#that shit just subliminally reinforces that deep dissatisfaction in all of us that they profit off of

[novadreii]

that post i just reblogged about how life is just like playing whack-a-mole with all your responsibilities is so damn true, but it got me thinking. between work, school, family, and my social life (which has increased both on/offline for me a lot in the past year, which is v nice), i’m always hyperaware that if i don’t take care of myself and keep my perspective in check, burnout is a very real possibility.

i would never trade it for the life i had exactly one year ago--university dropout, stalled “career”, so wracked with anxiety i was borderline agoraphobic and completely cut off from other people. i felt like my life was over before it properly had a chance to take off. that was my rock bottom and the one promise i made to myself as i applied back to school (so nervous the entire time i did so that i was trembling), was that i would just try my best. and on days that i couldn’t even do my best, i’d just show up and do what was feasible, because even that was better than doing nothing.

now, exactly a year later, i am 8 months away from finishing my degree, am potentially up for a promotion to do exactly what i’m studying at school, and have developed some old friendships and made some new ones.

it feels like A Lot sometimes, but always in a good way. it’s a million times better than being stagnant. i’ve resigned myself to the fact that right now, while i’m this busy, it’s impossible to do everything perfectly. my apartment/bedroom is as tidy as i can muster because mess stresses me out, but it’s not perfect by any means. there’s always a few dishes in the sink, and some clothes thrown over my chair, my desk is always strewn with whatever assignment/notes i’ve been working on, and i’m due to vacuum bc i see dust bunnies floating about on the floor. but i couldn’t be bothered. i often feel bombarded by emails/texts/messages, but i answer what i want to/feel able to in the moment, then i put my phone on silent and leave it facedown somewhere for a bit. work related stuff can wait until i’m actually at work, and good friends will understand when i get back to them the next day (and vice versa).

regarding school, i study when i have energy and in short bursts of 2-3 hours at most. no more all day long cram sessions. it means i can’t really procrastinate anymore but it’s so worth it. i find i don’t have the mental stamina anymore and this way i’ve been getting better grades anyway.

my family with the exception of my mother understands for the most part. i see them when i can and respond when i can. my mom feels neglected by me but she is just going to have to deal. it’s not forever.

my bills are on autopay bc my adhd ass WILL forget to pay them. i have a rough budget that i mostly stick to--one thing i’ve been spending too much on is eating out because it’s honestly just more convenient during hectic weekdays--i forgive myself for that, pack my food when i feel like it, and promise to just work hard so i can make more money very soon.

i don’t have fancy to-do lists and post-its everywhere, that is not the only way to be organized. i quickly jot down due dates for school in my planner as insurance but i honestly fucking hate writing every little thing down and planning my life out down to the last microsecond. i just find a happy middle ground between staying organized but without rigidity, bc as soon as i feel that it makes me want to drop everything and go live as a wild woman in the forest.

what i’m trying to say is that i am just doing what i am capable of given the current parameters of my life. #1 is always my own health and happiness, without exception. i have learned to be shameless about this. it doesn’t mean i walk all over others to get what i want in life, but i don’t go out of my way to be people’s physical or emotional caretakers (barring it being someone extremely close to me who has nobody else, of course). i don’t grind excessively at work, because they don’t really notice and i just end up being on the losing end of that deal--i just do what is expected of me but i do it impeccably. i show up and leave on time, they certainly don’t get any more time out of me than what i am paid for. i like the culture at my job bc for the most part they don’t expect us to sell our literal souls to them.

that is all i can do. i have financial goals, so right now work and school are my priorities, which means that taking care of my body and brain come first. everything else, for now, is secondary because i know myself--as soon as i try to be the #1 Employee, Student, Sister, Friend, Daughter, etc. all at once, i begin to fall apart.

you have the right to prioritize as you see fit. if it means that your living space doesn’t look like something out of an ikea catalogue, or that you’re a lil disorganized because you’ve got a lot on your plate, or you can’t be 100% Attuned to the needs of everyone in your life, IT’S OKAY. what matters is you’re showing up, you’re giving it your all, and as my own experience has shown me that is often more than enough.

since adopting this way of thinking, my anxiety, which was almost unbearable even just 6 months ago, is almost nil. as i’ve mentioned before, i have given up the illusion of control over life. there is no such thing, and i refuse to be derailed mentally each time something doesn’t go my way. i just try my best, try to be open and kind and present, and ye olde universe has been very receptive to that. i am thankful for the roof over my head, my health, the people i surround myself with, and everything else is just a bonus.