#the latter isn’t diminished by the circumstance that the person feeling such love later made poor choices

[farosdaughter]

If Coryo was solely looking out for himself throughout TBOSAS and never had genuine feelings for Lucy Gray, then explain this passage

He could’ve landed in one of the districts closer to the Capitol, but instead chose to exile himself to District 12 hoping to be reunited with Lucy Gray. The mere possibility of their reunion is the only thing that keeps him going. And that’s love.😌

[webcricket]

Looking Glass

Chapter 25 - Corollaries

Pairing: CastielXAU!Reader

Word Count: 1683

Summary: Tragedy derails halcyon days in the bunker and forces everyone involved to reevaluate their notions of safety. Warning for minor (canon in ep 13X23) character death. I’ve decided to stop pretending I know how many chapters this beast will end up being - this isn’t the final chapter as I originally intended (mostly because I want to keep them at the original 2K word limit and there is too much story left to cover and clearly I have no concept of what will make it beyond the final edit).

Miss a chapter? Have a Masterlist Link!

Raining cats and dogs. Under the weather. Flying by the seat of one’s pants. Speak of the devil.

Castiel never fully appreciated the expressionistic origin of idioms peppering human speech until he glimpsed the vibrant magenta of your jacket fitted to a lifeless female form lying on the leaf-littered trail ahead and he experienced the resultant  precipitous leaping of his heart into the upper echelons of his throat.

Swallowing hard against the ‘What if it were you? What if I failed to protect her?’ rise of anxiety to relocate the obstinate organ back into his vessel’s ribcage where it belongs, he closes his eyes in concentrated effort; in the lidded distancing from the light of day, he reminds himself the shattered shell, limbs limp and radiating residual heat, crumpled in the mist of cooling rain belonged to some other unfortunate soul, not you.

He left you safe in the bunker’s kitchen, breathing, physically intact, and very much alive, as you helped prep a mass lunch for the multitudes mere minutes ago. The knowledge, the fresh imprint in his mind’s eye of the slight questioning smile hovering on your mouth soundlessly saying you expected to hear the story later as an agitated and secretive Sam dragged him away from the task of scrubbing dishes to help handle a situation – this situation – however comforting in recollection, barely makes a diminishing dent in his reflexive fright at the sight of your jacket and the scent of you still lingering in the damp cloth mingling with the unmistakable odor of raw death.

The hitch and pause in his gait, the sharp gasp and blanching of pink lips as they press tautly together – the outer projections of disquiet as he battles to suppress his rebellious nerves and rapidly beating heart – presents the split-second opportunity for Jack to sprint past the distracted seraph.

“Maggie!” the boy shouts. Surging ahead, he circumvents Mary and Bobby on the well-worn path where they stand sentinel, gravely watching over the dead girl. Ruddy cheeks paling, his sneaker slips in the mossy earth, smearing through bloodied mud as he stumbles around the boulder where she drew a final breath and collapsed.

Sam’s lengthy stride and rational senses move him to the site in time to prohibit Jack from disturbing the scene further; grappling with the Nephilim’s shoulder to hold him back from kneeling to take the girl up in his arms, he manages to keep the boy from eroding what little detail remains that might clue them in to what happened.

“I-I said I’d protect her, and,” Jack’s guilty lament suspends fog-like in the air as he speaks, fingers uselessly flexing and balling into fists, “Sam…”

Cas forces his feet to convey him closer to the carnage. Blinking between Jack’s anguished aspect and the waterlogged coat, he tears his focus from the more personally emotionally unsettling elements to study the statically fixed girlish features of Maggie’s corpse; the peaceful ghostly skin-shade of pre-rigor smoothing the minute muscles of her face is perverted by brightly painted crimson where the bone cracks cleanly at her temple; rivulets of blood and rain mat her hair, the latter diluting the congealed edges of the fatal wound.

“Stop, Jack. This isn’t your fault,” Sam consoles in the rain-pattered hush, stating what they all – save the grief-stricken Jack – are thinking.

A pang of empathy at Jack feeling personally responsible for whatever befell her resonates in Castiel’s heart; the angel knows from long practice it’s often easier to assume self-blame and contend with the tangibility of failure in place of the seemingly unsurmountable impossibility of accepting that senseless tragedies do happen no matter how many vows one makes to prevent their occurrence. For all the fight for a righteous cause, free will and destiny coalesce into unpredictable outcomes. It’s a hard lesson to learn – one with which the angel constantly grapples and one made bearable by the bonds of friendship and love.

“What happened to her?” Dean huskily murmurs the question as if uttering it aloud will provide an instantaneous answer.

At the thought, Cas casts his blues skyward at the roiling grey abyss of clouds above; tiny droplets of rain smatter and collect on his unshaven cheeks, blending with the brimming brine of unshed tears to pool in the divot of his chin when his gaze again drops to settle on the distraught boy. If he could, he’d take this pain from Jack; he knows, in their way, Sam and Dean feel the same; since that feat is not within the realm of possibilities, perhaps Dean’s on to something and they can relieve the burden some by figuring out what really happened here.

“I don’t know. Doesn’t look supernatural,” Mary supplies to flesh out the unknowable.

Cas silently concurs with the assessment; someone, not something killed Maggie. Given the ambient air temperature, the wicking capabilities of water to rapidly cool core body heat, the angel determines the girl can’t have been left here more than a handful of hours ago.

Always ready with a surly remark in any incarnation, Bobby pipes in, “Looks like some son of a bitch beat on her until…”

“Who would do something like this?” Interrupting, regard drawn once more to the magenta fabric, remembering your walks together on this very same stretch of trail, the solitary outings you’ve taken since trusting in your safety, Castiel masks the fear in his tone with anger.

A lesser being might call it a tragic case of mistaken identity; for Lucifer, it was a fairly typical Thursday evening with a dash of prodigious fate thrown in for fun. The single regret clouding his glee and veiling the red glow of his pupils as the girl’s skull broke with a satisfying pop and an even more gratifying gurgle against the unforgiving mass of the boulder on the third strike was that – although she initially tricked his senses into thinking she was you wandering in the wilderness on account of outerwear absolutely reeking of his brother – she was not actually you.

Unfortunate for fulfilling his nefarious need to revenge an innocuous smack upside the head back on the bus, certainly; although he wouldn’t characterize it as a mistake. He knew before he throttled the scream in her throat and flicked her – sputtering for air like a boneless fish – onto the ground he had the wrong refugee. Too bad for her, on he devil’s non-existent moral compass, wrong exists as just as compelling a direction as right.

Finishing up the last of the dishes in the sink, you lay a gleaming plate carefully on the pile with a clink to dry and swipe the wetness coating your hands across the towel tucked into the waistband of your jeans. At the familiar bass angelic utterance of your name, you turn toward the doorway.

“Cas!” The smile skirting your mouth falters into a frown at the serious etch of lines hardening his countenance. Yanking the towel free and tossing it aside, you navigate the counter between you with an arm extended to meet him halfway. “What happened?” Your fingers delve beneath the hem of his coats, flattening to the rigid plane of his torso.

“We need to talk.” He peers beyond your fretfully widening eyes at the two other apocalypse expats currently inhabiting the space to aid in lunch clean up. One of them averts her inquisitive gaze back to the tabletop she’s polishing. “Leave us,” he growls; the order emerges significantly less kind than he is capable of being. “You too.” He gestures at the young man organizing a shelf.

“Cas,” you hiss chidingly under your breath, prodding his side. You’ve made great strides these past weeks in terms of angelic PR and here he is throwing everything out the window with rudeness.

He rolls his eyes almost imperceptibly. Almost. There isn’t time for niceties given the circumstances, although he knows you’re right. “I need to speak to Y/N alone. Leave us, please,” he amends and softens the request, punctuating his words with a strained smile for their benefit. It’s disingenuous, yet you appreciate the effort.

You mouth a polite thank you to your nodding cohorts for their understanding as they abandon their chores to slink out into the hall.

Upon their exit, Castiel engulfs you in a hug.

“Hey, I’ve got you,” you whisper, acquiescing to his tender demand for contact; rubbing circles into his back, sliding a palm to comb the chestnut curls at his nape, you wait for an explanation for his strange behavior.

Standing there, he lets the heat of you sink into his shrouded skin; he listens to the steady thrum of your heart and shallow respiration of life moving in and out of your lungs until nothing but the grounding succor of your body and soul quiet his senses. Exhaling a sigh into the crook of your neck, he shudders against you and pulls away to look into your eyes. Grey glints of somberness gild his irises. “Maggie’s dead.”

“Wh-what?”

“Mary and Bobby found her body in the woods, on the trail leading to town. That’s what Sam-”

“An accident?”

Regard falling to the sliver of space between you, he shakes his head.

You suck in a juddering breath. Choking on a wave of guilt, you remember your conversation when she took over your living quarters. “I-I told her it was safe here. I promised her-”

“This isn’t your fault. This isn’t anyone’s fault.” Repeating Sam’s earlier assertion to Jack – the words sounding no more reassuring to his ears than before – Cas folds you to his chest, tangles his fingers in your hair, and angles to kiss the top of your head. “We need your help. You’ve gotten to know these people better than any of us – is there anyone she was close to? Anyone who would know why she was out alone?”

“Yeah-” You nod in the solid casing of his embrace, sniffling back tears– “Allene. They’re friends.”

“Good, that’s good.” He balances a prickly cheek on your crown; feeling the warmth of your tears saturate his shirt, he resettles his arms to envelope you tighter.

Next: Ch. 26 - The World Ender (Final)

[dailyaudiobible]

05/28/2021 DAB Transcript

2 Samuel 13:1-39, John 17:1-26, Psalms 119:81-96, Proverbs 16:6-7

Today is the 28th day of May welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it is great to be here with you today, wonderful to come around the Global Campfire together, wonderful to have a Global Campfire to come to, an oasis, a safe serene space carved out…ahhh…just to let God speak through the Scriptures and just exhale and have a place away from any chaos or anything coming to distract us. We have this place together and I'm glad to be in it with you for the next step forward. And that next step forward will take us back into the book of second Samuel. We’ve kind of just moved through the Bathsheba story and it's a sordid story to be certain and we were just talking about how things are never really the same David's family after this. And we will begin to see that today. Second Samuel chapter 13.

Commentary:

Okay. So, from the book of Second Samuel, we see that things in David's family have not improved in any way. They have only gotten worse after these choices that David made involving Bathsheba, the taking of another man's wife and then the killing of that husband. Respect seems to be somewhat diminished if not lost among David's children. And, so, we…we encountered a story today that involved three of David's children in particular, a son named Amnon, a daughter named Tamar and a son named Absalom who was the brother of Tamar. We read the story. We don’t need to go back through the details. Tamar is raped by Amnon. Absalom…Absalom is infuriated…like he can't stand that this has happened, and he cannot stand his brother Amnon for what he did. And David didn't do much of anything. And even Absalom under the circumstances is just kind of consoling Tamar, like “you have to just…you have to begin to move on from this place.” But Absalom…Absalom's plotting justice, justice that the king's not going to give, justice that's just not gonna happen any other way, it appears, because two years go by, right? Two years go by and it's like everything is just brushed under the rug and we’re moving on and that's when Absalom has his plan to have a feast and the feast does happen and Amnon is killed, which certainly disrupts the royal family, to say the least. So, there's a great amount of grief and mourning. We can read it and go, “well that was justice.” But the only one that's fleeing now is Absalom. So, Absalom has perpetrated the killing of Amnon his brother who’s a prince and its justice, but Absalom has to flee. As it turns out, though, Absalom is the grandson of the king of Geshur. And the capital city of Geshur has been associated with…with some ruins in the Galilee region. Actually, it is believed that Geshur and the New Testament city of Beth-Saida, which some of Jesus’ disciples called a hometown and that Jesus visited and performed miracles in, that they are the same. So, they share the same ruins. They just come from a different time. So, Absalom’s back at his grandfather's palace and protected there for three years after…after the death of Amnon. And that's kinda where we leave off. We’re not done though. We’re on a slide that’s sliding downward in David's family and we’re not…were not done with the story of Absalom, who it appears has lost pretty much all respect for his father the king, David.

When we turn into the gospel of John, we are at John chapter 17, and this is a famous chapter. This is known as Jesus High Priestly Prayer, a prayer that He prays over His disciples and through His disciples over all of us who believe, and He is asking the Father to make us one as they are one. So, in the words of Jesus, so I'm quoting out of the gospel of John here, “I am no longer going to be in the world, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father protect them by your name which you gave me so that they may be one as we are one.” And then a couple verses…verses later Jesus says, “I am praying not only for them but also for those who believe in Me through their message.” That will be us friends. That would be us. “May they all be one as You Father are in Me, and I am in You. May they also be one in us so that the world may believe that You’ve sent me.” What Jesus is talking about here is an intertwining that should blow our minds - “so that they may be one as we are one?” Well, our understanding of how “one” Jesus is with the Father is that there one in the same. So, this isn’t something that we can just talk over in the next three minutes. This is something we’re gonna have to kind of really think about and meditate upon over the course of days, maybe weeks, maybe months. This is something we invite the Holy Spirit to lead us into all truth about. What would that be like, that we the body are one as They are one? How do we even start to think about that? We can think, well...the reference here is about unity, that we’ll all be united, believe in the same thing in the same direction. If that's the deal then this prayer has not yet been answered, right? All we have to look around is to know that that's not how we are operating almost ever. And if that's the case, and it is in fact Jesus desire as He prays to the Father that we become one as They are one, then the path that we are on, it doesn't seem like we’ll ever…like it doesn’t seem like we’re moving in the right direction, even as…as the body much less humanity. How do we even begin to get our minds around that concept though? We have to…we have to begin to think of ways in which we are united, we are one. So, for example, every human being alive on this planet today is one with every other human being. We are one as the human race. The things that keep us alive on this planet are the thing to keep all of us as the human race as one together alive. For example, we have beating hearts. If that stops, we cease to be on this planet alive, at least as we know it. And that is true of all human beings. We are all one in that reality. What we are typically programmed to do in this world and in this world system in the cultures is to generally, from birth almost, become aware of our distinctions, our differences, the things that we can look at and say, “that is different than me. We are not one. We are distinctly different in this area.” But once we find one area that we are distinctly different in, say for example, we have theological differences, say, with another brother or sister, they…they are seeing things a certain way that we don't think is accurate, we will often take that distinctive and then type up a label and put the label on that person so that we can dismiss that person and everybody who thinks the way that they do as not one with us. Is that true though because that person still has a beating heart, bloods pumping through their veins, they have a brain, they have eyes and mouth and ears that are situated on a head, they walk upright, they look human, they are human, they are still part of the human race. Our label or judgment cannot change that. We are still one with them is humanity. And we need to think about the body of Christ. Is it, we who made the body or is it we who were grafted into the body and are simply lucky to be here at all? If it is the latter, then we don't have anything to type with, we don't have any labels, we don't have any anything. Our identity is one in Christ. Our allegiance is to Jesus. We may be evolving in our understanding of Jesus, our relationship with God. That would be a default of being alive, right? We’re…we’re learning, we’re growing. I am in love and am attempting to use my life to become one with my wife. And sometimes it feels like that and sometimes it doesn't. But we’ve decided no matter what it feels like, this is the this is the trajectory of our lives is to become one. And marriage is another fantastic way to begin to think about this concept. What we begin to realize is, it's not about pointing out our distinctives and carving out all our territory...territory to protect that. It's more about focusing on our similarities and working to strengthen these things while using our differences to challenge the status quo. Like we can always be about the business of refining this oneness that Jesus is speaking about, but we have to think about what it even looks like because if we just look out over the body of Christ across the world, we…we would see just about as many divisions as there are in the world. We continue to try to carve out our distinctives in one way or another, while ignoring our similarities, which is where we probably should be starting. If are clear on our similarities than we can celebrate our distinctives because their gifts from God, their beautiful things that serve all of us together. And, so, I probably have talked that three minutes or more, but let's meditate upon this because if we do, we begin to think about becoming one as a body, which Paul talks about. Like I'm not suggesting something extra biblical here, like we’re gonna, we’re gonn approach all of this from different perspectives when we begin to read Paul and his description of what Jesus is doing in this world by making the body of Christ. So, this idea of…of us becoming one is something that we actually do need to give thought to because it's a posture that is supposed to be our normal.

Prayer:

Holy Spirit we invite You into this. Conceptually we can maybe understand the concept. The process…we…we don't. It it's a mystery. And, so, we have to surrender and open ourselves. And maybe that's all there is to it, is that we surrender our identity to You and You bestow an identity upon us, the identity of a son or a daughter of the most-high God, and when we come into contact with our brothers and sisters in the world, it's not about our distinctive, the things that we need to argue about, it's about the fact that we are all children of the most-high God here and there is no label we can slap on each other change that. You and You alone are the eternal judge. And, so, Holy Spirit come lead us into all truth we pray. In the name of Jesus, we ask expectantly. Amen.

Announcements:

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Check out the Daily Audio Bible Shop. There’s a lot are resources there for our journey as we continue to move forward, step-by-step, day by day. So, check that out as well.

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And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app or you can dial…well...there's a number of numbers that you can dial. In the Americas 877-942-4253, in the UK or Europe 44-20-3608-8078, and in Australia or that part of the world 61-3-8820-5459 is the number to call.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello Daily Audio Bible family. I…I'm Sydney from Tennessee. I am just calling. I've been driving and listening trying to catch up on Daily Audio Bible and listening to the prayer requests and praying along and a thought just occurred to me. I…as I’m listening to some of your stories and…and how the…the struggles that everybody is going through I'm just blown away by how this community pulls together and prays for everybody who needs it. I…I…it reminds me of the story of Moses when they're fighting and he's only winning when they're lifting up his arms. And I feel like this community stands in the gap when we’re too week to make it through our own battles. And I just was overcome…and just with joy and happiness that this is truly a community that follows that example. So, I guess I just want to thank everybody for being so loving and I guess for showing the way that the Kingdom of God should work. I love you all. I thank you for calling in. I'm praying with you and for you and thank you to Brian and Jill and family for putting on this wonderful podcast for everybody. Have a blessed day. Thanks.

Hey DAB family this is Byron out in Florida. My wife went to go visit her mother's grave the other day and on her way to the site she came across an old man that was visiting his wife's grave and they got to talking and it turned out they had been married for quite a long time and he had this to say about his wife, that she was a fighter, that they had diagnosed her with cancer and had given her only two months to live but she continued to live another 27 before she died. Later on that evening my wife had severe pains in her abdomen so we went to the emergency room where they did some scans and urged us to see a specialist as soon as we could. Came back from seeing that specialist today and it turns out that one of my wife ovaries is significantly enlarged. The recommendation is to remove the ovaries along with the rest of the sexual apparatus and to test it to see if there is cancer and if any additional action needs to be taken. So, given the circumstances and the little things that God has done we have great assurance about all this, great comfort. My God has always been faithful to me, and to my family and he will continue to be even in this situation, but nothing goes right without prayer and that's where you my DAB family come in. Please pray for my wife for healing, for the doctor and nurses and assistants, that everything goes well with the surgery. It's going to be happening on Friday January 4th. And pray for my wife's husband that he does the right thing, says the right thing, takes care of everything that needs to be taken care of so my wife can do the main job of healing. Thank you all for always being there. I love you all and will talk to you soon. Bye.

I have only called in one time before. Been listening for about 10 years but this is not about me. I…my wife's not doing well. She's been fighting leukemia for 10 years now and in the past year it's gone south. She's in the hospital now and the doctors helping out, paying attention to blood tests and results. But it's in God's hands now. There's nothing that you and I or the doctor can do. It's all in God's hands and His healing touch. So, will be praying for my wife Tanya. Also, be praying for my family. We have to find a house soon. Our landlord is selling the house. He’s not being mean about it. It's just part of life. The housing market has gone up. And, so, we are able to…he's able to make some money and I don't blame him, but we have a large family and it's hard to find a rent house. But be praying for me because I can't be with my wife. I’m taking care of the kids while her mother is with her and I can't be by her side. So, just be playing for my family. Thank you.

Hi everyone, how are you doing? I hope you're doing great. I hope that throughout your challenges and your ups and downs in life that you always keep trusting in God. I pray that no matter what is going on in your life would derail you from the right path which is in Christ, and which is Christ. I pray that you will always keep leaning on him even though if I win his heart, it would be so nice to rely on other things than Christ. But it is…Christ is the only way. I pray that He will help you and…and make you strong in Him in the name of Jesus. Be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Have a great day. Bye-bye.

Good morning DAB this is Pamela from Texas. I started out in January listening to Jill Chronological but now I've become a double DABber and I'm listening to Brian as well. I listened this morning to May 25th about just wanting to say I love the analogy about not wanting to put God in a box. If we could all just remember that God just wants to be close to us and have a relationship with us and be in our heart and with us and that our body is the temple and that we need to treat it as a temple of God because He is living there with us. Also, I want to ask prayer for my oldest daughter Christy who is addicted to meth. She struggles with it, and she is having to mandatory go back to a rehab for three months and she's not happy. But I'm praying that God will work with her and through the counselors there and she will finally get rid of this addiction. And I hope with your prayers and my prayers that she can overcome this. I thank you so much and pray for all of you and thank you for this podcast. In Jesus’ name. Amen. Have a great day.

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

People are nasty because they are in pain

Why do we target minorities?

there is a reason they call it dady issue- we keep the love we think we deserve. is not entirely true.. maybe you saw it on a facebook quote and related but we actually choose the love we are famillar with. 

I once saw a picture of a duck, he was drifting sideways in a stream about to meet an avoidable fate of falling down a waterfall but seemingly didn’t mind. It was perfectly representing that point of depression- hoplessness that made me laugh so hard at the picture. The currents were taking us to inevitable doom, it was in our power to change but there was that relatable hoplessness in why bother. 

I was the duck at ths point in my life. I had once been teased by one of the slow learning kids at school who pointed at me mockingly after my embarrassingly failed attempt to catch a ball said ‘ well you’re just a duck anyway’  agressively enough for me to judge it as an attempt to demean me. The bizarrity of it didn’t huurt my feelings, none the less it was a great way to include the usual minority group in the class who felt confident ienough to make fun of me . 

 I was the duck. 

I was a teenager, and even though I learnt how to deal with exlusion I still wanted acceptance and love. So I reveled in the company music gave me. Bands that empathized with my pain changed my life, first few albums I picked up were from Radiohead,  Nirvana and Pink Floyd. Then the love flowed from the feeling my guitar gave me when i developed the muscle memory to play a song,  how the strings hurt so good underneath my fingertips. I didn’t need outer love anymore though i still believed in it. That someone, would see through me being a duck or a loser, and still find me attractive as I am.

In love, we tend to look for familiarity not to be confused with admiration. What want something taht feels normal. We usual look for someone who treats us much like our parents did and find those qualities most attractive.

well shit

I’ve only had the opportunity of feeling the urge to kiss someone once in my life, but I didn’t act on the thought, felt ashamed, turned away blushed, and repressed it completely. 

I did find myself attracted to people but quickly repressed that too. 

It’s hard to admit this even in writting, as most people perceive me as a logical level headed person,  I did have one celebrity crush when I was 14.  A  rock musician from New York, singer, guitarist and piano player, I’m still too embarrassed to admit who it was but again  I repressed exploring admiration and appreciation of physical attraction, shamed of myself, believing I was unable to ever recieve the same admiration back.

it but it seems this still comes out in my adulthood as his longer dark hair, and light colored eyes are some of the only things I find physically attractive these days. Isn’t that ridiculous?

For the most part of school I had been called ugly, at home I had been called a ‘bitch’, I was a gangly looking, weird, tall, large hips and at that  stage of  growth puppies go through where their paws are for to big for their little fluffy bodies. 

Eventually I would grow past this, and I wished someone said that to me at the time ‘but at the time I felt truly ugly and unlovable. I wish only to have known what I did now, and maybe I would have avoided the kind of love that came to me next. 

Nastiness is a difficult thing. Being a Victim is a difficult thing.

We treat nastiness, when we are emotionally weak in 2 ways. either side is interesting ad equally miserableand both sides have nothing ver much to envy from eachother

The temptation is to get stern and cruel back, or to succumb to the over compussing voice and convincing vicous slurs of the person attempting to over power us.

I did the latter.

Let me introduce you to, the man I would fall pregnant to. Who thankfully disappeared, but every year when it comes to the anniversary of my mom’s death i remember this moment and i will eb tormented with remembering it for th erest of my life. 

After I ran crying to the Ice cream store, face bruised and swollen from crying, I told my sister,  the manager of the ice cream shop let us move in with her. She’d later reveal her on and off boyfriend lived down the road and how he’d been abusive to her. 

not only was he abusive to her, but he had his sights set on me. 

The apartment was awful. I slept in the lounge  and was often woken up beer bottles, sex, drugs or most horrifyingly enough too me my guitar & record collection being thrown around. I managed to stay in school despite this.

My sister was there but she enjoyed the constant party. she is an extrovert, I am an introvert. She often abused the fact we lived out of home young to throw parties.

I was a virgin, and very much a victim & easy target. I reigned it true in my head that no one would ever love me/like me/be attracted to me & that I was ugly part due to my mother, part due to the constant bullying of school friends.

he drugged his gf one night. she was passed out. he pushed me over his lap and felt me up. told me it was my fault because I was beautiful.and i wasn’t a virgin anymore

i didn’t tell anyone because i was ashamed

i’d loose my house if his gf found out

i didn’t believe anyone would ever love me anyway

and I thought this was the best I was ever going to get & deserved it.

i was so ashamed of my body, my life & he used it

he told me everyday when no one was around

I was lucky I even got that from him, that I was ugly and pitiful

he’d make sure he’d keep my mouth shut, well they found out because i got pregnant.

he started hitting me

stealing my phone

my money (which wasn’t much)

until i was at a clinic basically crying for someone to help me

eventually i lost my house b/c his gf found out

he & i moved into an apartment

my sister blames me

All my friends  thought i was disgusting though deep down I was so afraid I didn’t want to stay with him I truly felt I had nowhere else to go and no one to turn to

he told me my body was his, and that now id be ugly & disgusting for life

& no one would ever love me

 in my life, I don’t think I would’ve been a mom otherwise.

I toughened up one night after he spent 8thousand dollars of my money on hookers for all his friends. I called the cops, booted him from my house.

though the night my mom died he had been there

i was getting ready to go to the hospital and say good bye he decided he wouldnt look after the baby it wasn’t his jobe

when he told me i couldnt go and slammed my head against the wall

and said  i was a bad mom

I do not fel any anger for this time in my life. but the only way to diminish the vicious cycle of hate is to address its origins, which lie in suffering. 

look on enemies with sorrow, pitty and when we cn manage it a forgiving kind of love.

the same forgiveness I have for my mom

ANd the same forgiveness I have for myself in this situation

I was a victim, and stuck in the unhealthy victim mentality. I tuly let my saddness define me at this point in my life and felt hopeless to see otherwise.

My pain was quietso my friends misinterpreted me in these situations there is only one way isnt ot succumb is to succumb and accept your circumstance for what they are and start believing you do deserve better

That you know deep down you are no the person people around you are telling you you are. but  at the same time understand they misunderstand you because youre letting your environment control the way you act out of losing hope. 

i ran awya and said good bye