#tfw i write a goddamn novel for one ask.

[luminberry]

"You must be starving!" "Yeah... I could eat."

ehehee ALRIGHT SO..im gonna introduce my two new lads, the twins Atticus and Jericho! Both fun loving lawmen of course from the M/P/N heist missions.

reader goofed up trying to break in somewhere under their jurisdiction..it doesn't go how they expect. and imma try some new things with this one so, if ya read it i hope ya dont mind tellin me how it goes :o

there is fatal vore but im trying something i saw and its going to be wholesome since respawn is canon here.

You normally weren't desperate enough to risk doing stupid shit like theft and breaking into certain places in broad daylight. But after getting involved with SQ and trying to make a enterprise for yourself, money was unfortunately a very serious need. And most of the jobs you did off and on didn't quite pay enough to get things done let alone keep the lights on.

Fuck whoever it was in Nevada who set the price of living this damn high, you had a empire to make to save the world. And yet you needed ample amounts of cash to even get around to doing the basics, like pay your growing number of underlings a living wage and keeping the lights on.

Soo...things like theft and the like slowly became a thing you did. You didn't steal from hard working grunts like yourself however, more like the bastards at Nexus and the like. Doc had given you more than enough information to know they wouldn't miss a few hundred thousand or three, it'd all circulate back into the system anyways!

If anything, you summarized to yourself, you were doing a good for the community by giving several dozen grunts money to spend on things and boost the livelihood of other businesses in the city.

So now here you were..breaking into a damn bank of all things in the middle of the day..or whatever time it was right now. Telling time was very hard when a certain someone murdered the sun of all goddamned things.

You had a few of your more dependable underlings along for the ride, they were hiding nearby while you got to work picking the lock to the back entrance of the building where security seemed to be the lightest. For the moment things seemed to be going rather smoothly, you had even did a bit of scouting the place out ahead of time instead of your usual antics of just running in absolutely blind and hoping for the best when the shit hit the fan.

Upon hearing the satisfying click of the lock sliding open you waved your group over and slipped inside, wedging a rock into the door to keep it over for a fast getaway..it did always pay to make sure you had a exit strategy, you learned that your first few days of trying to get your empire up and going.

Finding the vault was easy at least, they made it almost blatantly obvious in fact by the damn alarm lights and guards positioned around it. Getting in was of course going to be a hard task but thats why you brought back up.

No sooner than you sent your group in to clear the way did all hell of course break loose. The alarms began blaring while you ran to start breaking into the vault while your group defended your progress.

Minutes seemed to tick by slowly as your progress went at a snails pace, your group was thankfully holding their ground against the onslaught. You did your best to drown out the hellishly loud alarms and sounds of gunfire raging all around you until the first door opened with a satisfying groan of metal.

"Alright guys hurry up and help me start grabbing the bags, we need to get this shit to the car before the next wave arrives."

Your group wasn't faring exactly too well, but least they were all still alive and that's what counted honestly. The lot of you ran inside to start tearing open doors and dumping handfuls of cash into bags with outright manic energy.

Before long you had six bags bulging with cash and whatever else your group could get their hands on. You sent two of your group to run back to the van to drop the goods off while the rest went back out to stand guard while you got to work opening the second set of doors. You were sure things would be going smoothly from this point on, they already sent a huge chunk of officers only to lose em all in matter of a few minutes to your group.

You were fairly sure today would be a easy payday for once.

As you got to work getting the second set of doors to open up, chaos resumed as somehow to your surprise, more officers came rushing in to try and put a stop to your groups little antics.

Unable to really keep a eye on things outside like you were able to for the first set of doors, it wasn't until you cracked the seal some several stressful minutes later did something seem off, you chalked it up to the mounting stress of having to keep everyone in line and get out in one piece, which was the damn case for every mission these days...It was probably why you didn't have much money since everyone kept dying.

"Alright guys, I need two of you to help me get this back to the car, there's too much for me to do it without making several trips!" Two of your more faster teammates came running back to lend a hand getting the cash stashed away for easy transport, tiredly laughing and joking about what all they'd spend their pay on already. The others, while tired agreed to stand watch while the three of you ran the bags out. With any luck you'd all be done with plenty of time to spare to maybe even hit Gil's up for some burgers as a job well done.

As your little group tossed the first few bags into the back of the van idling beside the back entrance, a commotion lit up over your radios. The sounds of your two teammates left behind yelling in confusion and alarm before being cut rather abruptly. Giving a worried look to your two companions you tossed the rest of the loot in and made a run for the vault to see what became of the rest of your team.

As you rounded the corner your group stopped dead at the sight before you all. Your teammates were very much dead, taken out and almost smeared against the doors of the vault. And standing in front of them were two hulking figures dressed in two long coats of dusty brown and faded denim blue. Your arrival doesn't go unnoticed by the two newcomers unfortunately as the one in blue turns to look at you all.

"Well now, glad tha rest of y'all decided ta finally join us. Unfortunately for these two..they weren't much for talkin. I do hope that ain't tha same case for y'all as well or I'm jus gonna be rather put out."

The light coming off the overhead bulbs made his yellow glasses glow with an almost hostile familiarity that made your chest tighten in fear. The two of them easily had two feet and then some over you and your group, they didn't look like Gol3ms or M4gs..and that alone made the heavy sick feeling of fear in your chest grow worse with each passing second.

Seconds ticked by and the grunt in blue seemed to grin and turn to fully face you, as did the one in the brown coat. You needed to act fast before the mission turned to shit, you needed to get the money out of here..But you barely had any ammo left and you were dead certain these two weren't lightweights.

A stupid and outright foolhardy plan quickly came together. It would mean your likely death but the mission would still succeed. It just needed to work for the scant few seconds you'd need to get the ball rolling.

Good thing you carried flashbangs with you.

Tossing out two in front of the strangers you reeled back and hauled your two remaining teammates back as the grenades detonated, causing the two left behind to let out abrupt noises of confusion and alarm.

Yanking your group clear into safety you pulled them close and gave them their orders.

"We're fucked, that much is dead certain. But we can still get a payday, I'll keep em both distracted, I need you two to get in the van and floor it."

"B-but Boss we can't leave ya! That's a death sentence, you saw how fuckin built those two are you wouldn't last more than a few seconds."

"That's all we need and you're wasting it! Get going damnit, and if I'm lucky I'll meet you back at base in the infirmary with the others, now get fuckin going!"

You all but shoved them down the hall from whence you came and squared yourself for the outright asskicking you were about to receive. As you turned to head back to the vault the sounds of two pairs of boots met your ears, followed by a set of hearty laughs.

"Well now ain't that somethin? Savin yer lil teammates by givin yerself up huh? Haven't seen that inna coons age, and here I thought we'd have a slow day today Atty."

"Reckon yer right there Jeri, first time inna long while I've seen someone jus give themselves up ta save someone else..Not that it'll really stop us from doin our job here, y'all did just rob a bank in broad daylight."

The fact that they weren't straight out gunning you down made you pause..course it was probably obvious you had very little fight left in you, you were exhausted from trying to keep everyone else alive and keep the vault cracking going during active gunfire of all things.. These two could probably kill you in one hit and were just wasting time for fun.

"Yeah well....well I had no choice okay! We needed the money pretty badly. I don't care what happens now, I got what I wanted for my crew to prosper.. So whatever happens next happens."

You were fine with death, you had a damn fine medic back at base anyways that'd bring you back and put you back together again..What you weren't expecting was the two of them to give each other a odd look before grinning again at you in that oddly unnerving way.

"Well, I'll give y'all credit for stickin ta yer guns, but tha laws tha law and we gotta take ya in one way or another. So if ya come quietly with us I'll promise things will go alot smoother than havin than tha hard way."

"Jeris right darlin, no use fussin n fightin with us...Ain't no point there jus wastin yer energy. So c'mere and we'll take good care of ya, think of it as a reward for makin our day a lil easier. We tried givin yer friends tha same option but..Course they proved ta be rather stubborn n downright rude."

They acted like this was a chore they didn't feel like going through all the trouble of doing..Something about that rubbed you the wrong way and made you angry, you couldn't fight..But you damn sure could run and make their day all the more worse. You didn't owe them shit, they killed your teammates and are more than likely going to kill you, or just arrest you by the sounds of things.

And god you didn't want to waste money posting bail of all goddamn things. You pushed yourself and took off at a dead sprint out the nearby back doors without a word, the two lawmen yelling for you to stop before more than likely taking off after you.

"Hey now, get yer lil backside back here!"

"Y'all really gonna pull this hogwash after we said we'd go easy on ya?? Well now ain't that just plain rude!"

You'd laugh if you weren't sprinting away like your demise was biting at the skin of your heels, cause well it probably was knowing your luck. The streets weren't too crowded given the local law enforcement probably cleared everyone out by force leaving you plenty of open space to try and find a route those two massive bastards couldn't follow you through.

Ducking a sharp left and nearly falling into the alley you were trying to slip through, you nearly let out a scream seeing just how damn close they were. They had easily closed the gap between you and were damn near a hands breath away from just grabbing at you, the one in blue saw your panicked glance and grinned as he tried to swipe at you.

"What're ya lookin spooked for? Y'all should know what ya signed up for sugar! Not lettin ya get away that easy now, gotta do better than that ta shake tha likes of us~"

He didn't even sound fucking winded, it almost sounded like he was having fun running you down..Oh god you really had to get away now, you didn't want either of them getting ahold of you. You'd have to think fast before you ran out of energy.

What you didn't expect was the turn in the alleyway leading into a abrupt end, almost smacking headlong into the smooth two story wall in front of you. You felt your stomach drop into your feet after a moment when two sets of laughter broke you from your thoughts.

"Was wonderin why ya took this turn..Guess ya didn't know it ended in a dead-end? Y'all did try, I'll give ya credit.. Been a while since I had a bit of fun, doncha agree Jeri?"

"I agree Atty, our lil friend here moves bout as quick as a jackrabbit in a greased skillet! Too bad tha fun ended a lil too soon, was enjoyin it."

As they talked they closed the gap slowly, leaving you pinned against the wall trying to think of a last minute escape plan....and coming up short sans just trying to make a break for it between them. Not wanting to be cornered and starting to panic about what was to come you tried it anyways.

You only managed to get three steps past them both before you felt yourself being abruptly grabbed and wrenched back off your feet. The outright suddenness of it pulled a shocked gasp out of you as you were hauled back to stumble and stand between the two lawmen against your own will.

"Just can't accept that yer done runnin can ya? Well if I were y'all I'd save that fightin energy for later. Now, gotta figure out who's gonna take ya in. Since I spotted ya first I think tha credit should go ta me."

"Aw now wait just a second there Jeri, that ain't what I remember agreein ta."

Atty, the one in brown stepped closer to argue with who you knew was Jeri, unfortunately for you that left you now very much caught literally between them both. You found out that both brothers had a bit of a sizeable belly, leaving you to be squished between them as you tried to wiggle free. Though try as you could, one of the brothers had a hold on your arm and kept you rooted to the spot as you more or less felt the argument than heard at this point.

The two of them seemed intent on arguing circles around each other while you struggled uselessly to worm your way out somehow, the two of them were like walking heaters and it was getting hard to focus. Hell it felt like the longer you stayed stuck between them both the deeper you sank between them, you tried to get either ones attention in hopes of getting free.

Minutes ticked by and you were very much sure by now they were deliberately ignoring you while they talked, you had even started flailing your legs a bit to maybe get something to happen. When you tried to maybe push yourself did you realize something was wrong.

You couldn't feel the ground any more, not only that but the hand holding your arm felt somehow alot more bigger. Being trapped between them you couldn't see for sure but this was starting to freak you out something bad. Pulling your one free arm close to your chest, you tried to push out to free your head at least so you could get a look around.

Wriggling around a bit you managed to force the damn walls of flesh pinning you between them apart to see what the hell they were doing, or just to yell at them when what greeted you made you pause in disbelief.

They towered over you, more so than you remember them doing what, five minutes ago?? You felt yourself reeling for a moment trying to make sense of this, how the hell did they get bigger?? Your voice only came out in a shocked and embarrassingly quiet squeak of surprise, which of course got both of their attentions.

Gold and yellow lenses tilted down to get a look at you before their owners grinned mischievously.

"Ya need somethin down there darlin? Ya look a bit outta sorts down there."

"Don't look like yer havin fun down there though sugar. Maybe we should wrap things up ay Atty?"

As they talked you felt something weird..like your body was shifting ever so slightly despite you being stock still. At least until a noise coming from the one called Jeri's stomach grumbled out against you loudly, causing both of them to look back up at one another.

"Damn Jeri, when's tha last time ya got anythin ta eat? Must be starvin if yer guts makin that much noise."

"Guess it slipped my mind till now Atty, but yer right I should probably eat somethin here right soon."

As they talked, your world shifted even more so as you both felt and saw yourself being pulled free from between the two lawmen..only things were very much wrong now and it turns out your eyes weren't playing tricks on you.

Both Jeri and Atty looked so much more bigger than before simply because you had shrunk. Jeri was wrapping his large fingers around you as he shifted to bring you up to his smiling face. Your stomach had probably hit the core of the earth by now by how goddamned panicked and worried you were feeling now.

"Aw what's that look for sugar? Y'all scared of lil ol'e me or somethin? Heh, just relax yer in good hands~"

The fact that you were no bigger than some doll being held hostage in his massive hand made you glare at him for the stupid joke, which made him snort and laugh lightly in response.

"Sorry couldn't resist a lil jokin, tryin ta lighten tha mood yea? Ya look damn near ready ta faint on me here from fright alone."

"Might be cause of that spooky ass grin ya keep levelin their way ya damn goofball. C'mon Jeri, ain't no one tell ya it's impolite ta play round with yer food?"

"I know I know, just not lookin forward ta writin up tha damn damage reports for todays lil incident. Made off with more than 10k and then some didn'tcha?"

He gave you a half hearted glare before another loud grumble came from his midsection once more..a slow rising dread listening to them both made its way into your chest. The whole food comment now starting to take a darker meaning in the back of your head.

"...You-you can't be serious..You're taking me back to jail right? Why shrink me, what's going on?"

"Y'all haven't put it together have ya sugar? Well nothin's a better teacher than first hand experience right? Just gotta take care of one lil detail first."

Large warm fingers grabbed ahold of your legs one by one and you felt Jeri slip off your shoes of all things, the reality of your current situation was finally kicking in and you began to thrash and kick at him wildly.

"Aw now simmer down sugar, ain't no point ta try fightin now, y'all already lost this lil battle. Just calm down n let me do what I do best, promise I'll even be real gentle with ya."

You couldn't get his fingers to budge even a inch with how hard you tried to fight, his grip was like steel around you even if it didn't hurt you in the slightest. Regardless you were still scared shitless at what he had planned for you.

You felt the hand holding you shift close to Jeris face as he raised you higher still to hang over his now wide open mouth, lips curled into a easygoing smile as he caught your stare.

"Been fun sweetheart, but a mans gotta eat afterall. Try n behave a lil better n we might not have ta meet like this again next time yeah?"

Feet dangling over his awaiting abyss of a mouth you were left speechless, this couldn't be happening, this shouldn't be happening. Your brain was shutting down from the shock until you felt the shocking warmth of what awaited you envelop your legs eagerly.

Watching yourself being slipped between grinning jaws and doing nothing at all to stop it aside from a soft pitiful wailing noise. A noise that rose several octaves as you abruptly felt the hand holding you simply let you go to freefall the rest of the way inside. Your back met with the warm wet flesh inside, you snapped your head up just in time to see the outside world vanish as the jaws surrounding you clicked shut, locking you inside for good.

You were inside someones mouth, it was humid and cramped but you began to thrash and yell to be let back out. Death wasn't a new subject for any Nevadean, but being eaten alive wasn't something you wanted to experience. The bastard who had you tucked away behind his teeth hummed gently around you and began to toss and turn you about, like you were nothing but a piece of food to savor.

There wasn't room for you to do anything, you were at his mercy and unfortunately it seemed like he only wanted one thing from you. Your hellish experience was only about to grow worse as you felt your prison tilt back once more and felt yourself sliding downwards as your legs were gripped tightly and pulled into Jeri's throat. It was going too fast, you didn't want any of this but it seemed your captor was all to eager to get you where he wanted you, another long gulp or two and you were slipping down his throat with ease. Before you could even come to terms with it you were being dumped into his stomach, landing on your back in the dark amongst walls of squishy flesh.

You were trying not to hyperventilate when a voice rang out all around you amongst the other bodily noises.

"Hope yer cell's comfy, gotta admit ya didn't taste half bad! Would of liked ta enjoy ya a bit longer but I'm on tha clock sadly. Gotta put business ahead of pleasure ya understand. Thanks for bein sucha lovely lil treat, makes up a lil bit for tha ruckus y'all caused."

You wanted to scream, to cry, to do anything other than lay here inside of someone elses goddamn stomach of all things. Your new prison began to gently sway, they were likely heading back to the bank now that you were taken care of. You could almost make out what the two of them were saying over the rushing of blood in your ears.

Jericho couldn't help but feel a little bit bad but he was a lawman afterall and you definitely were a dang criminal. You looked scared witless, must of been your first time getting put away in that kinda manner, he'd make it up to you the only way him and his brother could. The thought did bring a smile to his face a bit more, if things worked out you'd understand as well before long.

---

You weren't sure how much time had passed while trapped in here, you had already gone through all the stages of grief it felt like. The tears had long ago stopped as you exhausted yourself trying to fight and figure a way back up to freedom. You quickly found out nothing worked, and served to only amuse your captor who laughed and commented now and again on your "fighting spirit being cute".

So you opted to lay in the dark and hope whatever happened next wouldn't be too painful. So far the only thing of note you could notice was that you felt utterly exhausted and every bit of you felt weirdly tingly. Like the static you felt when a limb had fallen asleep, only it covered every inch of you and made the exhaustion worse by tenfold. Deciding sleep might be the only escape you had left, you felt yourself drifting off before your tired mind could finish processing the thought.

Jericho paused for a moment in the middle of his workload to let out a soft burp or two, hand going to his midsection where you had long decided to go still and accept what was going to happen. A much softer smile spread over his face for a moment before going back to work once more.

---

Dying was a little different each time, the weird interm before you "woke up" back in the cloning vats back at base different for you and everyone else. Sometimes you'd just wake up immediately with a gasp of fresh air, Skinner somewhere nearby ready to help you to your feet. Others it felt like you were being pulled up from some deep trench, still muddled and caught between life and death. Those rare times were the worse..taking you hours till you felt stable and completely alive again. Doc had said it was due to your imprinting sometimes acting weird and it would happen from time to time.

But this time was..much different. You felt warm, comfortably warm and relaxed oddly. Like getting into a freshly clean bed after a nice hot shower almost kind of warm but it permeated every last cell of you. If you had a face wherever this was it'd be red as something else accompanied the warmth. It felt like...adoration, like pure love and joy at seeing someone. You felt like you were being scooped up and pulled into the perfect hug by someone you hadn't seen in ages..someone you missed but never knew at the same time. It overwhelmed you entirely, can you cry here?? It felt like something you so desperately needed and yearned for but couldn't put into actual words..It simply was love in every form somehow at once.

You woke up and it felt like it was all too soon somehow. Tears were gently flowing down your face, worrying Skinner and the few workers he had lending him a hand..You told them you were fine, just feeling a bit odd. Skinner looked at you and your readings before nodding and tsking gently.

"Well your readings are saying you have twice the regular dosage of dopamine going through your system right now..I'm not sure how but something like that is quite unusual! Especially from just waking up, perhaps some rest and warm food will help regulate your system a bit better. If you continue to feel a bit off from your normal state come see me as soon as possible and we'll run a few tests."

Nodding weakly you wandered off to your private quarters in a mild daze, until two of your teammates all but ran you over.

"BOSS, boss there you are! Glad to see you back in one piece, we got some intel about those two big bastards that got you and the others today."

"Yeah? What's that then, what didja get?"

"They're both lawmen, twins in fact..They're named Jericho and Atticus..they're like..the top enforcers of PrivSec. So no wonder we all got our asses handed to us if they sent their heavy hitters to clear things out."

Looking at the few sheets of paper being held out to you, you saw two very familiar faces grinning back at you..Well the name Jeri made a bit more sense..You gave em a nod and took the papers.

"Next time we try that damn bank again, we're gonna have to bring better guns..if we ever decide to try robbing a damn bank again."

Something told you even if you decided to play it safe, those two damn cowboys would be showing up again...You had a few damn questions for them anyways. But for now..you needed some sleep to sort your head out. And maybe to try and remember what you felt again before waking up.

[marybeatriceofmodena]

TFW when you try to do Anastasia but you also suck at your job: A Master Class by The Rise of Skywalker

Okay. So, I promised you guys a TROS review, and it’s coming, I promise… except I’ll be making two “spin-off posts” about specific issues just in order to clear up some stuff, mainly because in my mind, those issues are important.

First post is going to be, of course, about Rey’s parentage.

So. After TFA, it would have been possible for Rey to have been the kid of “someone”. However, TLJ made it impossible to do so, unless you’d have some serious, bullshit retconning going on – which is exactly what happened.

I know this is a VERY controversial thing to say at this point, but post-TFA, Rey Palpatine “could” have been possible. Okay, maybe not have her be Palpatine’s granddaughter, but more of a descendant of his.

This said, I “tried” making an origin story for Rey Palpatine that “works” for the purposes of this meta, on a hypothetical basis, while making it consistent with canon (something JJ Abrams and Chris Terrio clearly couldn’t be bothered to do, LMAO). I had plotholes no matter what. I do think I could have eventually found something with a little bit of brainstorming, but truth is, IT’S HARD, and a lot of exposition would have been for novels/comics only.

From a thematic perspective, though? It wouldn’t have been a bad idea. For this to work, though, you would have needed to go on full-blown Romeo and Juliet mode with sprinkles of Anastasia, though. I mean, The Lion King 2 did something similar, so why the fuck not. Because, yeah, Ben Solo, the grandson of Darth Vader, son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, the last prince of Alderaan, who falls in love with the last Imperial princess Rey Palpatine while they’re on opposite sides of the war but not the ones you’d think of is the stuff of fairy tales and star-crossed romances, except this one would have a happy ending and brought peace to the galaxy.

Truth be told, I still really enjoy fanfics who go for that story and find a way to make it work in canonverse or in AUs – because it’s genuinely fun. But in canon itself, as I point out earlier… it’s not easy.

So, we have Rian Johnson who said he made a list of potential origins for Rey while he was working on TLJ’s script. You bet Rey Palpatine was on that list. However, he came to the conclusion that Rey Nobody was the best way to go, and whatdyaknow, he made the right call.

Why? Rey Nobody requires minimal exposition. Storytelling-wise, you don’t have a lot of brainstorming to do, and it’s easy to have Ben revealing it, and easy to present it as a repressed memory of Rey’s. On a thematic level, that puts Rey on the same level as Jane Eyre or the main character from Rebecca: she’s a nobody from nowhere who is thrown into a family drama, and since she’s the glitch in the matrix, she must stop the story from becoming a tragedy.

See? Simple. You got your easy exposition, you got your thematic coherence, and you got the literary call-backs.

So, JJ and Terrio decided to retcon this shit because, as they said, they thought it was boring. I think Colin Trevorrow probably thought it was boring too, because I have my reasons to think a lot of TROS is from him (but more on that in my main review). But thing is, it’s not it’s “boring”, it’s literally that they didn’t know what the fuck to do with Rey. No, more than that, they don’t understand her, and frankly, they can’t be bothered to do so. She’s an empty vessel they can toy with at their ease, and in the process, turn her in a Mary-Sue. Because yes, TROS!Rey was a Mary-Sue, whereas TFA/TLJ!Rey was not. So, what I say above regarding Rey might be a bomb for some, considering how people are (understandably) defensive when it comes to that statement. I promise I will elaborate more about it in the main review, once again.

So, with the lineage aspect addressed, it’s time to talk about Rey’s parents themselves.

It’s hilarious how HARD JJ and Terrio tried to make Kylo’s explanation work – because as much as they butchered the shit out of him, they said: “Well he’s a bad liar, right? Gotta keep that in mind.”

Although, I don’t think it was a case of them being concerned with Kylo’s characterization – they’re not that graceful. They had to figure out QUICK why the hell Kylo wouldn’t have known Rey was a Palpatine from the get-go, because the Force is a great DNA test and shit, and I guess that’s how Palps located Ben’s Mighty Skywalker Blood™. Except that still doesn’t work because Palps couldn’t even locate his own goddamn granddaughter, but I digress.

Seriously, why would Kylo lie to Rey about her being a nobody instead of her being a Palpatine? It makes no sense, because if you’re going to roll with the theory Kylo just wants UNLIMITED POWAH, the Palpatine princess is not only a great asset (since marrying her legitimizes your claim to the throne in the eyes of the Imperial Remnants, I mean, that’s literally why Henry VII married Elizabeth of York), it’s also the one argument she needs to hear in order to sway her to your side. So I guess JJ and Terrio’s one shared brain cell kinda flicked a bit at that moment.

This said, getting the Palpatine princess on his side is clearly Kylo’s intention in TROS (which, again, makes no sense with what was set up in TLJ but that’s something I’m keeping for another post), except they trip all over themselves by having Kylo say he didn’t lie to Rey in TLJ. Except…

So, what Ben said in TLJ was the following:

Her parents sold her for drinking money.

They’re dead and buried in a pauper’s grave somewhere on Jakku.

Rey is related to no one.

Here’s what Ben reveals to Rey in TROS:

Her parents sold her for her protection.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle (nah, for real: the actress who plays Rey’s mom is Jodie Comer).

So, um, yeah, it’s the EXACT opposite of what Ben said in TLJ. Just say Palps was fucking with Ben’s mind-reading or Rey’s memories instead, JJ. Not that “Oh Ben was telling the truth, but he didn’t have the whole story”, because that’s not it.

For the latter, once again, it would have been feasible: the one thing, for me, that was possible to be added was that Rey had killed her parents accidentally, by having their ship to leave Jakku crash down with the Force: that’s what made her Force powers go dormant for all those years and provoked her trauma. It would also make sense that Ben would willfully not bring that back to her memories, because she’d understandably not be able to cope with the truth, which is often what happens to a lot of trauma victims. THAT was the theory I had pre-TROS, because that’s the only answer I could come up with when it came to JJ saying that there was more to Rey’s past. I guess I expected JJ to be, like, actually able to write, lmao.

I even wonder if that was actually in the cards, considering we see Rey in TROS bringing down a transport that supposedly has Chewie in it… but I guess they deemed that to be “too dark” for their heroine. Except the bullshit that comes instead is actually… much worse.

To make things simple, I’ll just take the above points and develop them.

Rey’s parents sold her for her protection.

Okay, so, Rey’s parents need to hide her to make sure Palps doesn’t get his hands on her. Fair enough. This said, why did it have to be Jakku and not, like, ANYWHERE ELSE? Especially that Palpatine had interest in Jakku at some point and that maybe having Rey anywhere close to that place would not be a good idea?

But let’s play the game and say that Jakku is the only place they can hide her because… I don’t know, it’s hard to find someone there with the Force. Whatever. Even then, why the fuck would they think Unkar Plutt is a proper guardian for a tiny little girl? You know they could have walked a few miles more and found a nice old man who likes the Light Side of the Force and the Jedi and all that shit called Lor San Tekka? Hey, why not even try to find a guy like Luke Skywalker who’s like, a Jedi and shit, and have him take care of their little girl and protect her? 

Even then, why the hell doesn’t Rey’s mom stay with her daughter? Her husband is the Palpatine, not her. All Rey’s mom has to do is find a nicer hiding place for her and Rey somewhere on Jakku, like, not Niima Outpost (again, Tuanul is just a few miles away), and just let Dad hide somewhere else. He’s a grownass man, he can take care of himself and he just has to hide on Nar Shaadaa or some shit. Fuck, why don’t all three of them hide on Nar Shaadaa? Or in the Coruscant undercity? ANYWHERE ELSE?

Also, wouldn’t Plutt clearly see two desperate parents as a business opportunity? Like, if you want to do a Les Misérables comparison here, he wouldn’t “buy” Rey from them, he’d try to get money for them à la Thénardier with Fantine. Except Rey’s parents make Fantine look like frigging Einstein because at least she had the excuse of thinking Madame Thénardier would take good care of Cosette since Éponine and Azelma seemed well-cared for.  

Again, a creepy-looking alien who exploits the outpost’s inhabitants for portions in exchange for junk, who asks you to pay him to take care of your kid should be a big fucking red flag – unless you want to involve blackmail, but that’s a whole other can of worms.

Seriously, why the hell would Rey’s parents even ACCEPT money that comes from selling their own child? Were they really that desperate? Fuck, even if I had no other way of getting off Jakku, I wouldn’t even THINK of using money that comes from selling my own child. Any parent who’d even CONSIDER doing that is automatically a godawful parent in my book. Shame on you. And shame on JJ for trying to make me buy them as saints, because THEY’RE NOT, JUST BY THAT SINGLE ACTION.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

I didn’t notice it until Jenny Nicholson pointed it out in her TROS review, because it SOMEHOW completely escaped my notice, but… Rey’s mom saying Rey is DEFINITELY NOT on Jakku is like the worst fucking lie I’ve ever seen in a film because it’s so hilariously bad. Congratulations, Space Villanelle, may you be forever remembered for this line.

Also, it’s stupid af that Oshi (that’s his name, right? Can’t be bothered to Google it, might just call him Barney the Bounty Hunter from now on) just kills Rey’s parents, because HE’S EVUL MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, because he literally creates a dead end for himself. He still has no fucking clue where Rey is, and he just killed off his only leads. CONGRATULATIONS BARNEY THE BOUNTY HUNTER, YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle.

So, Rey’s dad looks like he’s in his early thirties at most, right? Maybe a little younger than Luke and Leia, then. So, unless he got frozen in carbonite at some point, that means Palpatine fucked at some point while looking like this:

Anyway, I sure hope Sly Moore was Grandma Palpatine because she’s pretty much the only person who’d be game to smash raisin ass. Which leaves me with extremely disturbing pictures of Palps and Sly having sex, so I’ll spare you the more graphic details of my twisted mind that’s screaming for an end to this misery. 

I sure hope having Rey’s mom as Jodie Comer isn’t a clue that we’ll get spin-offs with those two (GOD PLEASE NO), but while I crack jokes about how Rey’s mom is Villanelle and Palpadad kinda looks like Ramsay Bolton… I find it fucking hilarious they dressed Rey’s mom in BLUE. LIKE, SEE? SEE? SHE’S IN BLUE, LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY, BECAUSE REY IS SPACE JESUS!!!! GET IT??? GETIT???? PLEASE TELL ME YA GET IT, OKAY???? *gross sobbing* I knew we should have had Rey born in a manger, that would have made the artistic intentions clear *wipes tear*

All right. There’s a lot more that could be said about Rey’s lineage, but I’m keeping that for my main review because what’s left to say ties up to the bigger picture. What I tried to point out with this preliminary post is that while Rey Palpatine *could* have worked, in different circumstances, it couldn’t have had post-TLJ… and we’re left to see a mutilated horse who was dead on arrival. And that’s tragic.