#the punchy stuff seems cool but i never see it cause i gotta keep her off the front lines bc she's SQUISHY

[youbelongwithswiftie]

Percabeth: Alcohol and Mansplaining: Quarantine

“You know, Ari, everytime I see this tik-tok, all I can think of is mom.” 

“Which one?” She’s trying to paint the wall, without dripping paint all over the bed. What is wrong with her paint today? 

“You know, the one that goes two shots of vodka and then she pours like the whole damn bottle?” 

She looks over at her sister, sitting in bed, guitar perched on her knee, but scrolling through her phone. “Liz, that’s a vine NOT a tik-tok.” 

“I mean, they’re basically the same thing. So, ya know, go with it.” Ariadne rolled her eyes, and went back to painting the wall. This sunset painting was going to get finished today. She wanted to start a new project and the more she has to scrap and recoat the wall, she might just push her brain over the edge. “Anyways, I’m going to go find our parents. Make sure they’re not causing trouble.” Mmm-hmm, you mean like you’re trying to do, Ariadne thought. 

It couldn’t have been longer than five minutes that Liz was gone, but when she did come back, she was very annoyed. “Listen, Ari, for the sake of professionalism, Mom has not gone off on this guy, but this little man-whore-” 

“Lizzie, you shouldn't use man-whore, it's nasty.” 

“Right, right..you’re right. This lil bitchchacha keeps talking over her, mansplaining her job to her. So, I say we do something about it.” She sighed, here it comes. 

“We gotta make her a drink.” 

“Oh yes! I’ve been wanting a drink for a while.” 

“Girl, what?” 

“You think I don’t have more than 1 fake ID? Girl, please.” Elizabeth cackled. “To the alcohol cabinet!” 

“Okay, Chlo, what’s in a Long Island?” 

“Um, well, our beach house at Camp where I wish we were right now?” 

“The drink you numbskull!” 

“You don’t already know? Wow, and I thought you owned a fake ID.” 

“Doesn’t mean I go out drinking a strong ass drink. They’d kill me if I came home drunk as a skunk. I usually stick to like a single rum and coke. I mean, the lighter you go, the less you are to spill all your damn secrets.” 

“Anyways, the google says its got coke -” 

“Where are we supposed to get cocaine?” 

“The DRINK. LIKE COCA-COLA…. Who’s the crackhead now, Ariadne Rose?” 

“Lizzie! Oh my god! Both our middle names are after types of wine! Chloe and Rose!” 

“I - Oh my gods, you’re right. What the hell?” They both sat there for a few minutes. “How have we been alive for 16 years and didn’t know that?” They both started laughing, call it cabin fever, but this social-distancing was hell for the two of them and seemed to be making them delirious. 

“Back to the drink: Google says it has coke, vodka, tequila, gin, rum, sour mix, triple sec...Do we have all that?” 

“Well, we’ve got some vodka, I don’t see any of that other stuff. There may be some tequila somewhere.” 

“Well, shit. Hang on, I’m going to ask dad.”

“No! Have you lost your mind? If he finds out, he’ll kill us.” 

“No, he wouldn’t...But, maybe you’re right. We definitely shouldn’t tell a responsible adult what we’re doing...even though another responsible adult will be getting the drink.” 

“Fuck it. I’m just going to put some vodka and coke, and like some of that simple syrup stuff dad uses.” 

“That’s for cakes and stuff, not alcohol.”

“Bih- I don’t care.” 

“Well, at least Mom’ll crash from a sugar high rather than being drunk… Ooh, we’ve got ice cream. Should we add some?” Ariadne can tell Elizabeth is getting punchy, and is really about to start going bat-shit with whatever they do to their poor mother. 

“Yes. Yes, we should.” 

“I don’t think this can really count as an alcoholic beverage at this point.” 

“Well, it's definitely not a Long Island, that’s for sure… Are we done? I think we should be done.” 

“Okay, so like, should we knock on the door?” 

“Liz, what? No. You literally said she’s still on the call.” She opens the door, and they can see her glance up, and then look back at the computer. The man is still talking. 

“You see, I really want it to have a sort of green-house feel. Like, I want the roof to be a dome with nothing but windows. Have you seen a dome before? They’re really cool, and I don’t want anything to be just a boring square. And, well, I don’t think you’ve seen a colosseum before, but that’s really what I’d like for the main area. I also really want…” Mom looked like she wanted to strangle him. Ari set the drink on the desk and turning around, she saw Lizzie with that dam sign. IT'S ALCOHOL. DRINK. 

“Shit, Lizzie, I thought you were joking about that.” Oops. That was loud. 

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Garnichelli. I’m going to have to call you back.” They heard the glass slam onto the desk. Uh oh. The call ended, and she said, “Gee, no. I’ve never heard of very simple fixtures in architecture - ever. I’m just saying I’m an architect for shits and giggles.” Lizzie snorted. “Girls, what is in this drink?” 

“Uh, ice cream, coke, and vodka.” 

“You… okay. Thank you, but if I drink this, I’m going to end up calling that mansplainer ass back and give him a piece of my mind, so I’m getting some wine…” She stood up, and walked to the door, and then back to her desk, “and I’m going to dump this out so neither of you decide to take it for yourself.” 

“You trust us that little?” 

“No, I just don’t want to explain to my husband why his daughters were in the alcohol without permission. Now, come on, we’re watching Reign and eating a shit ton of the cookies he baked.”

[isroselalondebisexual]

What do you think Rose Egbert would be like? :0 And Dave Harley, John Lalonde, and Jade Strider

Rose Egbert, raised in a supportive, loving home environment, would probably still be fighty and punchy because I don’t think there’s a single parent in existence that could ever change that about her, but she’s also very likely going to be more inclined to wait until being PROMPTED before she lets loose her floods of salt and snark. So like, a pretty regular girl on first impressions, definitely deeply entrenched in her Hot Topic mall goth phase, wears chokers from Spencers and whatnot, but pretty friendly at face value and in all the advanced literature courses, has been in every psychology class the public education system offers. On the debate team. And so you’re like, cool, she’s on debate, that should be fun, she’s pretty well composed as a person I bet she has some good thoughts. And then you attend one of the debate matches. And you see a side of Rose Egbert you never knew existed and holy hot DAMN you’re not sure if you’re terrified or in love with her. Possibly both. Probably both. She’s quick witted alright, devastatingly intelligent and in this to WIN. Dad Egbert has all of her debate trophies (medals? I wasn’t in debate idk how these things work) displayed as proudly as he displayed his clown statues in the canon timeline. Her role as a Seer of Breath is to best free the timeline and her friendgroup from the clutches of the Literally-A-Demon Lord of Time, who seeks to enslave them, their timeline, and the universe to his whims, to become his playthings. Her role is to forsee the best route, not in terms of luck, but as a specific, pointed fuck you to Doc Scratch, Lord English, and everything associated with them. That part in canon where Rose is talking to Doc and he’s like “do you even still have that emotion?” or whatever and she’s like “Why, yes, it seems it’s all been mysteriously relocated to my middle finger. The dark magics are at it again.” Like that but times a thousand she is SMART she has FORESIGHT and she is going to FREE THEIR TIMELINE, BITCH.

Dave Harley grew up alone on an island with a magic dog and some weird chess folk, so first of all he doesn’t know what a gender is so jot that down, second of all what do you mean boys don’t like boys? Obviously boys like boys, he likes boys, u r foolish, u silly human culture you. So uh, you know how Dave is like, this huge massive attention whore in canon and he starts out “I’m so cool are you noticing me being cool and not caring over here”? Yeah no, immediately bypasses that, this boy wants ATTENTION so TALK TO HIM DAMMIT. His only real guide for physical touch has been a dog and some people who are not human so Personal Space Whomst? Dave is here, he is in your personal space, you are paying attention to him bitches. His collection of weird dead shit is even weirder, given that it is a Harley tradition to taxidermy weird shit and also he lives out on an island now. Probably takes the PRETTIEST photos of like, the island views and stuff, which he naturally posts online and gets a lot of likes and reblogs for which, good, give him that sweet sweet validation. His selfies are everywhere. Go like them. His role as the Knight of Space would be a pretty important one, he’s upholding the balance of the universe and breeding the new one and stuff, which basically just means he’s the weird frog dad now. You see all those frogs? Those are his babies. He loves them. Smorch. Dave ew don’t kiss frogs that’s gross. Dave does not care, Dave is gonna smooch those frogs bc he loves them and all their mutant little paradox offspring. Dave the frog whisperer. Whenever Karkat’s getting screechy he just like. Takes one out of his sylladex or his hood or pocket or SOMEWHERE and sets it delicately down in front of Karkat when he’s not looking and Karkat proceeds to screech and flip out and Dave laughs at him. This Dave is likely a lot more carefree, but doesn’t have a good grasp of concepts like “responsibility” or “giving people space.” A good and goofy kid, with some nice tasty abandonment issues probably thrown into the mix there somewhere. He doesn’t wanna be alone again.

John Lalonde very likely has a very bad grasp of what consequences are. If he breaks shit, they can just buy a new one, if he pranks someone a little too mean or says something that goes a little too far, his mom is easy to forgive him. My dear sweet ADHD child probably didn’t do too good in school and did a lot of class clowning tomfoolery but Mom Lalonde didn’t discipline him for it at home so threats of “I will call your mother if you don’t settle down” didn’t have much of an effect on him. He’s a good kid! Friendly and loving and affectionate, but if he fucks up he doesn’t take responsibility for it and pulls the “it was just a joke!” card way too frequently and doesn’t know how to actually apologize or fix his mistakes. But even though he’s very outwardly childish, he’s also surprisingly mature for his age, by way of like, opinions and stuff? Like he’ll say stuff and it’ll seem totally left field for him cause John you’re like, the funny dude of our group, but he’s also the one who knows how to disinfect wounds and the RIDICULOUS importance of making sure your older sibling knows who their DD is when they’re off drinking with their friends and while he doesn’t have an emotional reaction to traumatic events right off the bat (like in canon) he does do a VERY good job of responding pragmatically to them, and that’s kind of a result of yeah, his mom’s his buddy, and yeah, she lets him get away with anything, but no, John doesn’t really get the chance to be a kid ALL the time, and in part he acts out like this because he’s frustrated that he CAN’T fully be a kid, so he’s overcompensating. His role as the Heir of Light would be as somebody who embodies luck and intellect, which he doesn’t really feel like he can do. He’s not smart, right? He’s never done well in school. But he has really high emotional intelligence, and he’s got street smarts no 13 year old has any business having, and he eventually comes to realize that he is lucky. He’s very lucky. He’s got good friends who love him and who he loves, a strong team who can conquer the world, the universe, even a demon with the strength of a green sun, and when John comes to appreciate consequences and ramifications of their actions, he would be better able to understand how to use his powers to become the luckiest little shit in the universe, and could look death in the face with confidence because he understands, now, he’s realized some things, some the easy way and some lessons were painfully hard, but he’s confident in what he’s doing and he’s got his friends at his back.

Jade Strider, I hate to say it, but I think she would end up a very meek individual. Very, very hypervigilant, aware of everyone’s mood around her and this HUGE people pleaser, because as far as she’s concerned “not actively pleased” might as well be utterly synonymous to “actively displeased.” Life is uncertain to her, she’s very diligent about reading the moods of others and making them happy. Everyone loves her and think she’s just absolutely the best, she’s always ready to listen, always eager to cheer her friends up when they’re feeling down, doesn’t say jack SHIT about herself. If people ask she straight up lies. She does NOT talk about her own problems, even worse than in canon. She is happy go lucky and pleasant to be around, see? She’s doing great. Don’t worry about her! Oh do you need to talk about something? She’s got hair-trigger reflexes and does NOT react well to sudden loud noises or jumpscares. She’s very forgiving, because it’s only natural that sometimes her friends will hurt her feelings, right? That’s what love looks like. Some things just can’t be prevented, so why bother. Lotta learned helplessness kinda shit going down. Very reactive to positive feedback and physical affection (as long as she sees it coming) but has no idea how to go about asking for it. She’s very popular at her school for being pretty and cool and badass and friendly all tied up into one but her friendships are very shallow with her school friends, because if she cannot open up about herself, what room is there for emotional intimacy? As a Witch of Time, her main thing that needs to happen is she needs to get fed up. She needs to get pissed off. She doesn’t deserve this shit! She’s thirteen! She doesn’t deserve a parent who didn’t love her, she doesn’t deserve to have the weight of the timeline on her shoulders, she doesn’t deserve to see her own corpse over and over and fucking OVER again! This isn’t fair, this isn’t right, she doesn’t FUCKING want this, fuck her Bro fuck the Game fuck keeping quiet she’s a KID and she’s HURTING and she will be fucking UPSET about it! And then she’s gotta let John, and Rose, and Dave hold her and tell her she’s right, she’s so right, she is absolutely entitled to her anger, she’s allowed to feel angry about this, she’s gonna be okay though, they’re there, they love her and they’re not gonna let anyone hurt her ever again, she’s allowed to feel hellfire down deep to her bones but then, most importantly, she needs to let her friends help her, she needs to trust them, and learn how trusting works, learn what love looks like and how all her little broken pieces fit back together. And no, she’s never gonna fully recover from that. She knows she’s gonna be a compulsive liar down to her dying day and she’s never going to be able to trust openly like some people do, but she’s got people who love her and who she loves dearly, and she’s going to be okay, and every day it gets a little easier. Some days are bad, yeah, some days she’s angry over stuff she thought she got over years ago, but at the end of the Game, after all has been ripped asunder and they’ve moved into their new lives on Earth C, she is allowed to recover and to rest and sure it’s not always easy, but she’s always trying, and things are better now.