#the pencil thing is so confusing i hate making assumptions on characters intentions to be wrong

[crustyfloor]

seen a interesting post on Twitter regarding the pencil line from Till, that said that this line signifies that Ivan WAS on Tills mind, especially since this was a incident that happened when they were young, and that this was his way of saying "I see you"

Really now....truthfully I didn't know how else to read pencil.exe other than Till just wanting his pencil back, but hearing this I feel like my eyes were opened

Ivan has been said to have a perk for stealing Till's things and giving them back to him like an evil secret Santa, and I always found it odd why he was never told off for it, Till is smart, and has been smart since he was a kid, surely he would catch onto the fact that all these trinkets of his were stolen and just so miraculously found by Ivan? I think the dude just genuinely didn't mind, letting Ivan humor himself since at least he wasn't gatekeeping his stuff. And so the pencil, why would he have such a care for it anyway? well, the goodbye cards were made when Ivan and Till were ultimately about to be separated, I think their relationship may have strained a bit after they all passed,(?) something had to happen because the way Till was about the pencil was the most indirect question alluding to a direct statement I've ever seen. Till was so utterly focused on Mizi but a part of him did want to keep Ivan close when they were kids, why this was the way to regard that? why he couldn't do anything else? well, I guess this was just the most kid Till with his mixed feelings about Ivan could do, because even if he saw Ivan as a nuisance i myself am sure that he considered Ivan a close friend despite Ivan thinking he didn't.

I also found some context and it stated that Till already had his pencil back. Ivan had found it for him, so whats with mentioning it now? I think that was Till's attempt to get Ivan to talk to him again and explain himself so that Till could swing in and try to build their friendship back. Ivan was always on Till's mind and he cared deeply about him, the pencil was only an excuse to say "I see you, I will always remember you." but Till just didn't have the greatest methods of getting that across to Ivan,

And I assume they never did approach the topic of the pen so Ivan and Till never got the chance to talk again and steadily grew apart, and here we are now. but at least we have some idea that Till didn't really hate Ivan or something, this is a plausible take on the deeper meaning of pencil.exe imo.

[goddesswitchmother]

More thoughts for the ikevamp fanfiction! Enjoy or not, I don't care. I'm doing this for me, and if others happen to enjoy as well, then that's a bonus. Yeah, I'm saying this more for myself than anything as I'm a recovering people pleaser. Sometimes, I just need to remind myself to have fun be myself and not worry about what others think of me .

Desperation pt 3

I hate him. I fucking hate him. But perhaps I shouldn't have slapped his stupid face. My hand 😭. "Theodorus Van Gogh, I fucking hate you. I've known you all of four days and I already hate you. I've never, and I mean NEVER, hated someone before. You haven't once even tried to get to know me. You've done nothing but judge me, insult me, bully me, and have make all sorts of assumptions about my character and yet you don't know the first thing about me. I don't know how you call yourself an Art Dealer because you have proven countless times already you don't have what it takes. You're a piece of shit and I hope you prove me wrong because I really don't like hatred and I don't think it's merely because it's a foreign feeling." I rant angrily as he just gawks at me with that stupid look on his face.

"Also, you'd have to be simultaneously deaf, blind, and stupid to confuse you for Vincent. You are absolutely nothing alike whatsoever, and if I didn't already know better, I would never guess you were related. Vincent, I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I really valued your friendship, and I have no intention of dating you. However, I understand if you no longer want to be friends." I added this time in tears. Fuck I'm so embarrassed. So I did what I do best, and I ran. A part of me was aware that I had an audience. I vaguely noticed just about everyone had ended up in the gardens, probably drawn in by my outburst. The only ones not there were Isaac, Napoleon, Mozart, Leonardo, and Sebastian. I made it to my room uninterrupted and threw myself into bed to bawl my eyes out. I feel so pathetic.

Once I had managed to stop crying, I mindlessly sought out one of the few comforts I managed to bring with me. I set up my watercolor book on the desk with my watercolor paints, several brushes, and the untouched glass of water from the nightstand. As an afterthought, I grabbed my mixed media book, my colored pencils, and markers just in case.

I don't know how long I spent tearing pages out and throwing them on the floor. All of them bearing finished paintings or drawings that I just didn't like. Any works left on the desk were unfinished concepts that I couldn't put together. However, I was interrupted by a knock on the door. And then the door was opened. I didn't bother checking to see who it was. "You haven't even touched your dinner. I hope you aren't planning on skipping breakfast, too. We can't have that." I was shocked back into reality then. "What?! But I only just ate breakfast a few hours ago." I really started looking around then. Sebastian quickly approached me and tilted my head up to look at him. "Uh...." I was unsure what I wanted to say. Whatever it was could wait, though. The way Sebastian was intensely studying me with concern overwhelmingly obvious in his gaze. I never had anyone worry so much about me before that it rendered me speechless. I suddenly felt the urge to cry that I violently squashed it down, hoping he didn't notice. He cleared his throat and glanced around at the mess I created. "You just might be as bad as Leonardo at losing track of time. Just yesterday, I brought you lunch, but you were crying. I don't know if you remember, but you refused lunch. You promised you'd eat dinner if I brought it to you. However." He explained, gesturing to the platter of dinner sitting neglected on the tray near the bed. I blushed as I vaguely remembered something like that. "I'm sorry. Let me clean up this mess, and I'll eat breakfast out there so you can be certain I eat." I offer hastily getting up. "Oh, I'll pick these up, if you don't mind. Just go wash up and perhaps change your attire, and I'll have your place at the dining table set." He offered, already carefully stacking the papers from the floor neatly into his arms. Damn he works quickly and efficiently. I make a noise of agreement and grab a random outfit before rushing to my bathroom.

(images sourced from pinterest)

I had quickly washed my face and brushed my hair and teeth and applied deodorant. You know the usual. But the whole time I was disturbed by how pale I was as well as the shadows around my red rimmed eyes. When I finished dressing I went to grab my makeup to see Sebastian had the same idea. "Hope you don't mind, I just thought that you were looking a little pale and sleep deprived." I just smiled gratefully. "You're a life saver." I say as I rush off to do my makeup.

(Images sourced from pinterest)

(My eyes are actually amber, though, so imagine that.)

I managed to improve my mood and started feeling my self-confidence boost by the time I made it to the dining room. Sure enough, Sebastian was just setting down my plate stacked high with the French toast and sausage I requested. A glass of hopefully cranberry apple juice joining them. "Ooh, looks delicious, thank you, Sebby." I say happily. I see his back straighten up. "Sebby, huh? Do I get a nickname, luv? Also, you look absolutely ravishing. Are you -" "Yeah, yeah, Arty-boy, I'm not wearing sweats today, so I'm definitely trying to seduce you." I interrupt, voice heavily dripping with sarcasm. "So hard to believe a woman can dress up for her own happiness." I mutter, stabbing a sausage onto my fork. Out of my peripheral, I see theo opening his mouth like he's about to say something. "Now shut up. I'm hungry." I add not to anyone in specific.