#tbh if i did the job interview tomorrow and got it id probably hate myself more asdkljfahldkjh

[elegyofthemoon]

ahh i'm,,, so happy that i got some job offers already !! ;; v ;; theres two currently and im waiting to hear from one place and then theres one more interview tomorrow (which. i really dont wanna do), but i'm really happy that two worked out!! i just... wouldnt know what to decide on😔

[imtiredofthis1-blog]

what am i going through

i can’t stop

i really cannot i want to i want to

to stop dreaming to stop remembering

it’s so vivid to me and each state i remember so swell

im not feeling well no not anymore

me accepting this this

hurts..

i wasted two years to you

i dont say it with pride i say it with bitter thought

why couldn’t ive been more alive and well with you

am i really obsessed with you..

man i really rotating time as i think about you

i think about yrs ago forming a sacred essence

i hate myself and i keep getting my face wet

i just can’t stop it’s driving me nuts

im accepting this but everytime i confirm

or conform

i say it’s not true...

please take me from this place i don’t belong here..

i really do not

im afraid of my thoughts and i’m afraid of my reality

i wanna be riche and i wanna be a pomme

how can i tun away how can tun from this

god only knows but internally i am a god just like anyone else

nevermind

______________________________________________________\\

it’s 11:32 closer to 33

i have an interview tomorrow and i’ve been trying to sleep for a while.. but i really can’t.. i don’t know why i keep pulling you in and out of my life or mentality... why am i so weird.. is this nooo i can’t say that cause i know other humans feel this way during break ups.. things that mean a lot to them can’t just disintegrate and be forgotten like a snap.. anyways i hope it goes well so i can juggle two jobs.. i need too i want it.. i keep getting bad vibes here and i’ve been trying to save but it’s hard i can’t we’ll i can but i’d rather not take bread from them they well he gets destructive and try’s to power move me.. it’s unhealthy this vicinity is unhealthy.. i need a friend i need some help.. my grandma called me well i called her to thank her for the present on christmas.. she’s willing to help me through college and i’m just in despair or should i lessen the term im grateful im dead grateful i need help... fafsa won’t work cause my mother won’t. budge just like my father back in 2014-15 child’s and petty i hate them but they brought me to here they birthed me and i can’t say much about my father but my mother.. i feel the minute i was in womb thst she believed it would be a beautiful fruition and that i would be a gift a great gift and she treasured me.. cause i think about girls that abort and i’m all for it but the prior thoughts of destroying life not in a negative manner but more of like oh what will this little guy become if birthed here... so i thank her more and i appreciate the gift of life but boy oh boy so i wish wasn’t alive :/ lol idk

life is weird

i am weird

thank you mom i love you whether we have a bad one or good

anyways it usually goes well for me i mean i basically just walked in told them my application online wasn’t going through and that i just came in to drop a resume and it got awkward cause i insisted or rather demanded ??? an interview lol and i got it.. but i really really hope i get it thst be sweet getting discounts on socks i really like and clothes or accessories .. and then i think about you and wish to share this with you like i shared my sw card so you can get your cake for cheaper..

im done being negative i can still feel it inside but it’s just such a drain and maybe i will strike with jealousy on my next and id have to figure it out then probably sit down with her and talk about our relationship and how we wish to pan it out... but then i just lay here typing this and conclude that i feel solitude would be better although i’m so butthurt or hurt that i destroyed something so beautiful to gorgeous in heart .. i built something and destroyed it.. i’m sorry

im sorry for the waste of time.. the destructive behavior.. the petty.. the midnight leave..

i was just hurt and i can’t invalidate or dismiss your feelings but i played on you and made you unhappy.. tbh a lot of things i didn’t know like i would just say things cause things were accustomed to me like the way i talk i spoke without censor because it’s just spontaneous or me like i would drive a train a thought and hop onto another train that didn’t coerrelate and expected people to get the gist

yeah

i am working in that

maybe it’s just who i am..

what i can do is develop it

or what i should say is i’m gonna develop it

but right now my focus is more money a desperation from this “home” then cooking.. then writing and letting it all out on this demo idea

i talk to myself about why i still sit in these realm of i can’t let go.. most of the time it’s cause i’m in that state of ohhhh we were young and i loved you since like i was 14 cause i wanna say it was around 2008-10 i had another memory earlier that surface around the time 2014 but i can’t recall 😡 anyways cause of that earlier stated mentality that’s probably why i can’t let go cause i wanna love someone who knew me since we were young.. “hey dad how did you meet mom and how long do you guys know eachother” that’s what i think about... and i really try to sway from this badly.. cause it’s all dreams..

i never posted anything for that girl you hate i just posted stuff cause i was sad i proceeded to block her cause it was a bit unhealthy

i dont really chat with anyone except my friends from california but they’re so distant that i just hold from that

i wanna go back down there.. really bad

i wanna stay here and help the nest of my sibs but it’s just unhealthier and ubhealthier veing here..

plus another reason i wanna go is to fog this because i can’t i won’t be able to continue my day if i pass you.. it’s all weird to me and you know maybe you’re the same like how you saw him at the mall and it gave you anxiety ..