#the maths burnt my brain more than the fic idea did honestly

[pastelcheckereddreams]

Thinking about some kind of "sleeping beauty" post-canon fix-it, were we to interpret Li Lianhua to be still dying at the end of the special episode.

About how it is the simplest tragedy of all, that Li Lianhua just needed more time: Ten years, and Fang Duobing could cultivate yangzhouman powerful enough to heal him.

There is no xianxia magic to freeze time present in the drama, there are, however, nods to it - body-preserving herbs and techniques to stop the breath for three days. And how ice can freeze a body, freezes everything it touches, at the moment of death.

So I'm thinking of that, and I'm thinking about this:

How Li Xiangyi and Di Feisheng were once at the peak of the martial world, and that it is always cold at the summit of a mountain. I'm thinking about Di Feisheng (who recognises only one equal in the world) carrying Li Lianhua up a mountain along a path scattered with pine needles.

There Li Lianhua stays, out of time, a body frozen.

Perhaps he stays frozen the whole time, Di Feisheng a silent guard - standing sentry for ten more years in seclusion. His hair starts to grey at the temples. But what is another decade, if it means Li Lianhua at his side? He is willing to be the one to take the meandering path this time, if it means their zhiji can continue by their side.

Or perhaps Li Lianhua gasps awake - a split second, once every three days, to simply fall back into his breathless stupor. The presence of Di Feisheng a constant in those snippets of consciousness - 1,216 of them. As fleeting as a grain of sand in an hourglass, but a steady trickle of time nonetheless.

It's a gamble. 1216 days - 3 years and 4 months, a decade of stretched time - for Fang Duobing to cultivate the strength to save Li Lianhua.

(Yet it realistically is a decade of Fang Duobing's life - of intense training and focus, the survival of Li Lianhua on his shoulders a constant anxiety in the turmoil of the jianghu - within which he now forges a name for himself without Li Lianhua or Di Feisheng, while Di Feisheng himself has almost passed into legend, unseen since the letter on the shores of the East Sea.)

But even that borrowed time may not be enough: Li Lianhua must survive like this for three years, when he is already down to practically zero.

..It's internal power that Di Feisheng willingly gives.

Every three days, he gives another second of his life.

To die three years earlier - decades hence - with the satisfaction of decades more with both Li Lianhua and Fang Duobing at his side, is no gamble at all.

Such a small debt is meaningless, for love.

[sugarycloud]

I can’t believe Caz is actually 40. I remember so clearly back in 2012, when the tag was booming and they made that pact and we were all like ‘Well they’ll be married by then anyway’ and yet here we are. I feel a bit weird about it all, like she’s actually 40, it feels like such a big Carolly milestone and yet. Anyway here’s some fic. 

After all these years, carolly rpf

It hadn’t been her idea. She had been dreading it really, the 4-0. Forty. She couldn’t actually believe she was 40. She remembers when she was 16, 40 seemed like an old lady age, where you’d wear a twin set, go to PTA meetings, and say you’d meet up soon with acquaintances but never actually did. It feels nothing like that. Mostly it is disbelief, incredulity and slight panic, ok maybe more than slight.

But she couldn’t say no to a party, how could she? Her loved ones knew she loved a party, but she hadn’t wanted to make such a big deal about it. Not shine such a spotlight on her age, all of that which was behind her, and her uncertain future. So many of her friends had had to find babysitters for the evening that it had left her wanting and bereft. Jo had left the kids with Jason, her own party tomorrow, a do at home with all the family. It still startled Caroline how different their lives were. When Caroline was 16, there definitely would have been a babysitter involved in her vision of her 40 year old self. For Jo it had come true.

Despite her misgivings, the ample bar selection and the company of her favourite people, is making her enjoy the evening much more than she had imagined she would. Caroline hadn’t been in charge of the guest list and she keeps running into people she hasn’t seen in an eon, with delight.

Whilst catching up with Dee and Dermot, a familiar and warm touch floats by her side, an arm sliding through hers and a whisper in her ear ‘hey stranger’. Caroline’s heart falls right through her feet.

‘Mind if I take her away?’

‘All yours Olly’ says Dermot with a smirk

Her feet follow without conscious action from her brain. She has been thinking about him all day, and now he is here, like she magicked him into existence. The club they have hired is a labyrinth of alcoves and secret hidey holes. She passes many of her friends making out in them before Olly pushes a handle down and swings her around in an empty room. There’s a couple of mint velvet sofas, old fashioned sconces set in the wall, the lightning dim and a low coffee table littered with books and half burnt candles.

‘So, should I propose now or?’

Her heart leaps back up and nearly falls out of her mouth

‘What?’ is her response to that

Olly grins at her in a way he used to do before he’d start taking her clothes off. God that grin, the sight of if after so many years makes her want to push Olly onto the sofa and fuck him right there and then. They’d been doing pretty much exactly that, this time four years ago. And it had been her birthday so it had involved all her favourite things.

‘Caz?’ breaks her reverie

‘Hmm?’ Caroline shakes her head, bites her lip and looks up

‘You alright there?’

‘I, just- ‘she waves her hands about ‘memories’

‘I know’ he sighs and then smiles again ‘so?’

‘So what?’

‘So’ he says slowly, walking towards and taking her hands in his, running his thumbs over the tops of her hands, little lightning sparks breaking out against her skin. She wants to kiss him so badly it aches, happy birthday to her?

‘Should I propose now or?’

‘I’m sorry what?’ she laughs ‘are you being serious or?’

‘Yes?’ he says unsurely ‘I mean we had a pact’

‘Yeah, that if we were both single at 40, we’d get married’ she starts to count with her fingers ‘one, you’re not forty, and two, you’re not single’

‘Well, two I am actually’

‘I thought you were dating some bodybuilder?’

‘I’m not. You believe everything the papers say?’

‘Well no, I believe basically nothing the papers say’

‘So, are you single, or are you still seeing Lewis?’

‘I’ she stalls ‘I, no- ‘she takes a deep breath ‘we broke up a while ago actually, he was never really more than a fling’

‘So, there you go, we’re both single’

‘But not 40’

Olly rolls his eyes and leans in and pecks her lightly on the lips, the type of kiss they used to do back when they were ‘just friends’. She hasn’t kissed him in almost 4 years, it stings and sings at the same time.

‘I can’t be 40 at the same time as you Caz, maths doesn’t work like that. Bit of a flaw in the plan we made’

Caroline lets go of his hands, a flicker of dismay passing over Olly’s face before she hooks her arms around his neck and pulls him into her, and kisses him, properly this time. The feel of his lips on hers, brings her memories flying in, pulling her back to 2015 in the space of a heartbeat.

He had bought her an expensive coat and paid the entire bar tab. They’d sang Rendezvous in a taxi and had done plenty of the same back at her flat. They had laid there afterwards, her stomach swarming with butterflies, her heart full of love, her head light because of the alcohol and how damn happy she was.  

Snapping back to reality, Caroline pulls herself away from Olly, his eyes gazed over with lust, she wonders if he was having the same flashback as her.

She nods towards the sofa and taking her hand, they walk the few steps there, Caroline making sure they sit at either end, least she feels the urge to climb into his lap. She looks towards the door and sees a twisty lock in the door. She can hear the thrum of the party, the bass beneath their feet. All her DJ friends are taking stints playing music, she thinks it is Gemma Cairney’s turn, she’s playing Bump and Grind, a definite Xtra song.

Caroline runs her hands over her legs, like she is smoothing out a crease on her skin and turns to Olly

‘I didn’t plan this, you know, I didn’t even want a big party’

‘You wanted to run away and hide?’

‘A little bit’ she shrugs ‘I didn’t think this is what 40 would be like’

‘I thought I’d be married with kids by now’ Olly admits, inching infinitesimally closer ‘which is why we made the pact Caz, and don’t you think it says something that we are both still single at 40?’

’35’

‘35’ Olly repeats, rolling his eyes

‘Ols’ she says slowly, thinking through her words carefully ‘why are you suddenly bringing up the pact now? Besides the obvious? I wanted to get together four years ago and you weren’t having any of it’ she lets out a sad laugh ‘I miss you, I miss you so damn much, but how do I know you’re not going to stomp all over my heart again? You broke me, completely broke me’ a tear slides down her face as the laugh resurfaces again ‘and I know, I know, we’ve gone through it all, and we’ve put it behind us, I’ve forgiven you, but I don’t know if I can ever forget. You’re gonna have to prove it Olly’

And as if he was waiting for that cue, Olly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box, snapping it open to reveal a ginormous diamond ring

‘Fuck me’

‘Caroline- ‘

‘Olly, no!’

‘You can’t stop a man in the middle of a proposal!’

‘We’ve not even slept together in four years! We didn’t speak for two, I’ve only just kissed you again! You can’t just propose! Oh my god’ she leaps to her feet ‘you stay here, I’ll be back’

Not looking at him, Caroline runs to the door and pulls it open, back into the melee of the party.

----

After tracking down Jo who had been chatting to Dawn, and pulling her quite forcibly to the bathroom, with Dawn, and then Sam bringing up the rear, Caroline finds herself surrounded by their aghast faces

‘He proposed, like proposed proposed?’ Dawn says

‘Well I mean, he had a ring, a fucking huge ring, and I ran away before he could more than tell me off for interrupting him proposing. So eh yeah?’

‘I mean it is your 40th Carrie’ Sam chimes in ‘you did have the pact after all’

‘It’s not like it was a legally binding agreement Sam’

‘Well’ Sam shrugs ‘I was kind of hoping it was, it’s why I invited Olly’

‘I was wondering who had invited him’ mutters Jo

‘You weren’t going to?’

‘Well no, I know you guys are better now, but I didn’t know if you’d want to deal with him on your 40th, not after everything’

‘We kissed’ Caroline says, realising she has left out that detail ‘god I’ve missed kissing him’

Sam’s eyes almost bug with glee, whilst Dawn and Jo share a knowing look

‘You guys, focus! I need help, I’m having a crisis’

‘The love of your life just proposed to you, what a crisis’

‘Dawn, stop thinking of book ideas’

‘I wasn’t…’

‘And we all know it isn’t that easy. It’s not like we’ve been dating for years and now he’s decided to pop the question’

‘Well no, you guys were never that simple, but sure an eight year just friends saga, intermittent with various other relationships, press scrutiny, a we’ll get married at 40 pact, and a brief but wonderous interlude where you were fucking every five seconds, whilst you hosted the biggest show on telly, but then didn’t speak for two years because of misunderstandings but now it’s all fine again, that’s basically the same thing as you’ve been dating a few years and he’s just popped the question’

‘Thanks for the summary Sam’ Caroline says stoic

‘You’re welcome’ Sam replies, with absolute sincerity ‘but honestly, Carrie, I think you’re just freaking out because of when this is happening, rather than the actual thing. If Olly had proposed right after X, you’d have said yes without even thinking’

‘It was different back then, I was, we were- ‘

‘You were in love with him, we know, but I reckon you still are’

‘And so, what if I am?’

‘What if you are, you should marry the boy shouldn’t you?’ reasons Dawn

‘Exactly how big is the ring?’ Sam asks

‘Huge, so much bigger than the one Andrew gave me’

‘I mean it wouldn’t be hard’ mumbles Sam

Caroline lets that one slide, knowing it’s true

‘Carrie’ Jo interjects, having been quiet a while, mulling the whole thing over ‘really the most important, the only question really, that you have to ask yourself, is do you want to say yes? Do you want to marry Olly? Do you believe he’ll never hurt you again? Do you miss him? Is he the love of your life? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Because if so, it’s obvious what you have to do’

Caroline stares at her feet, her head pounding with the last hour of her life, her heart and head fighting for first place, what to do, how to decide. She looks up to find Dawn, Jo and Sam staring at her, the answer they want clear across their faces.

----

The party doesn’t wind up until the early hours, the paps growing restless outside, her guests leaving in dribs and drabs. She is staying in a hotel nearby, needing a break from the paps at her front door, and not wanting to bother with the commute after her party. She has texted Olly the details, her car pulling up outside the hotel less than 5 minutes after she has left the party. She can see Olly sitting in the bar.

Having already checked into the hotel earlier in the day and having gotten ready there, Caroline simply catches Olly’s eyes and then walks to the lift where he dutifully follows.

Yet more 2015 memories fight for attention, all the clandestine nights spent at the Hilton, all the checking as they ran up and down hotel corridors. Sometimes they’d go from being live on telly to being in one of their hotel rooms making out within ten minutes. The proximity of their hotel and how quickly it enabled them to get naked was the best thing about X Factor.

Caroline sits on the bed, Olly standing before her, memories, memories, and he is leaning down, his hand on her face, pulling her lips to his as he falls on top of her. And her past and her future collide. Caroline hears the ring thud loudly along with the jacket as she slips it off Olly’s shoulders and it falls to the ground.

It reminds her of the Hilton, where the carpets were soft and luxurious, where thuds were quiet. She had been glad of that.

Caroline remembers the very first time they had had sex in the Hilton, they hadn’t even made it to the bed, they had just fallen to the floor and done it there instead. She remembers the urgency as if it was yesterday, a need for Olly, a primal ache, ripped clothes and fast fingers and everything exploding with ecstasy.

The carpet burns would have been hard to explain but they were mostly to her lower back and not as bad the ones later on from when they’d done it on the rug at her house. She remembers another time she had bruised her knee from the confined shower, she didn’t care about any of it. It had all become an addiction, and now, she is falling off the wagon spectacularly.

She knows they need to talk, she needs to answer but it’s like a well-rehearsed dance. And she has missed this so much. The feel of his weight on top of her, his lips on hers, his fingers and tongue and all the pleasure they could induce.

‘Darling, darling, darling’ he mutters between her legs, kissing her inner thighs, moving upwards, oh fucking hell, happy birthday to her.

---

‘Ols?’

‘Yeah?’

She is staring at the ceiling, they’re high up, the 14th floor and they hadn’t bothered to close the curtains, she watches the lights on the ceiling, Olly tucked into her side. She feels spent, sated, content right down to her toes.

‘Did you really mean it?’

‘About getting married?’

‘Yeah’

‘Course I did, you think I bought that ring for nothing? Bit of an expensive joke’

‘But why now?’

As happy as she is, she needs this little worm of worry to be rid of

‘Caz, I- ‘he rolls over, Caroline shimmying to face him

‘You know when we didn’t speak for two years?’

‘Hmm’

‘And when you haven’t spoken in that long, you need something to bridge the gap, to break the ice, and you- ‘

‘I wrote the letter, yeah’

‘Yes, you wrote the letter and I called you and we went over everything and became friends again. We needed something to get us back on track. Well’ he gestures to the room at large ‘this is like that. I couldn’t just pop over to yours on a Tuesday afternoon and propose, there needed to be an opening, and we had the pact, so I figured, well it was a good a time as any’

‘When did you buy the ring?’

‘In the summer, I bought it when I was high on morphine after my knee surgery and then my sober self freaked out, before realising that it was a good idea. The best idea really’

‘So, you really do- ‘

‘Want to marry you? Yes, I do’

The words send Caroline’s heart in a flutter, this doesn’t feel real, a bit too much and she pinches herself, hard. Olly leans over and kisses the mark.

‘So?’

‘So’ she runs her hand along his arm ‘I need time Olly, can we actually date? Can we try to be normal for once? Can you ask again soon?’

She can already hear her friend’s protests in her ears, but Olly just smiles and kisses her

‘Of course I can’

----

It is the most normal they have ever been. They go on dates and stay over at each other houses and comment on each other’s Instagrams while sat next to other on the sofa.

They buy each other Christmas gifts and kiss as the fireworks and the chimes of Big Ben announce the new year. She jets off to Love Island the very next day and he surprises her by turning up in South Africa to keep her company for a week. She flies back to London on Valentine’s Day and they both make sappy posts and adorn each other with kisses and gifts. They do weekly shops, train together and walk the dog in the park, it is boring and beautiful domestic bliss. In March they go away for the weekend, to a country hotel with luscious sweeping grounds and a spa.

They go for a walk in the grounds, Caroline’s arm tucked through Olly’s, her hand winding into his pocket and holding his hand there. It is cold, a bite of frost in the air, but it is clear and bright, and Caroline stops for a moment, to close her eyes and breathe in the fresh air, letting out a happy sigh.

When she opens her eyes, Olly is down on one knee underneath a cherry blossom tree, the petals falling like confetti onto him, getting stuck in his hair.

He grins as she stands with her hands over her mouth, dumbstruck, tears sliding down her cheeks

‘Caz, I have waited long enough, I have let Christmas and New Year’s and Valentine’s Day slide by, and the day after your birthday where I was very tempted to try again. I love you darling, I always have done, and it would be an honour to spend my days loving you and for you to love me in return. There’s no one else I want to tackle this life with, so Caz, my love, will you marry me?’

Caroline mutely nods, her breath having gone and taken her voice with it. Olly stands, beaming, and slides the ring onto her finger, before dipping his head and kissing her.

Leaning her forehead against his, she leans back, the image of Olly with the most joyous smile across his face, all the pink floating around his head, one she will cement in her memory forever more. This, this here, this moment, and this man, the future ahead of them, this is what she had imagined forty would be like, and it could only get better from here.