#that said perdev earlier w school reminded me that oh maybe i'm like this bcs i don't really have. a very stable support system
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gna be productive now
#🌙.vent#i'll delete those later you see nothing rn !!!!#i feel better after. what crying for an hour n writing#that said i have wasted time as well though so. i feel. rather empty still. idk but. i have to do this all#i have No energy but i really wna reply back to my friends n all#yeah that's the thing i could just make myself take steps for something better but#it feels so weird n empty if i just force it#maybe good will come out of it but i hate how weird n empty n. how forced it feels#yk every single second and emotion and thought matters a lot to me#it both spurs me onwards as well as simultaneously weigh me down#goddamn it's overwhelming but. sometimes it's really hard for me to just really accept that#yk life's a journey. all these imperfections come with it n with time we grow and grow#the world is very imperfect and we are too#i'm so confused wait theres really so much in my head ;;;; but one thing i know for sure is that#i don't have to be this harsh to myself when it comes to improving. like fuck time we all should be able to do this at our own pace#pressure pressure it feels like i'm both falling behind n am too far ahead at the same time. how confusing#that said perdev earlier w school reminded me that oh maybe i'm like this bcs i don't really have. a very stable support system#i manage a lot better if i at least have a friend or smth but i think recently i've been unintentionally#distancing myself. i usually isolate when i struggle bcs i don't want to be a burden but it just makes everything worse for me#that said thinking about the kind of comfort i would 'ideally' like right now#a shoulder to cry on? a warm hug? some words too or. another form of affection just to remind me in those moments that. you love me#goddamn i really do mean it huh when i say love's a big motive for me T_T it's. pure though and really from the heart#my love for the universe; i want to learn so much. my love for life; i appreciate so much. my love for myself; i want the best for myself.#n a reminder that i'm loved has always given me strength. to get up again and be kind to myself#yk what's done is done n regret wtvr n all but it's best to just. be kind to yourself. if you can. it's hard but that's really yeah#do better in the future but really accept n all that yeah mistakes are normal n human#it really is hard but i just need to remind myself constantly and practice that. i'm human too. meaning i'll always#we'll always be deserving of receiving the same kindness we give to others. n wholly accept it. unconditionally#one at a time at my own pace. fuck my perfectionism making me forget n lose the meaning of my passions n ambitions n wishes#improving.. T_T defeats its purpose if this is my approach to it. fuck the word 'need' right now i'll just do my best to be kind for myself
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