#thats enough wrestling and crochet for today

[bang-bang-gang]

so these two formed a new tag team and are calling themselves “cute sisters”. i dont think theyre. related. interesting developments i need to look deeper into spark joshi lore

[youre-in-my-sights]

Huge Hanzo Ask part 2

Hanzo was happy to have you back in his life. All the years of regret and torment that littered his mind meant nothing when he could be in your prescence again.

Too bad you hadn't the slightest interest of returning his affections.

You were stuck with Hanzo, yes, but you refused to go down without a fight, and since you know a show of strength or ability will be one you lose, you try and take a different approach.

You try and piss him off to the point where he realises he doesn't want you anymore and let you go, but his will is much stronger than any insults you fling at him. However, that doesn't mean you go unpunished. When you get like that, Hanzo isolates you in a windowless room for the rest of the day. On his particularly harsh days, he'll leave you without light or water to try and force a lesson onto you. It never takes.

Most times you try to annoy Hanzo as much as you can so that he isolates you. You'd rather be alone in the darkness than be forced into enduring Hanzo's romantic advances. Besides, the alone time gives you a chance of thinking of a way out.

Though the "relationship" between you two is dicey and unstable, you two do agree on one thing: everyday at noon you two sit down and talk to each other. Hanzo hasn't had you in his life for quite a while, and is more than interested in catching up with you. In exchange for telling him your secrets and past life, you ask for a pack of cigarettes.

You'll tell him everything he needs to know except any questions he has about the clan, for if the clan finds out and you do manage to escape Hanzo, your life would be on the line.

--

You are sitting at the dining table across from Hanzo. As usual, Hanzo begins conversation.

"Y/N, how are you this afternoon", Hanzo begins.

"The usual..." you reply in a snap. Hanzo is silent for a moment, then he speaks up. "Yesterday you spoke of the hobbies you had to pass time when you were in the clan. May i ask what they were?"

"Thats against the rule, Hanzo"

"It is not. I'm asking about your hobbies, not about the clan-"

"My hobbies are interconnected with the clan."

"....very well," Hanzo finishes meekly. Another period of silence fills the air.

"So, Disregarding the clan, what were your normal passtimes"

"...well, I jog, birdwatch, kayak, hike, you know, anything I can't do inside this house", you say sarcastically. Hanzo lets out a low and terse grunt.

"...I swim, build models and crochet", you finish weakly and honestly. "Those were my solo hobbies. I did a few other with my-" you stagger, for the next word you know will upset Hanzo.

"Boyfriend".

The table grows quiet again and Hanzo lowers his head

"May I ask who your boyfriend was", Hanzo asks, breaking the silence. "I-it interferes with the rules-" Hanzo slams his palm onto the table with an echoing thud.

"Then I demand you tell me!"

You flinch at his words, but oblige.

"Fine. My boyfriend...was your brother. Genji Shamada."

Words fail to explain the expression on Hanzo's face. It seemed like a mixture of betrayal, anguish, sadness and sheer rage.

"So how long were you two seeing each other", He asks.

"Around the time I've became a business associate of the Shimada clan."

"So this has been going on since we've first met?!" Hanzo stands from his chair abruptly. You knew where this was going, so you decide to use this moment to your advantage.

"How could you do that to me, Y/N? I loved you!"

"Wait, what? You love me? Oh Hanzo, I've never saw you anything more than a business associate!"

Both of Hanzo's fists slam into the table again. A brief pause and Hanzo escorts you to your isolated room. He's rather rough with you today, probably because of your confession. He practically throws you into the room, and you await the three sounds you've always heard. The slam of the door, the rattle of the padlock, and the click of the padlock locking. Today, though you only heard two of them: slam, rattle, where's the click?

You figured that Hanzo was too angry to lock the door properly. This could be the chance you were waiting for.

After a while you begin rustling with the door until you hear the thud of the padlock hitting the floor outside. You slowly open the door and hear grunting and furniture tumbling in the dining room. No doubt Hanzo was fuming. Nevertheless he wasn't in his quarters. You sneak into his room in search of the firearm he's taken from you. His bow was displayed on the wall next to his bed. You yank it down and throw it out the window. Then, you rustle through his drawers and there it was, the pistol the elders had given you to defend yourself from Hanzo.

Now you'll get to use it.

Right as you turn around Hanzo enters the doorway. He's obviously caught off gaurd, and you take that opportunity to strike. Aiming for his heart, you shoot Hanzo in the shoulder. He doubles over in pain as you try to slip past him. He grabs your ankle, which makes you tumble head first onto the floor. Miraculously you still hold on to the gun and you reaim it at Hanzo's head and

You miss.

You settle for kicking him away and making a run for it. You ran down the stairs straight to the exit. Your legs carried your body effortlessly through the house. You reached the living room, and thats when you felt Hanzo slam into you from behind, tackling you onto the ground. As he tries to wrestle you into submission you point the gun at him. Wasting no time, he snatches it from you and points it at you. That's enough to stop your squirming.

"I've sworn off using such archaic weapons", Hanzo begins still on top of you. "That does not mean I am incapable of using them. Do not make me use this, my love."

His words came out harsh and spiteful. If he was angry with you before, he must be beyond furious now. You still kick and squirm, but Hanzo is keeping you in place. Soon his patience is worn thin, and his fist collides with your cheek. Your head reels in the opposite direction and teeth fall from your mouth. You look back at Hanzo shocked. Apart from him abducting you, he's never laid a hand on you. Shortly after, he pulls your face towards his for a rough kiss.

"I wish to be a good lover to you, and I wish not to hurt you." He kisses you again. "But if you like it rough, you should have spoken up"

You could tell he was being cynical, but truthful. He jerks your head to look him in the eyes.

"I will prove to you that I can be a lover more worthy than Genji. Even if i have to be cruel to you."

You look at his bullet wound, leaking fown from his shoulder.

"Especially since you leave me no choice", he finishes with a sinister tone.

[unicornsinbowties]

She Used to be Mine...

Sarah Bareilles has been a kindred soul to myself these last couple years.  We have similar vocal range, though I am severely un-practiced, and her songs are just wonderful depictions of how i feel from time to time.  In my life, i go through cycles.  from craft to craft, from mood to mood, from music genre to genre, and i usually come back around to them after a year or two.  I will become a prolific and aggressive crocheter, then painting with acrylics, then switch to cross stitch, then to handicrafts, and now I have a rotary tool, so i wanna make stuff with that annnd back to cross stitch.  Or something new.

I can be quite the mess, as well. because i have such a wide and varied spectrum of desires and ways to distract myself from the world thats around me, I tend to get so wrapped up and absorbed in the things at hand that i can let little things slip.  my home, while not disgusting or dirty, is... untidy.  once in a while i get a bug in my bonnet to get up and put things where they are supposed to be.  

Doesn’t always work that way, though.  sometimes i get stuck.  sometimes i feel like i can’t get out of it alone and sometimes i need a friend to get me out of it.  I need help.  a boost.  you’d think that my best friend would be able to see that i’m struggling and may help me to get over it.  I find that they can be selfish as well and be... you know, human.  I can’t rely on someone else to help me out of my funk all the time.  I gotta go this myself.  Help me, Sarah!

I first heard the song “She Used to be Mine” this year, a little behind once again.  I didnt listen to the lyrics at first, just listening to the lovely song.  Once I heard it through, I hit replay and listened more closely. 

She's imperfect, but she tries She is good, but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy, but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie She is gone, but she used to be mine

I took this to be a declaration of love for a friend, a lost one, who has drifted away and a show that she understands and still cherishes her lost friend.  then the second verse hit and I knew... this was about a lost self.  a girl she used to know before life crept in and wrested the joy from her and turned her to the person who exists here today.  A woman who is working a job she didnt care for and in a relationship that seems to be stifling or unmoving.  She describes the girl as....

Who'll be reckless, just enough Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love And then she'll get stuck And be scared of the life that's inside her Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes That's been gone, but used to be mine

I feel like I identify with this girl.  I get stuck, I have to wrestle my way out of it, and i have to remind myself that while I may not be the ideal of a famous person, or someone that will make a lasting impact on the world, I am still a person in this world and I do make a difference...  I am working a wonderful job now, I have a lovely home that we can afford and not have to struggle each month to support. and yet.... i keep finding myself in the beginnings of sabotaging all of it.  I keep allowing myself to fall behind.  nothing major, but an hour here, an hour there, just... slipping.  i always make it up at the end of the day, but there are things that i just cant pick up the slack on. I start to feel powerless, because my will is weak, and i self-deprecate.  its a slippery slope into a feeling of utter uselessness.  

I need to get off my ass and do something about it.  how to get motivated, though?  what is it that motivates me... that isn’t utterly self-destructive to my cause? i need to lose weight, so food shouldn’t be the motivator.  Playing video games or relaxing online are counter-productive to my cause as well.  I need to learn to love something that is actually good for me.

any ideas?