delegate to the people around her because the people around her aren’t as attentive or as competent as she is. and when those same people fail to appreciate everything that she does for them, she feels hurt. she was losing sleep pouring over the alibi books while kev and v got a good night’s rest— she did this without complaint and without owning any percentage of the bar at the time. she doesn’t ask for help, and, because it seems as though she has everything under control, she isn’t offered it. so she never gets it.

this also explains the mentality she has wherein she expects other people to trust her completely. when kev and v question her she takes it personally because she interprets their uncertainty as a failure on her part to have measured up. the way she sees it, her actions should speak for themselves and serve as reassurance that she is capable and has it all under control. in doubting her abilities, they are doubting her. and has she not done everything that she possibly could to warrant their confidence? why are they so worried that she’ll let them down? it’s a huge insecurity for her and a source of stress, and when you remember the high standards to which she was held as a small child, it’s not difficult to understand why.

svetlana feels the need to prove herself when it comes to the people she loves, so being questioned by them makes her feel like she hasn’t. and because she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t, she becomes irritable. this is not a sustainable way to live and, sooner or later, she would reach a breaking point. we start to see the cracks in s8, but then she’s hastily written out of the series. rest assured, though, that in due time the burnout would catch up with her— and, as soon as it did, her trauma would follow. because the only reason that she was able to outrun it for so long was that she didn’t have the time to consider it when she was focused on meeting basic needs while living in survival mode.