#the relationship I was briefly in turned out to be a total farce. he didnt even like me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

horce-divorce · 1 year

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nighttime, esp around dusk: loneliest time of day. feeling lonely even around your friends time of day. I feel like I can't even talk to anyone about how lonely it feels. no matter what pills I take this never goes away. after the sun goes down that's just when I get to feel Hollow, I guess. like a fucking whistle.

bedtime: almost even lonelier than dusk but going to bed alone has a slightly different quality to it. less "I'm still lonely with people" cus there are no more people, and more "this is my forever... I just keep living my life and getting up and going to bed, alone, every day, for the rest of my life... cool...." And then the never-ending internal monologue of "theres nothing wrong with that" and then, "but I have so much to give and I so badly don't want that for me."

morning, first woke up, suns barely over the horizon: HOLY SHIT this is incredible. I have camp to myself, the woods are alive, there's sunshine, life is beautiful, I can't believe how much I've always hated mornings, who needs company!! I love my own company!!!

awake after being alone in the morning for 2-3 hours: I'm over it I hate this I can't stand being by myself *banging pots and pans* EVERYBODY WAKE UP SAVE ME FROM THIS PRISON

#me #i dont actually bang pots and pans #i just sit in my hammock until noon when everybody else gets up #youre welcome for not screaming #also #i feel like you can forgive me for falling into the 'this is forever' mindset #i haven't gotten laid in SEVEN (7) YEARS and frankly i may as well have been single for the past decade #the relationship I was briefly in turned out to be a total farce. he didnt even like me #we were basically roommates with benefits (not sexual) (i was his fucking mom) (i did everything in that house)#hm. maybe being BEGGED to stay in a relationship where i WASNT EVEN WANTED has fucked me up more than i thought.

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