#the next chapter of the deca is funny btw. at least i think so

[sugarskies]

absolutely begging for a funny theta/koschei crackfic or one shot. love ur deca series btw!! 🖤

hi anon sorry it took me a week to get back to u! beg and u shall receive. i was going to give context here but i can't. there is none. i don't know what this is. i had fun writing it ? and thank you!! 💖💖

without further ado... whatever this is!

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

“I need to tell you something.”

There was an intensity to Theta’s voice that Koschei barely recognized. He wasn’t about to reveal that he’d painted a new masterpiece or blown up another classroom, it was serious. Thankfully, he didn’t have to wait for the news to come.

“I cheated on you,” said Theta, his tone blunt but filled with guilt. Koschei’s jaw dropped, all coherent thoughts fading in favor of deep disappointment and unbridled rage. “I’m so sorry, Kos. If you never forgive me, I’ll und—”

Koschei didn’t wait to hear Theta’s excuses. He turned around and stormed out the door, his destination already in mind. There was no way that Theta would willingly cheat on him. They were so in love, how could he? He had to have been tricked, enchanted even, and there was only one person who could be responsible.

The moment he reached the door, he pounded on it. There was no response from inside but he refused to give up. He pounded until his hands hurt, until the hinges became so weak they broke right off the wall. The door collapsed and he collapsed on top of it, panting his exhaustion as he looked around the room in bewilderment.

“What the hell did you do to my door?”

The realization that Vansell was behind him hit hard. Koschei really spent hours busting down the door for nothing. He took a second to stare at the ground in shock before he rose to his feet. He put one foot behind him, bent his knees, and braced his hands in position, ready to fight. The confusion on Vansell’s face only increased.

“Oh, don’t look so surprised,” Koschei sneered. “You might be a piece of shit but Theta has a conscience. He told me. I know what you guys did.”

Vansell didn’t have time to so much as open his mouth before Koschei’s fist flew into his jaw. He stumbled backward into the hallway, into Theta. Theta blinked twice, briefly catching Vansell before letting go and allowing him to fall to the floor. Rather than going around or staying put since he was literally right outside the door, Theta stepped on Vansell’s stomach, ignoring the crack of his ribs and his pained groans as he approached Koschei.

“Hey.” Theta kicked Vansell’s legs out of the way when he stumbled. What an inconsiderate place to collapse. “I didn’t cheat on you with Nosebung. Do you really think I’d fuck a guy named Nosebung?”

“Haven’t you fucked him before?”

“Hate-fucking doesn’t count. We’ve been over this.”

If only because he was desperate for answers, Koschei let out a defeated sigh. “Then who?”

“It’s… come on.”

Theta took Koschei’s hand and led him out of the room. Together, they stepped on Vansell, chuckling at the quiet crack from inside his chest. Neither looked back as they walked down the hall, Vansell’s pained groans echoing behind them. Koschei didn’t have the faintest idea where Theta was taking him or who he was going to meet but it didn’t matter. The element of surprise might even work in his favor.

Because it didn’t matter who Theta cheated on him with. Not really. He was going to kill them regardless.

The further they walked, the more confused Koschei became. He’d assumed that Theta would take him to another dorm but they left that building entirely. Theta led him to the science center, past every classroom he was familiar with, to a strange door. Theta took a deep breath before he unlocked it. He reached for the doorknob with one hand, still squeezing Koschei’s hand with the other.

“You’re never going to look at me the same way after this,” said Theta, his voice barely above a whisper. Koschei gripped Theta’s hand tighter, giving him a reassuring look. It was okay. While Theta had a doorknob in his spare hand, Koschei had a knife. He was ready for anyone. At least, that was what he thought until Theta opened the door.

Of all the people he was prepared to stab—which was just about anyone in the universe—somehow, Theta managed to find the one that caught him off guard. Because, of course, the only person he could never have prepared to stab was himself. Koschei.

Koschei was standing in front of… himself?

“Hi Koschei,” said Koschei with a wave.

“Who the hell are you?” Koschei gaped. “What the hell are you?”

“Koschei.”

“No, no, I’m Koschei. You’re like… Fauxschi.”

“Okay.” His cheery shrug was the most frightening thing about him.

“Theta, what the hell is this?!”

“It’s kind of a long story. I don’t know if I really feel like— okay! Okay.” The look on Koschei’s face must’ve been murderous for the way Theta threw his hands in the air. “So, I was trying to clone a squirrel because I thought it would be really funny if there were like a thousand squirrels in here—”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Koschei.

“Me too,” said Fauxchei.

“—but one of your hairs must’ve fallen off my shirt or something because I left for one night and I came back ready to clone the squirrels and there you were. He was. And I know he’s not you but he looks like you and yeah, something in his brain is definitely wonky but he’s still really hot and I was powerless.”

“So you’re telling me…” Koschei cut himself off and blinked several times. He rubbed his eyes twice to be sure what he was seeing was real. There was no way. It was like something out of a stupid B-movie. “You’re telling me that you cheated on me with me?”

“But it wasn’t you.”

“Yeah, I know that. I meant— shit. I am pretty hot, aren’t I?”

Theta nodded enthusiastically but Fauxchei spoke first. “I am, thank you.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“You were looking at me.”

“Because you look like me. Like a poor imitation of me but still like me. I was using you as a mirror to admire my own beauty.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Can I kill him?” Koschei turned to Theta abruptly, his expression dark and his tone serious. He pulled the knife from his sleeve and held it up for Theta to see. “I know exactly where to stab him. It’ll only take me one—”

He didn’t get the chance to finish his thought, cut off by Theta’s lips smashing into his. Theta’s hands grabbed each side of Koschei’s face, pulling his skin, his ears, holding him tightly as their bodies pressed together. Koschei kissed him back, one hand squeezing Theta’s waist and the other still gripping his knife.

“You’re so hot when you’re about to commit murder,” Theta breathed, his lips still almost touching Koschei’s.

“I’m even hotter when I’m doing it,” whispered Koschei as he grazed the back of his knife along Theta’s arm.

“Then do it.”

If there was any hesitation in the back of Koschei’s mind, it disappeared the moment Theta’s eyes met his, the moment Theta’s hand curled around his own and his knife. It didn’t matter who he had to kill, even if it was a clone of himself. Theta was his.

Or maybe he was Theta’s but he didn’t mind it that way.