#the oldest son. and i think somewhere back in the family hindbrain where they'd never recognize or admit it . that holds weight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

july-19th-club · 5 months

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one thing about getting sick for me is that before covid (the first time) my colds and flus and whatnot all went in a very specific pattern: i would get a sore throat for a day or two, then violently congested for three or four days, then a runny nose/drainage for three or four days after that, and finally a cough, which was my favorite part of the cold (if a person can be said to have a favorite part of a cold) because it meant it was almost over AND that the problem was largely not in my face and neck anymore. but any illness i've had since that first covid has been all over the map - either i don't get the sore throat at all, just straight into the congestion, or the sore throat happens at a different time, or longer, or worse, or i have to spit a lot because otherwise i get so nauseous from sinus drainage that i throw up, or the congestion and the runny nose happen concurrently with not just each other but ALSO the sore throat (which is what's happening right now and i hate it) and like. because it doesn't follow the pattern i spent twenty-six years of my life getting used to, i'm always freaked out. which i would be anyway because ever since i had the first covid getting sick freaks me out. and it should freak more people out if im being honest. but this is a weird one bc like. i dont know how it did that but it disrupted MY trusty sick pattern

#i say 'first covid' because even though both rapid tests were negative yesterday there's a high likelihood they were false negatives #the most likely explanation is 'my brother brought covid to christmas and three days later i also got covid'#a perfectly reasonable chain of logic that my family refuses to entertain because it would make it His Fault #and nobody wants to blame mister perfect #he's my brother and i mostly love him. but the thing with him and me is that he's two years younger than me but has always had an energy of #i dont know. maturity? know-it-all-ness which comes off as maturity? emotional stoicism? < thats it probably right there #i was always a very emotional child. and undiagnosedly autistic. so he is in some ways the eldest child. and i resent it #like. we all know he's NOT the eldest. but he takes charge of things like he thinks he is. and when i take charge of things i am...#not authoritative #anyway he's the engineer and emotionally stoic and can 'beat' any problem by simply glaring at it hard enough (he thinks) and he's like #the oldest son. and i think somewhere back in the family hindbrain where they'd never recognize or admit it . that holds weight #oldest son holds just SLIGHTLY more weight than oldest daughter #although. had i been born a boy and been exactly the same personality-wise as i am already. he would still be like this #and we would still have this uncomfortable dynamic #anyway mister special can't get anybody sick and it's probably not his fault because i come into contact with people all the time!#sure. at my much more secure workplace where i spend less than five minutes with most patrons. and a lot more people mask #versus . him a foot away from me at the dinner table sniffling into his ham. hmmmmmm. you're an engineer. you do the math

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