#the first star trek fic i have written in YEARS bless a decade old hyperfixation to break writers block

[ponnearponfarponwhereveryouare]

negotiations of home

Pairing: TOS!McSpirk

Summary: Spock takes the time to examine his thoughts (and feelings) towards the Enterprise's captain and chief medical officer. He decides the most logical course of action is to address his findings.

Rating: G | Word Count: 1862 | also on ao3

Spock had long since learned not to say thoughts tied to emotion. Such ruminations had to be examined critically and in such a time and location so as to not interfere with his work. Only in this way could he put logic first, by making a habit of it. He was not sure if this was the process other Vulcans applied, but it was the one that worked best for him.

He knew he was successful when he was able to apply this method around members of his family; with positive emotions and negative. Only in absolute private he might tell his mother he loved her, tell his sister he missed her, or tell his brother that they were still, always, family.

It was best not to think about the emotions that came up involving his father. Or the feelings around the fact that his family was two and a half parts human and two and a half parts Vulcan. Of not being a whole.

Those walls had begun to slip, of late. And that was because he was faced with emotions that were not tangled up in his Vulcan upbringing. Feelings that included a sense of being held together, a chance at healing his two halves.

Which brought him to the matter at hand.

"You're you, Spock!" Leonard snapped, though the anger was not directed at Spock himself. The doctor was pacing about Jim's quarters, while Spock sat at the Captain's desk observing him. "You're not broken! All you have to do in this life is be honest with yourself."

Spock raised a brow. "Is this a time for the old anecdote, physician heal thyself?"

Leonard managed to scowl deeper. "Damn it, man, at least I'm trying. Talking about these sorts of things with someone you trust and care about is important."

"Is that not what I am attempting to do?" Spock asked. Before Jim had been called away to deal with a potential issue among the Enterprise's current guests, Spock had gathered both Jim and Leonard together with the purpose of working through a line of thought that had followed him around for the past 30 days.

Leonard deflated a bit, rubbing his hands together in a nervous manner. Spock attempted not to stare, as the emotions that evoked were ones he had not yet begun to speak of.

"Do not worry, Leonard, I will not continue until Jim has returned," Spock said in a tone he hoped would be reassuring.

"How am I supposed to do that, with you calling us by our names?" Leonard protested, now tossing his hands up in the air.

"It is a personal matter, so it would be illogical to use your professional titles."

"And that's why I'm nervous! Last time you had a personal matter that you had to involve me and Jim in, you were dying or your father was dying." Leonard didn't return to pacing, instead, he crossed the room and kneeled beside Spock. His blue eyes were wide and filled with concern.

"My apologies. I did not mean to raise alarm," Spock said, reaching out towards Leonard. He wasn't sure what he'd do, but he needed such dramatics to end. It brought an uncomfortable warmth that was tempting to lean into. To drown in. “Please, stand.” Spock stopped himself before he actually could touch Leonard’s elbows.

Leonard seemed to take a long enough time pondering this request as to border on his usual teasing. He finally stood, pressing a hand against Spock’s knee as he did. He settled then into Jim’s other chair so that they were now directly across from each other. “So you’re not dying.”

“Not that I am aware of. Though as my doctor, I believe you are to give me such status updates.”

This returned Leonard to a... huffier state. “I’d be able to do that if you didn’t lie to me.”

“Vulcan’s do not lie,” Spock reminded him.

“Oh really? Then it seems like I’ll need a copy of whatever definition you’re using for the word.”

Jim returned to catch that last exchange. “Gentlemen. I see I haven’t missed anything.” He was smiling, coming to lean against the partition that divided his quarters.

Spock found himself calmed by Jim’s presence. “The Andorian ambassador is settled?”

“Yes, Scotty was able to change the climate control settings for her quarters to something comfortable,” Jim said, as he looked from Spock to Leonard and back. “Where were we?”

“Spock was telling us something that is a “personal matter",” Leonard provided. “I’ve got him to promise no one is dying.”

“Statistically in the breadth of the universe and even just among life as we know it, at this moment-”

“Shut it!” Leonard’s tone was supposed to be sharp, but it was too rounded by his own laughter.

“Very well,” Spock turned towards Leonard, both eyebrows raised, and remained silent.

“Jim, look what he’s doing now!” Leonard complained, leaning closer towards Spock, as close as he could get with the desk between them.

Jim’s laughter filled the silence, and he crossed the room to sit on the corner of his desk. “Spock, Bones, come now.” His face was in that easy grin of his, the one Spock associated with times when all was well. “Spock, what did you want to talk to us about?”

Yes, the mission at hand. One that he had set for himself because, given the nature of their work and luck, it seemed best to share his thoughts sooner than later. Spock had planned the words he would say carefully, trying to predict what response he might get. He would not call himself nervous, as that emotion tended to be one of the most illogical.

“Yeah Spock, sorry,” Leonard smiled kindly, leaning back again. His foot nudged Spock’s under the table in what must have been encouragement. Leonard rarely apologized for their mutual antagonization of the other, another sign he was taking this seriously.

“It has come to my attention that I hold you both in strong regard.” Spock thought that was as good a place to start as any, even as his practiced words seemed to fall away. He should have written them down... But that would have no doubt brought Leonard’s amusement and possibly ire. “I also know, while it is not the practice on Vulcan, for many cultures it is customary to let those you care about know of your regard towards them.”

Both Leonard and Jim were silent, which was not one of the responses Spock had anticipated. It was Leonard who finally spoke and said, “Are you sure you’re not dying? Because you just admitted to having an emotion. Several, in fact.”

“Indeed. It was our last away mission that brought me to further examine my feelings towards both Jim and yourself.” Spock had been the one, after 27.8 frantic hours, to find and rescue the captain and chief medical officer. Between coordinating the rescue effort, Spock found his thoughts consumed with things he wished to tell them both. “I... care for you both. My existence is greatly improved by your presence in it.”

He hoped that they could understand all he was not able to say. ‘Don’t leave me, I need you, I missed you, I-’

“Spock,” Jim’s voice was soft, and when Spock looked up at him, so was his expression. “I feel the same.” He then looked towards Leonard, and Spock followed his gaze.

Leonard looked between them both, and his blinking grew more rapid. When he finally spoke, his voice was rough. “Damnit, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost either of you. You’ve both managed to pick up my pieces and put them back together. I can’t remember the last time I felt complete.”

Of course, Leonard, who was better with emotions than either Spock or Jim, would put the words to it: that there existed between them something that exceeded a friendship bond. They had become family. Partners. A tension settled then, the question -

“What do we do?” Jim voiced it. “It’s not as if we can stop going on dangerous missions. That’s not the life we signed up for.”

“I know neither of you could be happy sitting by,” Leonard agreed. “You’re explorers to your cores. And someone who asks you to change your very nature isn’t worth keeping.”

Keep. Spock turned the word over in his mind. “It seems that what is in our power to change is the parameters of our relationship.”

Jim let out a breath that sounded like ‘yes.’

“If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, that’d be against regulation.” Leonard pointed at Spock. “Would you be okay with that?”

“Affirmative.” Spock had to focus to keep his tone even. This was not one of the outcomes he had let himself ponder. His desire for it would have become overwhelming.

“What about the ol’ needs of the many over the few?” Leonard said, and Spock knew he wasn’t arguing because he was against the possibility now hanging heavy in the room, more tangible than it had ever been before because it had been named. Leonard was making sure Spock was sure; that he was comfortable.

“You are both professionals, whom I trust not to let the personal adversely interfere with the running of the ship.” It was an easier answer than he thought. “I even theorize that such a change in our relationship could improve personal performance.”

“Now that is a theory that I want to test.” Jim moved to stand, so he could face them both fully. His smile was back and wider than Spock could recall seeing it. “I’d like to very much.”

Leonard was smiling now as well. “Why am I surprised that this has been the weirdest way I’ve ever been asked out?”

“Come on Bones, for science,” Jim’s eyes twinkled, and he reached out to catch one of Leonard’s hands. “But more importantly, for... love.”

Spock watched the way their fingers fit together, and almost missed that Jim had spoken the final unspoken word. He looked back towards their expressions, before standing himself and coming closer, to stand between them both.

“Of course I will,” Leonard said. “Spock?”

“Affirmative,” Spock said again, and added, while carefully watching Leonard’s expression. “It should prove fascinating.” Before Leonard could offer a retort to that, Spock held out his index and middle finger to him. A gesture he knew the good doctor had picked up the significance of.

Leonard’s eyes went wide once more, but he didn’t hesitate before reciprocating the gesture. Once he had, Spock felt a wave of affection he could not pinpoint as his own emotion or Leonard’s. Spock then offered the same to Jim, who looked like he had been given a gift to rival his captaincy of the Enterprise.

When Jim’s finger’s met Spock’s, the three of them stood visibly connected in a way Spock knew their lives had already long been. This, then, was proof that he would not lose them. At least, not without making sure they knew what they meant to him.

It spoke of a new beginning, a new adventure, shared between the three of them.

[runn0ft]

Tagged by the lovely @goatsandgangsters! I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to this.

How many works do you have on AO3?

Two. I am a fraud.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

Okay, so I’m actually really embarrassed by my word count. A measly 3319. I like to think it’s because I’m just a succinct writer, which is both a blessing (academically) and a curse (creatively).

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

God, over the decades it’s been many, (most of which never saw the light of day) but some are probably still floating around various Ye Olde Internet Platforms. I think the first fandom I ever wrote anything for was either LOTR or Pirates of the Caribbean, I can’t remember which. I’ve also written for Star Trek, Stranger Things, Stephen King’s It, Generation Kill, and Big Love (all admittedly short lived hyperfixations). Boardwalk Empire is the only fandom I’ve written fic for in recent years that I haven’t deleted later. It’s only taken me 15+ years to write anything I’ve deemed good enough to put out into the world, but here we are.

What are your top five fics by kudos?

Both are actually pretty evenly matched.

glass houses wins out by only one kudos at 33, which I’m pretty pleased with considering the fandom is small and fairly dead.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I would say I do like, 99% of the time. If anyone takes the time to read let alone leave a comment on my fic, I will turn myself inside out to let them know just how appreciative I am. 

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Because I have so many WIPS (specifically like, THIRTEEN FUCKING WIPS) I...don’t even know if I can narrow that down. Only because I think the overall tragedy of Charlie and Meyer’s relationship is inescapable. Sad Old Men™️ (formally titled the sky in a room) makes a lot of references to some truly tragic moments (Meyer’s wedding to Anna, The Ride, etc.) and takes place months before Charlie’s death. It’s the last time Meyer ever sees him alive, but I would say the ending is more bitter-sweet with a ton of angst thrown in.

That said, I think the fic that’s just out-and-out angst might be father and son, which deals with the dissolution of Meyer’s relationship with his middle-child, Paul. Historically speaking, because we know what the fight was about, in combination with my own headcanons, there’s no surprise that there is no reconciliation.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Most definitely Afterlife AU (for i was born to glory in your kiss) or Charlie and Meyer Make a Porno, because the only way these two are getting their happily-ever-after is through divine intervention or within a modern setting.

But if we’re talking about a literal happy ending, then it’s fuck all that cute shit, i like it when it’s messy. Because, you know. 😏

Do you write crossovers? If yes, what’s the craziest thing you’ve written?

Nah, not my bag.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

No, but I did make it onto a Bad Fic blog on Livejournal in 2003. So that definitely dissuaded me from posting anything for at least like, another seven years.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I do, but I suffer greatly from smut imposter syndrome. The Boardwalk fandom has so many immensely talented people writing smut. I get to the act and immediately choke because I’m so afraid that what I bring to the table won’t measure up to what’s already out there.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

LOLOLOLOL that’s cute.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

See above.

Have you ever co-written a fic?

I will in no way take credit as co-author, but I will say that I collaborate with @portiaadams a lot on her brilliant saga Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (mostly on the Charlie and Meyer bits in the sequel Hand in Hand to Hell).

What’s your all time favourite ship?

It’s them. Full stop.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

When it comes to my Boardwalk fic, I have very real plans to finish all of them! Every. Single. One. The one that will absolutely never get finished/published? Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star, my one fleshed out BradRay fic. Sorry GenKill mutuals!

What’s your writing strengths?

Dialogue has always been my strong suit, but this is especially true for writing Charlie and Meyer. I grew up with a lot of men with Charlie’s cadence and sensibilities. In a lot of ways, Charlie is very comforting and familiar.

I also have the advantage of having been raised in both cultures. My mother’s family only immigrated to New York from Italy in the late 50’s. My great grandparents escaped the pogroms in Russia. I understand both their motivations to assimilate while still being inextricably linked to their respective home lands through unimaginable pain. That may sound like a loaded statement, but I feel very connected to both their histories.

What’s your writing weaknesses?

Fucking descriptives, oh my god it’s always just like pulling teeth, I really really have to work at it. I’m much better at conveying a lot of emotion through reading between the lines.

I’m also going to second that I am slow as shit and struggle a lot with follow through because I can’t get out of my own head a majority of the time.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?

I mean, it’s a necessity given the fandom and specifically the ship that I write for. That being said, I am by no means fluent in either, even though I came in already being able to speak a phrase or two in both Italian and Yiddish. I try not to be heavy handed with it because most translation sites are unreliable and the idea of asking my family for help is mortifying.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Lord of the Rings. I can’t think about the fact that the movies came out two fucking decades ago or I go into a total crisis.

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Sad Old Men™️ will be my tour de force. It is far and away the best thing I have ever written and I cannot wait to share it with you guys!

Tagging: @portiaadams @fancykraken @gaytaiga​ @ooihcnoiwlerh​ @nothingbutchaff​ and whoever else wants to do the thing.