#terrorcest has ruined my life

[saint-of-los-angeles]

Haphephobia 

Summary: Tommy hugs Nikki. Nikki doesnt even remember what a hug fucking feels like.

Then theres some fluff with a lil bit of angst bc this is me, folks.

Pairing: Tommy Lee x Nikki Sixx

Author's Note: This is basically the world's cheesiest story from the touch starved prompt "I haven't been hugged in years". So I had like, a ton of fun doing this little story?? The prompts were fun so, if anyone has any more, feel free?

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Nikki didn't know if he'd ever get used to just how happy Tommy was. He was an embodiment of sunshine, always bouncing on his heels with a giant grin on his face, the kind of grin that someone can't fake, the kind that reaches a person's eyes and makes them sparkle and radiate joy to everyone around them.

Nikki always felt so damn gloomy when compared to Tommy. He wasn't necessarily a storm, more like an overcast day with the promise of sun hiding behind dark clouds. His joy was there, honestly. He felt it bubbling up everytime he went on stage, every time he found that perfect lyric to compliment the perfect rhythm, and everytime he looked at his drummer, if he was being honest.

Wait, no. Bring that shit back in, Nikki.

That joy was always veiled, however, hidden behind a thin cover, almost to where if you looked hard enough, you could tell it was there, but Nikki would never share willingly.

Tommy was the closest friend he had had since, well, ever, and he had come so close on so many occasions to breaking the stoic act Nikki had been putting on for so many years.

It scared Nikki in more ways than one, he was becoming so damn attached to the kid, if Tommy ever left Nikki would be heartbroken, and that's a scary thought.

Nikki was pulled out of his daydreaming by the sound of a door slamming shut, and Nikki knew by the rhythm of the boots pounding on the floor exactly who it was. 

"Nikki! Dude, you won't believe it." The drummer was practically vibrating with excitement as he stared down at Nikki with shiny eyes.

"I just got back from the Whiskey dude, one of their acts canceled for tonight,  they want us to play! Its gonna be packed tonight, Nik, can you fucking believe it??"

Tommy's voice was this beautiful melody, almost as if he were singing the words, as if you could hear the joy dripping from his lips, and Nikki couldn't help but let a grin sneak out too.

Nikki stood up from his place on the couch, ready to pat the drummer's shoulder, ruffle his hair, chuck him gently under the chin. These gestures had been Nikki's way of letting the drummer know "I know I'm a little rough around the edges, but I still care about you, kid."

But as soon as the bassist was on his feet, he felt arms throwing themselves around his shoulders, a head tucking itself into the crook of his neck, and a warm body trying to melt itself into his as Tommy's delighted chuckles reached his ears.

Nikki knew how fucking stiff he got, he could feel his body go completely rigid and his pulse quicken as his instincts told him to duck and run from this overwhelmingly affectionate display, even though there was an itch in the back of his brain telling him to stay.

This wasn't right, no one touched him like this, no one held him this tightly, like he was something worth holding, not ever in his life and if he doesn't get the fuck out of here he's gonna start crying like a little bitch and NO-

Before he could register his own actions in his brain, Nikki was pushing Tommy off of him and patting his shoulder and retreating. Mumbling out some vague excuse and retreating back to his room, back to his fucking hideout.

Nikki plopped himself on the floor in the corner of his room with an absolute groan as the door slammed behind him. That was humiliating, and he knew Tommy has to be beyond fucking confused right now. Who the fuck runs from genuine displays of honest affection? Nikki fucking Sixx, that's who.

Nikki had wanted nothing more than to stay in Tommy's arms, well, forever honestly. But his body wouldn't allow that, even if his mind was pleading with him to soak in this affection while it lasted.

Tommy was a good kid, someone who was honest with his emotions, and loved with his whole heart. He wouldn't hurt Nikki like he had been hurt in the past.

Right?

Nikki jumped at the sound of light knocking on his door. The sound felt cautious, careful, two things the Tommy never is, and that just made Nikki feel worse.

He didn't want to… dampen this kid. He didn't want his gloom to overtake Tommy's sun, he didnt want to ruin Tommy's open vulnerability and honesty with his emotions because it was so fucking endearing to Nikki. It was something he never was, and he didn't think he could ever be.

"Sixx? I'm coming in."

Nikki wasn't surprised at that, his silence probably had done nothing to console Tommy's worry that was clear in his voice, but what the fuck was he supposed to say?

"Sorry, kid, if you wanna hug someone go find Vinnie and hope he doesn't knock you the fuck out, because I'm too emotionally unavailable to help you with that shit?"

He couldn't say that, because that implies he didn't want the affection.  And he did, honestly he did. All he could do was tell the truth, and that didn't sound like a great option either.

But as he brought his eyes up from their fixed spot on the filthy carpet to look up at Tommy through his dark bangs, who was now sitting on the ground across from him, the brown eyes he saw didn't look angry, they looked softened with a sense of knowing.

Goddammit, T-bone.

"Sorry, Tom.", was all that Nikki could force out in the moment.

And Tommy was just smiling this soft smile at him, accompanied by the cutest little curious head tilt.

"Its okay, Nik- just…. Why don't you like hugs, man? Everyone likes hugs. I fucking love hugs, I mean it's okay, trust me, I guess I just wanna know why-"

Nikki cut him off, because everything he just said was wrong and he couldn't help himself.

"I don't not like them, dude. I haven't been hugged in years- at least 10 fucking years. At least. So I don't know, it just took me by surprise I guess."

Tommy's eyes were wide and his jaw had actually dropped, his mouth forming a perfect o shape, and it would have been fucking comical if Nikki didnt feel so damn vulnerable over this whole situation, especially after the information he just let slip out, fuck.

Tommy didn't say anything for a few moments and when Nikki's eyes caught his for a moment after darting around the room, desperately trying to find something else to look at, he swore he saw shiny tears in them, but that can't be right.

After a few more beats of silence, Nikki saw Tommy moving out of the corner of his eye, and upon looking up, his insides turned to liquid when he saw Tommy sitting there with his arms open, waiting for Nikki to fall into them as if he belonged there.

Nikki was just staring at him at this point, nerves itching to go throw himself at the younger boy, but something was holding him back.

"Come here, Nikki, it's okay."

And, okay, maybe it was okay. Maybe.

Nikki cautiously scooted himself closer, even to himself he seemed like a scared puppy, inching himself closer to a human with the terrifying hope of just a little bit of love.

When he cautiously put his arms around Tommy's back and rested his chin on Tommy's shoulder, he could feel Tommy's grin as his arms burst into action scooping him up, spinning him around, and throwing them back until they were a tangled mess of limbs on the dirty floor.

Nikki couldn't help but think he should be panicking, but Tommy was laughing and the sound was just so beautiful Nikki found himself laughing too as he flipped himself on top of Tommy,  the two of them wrestling around on top of dirty clothes and cigarette packages until they were both out of breath and a loud banging was heard from the room next door. 

"I'm still sleeping, you fucking pricks, can you quit fucking, or whatever the fuck you're doing in there?"

Vinnie's exasperated voice just made the boys laugh harder as Nikki settled comfortably down with his head on Tommy's shoulder and his arm across the drummer's stomach. He felt Tommy's fingers tracing patterns on his back and he smiled, even as his mind came to the realization that this was a step above hugging, they were fucking cuddling.

Nikki couldn't help but wonder how normal it was to want to stay in your straight, male best friends arm's forever.

But that was a problem for another day.

A/N: fun fact, this was supposed to be less than 1000 words. It's not possible.

[chezgender]

Permission

Hello everyone!

This fic is inspired by Angst prompt 5 of this post:  “My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.” The amazing @saint-of-los-angeles helped me with it and if you haven’t, go check her works because she’s amazing!

Pairing: Nikki x Tommy, Terrorcest Warnings: mention of drugs and lots of angst 

Summary: It’s Tommy’s wedding and Nikki has to cope with the idea of losing the love of his life.

Tommy's wedding was, indeed, supposed to be a day of celebration.

But what's the point of celebrating the loss of the person you love the most in the world?

All dressed in white, Tommy Lee looked like the most beautiful creature Sixx had ever seen, an angel sent straight from heaven just for Nikki. Nikki knew every single inch of the skin underneath those clothes, the tattoos he loved to trace, the taste of the salt on Tommy's body. He knew the shades of Tommy's voice, the way they changed when he smiled, or when he cried. 

Despite all of this, Nikki was there, in a stupid black and white tux that he hated, looking at his life-long love marrying another person.

It was no wonder he had injected all the shit that he could into his veins. He was outright wasted, devastated for a lack of a better term, and it was such a miserable scene.

He couldn't even fake happiness for Tommy, even though he should have.

Luckily the ceremony was over, everyone out there was having the time of their life, especially Tommy and Heather, flashing smiles like never before. 

Nikki, instead, was sitting on the cold tiles the bathroom in the huge, painfully clean bathroom. The bassist felt like nothing more than a spot of dirt in there, he felt out of place in every sense of the word. He had barely managed to take a breath before another violent shiver hit him to the core, and he gagged again, his hand desperately gripping the toilet seat. He felt like shit, he knew he had done entirely too much, but no matter how hard he tried, the bassist could think of no other way of making it through that dreadful ceremony.

He could barely hear the knocking at the door through the ringing in his ears, and just let out a weak grunt, hoping the person would take the hint and go away. He grunted louder at the sound of a jiggling door handle as someone tried to open the door, and said a silent prayer of thanks that he at least had enough sense to lock the door. 

Soon enough he was alone again, and focused on the goal of feeling at least slightly better than he currently was, pleading silently with his stomach to just stop lurching. 

His pleas fell on dead ears, of course, as his body kept violently rejecting the goddamn drugs that were supposed to make him feel better, to help him get through this day. This was hell.

His skin was on fire, he felt himself sweating despite the constant chills and shivers that were making him shake like a leaf, and his throat was  burning and raw.

"Nikki? Nikki, are you in there? Open the goddamn door!" a desperate, shaking voice cried out from the other side of the door, a voice Nikki would know anywhere.  

There was Tommy, on the other side of the wooden barrier, with his forehead leaning on the door and wet eyes hidden by his long curls. His shaking hand held the handle in a life-like grip, he would've broken it if he had to. Luckily there was no one around, he had left the party with a poor excuse since Nikki was nowhere to be seen, and Tommy always worried about the bassist.

In the end Sixx opened the door, barely able to stand on his feet, looking dejected and broken, but somehow still beautiful despite the messed up hair, black eyeliner tracks down his cheeks, and the smell of vomit lingering in the air. He would always be beautiful to Tommy.

Tommy hugged him, trying to ignore the feeling of his bones through the clothes. He had lost so much weight since heroin became part of his daily routine. "Nikki... thank fucking god you're alive." He whispered, and felt the bassist shake in his arms. He closed the door and let Nikki sit again, only to follow him. 

"How are you feeling?"

"I love you, you know that right?" Nikki whispered, and Tommy noticed he was barely holding back more fucking tears. "I want to be happy for you, you found love, you found all you were looking for with her…" Tommy remained silent, looking at the ground, unable to say anything. He knew what Nikki was going to say. "So yeah, I'm good really. I might have just.. overdone it with the junk, you know?"

"I'm glad you're here. I know it's hard for you."

"I'm fine, Tommy. Go out there, be with her, you deserve your happiness." Nikki smiled, the best he could. He meant it, in a way. He really wanted Tommy to be happy, even if it meant to lose him. He needed to adapt, adjust. Losing people had been a constant in his life, he was used to it, but somehow this stung more than the rest.

“My heart tells me to kiss you, my head tells me to walk away.” Tommy said in a hushed tone, his heart was as torn as Nikki's. "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?" He continued, and right there Nikki heard the crack in his voice. He lifted his eyes to find Tommy's full of tears, and Nikki's heart broke even more.

"Please, walk away. That's the best for both of us, I can't fuck up your life like I'm doing with mine." The bassist answered, those words hurt so much while being spoken, Nikki could barely hear himself. He whispered them, careful, careful not to say anything that could convince Tommy to kiss him, to cheat on his wife, to give a stupid glimpse of hope to himself when he was trying desperately to accept reality.

"I don't wanna ruin you. I would never forgive myself, Tommy..." 

"But-" Tommy tried to say something, anything, but Nikki interrupted him: "Go, for real. They are waiting for you out there." 

The drummer nodded, even if leaving Sixx there, in those conditions, hurt him like a knife straight to the heart.

"Let me at least walk you to the limousine, so you can go home. Rest, try to sleep and please take care." He proposed, helping Nikki to get up. He was still very weak, possibly even weaker than before, if that was possible. He washed his face with cold water and sipped a bit of it, it tasted amazing and felt so refreshing for his sore throat. He felt his heart seize up when he felt Tommy's warm hand resting on the small of his back, steadying the bassist and grounding him to Earth.

Tommy walked him to the car, dealing with the other guests so Nikki could stay quiet and just smile. He left him in the limo and said goodbye with wet eyes, said he was going to call him later.

Nikki knew Tommy wasn't going to call, he would be much too busy with his new bride and maybe that is for the best, anyway

He asked the driver to bring him home and, on the ride, he did what he knew he shouldn't and called Jason. He asked for more drugs, more substances to help him just forget, and Jason didn't disappoint. When Sixx walked through the garden of Van Nuys, his dealer was already there with the substances requested and waiting for the money.

He shot up again, indeed, because he felt he had no other choice. He needed to forget everything he had said to Tommy, because he regretted every single moment of that conversation.

*****

The drummer had to wait until the party was over and he and Heather were home. He called Nikki once, then twice, but nobody answered. Worry grew and rose in his chest, he was filled with bad thoughts and worst case scenarios. 

Scenarios that involved the love of his life, dead alone on the floor with a needle in his arm.

"Babe, I'm really sorry but I need to go. It won't take long, I promise." He said, hurriedly grabbing his jacket and the keys to his Harley.

The blonde woman looked at him and raised her eyebrow: "Where are you going, to check up on your junkie friend? He can't do anything without you, right?" She sneered, crossing her arms and looking really annoyed.

Tommy walked closer to her, so he could kiss the tip of her nose. Like he always did with Nikki when he was angry for some stupid reason, and he couldn't help but think this felt so wrong with her, but he had to get out of there. "Honey, don't get mad. He needs me, I wanna be there for him. He's my best friend."

"Well then, you might stay at his place for the night then, since you seem to owe him some kind of help." She growled as she threw her nightgown on in a huff. "Why didn't you marry him, instead?" 

Tommy snapped and took a couple of steps back, to avoid losing control of his actions. His fingers were twitching and he couldn't help but think: if I could have, I would have.

"Don't say shit like that ever again. Mind your own fucking business, and stay out of my relationship with Nikki." He spat through gritted teeth, pointing at her with shaking hands. She wasn't intimidated though, just angry, and she rolled her eyes at his obvious distress.

"Yeah sure, go. Go and take care of him. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe. Or maybe not, I might as well pack my shit and leave!"

"I told you it's just for tonight, he was really sick today."

"Whatever. Now get out." And Tommy did as he was told,  running out and jumping on his motorcycle, and speeding his way to Van Nuys. He knew the road by heart then, since he had done it so many times, and luckily it didn't take long.

He had a copy of the keys, of course he did, so he basically ran through the garden and then entered the house. No sound was to be heard except the soft music on MTV, Nikki was probably on the first floor. Of course the place was completely messed up, and he wasn't surprised. 

"Nikki? Are you here?" He called, and then clarified: "It's me, Tommy,'' knowing Nikki's mind spiraled downwards in paranoia, when he was high. He reached the bassist's bedroom and found Nikki sleeping on the bed. He was still fully dressed, and there was the wound of a very recent fix on his left hand. 

At least he was alive, that was all that mattered. Everything else could wait. Tommy laid down next to him, ignoring the not so nice smell in the air, and listened to Nikki's deep breath like a sort of mantra. He was alive. He was alive.

He watched Sixx 's face and breathing for signs of distress the whole night, until the bassist woke up by himself around 4am. 

"Tommy? Is that you or, am I hallucinating?"

The drummer shifted and went closer to Nikki's body: "It's Tommy. How are you?"

"Sleepy. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I came to see if you were okay."

"And what about her?" Nikki enquired, scratching his forehead and then looking for a bottle of water on the drawer. He took a long sip, still looking at Tommy with half closed eyes.

"She's home, pretty mad, but I don't care."

"The fuck, Tommy, you should be there with her." The bassist put a hand to his forehead, his voice sounded tired and most of all, worried. "You shouldn't be here."

"I want to be here, that's the fucking point." Tommy said, and cupped Nikki’s face. The black haired man looked at him, tiredly. Why did Tommy have to do that to him? Hadn’t he endured enough pain yet? He was trying to get used to the idea of living without the love of his life, because Tommy himself said so, because he said they had to cut their relationship short, for their own good. And yet Tommy was there, taking care of him and ignoring all the things he said, all the things he promised. Tommy was there, and Nikki found it so hard to resist, to say no, because he didn't fucking want to.

“Don’t ruin shit, dude.” Nikki growled then, getting up and taking the chance to change his clothes into something more comfortable. He could feel Tommy's sad eyes watching him during the whole process, without saying anything. "You fucking married her. You wanted this."

"I know... but-"

The black haired man looked at him, dead in the eye: "But what, you still love me or something?"

"...There's no way I could ever stop loving you."

"Then you shouldn't have married her." he said back, barely able to swallow the pain those words caused him. He needed to try to lie, to convince Tommy that this was the right decision. Giving up on Tommy, trying to put some distance between them, to save Tommy's marriage. He really wanted Tommy to be happy.

"You have no right to do this to her, and to me, because you know too damn well I can't fucking live like this."

The drummer sat on the edge of the bed and took Nikki's hands, they were kinda cold, but those long and rough fingers felt so familiar when they intertwined with his. "We always kept our relationship secret. What's different now?"

"Tommy, you chose her. You promised to stay next to her no matter what. You shouldn't cheat on her, and moreover, not with me. The difference is in the choice you made." Nikki’s voice was indeed petty strangled at that point, he couldn’t hold back the salty tears. Tommy pulled him closer and hugged his waist, leaning his head on his belly. They both sighed, while the bassist stroked the younger’s hair.

“I still love you anyway. I think that’s pretty clear, right?” Nikki whispered, and Tommy nodded silently as Nikki sat next to him. Shoulder to shoulder, they were looking at the floor with sad eyes. Everything was chaotic in that room: the bed was unmade, clothes and any kind of personal belongings were scattered all over the carpet, the smell of smoke and alcohol mixed with hairspray, the sound of cars passing by. Nikki’s mind drifted off: he couldn’t stay concentrated for too long. He was tired, and there still was the aftermath of drugs, hazing his mind.

Tommy’s voice brought him back to the harsh reality of things: “Can I kiss you one last time?” he asked, and Sixx couldn’t say no to that. Just one last kiss, he told himself, won’t kill anyone, right?

They were familiar with each other, yet, that kiss seemed full of brand new sensations. First the drummer caressed his cheek and then held up his chin, looking into those green eyes he was so hopelessly in love with. Their lips touched ever so softly, just a chaste contact, before Nikki would deepen the kiss by licking the other's lips. Tommy of course followed him, and kissed him in a desperate dance of feelings, almost crying, almost moaning his name so low it couldn't be heard. 

"I love you, I love you so much…" the drummer whispered, stroking Nikki's tangled hair and kissing his jaw and neck, breathing hot against his skin, trying to savor every moment, every single sensation. Nikki bit his lip before lowering his head to kiss Tommy's hair. 

"I love you too, Tommy. More than anything." he quietly murmured back, words they had chanted so many times. Sometimes between laughs, sometimes during sex, sometimes while fighting, but never like this. Tommy was crying: Nikki felt it by the way his back would slightly jolt and his breath kept on stopping. He couldn't do anything about it.

"Stay here tonight, okay? You’ll go home in the morning, I don’t want you driving like this.” Nikki proposed as he laid on the bed, pulling Tommy with him. The drummer remained silent for a while, until he stopped crying, and then nodded: "Okay."

So they fell asleep together, just by basking in the familiar sound of each other’s breath, so reassuring, and soaking in the comforting heat of their skin, tucked in the sheets together, as they were always meant to be.

But both of them knew that the daylight would come much, much too soon.

[saint-of-los-angeles]

vinikki for the ship thing :))

😐 and the only reason is I am so obsessed with Tommy and Nikki together I literally cant picture them with any of the other guys. 😭