#that my dad and stepmom trying to help me and urging me to discuss with trainers how the trainers will support me if something is hard

[teabookgremlin]

really hate that any time someone seems slightly upset with me i cry

[collecting-stories]

Blue Lagoon - ep. 01 - Rafe Cameron

Summary: Ward announces a family vacation while being the absolute worst and you meet Rafe for the first time. 

A/N: Can’t believe I’m making a Rafe series...super nervous about this one. If you like the first chapter and wanna be tagged let me know! (Also, all the chapters are named after beach cocktails). This is a re-write of Chapter 1!

Holiday in the Sun Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

Thirteen had been a tragic year. The year of braces and that terrible hair cut that could only be described as the love child of a bowl cut and a mullet. Your best friend had taken scissors to your hair and you had regretted it ever since. It was the year of hoodies and basketball shorts and more layers than Billie Eilish. The year you fell and busted up your face so bad that you suffered through vacation with a bruise the size of Texas on your jaw. The year all your friends caught up to you but you were still taller and your boobs were still bigger and you still felt more awkward. 

The worst thing about thirteen though, had been the vacation. It was the first time your mom had decided to do a joint vacation to the Bahamas over break. You were thirteen and an absolute tragic mess and already so embarrassed just by your existence and then she flew you to the Bahamas to spend Christmas with the Camerons. 

And if Rafe wasn’t already so attractive and beautifully self-assured; fifteen and already tall and funny and you felt arguably worse about yourself in comparison to him and his sister. But especially him. And part of that was entirely because he’d been so nice. You were fully prepared for him to treat you like every other kid at your school treated you but he didn’t. He was so nice to you and you’d spent a vacation that you thought was going to be horrible having an incredible time. 

But that was the last of the joint family vacations, your mom focusing her time on her new job once you’d gotten home, so you were surprised when she proposed the idea again your junior year of high school. 

“The Bahamas?” 

“Over Christmas...with the Cameron’s.” Your mom replied, barely looking up from her notepad. 

“Oh uh, okay,” there wasn’t much else you could say. She wasn’t about it accept a no from you and yeah, the last trip had been fun, but that nervous insecurity ate away at you from the moment she mentioned it. 

You certainly weren’t the tragic thirteen-year-old mess that you had been back then, and maybe that should have inspired some confidence but instead you were just nervous. If you had gotten arguably better than what did Rafe look like? Probably even more gorgeous than he’d been before. One of your friends suggested trying to find him on instagram but you didn’t need any more anxiety pre-vacation so you avoided the possibility of seeing him before you really saw him at all.  

-

It was Rose who first suggested the little change of scenery for the New Year. Winter break was fast approaching and Ward was at the end of his rope with his oldest and Rose, in an ill-fated attempt to make his exhaustion work for her, mentioned the house in Nassau. Late at night, while Ward sat in his office trying to calm his nerves with a bottle of scotch. He’d been woken by a call from Peterkin that Rafe had been arrested, the third time in two months, for driving under the influence. He didn’t ask what his son was under the influence of and he almost left him in lockup for the night but he got dressed, picked him up, and drove him home in silence. Something had to change and then Rose broached the topic of a vacation. Of course it came with a catch, as everything with Rose seemed to do.  

“Dad,” Sarah groaned, looking up from her homework when he announced the trip over breakfast the next morning. “you can’t be serious?”

Ward had come down to breakfast, calling Rafe into the kitchen where Sarah and Wheezie were already eating. He didn’t hate Rose’s idea, even the part of it that benefitted her need to show off, and he decided not to waste time telling his kids the news.  

“As a heart attack Sarah.” He replied. “It’s been a busy year and I think this is exactly the kind of family trip we all need right now. Take some time away from the island and our,” he looked across the room at Rafe disdainfully, “more objectionable pastimes.”

“It was one DUI.” Rafe said, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He was still a little hungover from the night before and the weed he’d just been smoking had his eyes bloodshot. He would’ve really loved to get some sleep but just as he was starting to doze off Ward was banging on his bedroom door.  

“And it would’ve been your third if Peterkin didn’t owe me a favor. I’ve only got so much clout Rafe, I can’t keep bailing you out every time you decide to do something reckless. Your choices-”

“Reflect the family.” Rafe replied, “I know.”  

“Then you’ll know this isn’t up for discussion. We’re going to Nassau in a week.”

All of them missed Wheezie’s groan as she laid her head in her hands. The silent onlooker to her family’s revolving door of drama, Wheezie’s role was that of mediator, instigator, and observer, but she wasn’t granted the privilege of an opinion.

“I’m supposed to go to the Keys with Scarlett!” Sarah mentioned, as if it mattered, “why do we all have to be punished just because Rafe screwed up?”

“I didn’t screw up Sarah, I was barely drunk. Shoupe was just trying to give me a hard time.”

“Oh, of course, our mistake.” Ward replied, “the world is out to get you. Do you know where your classmates are right now? In college. Yale, Harvard, Duke, even NCS...and where are you? That’s right, sitting at home every day, smoking weed, wasting my money.”

“I said I’d do some work for you.”  

“Because this is what I want representing my company? You can’t even get out of bed before three in the afternoon most days.” Ward snapped, “take this vacation as an olive branch. And when we get back start thinking about what you want your life to look like because any more ‘wrong turns’ and you can forget the nice stuff and the free room and the bailouts.”

“Dad!”

“That’s not fair to me and Wheezie!” Sarah piped up, repeating her earlier argument, “why are we being punished?”

“Don’t rope me into this.” Wheezie commented. She wasn’t going down with this ship. At least not yet.  

“I hardly think a week in the Bahamas is a punishment Sarah.” Ward replied, “now, is it possible to get through this without any other objections?”

“Can I invite Topper?” Sarah asked, “you said Rose’s friend is coming with her daughhter so I don’t see why I can’t invited someone.”

“Rose’s friend?” Rafe asked, looking up from his phone.  

“Yes. We’ve been on vacation with them before. You remember? He daughter is a year older than Sarah I think.”  

“Yeah,” he nodded, the slightest smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth.  

“Can I invite a friend?” Wheezie asked.

“No.” Ward said.  

“If Sarah gets to bring someone why can’t I? That’s not fair!”  

“I’m done with the arguments and backtalk. We’re leaving in a week. If Dr. Thornton says Topper can come, he can come. But I’m not a babysitting service for you and your friends Wheezie.”  

“Sarah always gets to-”

“Louisa!” Ward snapped, hand hitting the marble countertop. Sarah’s eyes went wide and Rafe looked up from his phone, standing up a little straighter at the notable anger in his father’s voice.

“Sorry.” Wheezie shrunk down in her seat, looking away from her dad.

“Now, do you think it’s possible that we can all get through this without any more arguments? We leave on Sunday. Since I have actual work to do, unlike any of children,” Ward said, looking over at Rafe, “I’ll be in my office.”

All three of them stayed put as they listened to their dad’s footsteps as he headed upstairs to his office. Sarah got up from the table, grabbing her phone and heading outside to call Topper while Wheezie still sat there looking close to tears for being yelled at.  

Rafe put his phone down on the counter and crossed the kitchen, putting his hand on his sister’s back and rubbing small circles. “Hey, no worries, okay? I’ll hang out with you on the trip.”

“You’ll just off with Topper and Sarah and I’ll be stuck with Rose while she day drinks.” Wheezie muttered, rubbing at her eyes.

“I promise Wheez, I won’t ditch you.”

“Okay,” she looked up at him, holding her hand out, pinky extended, “pinky promise?”

“Yeah, pinky promise.”

-

The week went by faster than any of them wanted it to, Sunday creeping up too soon. Trips to Nassau were usually staggered. Ward might go with Rose, or Rafe and Sarah went with friends or Ward took Wheezie, but they never went altogether. A family vacation hadn’t happened in almost four years.

Rafe could remember the last trip. Sarah had brought Scarlett because, once again, she was their father’s favorite child. Ward told Wheezie she couldn’t bring someone, pretending that she was too young but Sarah had been twelve and she’d been allowed to bring someone. Scarlett was a nightmare on vacation and an absolute bitch to you, Rose’s best friend’s daughter. Rafe had spent most of his time with you just to avoid his sister and Scarlett but he’d actually had a great time. Probably the last great time he had sober.  

On Sunday morning he stood at the back of the SUV, helping his dad load it up for the drive to airstrip.  

“Alright, do we have everything we need to go?” Ward asked, looking toward the house as Rose came out with her biggest suitcase rolling alongside her. “Rose, it’s a week for godsake.”

Sarah leaned out the window at her stepmom before sharing a look with Rafe, rolling her eyes. Rose caught the look and frowned. “Sorry all my clothes aren’t the size of Malibu Barbie and require a little extra space.” She said, glaring at Sarah.

“Here we go!” Sarah swore.

Ward took a deep breath, “just get in the car. Please.” He passed the suitcase to Rafe before following his wife around the side of the car, “and Sarah, behave.”

“Are you kidding me? She literally started it. I said nothing.”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”  

Sarah groaned, sitting back in her seat, “this is the stupidest vacation, why do we all have to go?”

“Sarah!” Ward shouted, “not another word! Some of you are lucky that we’re all going since you certainly don’t deserve a nice vacation.”

Rafe shut the door as he climbed in the backseat beside Wheezie, “am I supposed to say thank you?” It didn’t surprise him that somehow his dad yelling at Sarah had turned into his dad taking a dig at him.  

“It’s beyond my comprehension how I managed to raise such incredibly spoiled, ungrateful children.”  

“Sorry dad,” Sarah muttered.  

“Well I won’t wait for the other two apologies.” He said, looking in the rearview mirror at them. Wheezie had her airpods in, staring down at her phone, “this one probably can’t even hear me.”

Rafe nudged his youngest sister and she looked up, “huh, what?” She took one headphone out and looked around the car but Ward had already changed the subject.

“Is Topper meeting us at the airstrip or am I supposed to be picking him up?”  

“He said he would meet us.” Sarah replied, slumping in her seat as they backed out of the driveway and headed to the airstrip.  

“You know Sarah,” Ward mentioned, always happy for an opportunity to dig for a dig at Rafe’s expense where he could find one, “I really do like this young man. He’s very responsible. It’s a shame my own son couldn’t be so disciplined and mature.”  

“This is gonna be a great vacation dad, you were right.” Rafe piped up.

“You can save the snark Rafe.”

The only thing quieter than the rest of the drive to the airstrip was the flight to Nassau. Quiet and awkward, so much so that Topper spent the entire trip too tensed to even move, aside from his knee bobbing uncontrollably. None of the Cameron kids seemed to notice the unease or they were all so adapted to it that it didn’t seem to affect them.  

Ward had eased up on the commentary and Rafe was silent, hoping he wouldn’t have to listen to anymore of his father’s opinions if he just stayed quiet. He knew that wasn’t the case but it was working so far. Rose was too engrossed in her phone to bothered with any of them, Sarah and Wheezie taking up similar approaches to the flight.

-

“You know we could be taking a private plane to like, Paris or something right now? Wouldn’t that be kind of incredible?” You asked, reaching for one of the bagels that your stepdad had laid out on the table.  

“The Bahamas are equally incredible,” Your mom piped up, smacking your hand and making you drop the bagel, “eat some fruit, you look bloated.”

“I’m not bloated mom.”  

“Well, you're either bloated or pregnant and let’s not hope it’s the latter.” She snarked, pushing the bowl of fruit closer.  

“Thanks mom.” You rolled your eyes, “and thanks so much for this vacation when I was supposed to be in Ptown with Ben.”  

“Ptown’s not going anywhere.” She replied. “Try to be positive, remember what Dr. Nygaard said, try not to decide the outcome of an event before it happens.”

“Thanks for that inspirational advice,” you said, “you should get it printed on a t-shirt.”

Your mom had announced the trip not three days after you had committed to going to Provincetown with friends for Christmas. You’d paid for a fifth of the house that your friend group was renting for the week only for your mom to announce that you had to cancel. Rose had invited her (and you and your stepdad) to the Cameron’s Nassau house and she had accepted, effectively canceling any plans that you had. There was no chance of arguing the point with her, if she said you were going then you were going. And to be fair, part of you kind of wanted to go, just for the opportunity to see Rafe. Though it was for that same reason that you were really dreading the chance to go to.  

-

The Cameron’s landed at the airstrip in Nassau an hour after your family had already arrived and your mom had taken the liberty of renting two SUVs for the week. When Ward did land, Wheezie pressed her face to the window, looking out at the private port. “Who is that?” She asked, not recognizing Rose’s friend or her family.  

“My friend LeAnn, you remember we went to Nassau with them last time.” Rose replied.  

Your mom nudged you, a silent jab meant to tell you to turn your phone off. You were only making yourself more depressed anyway, seeing that your friends were having a great time while you were stuck on a family vacation.  

Rose waved as she exited the plane and your mom waved back enthusiastically. “LeAnn, I’m so happy you could make it!”  

“Thank you for inviting us,” your mom said, hugging Rose before looking to Ward, “we always talked about vacationing together again, I’m so glad it finally worked out.”

“Oh me too,” He replied though it sounded half-hearted.  

“It’s so beautiful here.” LeAnn said, looking around as if she hadn’t had the opportunity to before, “didn’t I tell you how nice it would be?” She asked you.

“Yeah, it’s super warm here.” You made a point of moving your hand up to block the sun, squinting behind your sunglasses and scrunching your nose.

“Don’t mind her, she was going to spend her vacation in with friends but she’ll get over it.” LeAnn said, excusing your behavior.

The rest of the family, Rafe, Sarah, Topper, and Wheezie, caught up with Ward and Rose, bags in hand and ready to get to the house. Wheezie avoided introductions, a quick wave before she headed straight to the second car, putting her airpods back in as she did. Rose ignored her daughter, going through a round of introductions anyway, as if you had all completely forgotten each other. As she pointed to Rafe you looked up from your phone, your eyes meeting his. Four years since your seen him and that same familiar pull in your stomach was still there when he smiled, like butterflies erupting. It lasted only a second as your mom spoke up and you turned to look at her.  

“I can’t believe how old you both are now! And Wheezie, the last time I saw you all you were just kids.”

“Well it’s been four years mom.” You pointed out.

“I know how long it’s been.” She said, glaring at you. “I guess we’ll see you all back at the house right?”

As everyone piled into their respective cars, your stepdad offered up the backseat if anyone wanted, noting that they had four people to get in the back of their car and your family only had you. Rafe looked at the back seat as Sarah climbed in, bag still in his hand as he slowly stepped away from the car.

“If you don’t mind?” He said, catching your attention.

You stopped what you were doing, hand hovering over your bag as you stood there at the open trunk, your stepdad answering Rafe, “not at all, hop in.”

He nodded, coming around the back of the SUV and putting his bag in the back. You were still standing there, practically frozen as you followed the motion of his bag getting tossed in the trunk as he turned to you, “need help?”

“I can lift a bag, promise.”

“I mean, last time-”  

“The latch wasn’t on my suitcase last time!” You laughed, “I can’t believe you remember that, that was so embarrassing.” You had been lifting your suitcase onto the cart at the hotel last time you were here and dropped it on the ground, the latch popping and spilling your clothes and belongings everywhere. The worst of it being Rafe picking up the stuffed dog that you had brought with you. “I did bring Wilbur though,” you said, just to get a laugh.  

It worked, Rafe shaking his head at you as he put your bag in and shut the trunk door. You followed him around to the backseat and he let you get in first, sitting so close to you that his thigh touched yours. It was unnecessary, since there was plenty of room with just the two of you, but he acted like he didn’t even realize it.  

“Sorry you had to give up vacation just to come here.” He whispered, turning to look at you.

“And miss the opportunity to hang out with you for a week?” You asked, grinning.

-

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[swiftsuburbanlegends]

On the brink

the Queen family discuss Oliver once again taking over the Green Arrow mantle after William finds out his dad lied to him.

“William,” Oliver called from the living room. “Can you come in here a sec?”

He could feel his fingers rubbing together in rapid succession by his side. He hadn’t felt this nervous in a while. Probably not since Felicity had said no to his proposal. 

But this was a different kind of nerves. This was coming cleaning after months of lies. This was the prospect of looking someone you love in the eye and waiting in anxious stupor for them to either accept or condemn you. Oliver had experience with both. He knew which look to wait for. Which one would bring his world crashing down and which would stitch him up again. He didn’t know what look his son would give him when he heard the truth.

Felicity reached out, steadying the twitch of his fingers with her own. “You need to relax.”

“What if--”

But he was cut off as William entered the living room. He looked between this dad and stepmom with apprehension. “I swear I didn’t do it.”

Felicity rolled her eyes with a smirk. “You’re not in trouble. You’re dad and I just want to talk to you about some things.”

“Okay?” But he still didn’t look convinced as he took a seat on the chair. 

Oliver could see how this would play out. The words caught in his chest were about to smash through his picturesque family. He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to erase every trace of his lies from their life. But the only way to truly do that was to be honest with him. 

“William,” he swallowed the lump that had grown so large in his throat, he thought he might choke on it. “Do you remember what I told at Thanksgiving. About Mr. Diggle and the Green Arrow?”

“You said he took over for you,” William replied as he folded his hands together. “He became the Green Arrow when I asked you to stop.”

“Yeah,” Oliver nodded, feeling Felicity’s hand squeeze his ever so lightly. It gave him the strength to go on. “But John got hurt. And he hasn’t been able to wear the hood for a while now.”

William looked at his father, and Oliver hated that he couldn’t read his son’s expression. “If he hasn’t been going out there, who has?”

Felicity, in her infinite wisdom, reached out for William, pulling his hands towards them, and Oliver took their clasped fingers and placed them over his son’s. 

“I lied to you William,” Oliver let his eyes slip close. Not daring to look as the disappointment swarmed his son’s face. “I told you I was done, and I wanted it to be true. I wanted to give it up. And not just for you. But for Felicity, your Aunt Thea, and for the future of this family.”

“You’ve been the Green Arrow this whole time?”

“I’m sorry, Will--”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

Oliver let his eyes fall open, looking at William. He couldn’t help but feel the tiniest sliver of joy over the fact that William didn’t look angry. He was upset, yes, but there was more fear in his face than anything else.

“John can’t come back to being the Green Arrow, kiddo,” Felicity said, tightening her grip on both of them. “Me and Curtis have done everything we can to try and help him. And we’re really close to something. But it won’t allow him to take over the mantle again. Not with the strength it takes to operate the crossbow.”

“Is he going to be okay?”

“He’s fine,” Oliver chanced. “He’ll find his way back to where he needs to be on the team, if that’s what he wants. But Felicity’s right. He can’t be the Green Arrow. Not like this.”

“So he’s not the Green Arrow? So what? Why does anyone need to go out there? You guys can stop. You both could stop.”

“It’s not that simple, buddy,” Oliver said with a sigh. “This city, it needs protecting.”

“And it has to be you?”

“It has to be someone,” he urged. “Someone who’s willing to stand up and push back. There are terrible people in this world William. You’ve seen them. Those type of people will do anything to destroy the good in the world. And the reasons I started doing this all those years ago, was to save this city from people like that.”

William looked down shaking his head. “You’re not safe out there. That’s why I wanted you to stop. If you’re the Green Arrow people are always going to come for you, and me, and Felicity. We’ll never be safe.”

“William,” Felicity soothed. “Yes there are bad people who come after us because your dad stands up for what’s right with a bow and arrow, but there is just as many people who could try and hurt you just because your dad is the mayor. And I’m not saying this to scare you. But you need to understand that between Oliver and myself, we will never, ever, let you grow up alone. We are a family. And I will fight until my dying breath to make sure your father always comes home to you.”

“Felicity’s gotten be out of the worst situations of my life,” he added with a grin. “I trust her more than anyone else.”

William looked at Felicity, his eyes glistening a little in the low light. “You always make sure he comes home?”

“Every single night,” she assured with a smile. “It’s my number one priority when I’m down there.”

He shifted his gaze to his dad, and Oliver couldn’t help how his chest seized again.

“You promise me, no matter what happens out there, you’ll always try and come home?”

“William, I can’t promise you much, but I can promise you that. I will do everything in my power to always come back to you and Felicity.”

“Okay,” he said clearing his throat.

“Okay?” Oliver repeated, looking at his son. “You’re okay with this?”

“I’m okay with you helping people,” William replied. “I’m not okay with you lying to me.”

“I can also promise that I will try to never do that again,” Oliver stated, looking between William and Felicity. “It won’t be easy, my first instinct will always be to protect you both from things. But I will always try. That’s something I’ll never stop doing. Not ever, William.”

His son pulled his hands back from both of theirs, but the loss of contact was on long enough for his son to engulf him in a hug, his arms tight around his shoulders. Felicity leaned into them, adding to their mess of limbs, but no one seemed to mind.

Oliver had been convinced his world was on the brink of ending, but with his son in his arms, and his wife nestled into his side. He felt the last few scraps of his old fears burning in the wind. His family believed in him and trusted him. And he would do everything in his power to hold himself to that. 

[kaitlyn-wardrup-blog]

Artist’s Statement

     For this project, I decided to explore my own definition of “home” through screenshots of the houses I have lived in throughout my childhood. They are the historic recounting of my personal growth during my adolescence, as each one represents a different time period accompanied by different lessons that I learned during the time in which I lived in them. 

     I was never the kid who grew up in the same house they were brought home from the hospital in. Nearly all of my friends growing up shared that particular narrative, but I had to navigate the mess of my parents’ divorce, the effects of the recession on my single mother, and my father’s inability to stay in one place for an extended period of time. Because of these events, I lived in eight different houses/ apartments by the time I moved away to college. 

     While I may have moved quite a bit throughout my childhood, my family always stayed within the county lines of San Diego. I was raised to orient myself with the ocean, always knowing which way pointed North depending on my positioning with the nearest beach. Walking along the water by myself gave me clarity, and I will be forever grateful to the community of genuine people that collectively raised me. I know that I am very fortunate to have this understanding, as powerful women like LaToya Ruby Frazier were not given the same luxury. Her live body performance in protest of the misrepresentation of her hometown of Braddock, PA has and probably always will resonate with me. I think it’s because in seeing powerful pieces of media like this, I am able to understand my privilege that much more. Despite having my own set of challenges throughout the relatively short life I have lived thus far, important stories like Frazier’s put things into perspective. I grew up in a place not marginalized or taken advantage of for profit but instead admired for its beauty. However, I know that in the event the place I grew up in were to be treated in a similar way to Braddock, I will fight just like LaToya Ruby Frazier did. Frazier taught me the importance of respecting our roots and urging others to do the same, as they are necessary in formulating our identities. 

     I am a firm believer in the cliché idea that everything happens for a reason. With that being said, I have grown up in not the most ideal circumstances, but I understand that I needed to learn particularly difficult lessons in order to become the strong young woman that I am. When looking back on my childhood, I have realized that every house I lived in has a series of lessons that have resonated with me and instilled in me the values that I stick by today. 

     In the house that my parents got divorced in, I was left with the memories of my parents fighting, my kitchen counter being a symbol of war where my mom was on one side and my dad was on the other. The house that my mom moved in immediately after was where I learned how strong my mom really is, jumping from housewife to single, struggling, working mother doing her best to raise three kids. The apartment my dad moved into was the place that I got to know him, as he was not present throughout my early childhood, he was always gone and left my mom to take care of my siblings and I on her own. The house my dad moved in after the apartment was where I befriended my stepmom - we share a special bond that goes against every negative stereotype that media has portrayed stepmothers as. The two houses that my parents live in now are where I found my footing as a young person - they are where I began to trust myself in making good decisions for myself, they are where I did the most growing up emotionally. 

     While I may have had to learn these lessons in an unconventional way, my siblings and I did it on our own. We had little to no guidance from the media that portrayed similar struggles that we had to undergo at such a young age. It was and still is extremely common for television shows, movies, and books to detail the lives of a middle class white family, but it is extremely rare for that family to be depicted as being broken. Growing up, I never saw a show on Disney channel about a young boy becoming addicted to marijuana at the age of 12 out of a need for release, or a middle child trying her best to keep her family together by mediating every conversation between her parents, or a young girl trying to navigate the world with only her older sister’s emotional guidance to be raised upon. As discussed in Myria Georgiou’s definition of the word “identity,” she emphasizes the importance of being able to see ourselves in the media we are exposed to, as it aids in creating our understanding of who we are. One quote particularly interested me in my dissection of the word “home,” how it translates to formulating identity, and how identity may manifest the spaces we are in. She says that “exposure to proximate and distant others expands, and digital connections - asymmetrically but effectively - manage spaces of belonging within and across physical boundaries” (Georgiou). Evidently, having representation in the previously taboo subject of divorce would have meant a lot to my family and families all over the world that look like mine. 

     I would like to say, however, I learned to become a strong woman by watching my mom. She always taught me that my self-worth should be independent, not touched or bruised or constructed by anyone other than myself (and ESPECIALLY not a man she would say). As I previously stated, when we moved out of the last house my parents were married in, I watched my mom transform. She went from being the stereotypical housewife that she thought she always wanted to be, one that hosts the birthday parties, cooks the Thanksgiving turkey, carts her kids around to school or the pediatrician or soccer practice. It wasn’t until her world came crashing down that she realized she is far more than the woman sitting idly in her living room in the house lined with the white picket fence she had always dreamed of having. Instead, she was a working mother, who taught her daughters how to achieve their ideal careers and balance it with having a family if they want to, a luxury rarely achieved by women. She also taught my brother how to properly treat a woman with care and respect. She single handedly broke down the walls of toxic masculinity that the males in my family had put up in attempting to teach my brother how to be a man. Instead, she created a space in which he could be the artist, not the football player. He didn’t have to go into finance or engineering or sales, he could be who he wanted and she would love him just the same. In reflecting upon this priceless lesson my mother taught my siblings and me, I realized it reminded me a lot of “A Killjoy Manifesto” written by Sara Ahmed that we read in the beginning of the semester. Her manifesto comes from a series of mistreatments she has had to face because of her identity and while her story may be specific to her experience in this world, each woman has a different story to tell that touches on similar themes (Ahmed). I find it interesting to think about how my mother’s manifesto is written on the walls of every house I’ve grown up in. My sister and I have been reading her words ever since and have carried these lessons with us in moving from the suburbs of California to the streets of New York. 

     Ultimately, I think this made moving away for school a bit easier for me than the average 18-year-old kid. I had understood that my stability and ultimate happiness was not dependent upon my surroundings. Instead, it is about the state of my relationships with the people most important to me. A house, apartment, or dorm room does not make a home, it is the people that inhabit one’s life and help them become who they are that define the word “home.”